CC Presents: Lynne Koplitz

  • Season 9, Ep 12
  • 04/28/2005

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

STOP!

I'M NOT DIANA ROSS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL START CRYING AND [BLEEP],

YOU GUYS KEEP APPLAUDING

LIKE THAT.

[AUDIENCE WOOING]

WHO'S "WOO..."

THANKS FOR THE "WOOS," UP IN

THE BALCONY.

I'M ACTUALLY IN A REALLY

GOOD MOOD TONIGHT, WHICH IS

BIZARRE 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN REALLY

CRANKY 'CAUSE I'M ON A DIET.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, I'M...

HERE'S THE THING.

I'M OKAY WITH MY WEIGHT

LIKE THIS BUT I WANT TO DO

TELEVISION WHICH MEANS I NEED

TO BE A WEIGHT THAT'S NOT

ACHIEVABLE...

[LAUGHTER]

OR TALENT.

BUT TALENT IS SO...

IT TAKES TIME.

AND I LOST TEN POUNDS IN A WEEK.

HERE'S WHAT I DO.

I DON'T EAT ALL DAY 'TIL

I FEEL DIZZY.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, THANKS FOR LAUGHING.

'CAUSE I SAID THAT IN

LOS ANGELES, AND NOBODY LAUGHED,

THEY JUST WROTE IT DOWN.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THEY WERE LIKE, "HOW DIZZY?

HMM-HMM-HMM-HMM.

[LAUGHTER]

FALL DOWN DIZZY OR SEE SPOTS

DIZZY?

HMM-HMM-HMM-HMM."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN THERE?

OH, IT'S THE MOST HIDEOUS PLACE.

I HAD A ROOMMATE WHO WAS

A SIZE 00.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT?

ALWAYS COLD.

IT WAS LIKE LIVING WITH A

CHIHUAHUA.

SHE WAS ALWAYS LIKE, "LYNNE,

ARE YOU COLD?

I AM SO COLD.

ARE YOU TURNING THE AIR DOWN?

WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

IT'S SO COLD IN HERE."

"YOU SHOULD EAT SOME SOLID FOOD,

WHORE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S TRUE.

IT'S SO ANNOYING.

SHE ACTUALLY ASKED ME FOR

FOUR GRAPES ONCE.

SHE COUNTED GRAPES.

WHAT KIND OF MENTAL PATIENT

COUNTS GRAPES?

DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO DOES

THAT?

THAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING,

FOUR GRAPES.

TO ME GRAPES AREN'T EVEN A FOOD.

THEY'RE LIKE A PALATE CLEANSER.

THAT'S WHAT I EAT TO GET THE

BIG MAC TASTE OUT OF MY MOUTH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I CAN START MY FISH FILET.

I DON'T COUNT THEM I JUST

EAT THEM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S THE THING.

I'M GONNA SAY IT RIGHT NOW

ON NATIONAL TV.

I'M A SIZE 14 NATURALLY.

IF I EAT WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE EAT,

LIKE BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER

AND A PIZZA SNACK, I'M A SIZE

14.

AND I LIKE TO SAY THAT AND THEN

LOOK OUT IN THE AUDIENCE.

'CAUSE MEN THAT ARE LIKE 20

AND BELOW ARE ALWAYS LIKE,

"THAT'S KIND OF BIG."

MEN 30 AND ABOVE, YOU'RE SMART.

YOU KNOW HOW TO CLEAR YOUR FACE

OF ALL THOUGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE LIKE THEY'RE TRYING

TO PASS THE POLYGRAPH TEST.

LIKE, "IS THAT BIG?

I HAD NO IDEA.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL TO ME."

'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'LL BLUDGEON

YOU TO DEATH WITH THIS

MIKE STAND, AND IT WON'T EVEN BE

MY FAULT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO, I'M ORIGINALLY FROM

THE SOUTH, BUT I'VE LIVED IN

NEW YORK NOW FOR SEVEN YEARS.

AND I HAVE FOUND OUT, IT IS

HARDER AND HARDER TO ASK MYSELF,

"WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

I'LL TELL YOU WHY, BECAUSE JESUS

NEVER LIVED IN MANHATTAN.

