Key and Peele
Season 2

Manly Tears

  • Season 2, Ep 8
  • 11/14/2012

A tough guy cries in front of his crew, and substitute teacher Mr. Nostrand does not play.

- CARVELLTHANKS YOU FOR COMING.

[sighs] FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS,I'M SURE YOU ALL HEARD

THAT TWIGS GOT PULLEDOUT THE RIVER THIS MORNING.

IT AIN'T NO SECRET

THAT HE AND CARVELLGREW UP IN THE HOOD TOGETHER.

SO LISTEN UP.

'CAUSE CARVELLABOUT TO SAY SOME WORDS.

- [panting]

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

DON'T NONE OF YOULOOK AT THEM TEARS

AND THINK THAT [bleep]IS FUNNY.

BECAUSE IT TAKES A BIG [bleep]MAN TO CRY IN FRONT OF HIS CREW.

GO AHEAD, CARVELL.- [sniffles]

Y'ALL KNOW TWIGS WAS MY BOY.

BACK IN THE DAY,

WE USED TO PRETENDTHE SOFA CUSHIONS WAS A FORT.

- MM-HMM, MM-HMM.[takes breath]

- AND WE USED TO PRETENDTHAT THE FLOOR WAS MOLTEN LAVA.

OH...

[panting]

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT,THOUGH?

THERE AIN'T NOTHING FUNNY'BOUT THAT.

OF COURSE THIS MAN IS CRYING.

'CAUSE HE AND TWIGSWAS KIDS TOGETHER. OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY WAS BEST FRIENDSFOREVER AND [bleep].

- [sniffles]- GO AHEAD, CARVELL.

- WE USED TO PLAY CARE BEARS.

- MMM-HMM.HMM-HMM.

- TWIGS AND I WOULD SPEND

THE GOOD PARTOF AN AFTERNOON

TRYING TO FIGURE OUTWHICH C-C-CARE BEAR WE WAS.

- OH, OH...[chuckling]

OH...

I WISH ONE OF Y'ALLMOTHER-[bleep]

WOULD JUST START LAUGHING,

'CAUSE YOU ALL KNOWYOU THINK THIS [bleep] IS FUNNY.

CARVELL OVER HERE, BLUBBERINGAND TALKING 'BOUT CARE BEARS.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

BUT YOU...

- [holding back sobs]

- [wheezes]

THOSE ARE MANLY TEARS!OKAY?

THOSE SOME MANLY-ASS TEARSRIGHT THERE THAT YOU LOOKIN' AT!

GO AHEAD, CARVELL.

- AND THEN--

AND THEN--AND THEN--AND THEN--AND--AND--AND--

[blubbering]

- [laughs]MM, I'M SORRY, MAN.

THAT WAS A WEIRD-ASS SNEEZEI JUST DID RIGHT THERE.

GOD DAMN IT.

CAN A BROTHER GET SOME [bleep]CLARITIN UP IN HERE?

GO AHEAD, CARVELL.

- TWIGS ALWAYSFANCIED HIMSELF SHARE BEAR.

- MM--

[groaning laugh]

- I ALWAYS--

I ALWAYS THOUGHT--

THOUGHT OF MYSELFAS MORE OF A FUNSHINE BEAR.

- MM--OKAY.

OKAY, ALL YOU [bleep] NEEDTO RESPECT THAT RIGHT THERE!

OKAY?

Y'ALL NEED TO LISTENTO FUNSHI--

[laughs]

[howling laughter]

I'M SO--I'M SORRY, MAN.

YOU A FUNSHINE BEAR, MAN.I'M SORRY, THAT--

THAT IS SOME FUNNY [bleep].[laughs]

[gunshot]- WHOA, WHOA.

- [heaves]

ALL RIGHT.LET'S GO SELL SOME CRACK.

- JAHARI, MY FRIEND.

THERE ARE A LOT OF BEAUTIFULWOMEN OUT HERE TODAY.

[chuckles]- YEAH.

KAREEN, MY FRIEND,YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH.

- WELL, I DO WHAT I CAN.

- OOH.- OH...

WOW.- RIGHT?

- HA-HA.- BLIP.

- SHA-BLOIMPS.- [laughs]

- YOU KNOW, I CAUGHT A LITTLEGLIMPSE OF HER FOOT NUT.

[clicks tongue]- YOU SAW ANKLE BONE?

- WELL...

- GOT SOME ANKLE CLEAVAGE,YOU DIRTY DEVIL, HUH?

YOU SAW?

- GOD, I SAW.

[both talking over each other]

- YES, KAREEN.

[laughs]- HEH...

- VERY TASTY...

