CC Presents: Tom Papa

  • Season 5, Ep 9
  • 08/26/2001

YEAH.

I SEE YA LOOKING, LADIES,

BUT I'M SORRY, I'M MARRIED.

I KNOW, IT'S HARD FOR ME, TOO.

HAVING TO PARADE THIS MAN CANDY

AROUND IN FRONT OF ALL OF YOU.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

KNOWING I CAN'T GIVE YOU A LICK.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

BUT WE COULD STILL BE FRIENDS.

LOVE MY GIRL.

DO.

HAPPILY MARRIED.

FELL IN LOVE WITH HER THE MINUTE

I SAW HER PLACE.

(LAUGHTER)

A LOT OF PRESSURE THOUGH.

I WAS MARRIED ONCE BEFORE.

IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I WAS YOUNG AND STUPID.

IT WAS AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE.

PUT TOGETHER BY DRUGS AND

ALCOHOL.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NEVER WORKS OUT.

I LIKE IT, THOUGH.

IT'S GOOD BEING MARRIED.

YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE A LONG TIME,

IT'S NICE.

YOU BREAK UP, IT'S HORRIBLE.

IT'S HURTFUL.

NOT BECAUSE OF THE EMOTIONS.

YOU CAN GET OVER THAT.

IT'S ALL THE SECRETS THEY TAKE

WITH THEM WHEN THEY GO.

VERY UNSETTLING AFTER A

BREAK UP, KNOWING THERE'S

SOMEBODY CIRCULATING FREELY

OUT THERE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE

THAT YOU LIKE TO BE SPANKED

WITH A NAKED G.I. JOE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S NEXT?

KIDS?

EVERYONE WANTS US TO BREED.

I DON'T KNOW-- NOT A BIG FAN

OF THE KIDS, FRANKLY.

YEAH.

I'VE GOT TONS OF NIECES

AND NEPHEWS.

I LOVE THEM, I DO.

SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT

HAVING MY OWN.

YOU KNOW, I BABYSIT THEM A LOT,

YOU KNOW?

AT THE END OF THE DAY,

I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE LOBSTERS

CHEWING ON MY BALLS.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY DON'T LISTEN.

THEY COME TO MY HOUSE.

THEY BREAK STUFF.

I KNOW, IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN

THEY'RE YOURS.

YEAH.

'CAUSE THEN YOU CAN HIT THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

AS AN UNCLE, WHAT CAN YOU DO?

JUST TRIP THEM AS THEY GO BY.

WELL, THAT'S KARMA, BILLY,

YOU DO BAD THINGS, BAD THINGS

HAPPEN TO YOU.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

YOU CAN'T TEASE THEM ANYMORE

NOW.

YOU CALL THEM A NERD,

THEY WANT TO GET ALL CRAZY.

COME ON, ISN'T THAT WHY YOU

GO TO SCHOOL?

RIGHT?

TO LEARN THAT PEOPLE ARE MEAN

AND NASTY, AND ARE GONNA MOCK

YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT WHEN YOU'RE

FOUR.

YOU'RE HOME, EVERYONE LOVES YOU.

MOM LOVES YOU.

DAD LOVES YOU.

THE CAT LOVES YOU.

THEN YOU GET TO SCHOOL--

THE KIDS COME RUNNING IN...

WHY DOES YOUR EYE DO THAT?

(LAUGHTER)

EWWW!

LOOK AT THIS GUY'S EYE.

HEY, GOOGLY EYE, AAHHH!

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

WE ALL CATCH IT.

WE ALL GO THROUGH THAT.

I DID IN THIRD GRADE,

I HAD THE SAME SIZED HEAD I HAVE

RIGHT NOW.

(AUDIENCE CLAPS)

DON'T CLAP FOR THAT--

THAT'S A HORRIBLE THING I WENT

THROUGH!

IT SUCKS HAVING A BIG HEAD

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING

ABOUT IT.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

GO IN THE GYM?

(LAUGHTER)

JUMP ON THE HEAD MACHINE?

MY FRIENDS WOULD TELL ME:

PUT ON A HAT.

PUT ON A HAT?

THAT'S LIKE PUTTING GLITTER

ON A PIMPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT DIDN'T HELP AT ALL.

BIG, FAT KID.

MY MOM LOVED ME.