THE HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE SO

MEAN TO ME, YOU GUYS.

SOME HOMELESS GUY LIKE A

MONTH AGO SCREAMED AT ME.

HE WAS LIKE "THOSE SHOES

DON'T MATCH THAT OUTFIT!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS LIKE, "HOW WOULD JESUS

HANDLE THIS?

LOOK, YOU'RE CRANKY 'CAUSE

YOU'RE HUNGRY AND YOU DON'T HAVE

A HOUSE.

SO GO AHEAD AND TAKE A DOLLAR

AND BUY A BAGEL AND DON'T BE SO

JUDGMENTAL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT THEN LIKE A FEW DAYS LATER,

HOMELESS GUY ASKED FOR A DOLLAR

AND I SAID, "NO," 'CAUSE I WAS

LIKE IN A HURRY OR SOMETHING AND

AS I'M WALKING AWAY, HE'S LIKE,

"YOU GOT A FAT ASS, BITCH!"

[LAUGHTER]

"REALLY?

I'M TAKING MY FAT ASS HOME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WE'RE GONNA EAT WHEN I GET

THERE."

I KNOW IT'S NOT CHRISTIAN.

BUT HE ATTACKED MY WEIGHT,

AND I GO TO A DARK PLACE

WHEN PEOPLE ATTACK MY WEIGHT.

HE COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING

ELSE.

HE COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING

ABOUT MY MOTHER, 'CAUSE FRANKLY

SHE HAS IT COMING SOMETIMES.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT HE ATTACKED MY WEIGHT.

I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.

I GOT CRAZY.

IF HE'D SAID SOMETHING ABOUT

MY MAMA, IT'D BEEN LIKE,

"POOR LITTLE HOMELESS MAN,

LIVING IN A BOX.

[LAUGHTER]

RAIN FALLING ON HIS SAD LITTLE

HOMELESS HEAD.

YOU TAKE A DOLLAR.

THAT'S FROM OUR LORD."

BUT HE SAID, "FAT."

SO [BLEEP] YOU!

YOU LIVE IN A BOX AND YOU'RE

WET.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOT OF YOUNG GUYS.

YOUNG GUYS ARE HOT NOW.

THAT'S DISTURBING.

WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE,

YOUNG GUYS WERE NOT HOT.

THEY ALL LOOKED LIKE

JACK OSBOURNE.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, BUT IT WAS EASY TO

CONCENTRATE.

IT WAS EASY TO CONCENTRATE

WITH JACK OSBOURNE.

THANK GOD I'M NOT A TEACHER.

WHEW.

I KNOW MYSELF, NOBODY WOULD

LEARN.

I'D BE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, TODAY

WE'RE GONNA DO ENGLISH 101."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BE HORRIBLE.

I'M JUST PLAYING.

DON'T "WOO."

I'VE ACTUALLY DATED YOUNGER

GUYS.

IT'S NOT ALL IT'S CRACKED UP

TO BE.

IT REALLY ISN'T.

YOU KNOW I DATED A GUY

FIVE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME.

THEY EXPECT YOU TO BE

KNOWLEDGEABLE, DON'T THEY...?

IN THE BEDROOM.

AND I'M NOT.

I DATED A GUY, I'M NOT MAKING

THIS UP, HE LITERALLY SAID TO ME

ONCE, "TEACH ME SOMETHING."

[LAUGHTER]

"I KNOW A LITTLE SPANISH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EL BUTTO NO ENTRADO."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S BAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT

DATING YOUNGER GUYS?

THEY FOLLOW RULES REALLY WELL.

LIKE YOU CAN TELL A YOUNGER GUY,

"LOOK, SEX WITH ME IS LIKE

TAKING THE SAT'S.

JUST SHOW UP ON TIME, DO THE

BEST YOU CAN, AND WHEN I SAY

'STOP,' PUT YOUR LITTLE PENCIL

DOWN."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S GOOD RULES, ISN'T IT?

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

AND I'M NOT MARRIED AND I DON'T

HAVE CHILDREN AND PEOPLE ARE

CONCERNED.