- EH...

- MM.

- HMM-HMM.- OH...

- DUDE, DID YOU SEETHE BRIDGE ON THAT NOSE?

- I MEAN, IF IT ISANY INDICATION...

- WOW.- HHH-HOLY GARBANZO BEANS.

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

THAT IS A BRIDGEI'D LIKE TO CROSS.

[both laugh]

- THIS IS MY BOY.THIS IS MY BOY.

- [laughing]- THIS IS MY BOY.

OH.

- HMM.

- NOT A LOT TO GO ON THERE.- NOT REALLY. NOT REALLY.

GOOD HEIGHT.- GOOD HEIGHT.

- GOOD HEIGHT.

- CRAZY TALL.

- [growls]YEAH, LIKE 5'9".

HEH...

- COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.- [muttering]

- COME ON. SHE'S TALL.SHE'S TALL. SHE'S TALL.

- THAT'S RIGHT. SHE'S TALL.THERE'S NOTHING TO BE DONE.

- GETTING WET. LET ME SEE--

LET ME SEE IT FROM BEHIND.LET ME SEE IT FROM BEHIND.

THAT'S HOW YOU HIT IT.THAT'S HOW YOU HIT IT.

- JAHARI,CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING

IN CONFIDENCE RIGHT NOW?- OKAY.

- [whispers]I'M A VIRGIN.

[bell rings]

[students chattering]

[chatter fades]

- I...

AM YOUR SUBSTITUTE...

MR. NOSTRAND.

BUT THAT MIGHT AS WELL SAY,"NO NONSENSE,"

BECAUSE I DO NOT PLAY.

NOW, TODAY WILL NOT BEA DAY OFF.

IN FACT, TODAY,YOU WILL WORK HARDER THAN--

[farts]

[farts quietly]

all: [laughing]

- SEE YOU LATER,MR. POOTSTRAND!

DID THAT DUDEREALLY JUST FART?

- SOMEBODY CALLA CODE BROWN UP IN HERE.

[orchestral note]

[jazzy standard music]

- ♪ WOULD YOULOOK AT THE TIME? ♪

- ♪ YOU SHOULD JUSTSTAY HERE TONIGHT ♪

- ♪ I'VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE

- ♪ YOU WILL LEAVEAT FIRST LIGHT ♪

- ♪ IT ISN'T THAT FAR

- ♪ BABY,JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE ♪

- ♪ BACK TO MY PLACE

- ♪ YOU CAN'T ESCAPEFROM MY EMBRACE ♪

- ♪ I REALLYHAD A VERY NICE TIME ♪

- ♪ LET ME JUSTREFILL THAT WINE ♪

- ♪ BUT I REALLY NEED TOJUST SAY GOOD-BYE ♪

- ♪ I WOULD LOVETO SEE YOU TRY ♪

- ♪ PLEASE UNLOCKTHIS DOOR ♪

- ♪ IT'S LOCKEDFROM THE OUTSIDE ♪

♪ BABE, YOU'RE MINE TONIGHT - ♪ I CANNOT STAY TONIGHT

♪ LOOK, I REALLY HAVE TO GO

- ♪ NO, YOU REALLYHAVE TO STAY ♪

- ♪ HEY, "NO" MEANS NO

- ♪ THAT IS WHATTHEY ALL SAY ♪

- ♪ YOU'RE HURTING MY ARM

- ♪ I WON'T CAUSE YOUANY HARM ♪

- ♪ LET GO OF ME

- ♪ WE CAN MAKE THIS HARDOR JUST EASY ♪

- ♪ A WOMAN ALWAYSCOMES PREPARED ♪

- ♪ OOH, I'M REALLY SCARED

- ♪ I SAID THIS ISNOT WHAT I WANT ♪

- ♪ WHY YOU HAVE TOBE SUCH A-- ♪

- ♪ I KNOW SELF-DEFENSE

- ♪ I DARE YOU TO TRY IT

- ♪ I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT

- ♪ BITCH,YOU ARE MINE TONIGHT ♪

♪ PLEASE,JUST PLEASE GO AWAY ♪

- ♪ I THOUGHT THAT YOUWANTED ME TO STAY ♪

- ♪ WELL--WELL,I JUST CHANGED MY MIND ♪

- ♪ THINK I'LL JUSTSTAY AND UNWIND ♪

- ♪ HOW DID THIS ALL SWITCH?

- ♪ NOW YOU ARE...

♪ MY...

♪ BITCH

- ♪ PLEASE JUSTBE KIND TONIGHT! ♪

- ♪ NOW YOU'RE MINE...

♪ TO...

♪ NIGHT

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