Tuesday, October 29, 2013

  • 10/29/2013

The contestants look through a Tumblr devoted to cats who roll in cash.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S START WITH OUR

FIRST GAME.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINE OOTDZ TIME FOR "RAPID

REFRESH."

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A QUESTION

WITH THREE POSSIBLE ANSWERS.

THE FIRST TO BUZZ IN GETS 100

POINTS.

THE N.B.A. SEASON STARTS TONIGHT

ENDING A BUSY OFF-SEASON EXPECT

FOR NEW YORK NICK J.R. SMITH.

WHAT PICKUP LINE DID HE USE TO

FLIRT WITH A FEMALE FAN.

YOU TRYING TO GET THE PIPE?

B, CAN I HOLLA AT YOUR GINA?

OR C, SUP?

MEET AT CHEESECAKE FACTORY.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> C?

>> NO THE CORRECT ANSWER IS A.

>> NO WAY!

>> YES!

>> I LOVE IT!

>> HE'S PLUMBING HIS PENIS--

>> I CALL MY VAGINA THE

CHEESECAKE FACTORY.

THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT-- THAT'S

WHY I THOUGHT IT WAS C.

>> WELL, I'VE HEARD--

>> I CALL VAGINAS TRYINAS.

>> THE "X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE

PAST" TRAILER WAS RELEASED AND

HOLY CRAP IS THE INTERNET

EXCITED THE TRAILER EVOKED

DISTURBINGLY SEXUAL RESPONSES

FROM THE TWITTER VERSE.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING REAL

TWEETS WAS FROM A FEMALE FAN.

THE XMAN TRAILER IS OUT AND I'M

AT SCHOOL.

( BLEEP ) ME IN THE ASS.

I WONDER IF THE MARKET RESEARCH

PEOPLE ARE LIKE WHERE DO WE PUT

THAT ON A CHART?

B, JUST WATCHED THE TRAIL FOR

"X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST," BE

RIGHT BACK WHILE I JUICE FOR JOY

IN THIS WHOLE FOODS CHECKOUT

LINE.

C, JUST WATCHED THE NEW X-MEN

TRAILER AND I THINK I JUST TOOK

A ( BLEEP ) OUT OF MY DICK.

I THINK.

I THINK I DID.

YOU'D KNOW.

PATTON.

>> I HAVE TO BOW OUT OF THIS

ROUND.

THE SECOND ONE'S MINE.

( LAUGHTER )

SORRY.

>> YEAH, IT'S NOT FAIR.

>> YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO TAKE

A GUESS?

>> NO, NO, NO.

>> NIKKI.

>> LADIES FIRST.

>> I'M GOING TO DEFINITELY SAY

A.

>> YES, THAT IS THE CORRECT

ANSWER.

IS THAT AN APPROPRIATE RESPONSE

GEE WHEN, WHEN YOU'RE AT SCHOOL

AND MISS SOMETHING WANT TO GET

( BLEEP ) IN THE ASS.

>> GIRLS DON'T TAKE ( BLEEP )

OUT OF THEIR DICKS BECAUSE THEY

DON'T HAVE DICKS.

>> AND YOUDICKS.

>> DRIKS LIKE THAT.

>> IF A VAGINA IS A CHEESECAKE

FACTORY, SHE WANTS TO GET

( BLEEP ) IN HER DENNYS.

>> TO BE FAIR.

NO, HER OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE.

>> AAHH!

>> THIS BABY IS GONE!

>> IT'S OVER THE GREEN MONSTER.

WE'RE HAVING FUN.

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

WAR.

BAM.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU GUYS A

HASHTAG AND I WANT YOU TO BUZZ

IN WITH AS MANY TWEETS THAT FIT

THE HASHTAG.

IN HONOR OF THE NEW X-MEN

TRAILER COMING OUT TONIGHT'S

HASH TACK IS

#LAMECOMICBOOKCHARACTERS.

THESE MIGHT BE LIKE THE FLASHER.

OR SCAT WOMAN, OR THE HUMAN

PORCH AND HIS ARCH NEM SISHES

THE WIDLER.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK.

YOU BUZZ IN WHEN YOU HAVE

ANSWERS.

>> WOLVER LISTERINE.

>> CENTRUM SILVER SURFER.

>> AQUA MAN.