NOT REALLY PEOPLE, JUST MY

FAMILY, MY MOM MY SISTER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CARE.

MY SISTER ACTUALLY TOLD ME,

YOU GUYS, THAT IT WAS

MY RESPONSIBILITY AS A

WELL-ADJUSTED MEMBER OF SOCIETY

TO HAVE CHILDREN.

IS THAT CRAZY?

I'M LIKE "I'M NOT WELL ADJUSTED,

I'M ON VICODIN WHEN I VISIT

YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S GOOD I TOLD HER 'CAUSE NOW

I DON'T HAVE TO BABY-SIT

HER KIDS WHEN THEY'RE IN TOWN.

SCORE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PAYS TO BE HONEST.

NO, WHAT I AM SCARED OF IS

GETTING INVITRO BECAUSE WHEN

YOU HAVE INVITRO, YOU DON'T HAVE

JUST ONE KID, YOU KNOW.

YOU HAVE LIKE A BOY BAND.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D...

I THINK I'D GIVE THEM AWAY

AS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE "I WONDER

WHAT LYNNE GAVE US,

THERE'S HOLES IN THE BOX.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK IT'S A PUPPY?"

"BETTER!

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT.

YOU ALREADY HAVE THREE."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M SCARED TO HAVE A MANHATTAN

CHILD.

MANHATTAN CHILDREN ARE BIZARRE

'CAUSE I'M FROM THE SOUTH.

MANHATTAN CHILDREN ARE LIKE

WEIRD, UPPITY LITTLE POD

CHILDREN.

DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

THEY'RE LIKE A LITTLE TOO

SOPHISTICATED LITTLE SNOTTY.

MY FRIEND HAD ME BABY-SIT ONE OF

HER KIDS.

IT WAS LIKE A LITTLE 6-YEAR-OLD.

I GUESS, I DON'T KNOW.

IT WAS WALKING AND TALKING,

WHATEVER, WHATEVER AGE

THAT HAPPENS, I DON'T KNOW.

ANYWAY, I WAS WATCHING

THE LITTLE KID AND I ASKED HER

WHAT HER FAVORITE FOOD WAS.

I WAS TRYING TO MAKE

CONVERSATION.

WHAT DO YOU TALK TO THEM ABOUT?

AND I SAID, "WHAT'S YOUR

FAVORITE FOOD?"

AND SHE'S LIKE "UDAN NOODLES."

[LAUGHTER]

"TRY CHICKEN NUGGET, YOU LITTLE

FREAK, LIKE THE REST OF THE

COUNTRY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I CAN'T RELATE TO THAT.

IT'S WEIRD.

WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I DRANK OUT

OF A GARDEN HOSE, PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I USED TO GET LOCKED OUT OF

THE HOUSE ON SUNNY DAYS.

DID ANYBODY ELSE EVER GET THAT?

LOCKED CLEAR OUT.

MY MOTHER WOULD BE LIKE,

"PICK ONE.

IN OR OUT?

IN OR OUT?!"

AND I HAD THAT LITTLE KID A.D.D,

SO I COULD NEVER PICK ONE

QUICKLY.

I'D BE LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

I SEE A RAIN CLOUD.

WHAT'S ON TV?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF YOU DIDN'T PICK QUICK,

MY MOM WOULD SHOW UP AND JUST

LOCK YOU OUT.

GOD FORBID, MY LITTLE SISTER

GOT CAUGHT UP ON THE "IN" AND

I'M ON THE "OUT."

WE'RE TALKING TO EACH OTHER

THROUGH THE GLASS LIKE WE'RE AT

A STATE PRISON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE, "TELL MOM I'M THIRSTY."

[LAUGHTER]

"MAMA SAYS YOU PICKED 'OUT'.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TAKE IT FROM THE HOSE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?

'CAUSE I TOLD HIM THAT'S WHAT

HE IS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU HAVE TO STICK A FLAG IN A

MAN'S BUTT AND CLAIM HIM NOW,

DON'T YOU, GIRLS?

AND YOU HAVE TO TWIST IT

A LITTLE NOW 'CAUSE OTHERWISE

THEY'LL GET IT OUT ON THEIR OWN.

