Wanda Sykes & Dane Cook

  • Season 2, Ep 30
  • 03/30/2004

Gladys develops her negatives, and Tobias hones his psychic skills.

( phone ringing )

>> Thank you for holding.

May I help you?

>> ( British accent ): Hello, is

this the dentist office?

>> Yes, it is.

>> Wonderful.

This is Niles Standish calling.

>> Uh-huh.

>> My ivories are a shambles.

( laughs )

I have a bit of a sweet tooth.

I absolutely love the butter

toffees.

>> Okay.

>> I've been a very naughty

eater.

>> You've been naughty? Uh-oh.

>> Indeed I have, love.

>> Mmm.

>> Now, I have a couple of quick

"Qs" for you about your dentist.

My mouth is quite sensitive.

Is the dentist gentle?

>> Yes.

>> Wonderful.

And as far as anesthetics go,

does the dentist have gas?

>> Yes.

>> Well, I certainly hope he

doesn't fluff in my face.

( laughing )

>> Uh-oh.

>> You see what I did?

I said, "Does he have gas?," you

said, "Yes," and I said, "I hope

he doesn't fluff in my face."

I got you, didn't I, love?

>> Yes, you did.

That is too funny.

( Niles chuckling )

>> I had a bit of free time on

my hands so I was just playing

around with the telly.

( chuckling )

>> There you go.

>> I'm quite lonely.

( phone disconnects )

>> Sorry, Chuck.

( phone rings )

>> ( bleep ) May I help you?

>> ( heavy accent ): Uh, hel-

hello?

>> Yes, may I help you?

>> Uh, book trip.

I... for me to book trip.

>> Okay. Where would you like to

go?

>> My fame... family fame-ily...

to take... cruise.

Cruise, yes?

>> Okay. Right, a cruise.

>> Cru-Cruise?

>> ( slowly ): When would you

like to go?

>> ( American accent ): Uh....

January.

>> January? Okay.

>> ( heavy accent ): If...

please...

>> Okay.

>> For my family. Cruise?

>> Yes.

>> ( American accent ): Are

there pets allowed?

>> On a cruise? No.

>> ( heavy accent ): Oh... okay.

How... how much for cr-cruise?

>> How long? How many days?

>> How ma-many... ?

>> How many days or nights?

>> ( American accent ): Do the

packages include meals?

>> Yes, the packages include

meals.

>> ( heavy accent ): H-how-how-

how much?

>> Where do you want to go?

>> ( American accent ):

Cozumel.

>> How many people do I have on

the phone, here?

>> ( heavy accent ): For...

for... just for me.

For... hello?

>> Yes?

>> Climate... heat.

>> Yes?

>> How... how much for me?

>> There are a lot of variables

there.

There's... a lot of places that

are warm.

>> Vari-bubbles?

>> Variables-- things that

change.

Where do you want to go?

How long do you want to cruise?

>> ( American accent ): First

class all the way, by the way.

No steerage on this one.

>> There's no such thing as

steerage.

Uh, how many people do I have

on the phone?

>> ( heavy accent ): I... uh,

me. Just for me.

>> I've got you, and I've got

someone who speaks English real

well.

>> I... I... learn English.

I... I... know some for...

( American accent ): I can talk

well sometimes, and then I...

( heavy accent ): ...sometimes

don't... don't know.

It's really weird.

( bleep ) it.

>> Sounds like I have two

different people on the

telephone here.

>> Uh, uh, no, I-I... at home...

( heavy accent ): ...just

kicking back.

I'm getting a little hungry

here.

( snaps fingers )

Let's do this.

>> Yeah. Call me back when

you're done yanking my chain.

( seagulls calling )

( screams )

(

( phone ringing )

>> Hello?

>> Hi, my name is Kurt, but I go

by Tobias.

I'm a telepsychic, but this will

not cost you a penny.

I'm just trying to hone my

skills before I take it out into

the workplace.

>> Okay.

>> If you don't mind, I'll just

give you a quick reading over

the phone.

>> Okay.

>> All right.

First, there's a part of you

that you show the outer world,

yes?

>> Yes.

>> There's a part of you that's

been approved for Tobias and the

rest of the world to see and

then there's a part of you

that's hidden inside, yes?

>> Yes.

>> Yes, Tobias knows.

Single woman, yes?

>> Yes, I do have a husband.

Mm-hmm.

>> Yes, you do have a husband,

yes.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Yes, that's what Tobias...

You have children, yes?

>> Yes.

>> Your daughter...

>> I have no daughter, I have

boys.

>> You cut me off, but Tobias

was about to say your

daughter... don't have one, why

bring her up, yes?

One son, excessive

masturbator...

>> I've got two sons.

>> The other son...

>> One's mine and one's a

stepchild.

>> Mm-hmm.

The stepson, he enjoys the

company of men, yes?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> But you love him anyway, yes?

You accept his lifestyle?

>> Uh, I don't know if I accept

that type of lifestyle.

>> The spirits told Tobias he's

here, he's queer, Tobias needs

you to get used to it.

Tobias also knows that there's a

Cult Roundup magazine in

between the mattress and box

spring, yes?

But you love your child, yes?

>> Yeah.

>> Your son's room, very neat

and well decorated, yes?

>> No.

>> During the summer months, you

have seen him in mock

turtlenecks, yes?

>> No.

>> The frames of his glasses...

a little hip, yes?

>> No.

>> But he wears glasses, yes?

>> Correct.

>> Yes, Tobias knows.

You have a secret burning

attraction for your stepson,

yes?

>> Eww, how disgusting.

>> Forbidden fruit, yes?

>> No.

Eww, no.

( cat meows )

>> After a glass of wine or two,

your thoughts stray, yes?

>> No.

>> You're an amorous woman, yes?

>> No.

>> You're a tigress, yes?

>> No.

>> Tobias knows.

( inhales deeply )

Tobias can smell passion on a

woman or possibly a yeast

infection.

>> Tobias, you need to work a

little bit more on your psychic

abilities.

>> You worked with torpedoes in

the navy, yes?

>> Used to.

>> And you also worked with the

Tomahawk and Harpoon missiles,

yes?

>> Yeah, you're obviously

reading my resume.

>> How dare you insult Tobias by

questioning his integrity?!

( lightning crashing )

You trained staff on software

program and WordPerfect 5.1,

yes?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Also did weight testing and

handling and stowage and

maintenance?

>> Yep, keep reading.

You're doing a good job.

>> Yes, Tobias... How dare you.

Can Tobias have your gay son's

phone number, yes?

>> Sir, you've got problems.

>> Yes.

>> Good-bye.

>> Yes.

( drums playing

military cadence )

( fife joins in )

( rumbling )

( explosion )

( music continues )

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