>> THIS MAN KNOWS HIS AUDIENCE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> NIKKI GLASER.

>> CAT LADY.

>> POINTS, YES.

>> SENSITIVE BOYFRIEND.

>> IS THAT YOU IN THAT SWEATER?

POINTS.

>> GARFIELD.

>> THE POWER OF HATING MONDAYS.

POINT, SURE, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

NIKKI.

>> THE BLACK WIDOW-- IT'S LIKE A

WOMAN WHO LOST HER HUSBAND.

>> AND SHE'S AFRICAN AMERICAN.

>> YES.

>> TEAM LANTERN.

>> IT'S ON HIS PEENS OR HIS

PEENS IS SHAPED LIKE A LANT

INNER.

HIS PENIS TURNED INTO A LANTERN.

>> SOR-- HIS REAL NAME IS ZOR,

BUT HE HAS A CLIPS.

NIKKI GLASER.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,

TWEETS THROUGH TIME.

CIVILIZATION HAS BEEN AROUND FOR

LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF YEARS,

YOU GUYS.

>> NOT ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE.

EARTH IS ONLY 6,000 YEARS OLD,

THANK YOU.

GO AHEAD WITH THE CATEGORY.

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

UNFORTUNATELY, TWITTER WAS NOT

AROUND FOR MOST OF CIVILIZATION,

SO I'M GOING TO NAME AN

HISTORICAL EVENT AND I WANT TO

YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE

TWEETED ABOUT IT.

IF YOUR TWEET IS FUNNY YOU WILL

GET 250 POINTS.

FIRST ONE, "TITANIC" SINKS,

REMEMBER THAT HILARIOUS EVENT.

>> THIS CHICK JUST LET HER

BOYFRIEND DROWN SO SHE COULD

STRETCH OUT ON THIS FROZEN PIECE

OF WOOD.

LO LO LO.

>> NEXT ONE, PRESIDENT LINCOLN

SHOT.

>> I DID A TRIBUTE--

@JOHNWILKESBOOTH, ASSASSINATE MY

( BLEEP ).

>> YES!

POINTS!

NEXT ONE, THE SALEM WITCH

TRIALS.

>> DOING WARM-UP AT THE GOODY

PROCTOR TRIAL NEXT WEEK.

TEXT WIMPY-POO FOR TICKET

DISCOUNTS.

>> WITCHY-POO.

>> WITCHY-POO.

>> PATTON OSWALT, POINTS.

>> NICE.

>> I FEEL LEFT OUT.

WYATT, I THOUGHT WE WERE

ROASTING THESE WITCHES BY MAKE

FUN OF THEM.

MAYBE GOT LOST IN TRANSLATION?

#WHOGOTMARSHMALLOWS.

>> POINTS.

THE NEXT ONE, THE INVENTION OF

FIRE.

>> FAKE.

POINTS!

POINTS!

AS WE NOW MOVE ON TO OUR NEXT

GAME, COMEDY CLUB/STRIP CLUB.

COMEDY CLUB/STRIP CLUB.

YELP IS A PHENOMENAL RESOURCE IF

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A LAUGH OR A

SAD OR A GYRATING CRY.

COMEDIAN-- WAIT.

NOT A SAD.

I HAVE A SAD NOW.

COMEDIANS, FOR 250 POINTS,

PLEASE TELL ME IF THE FOLLOWING

LINES FOR ONE-STAR YELP REVIEWS

ARE FOR A CRAPPY COMEDY CLUB OR

CRAPPY STRIP CLUB.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE, "NOBODY,

AND I MEAN NOBODY IN OUR GROUP

URINATED ON THEMSELVES."

>> COMEDY CLUB?

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

THAT WAS, IN FACT, A COMEDY

CLUB.

THE AMERICAN COMEDY CLUB.

THE AMERICAN COMEDY CLUB IS IN

SOOND YAIG, CALIFORNIA.

THE NEXT ONE, THE GIRL WITH THE

JACKED UP TEETH DID NOTHING BUT

COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW SHE DIDN'T

WANT TO BE THERE.

>> STRIP CLUB?

>> YES, THAT'S A STRIP CLUB.

IN LINCOLN PARK.

MICHIGAN.

>> THAT COULD BE SOMEONE'S ACT,

THOUGH.

"I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE."