[LAUGHTER]

YOUNG GIRLS, YOU DON'T KNOW.

'CAUSE YOU'RE IN YOUR TWENTIES,

RIGHT?

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> TWENTY-TWO.

Lynne Koplitz: TWENTY-TWO,

HA-HA!

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'VE EVEN SAID IT WITH LIKE A

LITTLE LILT IN... YOU'RE LIKE,

"TWENTY-TWOOOO..."

'CAUSE SHE'S, THERE'S MUSIC

IN HER HEAD SO IT'S LIKE

"TWENTY TWOOOO..."

I'M IN MY THIRTIES.

THINGS CHANGE WHEN YOU'RE IN

YOUR THIRTIES.

FIRST OF ALL, WE HESITATE WHEN

SOMEBODY ASKS OUR AGE.

"HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

YOU'RE LIKE, "HOW OLD AM I?

HOW'S THE LIGHTING?

[LAUGHTER]

TWENTY-EIGHT.

OH, YOU HAVE CATARACTS?

TWENTY-FIVE."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK THIS IS BAD.

MY BOYFRIEND GOT MAD AT ME

RECENTLY FOR LEANING LIKE THIS

WHILE I PERFORMED ORAL SEX.

I'M TIRED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE WAS LIKE, "COULD YOU BE

ENTHUSIASTIC, PLEASE?"

NOT FOR NOTHING, BUT I HAVE BEEN

WITH HIM FIVE YEARS, OKAY?

HIS PENIS IS IN SYNDICATION

AT THIS POINT.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE, YOU WANT ENTHUSIASM,

MAKE IT DO SOMETHING I'VE NEVER

SEEN IT DO BEFORE.

LIKE THE DISHES.

OH, I WOULD BE SO ENTHUSIASTIC.

I'D LIKE, GO PENI, GO PENI,

GO PENI.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NAH, YOU GET SLEEPY, RIGHT?

YOU EVER FALL ASLEEP PERFORMING

ORAL SEX?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

I'VE DONE IT.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

WAKING UP IS HORRIBLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WHERE AM I?

WHAT IS THIS?

DO YOU HAVE ANY RELISH?

WHAT IS THIS?

I WAS IN THE PARK.

I WAS AT A HOT DOG STAND.

AND THEN...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU STILL LIKE SEX, DON'T YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DO.

I KNOW YOU DO 'CAUSE YOU'RE IN

YOUR TWENTIES.

IT'S STILL FUN.

YEAH, SURE.

YOU STILL STRETCH BEFORE YOU

HAVE SEX.

THE SCREAM, "GET READY FOR THE

DISMOUNT.

WAAAAA!"

NO.

IN YOUR THIRTIES, THINGS CHANGE.

I'M NOT THAT EXCITED ANY MORE.

NOW I'M LIKE, "I MADE DINNER,

I GET BOTTOM.

I CALLED IT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS DIRTY, BUT I DON'T CARE.

SOMETIMES I'LL DO IT DOGGY STYLE

'CAUSE YOU CAN WATCH TELEVISION.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

IT'S A VERY UNDER-RATED

POSITION, 'CAUSE IT FREES YOU UP

TO MULTI-TASK.

LET'S FACE IT, THE LAUNDRY IS

NOT GONNA FOLD ITSELF, PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW THAT'S TRUE.

BUT YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL

'CAUSE IF YOU HAVE A GUY

WHO LIKES TO TALK DURING SEX,

LIKE I DO, IT'S VERY

AGGRAVATING.

IT'S HARD TO GET OTHER STUFF

DONE.

HE'S LIKE IT "YOU LIKE IT

LIKE THAT?"

"HELLO, I'M READING.

I'M NOT BOTHERING YOU.

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TALKING AND

BOTHERING AND INTERRUPTING ME?"

IT'S VERY ANNOYING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I ADMIT IT.

ONCE IN A WHILE I HAVE FAKED

AN ORGASM.

I THINK MOST OF US DO IT,

YOU KNOW, OUT OF KINDNESS.

AGAIN, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

YOU HAVE TO BE SWEET.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SERIOUSLY, 'CAUSE SOMETIMES

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOODNESS,

HOW LONG...

