Gabriel Iglesias Presents Stand-Up Revolution
Season 2

Tony Baker & Alfred Robles

  • Season 2, Ep 5
  • 11/01/2012

Tony Baker wants to take bungee jumping to the next level, Alfred Robles has some advice for women dealing with men, and Gabriel Iglesias shares a "Hey It's Fluffy!" cartoon.

He text me and he mentionedit earlier but he, uh,

he got a little crazy andwound up in Hialeah somewhere

at someone's house.

And for everybodywatching at home,

Hialeah's no joke, it's-it getscrazy over there, all right?

If you're whiteand you're driving

through Hialeahafter 1:00 in the morning,

even the GPS is like:

(imitates bell ring)Good luck.

Careful.

Oh, yeah.

It is the east coast version ofEast Los Angeles, yes, that's...

And, of course, there was, uh,people asking, you know,

"When are you gonna shoot thenext one," and I've been talking

about doing stuff here inFlorida for quite some time,

and so I'm really excitedand I actually thought,

I used to thinkthat, uh, the Cubans

were the number-one Latinos herein town, I come to find out

that Puerto Ricansare creeping up.

(whooping, cheering)

Yeah, huh... (laughs nervously)

Puerto Ricans, you guysare very easy to identify.

Most Latinos you gotto listen to the Spanish,

Puerto Ricans, I give it up,you're easy to identify

'cause there'salways a flag nearby.

Puerto Ricans love the PuertoRican flag and I know why.

I know why.

'Cause no one's looking for you.

You can be as proudas you want, you know...

Wepa!All day long.

If you don't know the PuertoRican flag, it's very easy

to identify:it's red, white and blue,

it has one big star on it,a triangle and, uh, it's...

It's like the Americanflag but tweaked.

It's like the Cuban flag,but backwards in the colors.

Yeah, you guys love that flag.

You will put thatflag on anything.

Frickin' bumper sticker,hat, T-shirts, wallets...

a baby's born...(imitates baby crying)

Wepa!

Hell, yeah.

You're definitely the mostadvantaged of all the Latinos.

You know, 'cause Mexicans,we're-we're, you know,

we're loud to an extent.

But when we realize there couldbe potential drama, then...

(speaks Spanish quietly)

But we work hard.

And I noticed too,like, um, there's actually

a Mexican community herein town I didn't know about.

And, uh, I saw some guysdoing construction and that's

when I found out becauseI heard the music playing,

and it wasn't like Celia Cruzor nothing, it was actually

frigging, you know, regular,you know, you know

(sings in Spanish)

You know, straight up... I waslike, "That's Mexican music."

And I saw a guy in oneof the scaffoldings and I go,

"You guys are workingover here?"

"Oh, si, señor, si, señor."

I go, "In this economy, you guysare building another house?"

"Oh,señor,these peoplehave a lot of money.

Mucho dinero, mucho dinero."

Are they rich?

"Very rich."

How rich?

"Señor, I'm not even Mexican, hepays me to talk like this, no."

My friend's crazy,I can't believe...

He comes up to meand he asks me,

"Yo, Alfred, do youlike sleeping?"

Yeah.

"Sometimes you wish you couldsleep for a long time?"

Yeah.

Then he goes,"You know what that means?

"That means you want to die.

Think about it,"and he walks away.

I was thinking about it.

Man, that doesn't mean that.

So, I seen himthe next day and I ask him,

"Hey, bro, do you likebasketball?"

"Yeah."

"You like football?"

"Yeah."

"You know what that means?That means you like black guys."

"Think about it, bro."

And I walked away.

Hey, guys, don'tyou hate when you lie

to your girlfriendto get her back

and that lie works?

And now you gotta live the lie?

I told my girlfriendthat I started going

to church to get her back

and now I gotta go to church.

And I went to churchlast week and it was empty.

And I started talking to thefather and the father asked me,

"Hey, how can we getmore people here at church?"

And I told him, "You know whatwe got to have, Father?

We got to have Wi-Fi."

I want to be able to check in.

I never been molested.

(scattered laughter,light applause)

Thank you.

They say one person out of everyfamily has been molested.

The hard part is findingout who it is.

I called all my cousins.

Hey, bro, have youever been molested before?

Don't lie, you're the last one.

'Cause when you getmolested, you can get away

with doing anything 'causepeople feel sorry for you.

Right?

You could cheat on yourgirlfriend all you want.

She can't get mad.

'Cause you couldalways tell her,

"Hey, you know what, babe?

I was molested."

It always works.

I did that joke last nightand this lady got mad.

She comes up to me,she tells me,

"Hey, molestation ain't funny.

I was molested."

So, I told her, "I'm sorry,it's a touchy subject.

Right?

Believe half of the story.

If you meet a guy todayand he tells you he's a cop,

he's lying, believe half.

He's a security guard.

I know, I tell girlsI was in the Navy.

Believe half-- I usedto work at Old Navy.

And my brother,my brother got a tattoo.

He got his pictureof his kids on his back.

I asked him,"Why'd you get that for?"

He goes, "Because I cantake their pictures

everywhere I go now."

I told him, "You shouldhave bought a wallet.

It's cheaper."

That's how we are,Mexicans are proud people.

You ever see a Mexicanwith a tattoo of an Indian?

You ask himwhat tribe is he from.