EVERYDAY FOR LUNCH, THREE SALAMI

SANDWICHES.

THREE.

YEAH.

THE OTHER KIDS DIDN'T LET THAT

SLIDE.

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALLED ME?

TOMMY SALAMI.

THAT'S NOT A NICKNAME FOR A

THIRD GRADER.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL A MAFIA

HIT MAN.

(LAUGHTER)

OR PORN STAR.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS FAT.

MOST KIDS ARE SCARED OF MONSTERS

OR THE BOOGIE MAN.

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT SCARED ME?

THAT ROPE IN GYM CLASS.

OH, I KNEW I COULDN'T HAUL

MY CHUBBY ASS UP THAT ROPE.

I USED TO HAVE NIGHTMARES.

I'D GET HALF WAY UP AND SLIDE

DOWN AND SMELL LIKE BACON.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHEN WAS AT MY FATTEST,

MY DAD GETS THIS IDEA.

HE'S GOING TO PUT ME IN SPORTS.

YEAH.

FIGURING THAT'S A GOOD PLACE

TO LOSE MY SELF ESTEEM, I GUESS.

HE PUT ME IN TRACK.

WHAT A HORRIBLE SPORT THAT IS,

YOU KNOW?

I'M FAT, I HAVE A BIG HEAD

AND NOW I'M IN SHORTS IN PUBLIC.

NOW I'M AS GOOD AS THE GUY

WHO HITS THAT GUN.

I GOT TO START RUNNING LIKE A

JACKASS.

WHY?

WHY?

TO BE FIRST?

I DON'T WANT TO BE FIRST.

I WANT TO BE HOME, EATING CHEESE

DOODLES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEN HE PUTS ME WRESTLING.

THAT'S A TREAT WHEN YOU'RE

TWELVE, FAT AND SQUISHY.

'CAUSE THEY MAKE YOU THE

HEAVYWEIGHT AS SOON AS YOU GET

THERE.

THEY'RE LIKE, 105, 110,

LARD ASS, PERFECT.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY PUT ME IN A VAN.

AND THEY TOOK ME TO PASCATOWAY

NEW JERSEY TO WRESTLE THEIR

HEAVYWEIGHT.

YEAH.

I BET YOU'RE ANOTHER FAT KID?

TWELVE YEARS OLD, THIS KID HAD A

BEARD AND MUSTACHE.

HIS KIDS WERE WATCHING FROM

THE BLEACHERS.

IN TWO SECONDS FLAT,

I WAS ON MY BACK, HIS NUTS IN MY

FACE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S LIKE, GREAT, THANKS, DAD.

(APPLAUSE)

HORRIBLE.

MY NEPHEWS LOVE IT.

THEY PLAY THE BASEBALL.

LOVE THE BASEBALL.

I WOULD, TOO, NOW.

THERE'S NO OUTS WHEN YOU PLAY

BASEBALL NOW--

ARE YOU AWARE OF THAT?

NO OUTS.

SO EVERY KID GETS TO HIT

EVERY INNING.

THEY DON'T EVEN KEEP SCORE

SO NOBODY WINS OR LOSES

AND WE ALL GO HOME HAPPY.

WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT?

WE WERE TOLD WHAT WE WERE

GOOD AT.

I WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONAUT.

MY PARENTS CAME TO ME,

YOU CAN'T.

YOU'RE ALMOST RETARDED-

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND YOUR HEAD WON'T FIT

IN THE HELMET.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

TOM>> I DON'T KNOW--

MAYBE I'LL HAVE KIDS--

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M COOL ANYMORE.

I'M NOT COOL AT THIS POINT,

IT'S OVER.

IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S GONNA CRAMP

MY STYLE AT THIS POINT.

WERE YOU EVER COOL, SIR?

NO?

SEE?

YOU'RE OKAY.

YOU WERE NEVER COOL--

NOW YOU CAN BE THE SAME GUY YOUR

WHOLE LIFE.

I WAS COOL, NOW I GOTTA BE

SOMETHING NEW.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I KNOW I'M OUT OF IT.

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?

I STILL WATCH THE MTV.

LOVE THE MTV.

BUT IT BECOMES THE MONITOR FOR

HOW OUT OF IT YOU HAVE BECOME.

IT'S TRUE.

WHEN I WAS TWENTY, I'D WATCH

SPRING BREAK.