IF I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA TAKE

THIS LONG, I HAVE THINGS TO DO.

I...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S AGGRAVATING AT THIS POINT."

NO, WITH THIS GUY I DON'T

FAKE IT.

I'VE EXAGGERATED IT.

LADIES KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

THE MEN ARE ALL LIKE,

"IS THAT...WHOO?"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

THAT'S WHEN YOU ACT LIKE IT'S A

10 WHEN IT'S REALLY LIKE A 5.3.

LIKE YOU THROW A PILLOW THAT

PROBABLY DOESN'T NEED TO GET

THROWN.

OR YOU GIVE HIM ONE OF THOSE

LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING

TO ME?!

YOU'RE KILLING ME!"

AND THEN YOU AND THE DOG LOOK AT

EACH OTHER AND ROLL YOUR EYES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO.

WE'RE DIFFERENT, MEN AND WOMEN.

I FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY THAT

A GROWN WOMAN CANNOT WALK DOWN

THE STREETS OF MANHATTAN

ENJOYING A LOLLIPOP.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU KNOW THAT ANYWHERE ELSE

IN THIS COUNTRY YOU CAN DO THAT,

YOU CAN JUST WALK DOWN

THE STREET, NOBODY EVEN NOTICES

YOU WHILE YOU'RE EATING YOUR

TOOTSIE POP.

I'M WALKING DOWN SIXTH AVENUE

SOME GUYS LIKE, "SUCK IT!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SUCK IT, LOLLY!"

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HERE I AM ENJOYING A NOSTALGIC

LITTLE MOMENT OF MY YOUTH,

FILLED WITH SNOW CONES, PEZ AND

LOLLIPOPS.

AND A MAN TURNS IT INTO PORN.

IT'S TRUE, THOUGH, YOU CAN'T

EAT ANYTHING REMOTELY PHALLIC

WITHOUT A MAN TURNING IT INTO

PORN.

MY FRIEND WAS AT A BARBECUE

LAST YEAR, AND HE CALLED ME UP

FROM THE BARBECUE-- I AM NOT

MAKING THIS UP-- HE'S LIKE

"LYNNE, THIS GIRL WAS EATING HER

ICE CREAM LIKE SHE WANTED ME.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M EVIL.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'M ALWAYS

FIGHTING FOR GOOD AND EVIL.

YOU DON'T KNOW, SOMETIMES EVIL

WINS.

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, GO FOR IT.

SHE TOTALLY WANTS YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN I HAD TO RELATE SO HE

WOULD REALLY BUY IT.

I'M LIKE "I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE.

SOMETIMES I'M AFRAID I MIGHT NOT

HAVE AN ICE CREAM AT MY

DISPOSAL, SO I KEEP AN EMERGENCY

BANANA IN MY HANDBAG.

AND THEN I WHIP THAT OUT,

LIKE ON THE SUBWAY OR THE

LIBRARY, SOMEWHERE APPROPRIATE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I GO DOWN ON THE 'NANA,

AND I WINK AT THE MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN WE BOTH KNOW THAT

I WANT IT, GOT TO HAVE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

WOMEN LAUGH.

LOOK AT THE MEN ARE ALL

LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "I KNEW IT."

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

FIRST OF ALL, YOU HAVE TO

BELIEVE THAT WE EVEN ENJOY

DOING THAT.

IT'S SO GROSS.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO,

BREATHE OUT OF MY NOSE FOR

TWENTY MINUTES, PLEASE!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK THAT GENITALIA IS PROOF

THAT THE UNIVERSE LOVES WOMEN

MORE THAN MEN, AND I'LL TELL YOU

WHY.

'CAUSE IF YOU LOOK AT OUR STUFF,

RIGHT, GIRLS IT'S ALL, I MEAN,

IT'S ALL KIND OF GROSS,

BUT AT LEAST WITH WOMEN IT'S ALL

ORGANIZED.

IT'S LIKE GOD MADE A LITTLE

PACKET THAT'S ALL TUCKED IN WITH

LIKE HOSPITAL CORNERS AND STUFF.