"I don't know, bro, I seen thatmovie Apoc-ta-lypto."

We're the only people like that.

Right, you never seea white guy with a pilgrim.

Right?

You never seean Italian girl with Snookie.

(laughter)

Never happen, right?

You'll never see a Cubanwith a life raft.

And I voted for Obama--clap if you voted for Obama.

Yeah.

I know Obama's notdoing so good right now.

I think Obama should just havea big-ass press conference

and say, "You know what America?

"I'm sorry I've been messing up,

but I was molested."

Uh, you know, I'm 25% white.

And, occasionally,that 25 stands out

in the stuff I'm into.

You know what I'm saying, I justgot to blame it on that 25.

It don't-it don't reallymatch up with a black guy.

Like, I want to bungee jumpand skydive,

but I want to take itto the next level, guys.

Like, I want the pilotof the plane to jump out first.

Then I want the instructorto jump out,

I want to jump out last with noparachute as the plane explodes

for no reason, catch theinstructor mid-freefall,

pull his cord,then when we land together,

I want to tackle a cheetah.

That's that 25right there, guys.

That's that 25 right there,you know what I'm saying?

I like to go on naturewalks and hikes

and instead of runningfrom the grizzly bear or puma,

I like to stand there and marvelat it, maybe even bring the kids

in closer,so they can feel the fur

of a real wild animal,so we can

get mauled asa family, as a unit.

That's that 25right there, guys.

You ever notice minoritiesnever get mauled?

It's 'cause we getthe hell out of Dodge,

once we find out there's bearswalking around there.

"Yeah, but if you look,this is a real grizzly trail."

"There's bears out here?

Now give me my car keys;I didn't sign up for this."

(laughter)

It's that 25, guys.

It's that 25.

If I hear a strange noiseout back or in the basement,

I'll go check it out by myself.

That's that 25right there, guys.

(laughter)

That's that white-guy heroics,you know what I'm saying?

He'll wake his wife up,"Honey, honey, honey.

"Honey, I hearda noise out back.

"I'm gonna go check it out.

If I'm not back in 15 minutes,call the cops."

(laughter)

Minorities, we like forpeople to have our back,

you know what I'm saying?

If that means it's gonnabe our wife, so be it.

"Honey, honey, honey. Wake up.

"Wake up, get yourhouse shoes on.

I heard something out back."

(laughter, applause)

"Get the kids up just in case weneed some innocent eyes on this.

"I don't want to be the only onedead, at church on Sunday.

Let's... let's do this, guys."

I like to go to the movietheater and shut the hell up.

That's that 25right there, guys.

(laughter, applause)

That's that 25, right there.

I didn't sign up to hear

Jamal and them in the backwith the comments.

Shut up, Jamal and them.

Y'all see me watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part One.

As a man.

Me watching Twilight, that'sthat 25 right there, guys.

(laughter)

That's that 25, right there.

I like to talk itout with my kids,

instead of giving 'em whuppings,you know what I'm saying?

And therefore, in essence,raising the smart-mouthed kids

with no respect for adults.

That's that 25, right there.

But then I get madat the disrespect,

and I beat their asses.

That's that 75right there, guys.

(audience cheering)That's that 75, right there.

Jump, Fluffy!

You my owner, man.

If you punk out, I look bad.

Go, Fluffy, jump!

(truck hornplays "La Cucaracha")

I'll jump...

after I get a taco.

Aw, man.Is he serious?

Taco-eating punk.

Get your tacosand burritos

with the tasteof the Philippines.

You hungry, Fluffy?

Hell, yeah. Ten tacos.

This street meatis dog, man.

It's cannibalism, straight up.

Not for you, but it is for me.

Relax, it's not dog meat.

That's the Koreans

and the Thais and the Chineseand the Cambodians.

They eat everything,not the Filipinos.

Sometimes maybe, but not me.

Check it out, man!

They just opened upa karaoke bar

with free lumpiaup in this mug.

(engine starts)

Has anyone seen Dino?

(tires squeal)

My gourmet taco business.

(phone rings)Dino, where are you?

Know what, man, you didn'tbelieve me about the dog meat,

so I'm gonna prove itto your ass.

Martin, we need to save Dino.Jump!

(sirens wailing)

Nope, too high.

What? I thought you were cool.

It's just an act, bro.

No way.

(screaming)

(screaming continues)

(tires squealing)

You crashed my truck!

You're gonna go to prison!

Man, the only onegoing to prison

is your ass, Batengas,'cause I crashed this truck

into the headquarters

of Crime InvestigationDog Meat Division, player,

and they're gonna prove yourass is selling dog meat.

Hey, don't worry.

We're gonna have thisfigured out in a jiffy, okay?

I'll take this DNA sampleof this mystery meat

and put itinside this amazing machine.

Hell, yeah, DNA it up, baby.

(beeping)

(bell dings)

No dog meat.

Ha!

All right, we got sheep scab,

goat eyelid, cow anus,

but, uh, no dog meat.

Batengas, we won't complainabout the cow anus

and you don't complainabout the busted truck.

Okay. Just don't go aroundsaying I eat dog meat.

(engine starts)Fine.

There you go, Dino.

Hope you learned a valuablelesson about stereotypes.

Whatever.

(metallic clicks)

Fluffy!

Fluffy!

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