>> OKAY, HERE'S THE NEXT ONE--

ALSO THERE ARE POLLS THAT GET IN

THE WAY OF YOUR VIEW DEPENDING

ON WHERE YOU SIT.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> THE COMEDY CLUB.

>> THE AMERICAN COMEDY CLUB IN

SAN DIEGO, AGAIN.

>> AGAIN!

WHO BOOKS THAT?

>> IT'S THE AMERICAN COMEDY

CLUB, UNCLE SAM.

>> DON'T APPRECIATE POLISH

PEOPLE GETTING--

>> NO, YOU'RE MISUNDERSTANDING.

>> WHAT YEAR IS IT?

>> YOU'RE MISUNDERSTANDING.

IT'S A POLISH GUY SHE'S GRIEBD

ALABAMA SO I'M GIVING YOU 1,000

POINTS.

FOR THOSE WHO LIVE UNDER A

CATLESS ROCK TODAY IS NATIONAL

CAT DAY WHICH APPARENTLY SOME ON

TWITTER REALIZED IT COMES

EARLIER AND EARLIER EVERY YEAR.

BUT THIS IS THIS WEEK.

I'VE BEEN PLANNING IT FOR WEEKS.

IN HONOR OF NATIONAL CAT DAY,

LET'S PLAY RICH CAT/POOR CAT.

THERE IS A-- YOU CAN ALL HAVE

CHEESEBURGERS.

I'M SORRY.

I HATE MYSELF.

THERE IS NOW A TUMBLR WHERE

PEOPLE POST RIDICULOUS PICTURES

OF CATS SURROUNDED BY MONEY

CALLED CASH CAT BECAUSE PEOPLE

HAVE WAY TOO MUCH FREE TIME AND

OUR ECONOMY IS FLUSH WITH MONEY.

SO I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A

PICTURE AND YOU GUYS HAVE TO

TELL ME IF IT'S FROM CASH CATS

OR SOME OTHER ABSURD THEMED

CATALOG WHERE THEY DON'T HAVE

ANY MONEY.

SAY RICH CAT OR POOR CAT WHEN I

SHOW THE PICTURES.

THIS IS AN ADORABLE GUY.

RICH CAT OR POOR CAT.

>> FAMILY MONEY, RICH CAT.

>> THAT IS A RICH CAT.

CHECK THIS OUT, DAMN!

THAT IS THE M.I.A. OF CATS.

>> NO!

>> I'M SO GLAD I GUESSED RIGHT.

THAT CAT WOULD MURDER ME.

>> WHAT SEASON OF THE WIRE IS

THAT FROM?

>> THAT'S OMAR'S BEST FRIEND.

>> OH, YEAHITIOUS THIS BLACK AND

WHITE PAUL OF FLUFF?

>> POOR CAT.

>> THAT'S FROM CATS THAT LOOK

LIKE HITLER.

KITTLER.

>> KITTLER.

>> ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS

NEXT GUY WITH ONE EYE?

RICH CAT/POOR CAT?

>> RICH.

>> YEAH, DON'T WORRY.

HE'S LODED.

LOOK AT THAT.

AND A GRENADE.

WHAT?

IS THAT ALL FOREIGN MONEY?

OH, MY GOD.

>> HOLD ON, WHAT CAMERA AM I

LOOKING INTO ONE RIGHT NOW.

JUST FILM ME, RIGHT THERE.

YOU'RE FORGIVEN BIN LADEN.

THERE, GO AHEAD.

>> GOOD GOD.

>> THAT CAD CATIS SO EVIL IT

SHOULD BE STROKING ANOTHER

LITTLE WHITE CAT.

>> IT'S LIKE THE JASON BOURNE OF

CATS.

THIS NEXT ONE, THIS HAIRLESS

CAT... RICH CAT/POOR CAT?

>> POOR CAT.

>> THAT IS A POOR CAT.

THAT'S FROM CATS THAT LOOK LIKE

PUTIN.

BAM!

THERE IT IS.

I MEAN, WITH THE TIE-- IF OUR

SHOW WAS ON IN RUSSIA I'D BE

JAILED FOR NINE YEARS FOR THAT.

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS CATS THAT

LOOK LIKE MY CHEESECAKE FACTORY.

LAUGHTER )

>> I HAVE A QUESTION.

DOES THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY

MATCH THE APPLEBEE'S.

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