AND WITH MEN IT'S LIKE

GOD STARTED TO MAKE A BOW

AND THE PHONE RANG.

IT'S ALL UNEVEN AND CRAZY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

NO, I LOVE MEN, I DO.

I SOUND MEAN ABOUT THEM,

BUT I LOVE MEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT MEN?

MEN GIVE SEX THEIR ALL,

DON'T THEY?

EVEN THE MOST ANNOYING STUFF

YOU WISH THEY WOULDN'T.

[LAUGHTER]

REALLY TIME CONSUMING,

AGGRAVATING THINGS LIKE BREASTS.

I NEVER UNDERSTAND.

YOU LIKE BREASTS, SIR?

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

DON'T SPEND SO MUCH TIME THERE

BECAUSE THAT'S TIME WE CAN'T GET

BACK, RIGHT GIRLS?

[LAUGHTER]

I NAMED ALL THE MOVES.

YOU WANT TO SEE THEM?

I CALL THIS ONE "THE KITTEN".

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GUY DO THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

UNLESS YOU'RE A BABY KITTEN,

THERE'S NO REAL REASON TO EVER

DO THAT TO A BREAST.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT'S THE MOST REDUN...

IT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING.

I CALL THIS ONE "MAKING BREAD".

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GUY DO THAT?

THAT'S IF YOU KIND OF HAVE

BIG BOOBS, SOMETIMES THEY

DO THIS.

IT'S AWFUL.

MAKING BREAD.

AND YOU'RE LIKE...

"I NEED A DRAMAMINE.

YOU'RE MAKING ME NAUSEOUS."

THIS IS THE ONE, THOUGH,

THAT BRINGS IT HOME.

THIS IS THE GRANDDADDY OF ALL

THE MOVES.

I CALL THIS "THE SAFE CRACKER".

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S A MAN-GETS-THE-JOB-DONE

MOVE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAN YOU GUYS SEE HOW RIDICULOUS

IT IS, 'CAUSE WE CAN SEE, TOO?

WE KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T STOP IT THOUGH.

I DON'T.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE I'M AFRAID IF I STOP IT,

THEY'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING MORE

ANNOYING.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE GONNA START LICKING

MY ARMPIT OR TRYING TO STICK

THEIR BIG TOE IN MY BUTT.

I DON'T NEED THAT.

THIS I CAN DEAL WITH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MY BOYFRIEND'S ALWAYS TELLING ME

I'M CRAZY.

DUH, I'LL CUT YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S LIKE "YOU CALLED ME

FIVE TIMES IN A ROW.

THAT'S CRAZY."

"NO, I CALLED YOU 25 TIMES

IN A ROW, FIVE FROM AN UNBLOCKED

NUMBER, DUH.

GET IT RIGHT."

HE REALLY DOESN'T KNOW HOW

CRAZY.

I'VE ACTUALLY WOKEN UP LIKE ON A

SATURDAY MORNING AND LOOKED

OVER AT HIM AND THOUGHT,

"HMM, I CAN MAKE HIM BREAKFAST

OR BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH A

BAT."

[LAUGHTER]

THEN HE WAKES UP I'M LIKE,

"WAFFLES?

HE-HE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

ONE MORE DAY, BUDDY,

ONE MORE DAY ON EARTH.

YOU GET ANOTHER DAY.

NO, HE TRIED TO BREAK UP WITH ME

RECENTLY, AFTER FIVE YEARS.

WHO'S CRAZY NOW?

TELL ME WHO'S CRAZY.

YOU KNOW I'M NOT GONNA LET

THAT HAPPEN.

HE'S LIKE, "I THINK WE NEED

A BREAK."

"OH, NO BREAK."

HE'S LIKE, "NO, JUST SOMETHING

TEMPORARY.

WE CAN GET BACK TOGETHER."

"OH, TEMPORARY.

NO BREAK."

[LAUGHTER]

"MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE

WITH YOU ANY MORE."

"WELL, THEN KILL YOURSELF.

YOU HAVE OPTIONS USE THEM

WALKING OUT OF HERE."

THANK YOU.

GOD BLESS YOU.

I'M LYNNE KOPLITZ.

YOU'RE THE BEST.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Loading...