IT WAS NICE.

GIRLS IN THONG BIKINIS.

WEEEE.

GUYS POPPING BEERS, POURING THEM

ON HER ASS.

WEEEE.

WHEN I WAS TWENTY, I MIGHT GO.

GET A COUPLE FRIENDS,

I'D BE IN FLORIDA IN WHAT?

TWO, THREE DAYS.

NOW IF I SHOWED UP, MTV SECURITY

WOULD TAP ME ON THE SHOULDERS.

SIR, PUT YOUR SHIRT ON.

(LAUGHTER)

GO HOME TO YOUR WIFE.

THIS IS EMBARRASSING.

NO, YOU'RE NOT SLIM SHADY.

(LAUGHTER)

I NEED A VH1 SPRING BREAK,

YOU KNOW?

WE'RE GOING TO FLORIDA.

GET TO SOUTH CAROLINA,

JUST STOP.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLES AND CHEERS)

GET OUT OF THE CAR, POP A BEER,

POUR IT ON MY OWN ASS.

HANG OUT, SING JOURNEY TUNES.

WHEW!

WHEW!

WHEW.

LET'S GO HOME.

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

AND I WANT TO GET HOME EARLY

ON SUNDAY.

I HATE GETTING HOME LATE

ON SUNDAY.

'CAUSE THEN YOU GO TO WORK EARLY

ON MONDAY.

IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A

DAY OFF.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

LESS FRIENDS, TOO.

EVERY YEAR YOU'RE ALIVE,

LESS FRIENDS.

IT'S AMAZING.

ASK ANYBODY OVER 30.

IF THEY TELL YOU THEY HAVE MORE

THAN TEN FRIENDS, YOU KNOW

THEY'RE COUNTING CO-WORKERS.

ALL MY FRIENDS ALL SPLIT AS SOON

AS I GOT MARRIED--

LIKE RATS LEAVING A SINKING

SHIP.

FIRST, 'CAUSE WE GOT MARRIED,

AND THEN WE MOVED

TO CHELSEA HERE IN THE CITY.

AND THEY ALL FREAKED OUT:

TOM, YOU'RE LIVING IN THE GAY

AREA.

HOW ARE WE GOING TO VISIT YOU

IN THE GAY AREA?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, THOUGH,

A GAY AREA.

WHAT ARE ALL THE SQUIRRELS

RUNNING AROUND IN FUSCHIA

JUMPSUITS IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD?

THE MAILMEN COME WITH THE MAIL:

HERE'S MAIL FOR YOU, AND YOU,

AND YOU.

MAIL, MAIL, MAIL.

OLD, LIVING IN NEW YORK, THOUGH.

SCARY PLACE TO LIVE,

DON'T YOU AGREE?

NOT BECAUSE OF THE CRIME--

THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

IT'S THREAT OF THE TERRORIST

STUFF.

'CAUSE EVERY TIME SOME WACKO

ROUND THE WORLD WANTS TO MAKE A

POINT, FOR SOME REASON THEY COME

TO MANHATTAN.

WITH PLANS TO BLOW STUFF UP.

AND THEY ALWAYS SAY THEY WANT TO

GET BACK AT AMERICANS BY BLOWING

UP THE SUBWAYS.

HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE SUBWAYS?

(LAUGHTER)

THERE'S HARDLY AN AMERICAN DOWN

THERE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THERE'S GONNA BE ONE GUY

DOWN THERE WITH A BOMB--

IN THE NAME OF ALLAH,

I'M GOING TO...

MOTHER?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I ALMOST DIED RECENTLY.

LITTLE ADVICE-- DO NOT GO ON

THE INTERNET AND TRY AND SAVE

MONEY ON YOUR FLIGHTS.

CHEAP FOR A REASON.

I GET THERE-- THERE'S NOT EVEN

A NAME ON THE PLANE, IT'S JUST

A GUY IN GOGGLES, GOING,

"LET'S GO.

THIS WAY."

(LAUGHTER)

EVERY TIME, MECHANICAL PROBLEMS,

AND THEY'RE SO DUMB THAT THEY

TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT'S WRONG.

THEY'RE NOT THE BIG GUYS,

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE VERY

PROFESSIONAL--

THEY HAVE A PROBLEM,

THEY'RE DISCREET.

THEY HAVE PROBLEMS, UH--

EVERYBODY WE'RE EXPERIENCING

SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

JUST SIT TIGHT.

WE'RE GOING TO GET THIS PROBLEM

FIXED.

GET YOU TO YOUR DESTINATION

QUICKLY, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY,

AS SAFELY AS POSSIBLE.

I'M ON THIS PIECE OF CRAP

AIRLINE-- WE'RE ON THE RUNWAY,

ABOUT TO TAKE OFF,

GOOD THING WE DIDN'T TAKE OFF.

(LAUGHTER)

THE LEFT ENGINE ISN'T WORKING

WE'RE GOING TO TRY TO GET FUEL

FROM THE RIGHT ENGINE TO THE

LEFT ENGINE.

SO, IF EVERYBODY COULD JUST LEAN

TO THE LEFT.

OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET

A MECHANIC OUT HERE TO TAKE A

LOOK AT THIS.

I'M THINKING A MECHANIC ON A

JET PLANE HAS GOT TO BE SERIOUS

BUSINESS, RIGHT?

A GUY IN A CLEAN JUMPSUIT,

MILITARY HAIR CUT, M.I.T.

DEGREES.

NOT A MECHANIC, MECHANIC.

NOT A GUY WHEN HE GETS THE CALL,

IS DOING BONG HITS IN HIS SHOP

FIVE MINUTES BEFORE.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY SENT

OUT.

A WHITE GUY WITH DREAD LOCKS.

SO YOU KNOW HE MAKES A LOT OF

BAD DECISIONS.

(APPLAUSE)

THIS GUY'S ON THE PLANE FOR

2 1/2 HOURS.

THE PILOT COMES BACK: GOOD NEWS,

EVERYBODY.

THEY SAY WE'RE READY TO GO.

WHO'S THEY?

IS THE DREADLOCK GUY THEY?

THEY DON'T LOOK THAT BRIGHT.

ARE THEY COMING WITH US?

NO, THEY'RE GOING HOME BY CAR.

ONCE YOU'RE UP THERE--

EVERYBODY COMPLAINS ABOUT BABIES

CRYING.

BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY DO--

BABIES CRY.

THE KIDS THAT BOTHER ME ARE

THE ONES THAT CAN TALK.

BECAUSE THEY SAY OUT LOUD

ALL THE FEARS I'M TRYING

TO SUPPRESS.

(LAUGHTER)

ON THIS DEATH DEFYING FLIGHT

BACK HOME.

IT'S LIKE--

ALL RIGHT, LIFT OFF,

I HOPE THIS IS COOL.

KID POPS UP BEHIND ME--

"WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE REALLY REALLY HIGH!

THAT MAN TALKS LIKE A LADY.

WE'RE GONNA DIE!

WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOR ME, THOUGH, IS STAYING IN

HOTELS.

THAT IS CREEPY BUSINESS,

ISN'T IT?

'CAUSE OTHER PEOPLE HAVE BEEN

IN THOSE ROOMS BEFORE ME.

A LOT OF PEOPLE.

AND PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING.

WE ALL ARE.

I AM.

YOU ARE.

YOU DEFINITELY ARE.

(LAUGHTER)

NOT NOW.

WE LOOK NICE, WE'RE OUT,

WE'RE ALL DRESSED UP.

YOU PUT ON YOUR NICE...

T-SHIRT.

LOOK GOOD.

BUT WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS.

YOU LET YOUR HAIR DOWN.

IT GETS KIND OF NASTY.

I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.

AND NO PLACE DO YOU LET YOUR

HAIR DOWN MORE THAN WHEN YOU'RE

IN A HOTEL.

LET'S FACE IT.

YOU DO THINGS IN A HOTEL YOU

WOULD NEVER THINK ABOUT DOING

IN YOUR OWN HOME.

AS SOON AS THAT DOOR SHUTS,

PANTS COME OFF.

WHOOO!

DROP STUFF ON THE FLOOR.

I AIN'T PICKING THAT CRAP UP.

SIT ON THE END OF THE BED,

CLIP YOUR TOE NAILS.

BING, BING, BING, BING, BING!

HYPOCRITES, THOUGH.

I SEE ONE HAIR IN THAT SINK...

SECURITY.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU PUT ME IN A DIRTY ROOM.

PEOPLE ARE BAD NEWS.

YOU SEE THAT REPORT THEY DID ON

THE ABC?

THEY TOOK AN ULTRA VIOLET LIGHT

THROUGH HOTELS, NICE HOTELS.

SEE HOW CLEAN THEY WERE.

THEY FOUND SPERM EVERYWHERE.

(LAUGHTER)

EVERYWHERE.

ON THE REMOTE CONTROL.

ON THE CEILING.

(AUDIENCE MEMBER GROANS)

YEAH.

WITH HOW MUCH I TRAVEL,

HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?

THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT'S

MINE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CREEPY.

IT'S THE TRUTH.

MY ANNIVERSARY'S COMING UP,

WE'RE PLANNING A ROMANTIC

GETAWAY.

YEAH.

THAT'S EVEN WORSE.

EVER TRY THAT?

YOU GO TO A BED AND BREAKFAST?

OH, YEAH, THAT'S A COMFORTABLE

MORNING, ISN'T IT?

COMING DOWN AND SHARING COFFEE

WITH ALL THE STRANGERS THAT WERE

EAVESDROPPING ON YOU THE NIGHT

BEFORE?

"WELL, GOOD MORNING, COWBOY."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GONNA EAT MY MUFFIN

IN MY ROOM.

I LIKE GOING TO PLACES THAT ARE

REALLY WARM RIGHT NOW.

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

WINTER--

THAT'S NICE.

I GET OFF THE PLANE,

I'M SO WHITE, THE LOCALS THINK

I'M AN ANGEL THEY GIVE ME

TRINKETS AND THEIR DAUGHTERS--

IT'S NICE.

I STILL TAKE A LOT OF PICTURES

WHEN I'M OUT THERE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY, 'CAUSE

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THEM AT ALL.

IT COULD BE THE MOST MEANINGFUL

EXPERIENCE TO YOU IN YOUR LIFE.

NOBODY GIVES A CRAP.

AND I UNDERSTAND WHY--

'CAUSE WHEN YOU SHOW PEOPLE

PICTURES OF YOUR EXPERIENCE,

WHAT YOU'RE REALLY SAYING IS

"I'M BETTER THAN YOU.

NO, LOOK, THIS IS ME.

LOOK.

WHITE WATER RAFTING IN AUGUST.

LOOK AT THAT.

YEAH.

TWO WEEKS.

WHERE WERE YOU IN AUGUST?"

OH, WORKING, YEAH, YEAH.

OH, THAT'S WHEN THE TONER SPILT

ON YOUR SUIT?

OH, YEAH.

NOW, THAT'S ME, BETTER THAN YOU,

RIGHT THERE.

YEAH.

I GAVE MY DAD A DIGITAL CAMERA

FOR CHRISTMAS--

THAT'S A MISTAKE.

HE'S ONE OF THOSE GUYS THAT GETS

WACKY WHEN HE TAKES THE PHOTOS,

YOU KNOW?

HE CAN'T JUST SAY "CHEESE"

HE'S GOT TO GET SOMETHING CLEVER

IN THERE.

YOU KNOW, AT THE LAST MINUTE?

OKAY, GET IN, GET GRANDMA.

OKAY, ONE TWO THREE, SAY--

"DONKEY TURDS!"

YOU JUST GET BACK PICTURES OF

EVERYBODY LIKE...

NO ONE LIKES GETTING YOUR

PICTURE TAKEN.

IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.

IT'S AWKWARD.

DO YOU EVER HAVE THAT POSE THAT

YOU HIT THAT YOU THINK LOOKS

GOOD?

SO YOU TRY TO HIT THAT MARK

EVERY TIME SOMEONE SHOWS UP WITH

A CAMERA?

EVERY PICTURE OF ME BETWEEN

13 AND 17 WERE LIKE THIS...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHO'S TOMMY SALAMI NOW?

(APPLAUSE)

STUFF.

LOVE.

YOU GOTTA TRY AND WORK THAT.

I THINK THAT'S THE ANSWER.

YOU FIND SOMEONE YOU REALLY

LOVE.

IT'S NICE, RIGHT?

BUT YOU GOTTA WORK AT IT.

IT'S NOT AN EASY THING.

YOU GOTTA KEEP PRACTICING,

YOU KNOW?

WE ALL HAVE LIKE 12 SEXUAL

TRICKS IN OUR BAG.

AND YOU RUN OUT OF THOSE WHEN

YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE A LONG TIME.

IN THE BEGINNING, IT'S GREAT.

HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD

THAT--

WHEE!

LET'S DO IT DOWN HERE!

WHEE!

THEN YOU GOTTA START COMING UP

WITH NEW TRICKS, AND THAT GETS

EMBARRASSING.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE MARRIED.

IF YOU'RE DATING AND YOU TRY

SOMETHING OUT SEXUALLY,

IT DOESN'T WORK--

YOU NEVER HAVE TO SEE EACH OTHER

AGAIN.

IF YOU'RE MARRIED,

THEY'LL REMIND YOU OF THAT FOR

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

YOU BE LIKE, HEY, YOU WANNA GO

TRY IT DOWNSTAIRS TONIGHT?

THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE LIKE

THE TOOL BENCH INCIDENT, IS IT?

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, IT WAS THAT BAD--

I HAVE A SCAR!

MY WIFE WANTS ME TO ROLE PLAY.

YOU EVER TRY THAT?

THE ROLE PLAY?

NO.

'CAUSE IT'S STUPID.

I'M LIKE WHO DO YOU WANT ME

TO BE?

SHE SAYS, ANYBODY BUT YOU.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M WITH HER 24 HOURS A DAY.

I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO SHOW UP:

HEY, I'M THE PLUMBER.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THE PLUMBER.

I WANT TO BE BATMAN.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE WANTS ME TO TALK DURING SEX.

I DON'T TALK.

WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY?

UMM... DONE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WORDS ARE SO GOOFY, AREN'T THEY?

THEY'RE HORRIBLE--

VAGINA-- TERRIBLE WORD.

RIGHT, LADIES?

YOU KNOW A MAN CAME UP

WITH THAT.

IF A WOMAN NAMED IT,

IT'D BE BEAUTIFUL AND POWERFUL

AT THE SAME TIME.

IT'D BE LIKE--

"EXCELSIOR."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU TAKE ME SHOPPING--

I'LL SHOW YOU "EXCELSIOR."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

VAGINA?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU

CALL IN SICK WITH, DOESN'T IT?

I CAN'T COME TO WORK, DON.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I'VE GOT VAGINA!

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S ALL OVER MY FACE!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

IF YOU HAVE LOVE AND WANT TO

HANG ON TO IT--

THE BEST ADVICE SOMEONE GAVE

ME-- DON'T BREAK UP OVER LITTLE

STUFF.

LET ALL THE LITTLE STUFF SLIDE.

IT'S TRUE.

BREAK UP OVER LITTLE STUFF.

THINKING YOU'RE GONNA MEET

SOMEBODY NEW, THINKING IT'S

GONNA BE GREAT.

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FIND?

MORE CRAP.

WE'VE ALL GOT IT.

I'VE GOT IT.

MY WIFE'S GOT IT.

SHE'S GOT CATS.

TWO OF THEM.

LOVES THEM TO DEATH.

LOVES THESE CATS.

I DON'T LIKE CATS.

NEVER HAVE.

SHE LOVES THEM.

SO NOW WE'RE TOGETHER.

SO GUESS WHAT?

I LOVE THEM, TOO.

YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)

HOW LONG ARE THEY GOING TO LIVE,

ANYWAY?

TEN YEARS?

FIFTEEN YEARS?

BARRING AN "ACCIDENT" OR...

DOOR LEFT OPEN?

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT CAN HAPPEN.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I LIKE DOGS.

THEY'RE EVERYTHING YOU WANNA BE

AS MEN.

NO PANTS ON.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

BRING YOUR GIRLFRIEND OVER,

WHAT DOES YOUR DOG DO?

A HEAD RIGHT IN HER CROTCH.

AH, I THINK I LOVE YOU.

CATS ARE FEMININE.

WE DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM.

THEY'RE MYSTERIOUS.

THEY'RE RREEER.

VERY SECRETIVE.

RRREEEER.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A CAT HAVE

SEX.

NOBODY HAS.

THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL HASN'T

CAUGHT THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU HEAR IT.

YOU HEAR IT.

LATE AT NIGHT YOU'RE TRYING

TO SLEEP.

AAAAHHH!

OOHH, YEAH!

WHO'S YOUR DOGGY!

AAAHHH!

GOOD

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