Full Blown Eggs

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 10/26/2011

Entrepreneurs create recession-proof businesses serving busty diners and partygoers.

- OH, SOUNDS GOOD.- YEAH, IT WAS CALLED "FULL BLOWN MAIDS."

BUT PEOPLEDIDN'T GET IT?

Jaspers: UH NO, THEY DID NOT SIGN UP

FOR ANY MAID SERVICE FROM US.WE WERE REALLY DISAPPOINTED.

WE HAD SOME REALLY GREATLADIES THERE AND, UH--

- HOW'D YOU COME ABOUT THE NAME?- IT WAS A NO-BRAINER OF A NAME.

BOB CAMPBELL RAN TWO SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSES--

BARGAIN BOB'S HARDWARE STORE

AND BARGAIN BOB'S ADULT BOOKSTORE.

STRAPPED FOR CASH, HE'S FORCED TO CONSOLIDATE

HIS TWO ENTERPRISES.

THIS IS BARGAIN BOB'S STORY.

HEY, WELCOME TO BARGAIN BOB'SHARDWARE STORE/ADULT BOOKSTORE.

- HOW CAN I HELP YOU?- I'M LOOKING FOR A STUDFINDER.

OKAY, THAT'S EITHERIN THE HARDWARE STORENEXT TO THE SCREWDRIVERS

OR SWINGING DOORSNEXT TO "SCREW" MAGAZINE.

OKAY.

HEY, BARGAIN BOB'S.HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

BOB, I'M LOOKING FOR A LUBETO RUB ON SOME NUTS.

I'M GONNA NEED MOREINFORMATION THAN THAT.

I'VE GOT THIS TIREAND IT'S RUSTY AND I'MTRYING TO GET THE NUT OFF,

- BUT IT WON'T BUDGE.- GO DOWN TO AISLE 3, WD-40.

- THANKS.- WELCOME TO BARGAIN BOB'S. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

I NEED SOME EARPLUGS.

OKAY, THAT'S AISLE 3IN THE HARDWARE STORE.

- FOR MY BUTT EAR.- SWINGING DOORS.

BARGAIN BOB'S.HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

HEY, YOU GOT A DROPCLOTHTO KEEP LIQUIDS OFF MY CARPET?

THERE'S SOME RIGHT NEXTTO THE PAINT

OR THROUGHTHE SWINGING DOORS.

- HEY, YOU'RE BACK.- YEAH, DO YOU SELL HOW-TO VIDEOS?

- YEAH, OF COURSE. HOW-TO WHAT?- BLOW A --.

- DID YOU JUST SAY BUILD A DECK?- NOPE.

- SWINGING DOORS.- THANKS.

HEY, IT'S THE GUYFROM THE VILLAGE PEOPLE.YOU GUYS GOING BACK ON TOUR?

BUILD SOME STAGES?OR BUILD SOME -- FOR A PARTY?

BUILD SOME BALLSFOR YOUR --? COOL.

- HEY, BOB.- YOU FIND EVERYTHING OKAY?

YEAH, I NEEDA TAINT THINNER.

OOH, TAINT THINNER, UM...

- EITHER DOOR.- OKAY.

BARGAIN BOB'S.HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

HI, YOU GUYS GOT LUMBERAND SOMEONE WHO CANCUT IT FOR ME?

YEAH, OF COURSE.WHAT YOU BUILDING?

A BOX TO KEEPA YOUNG HITCHHIKER IN.

- HOW YOUNG ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?- 17.

- ( hisses )- 18?

THAT'S BETTER.WE'VE GOT A PREPACKAGEDSLAVE BOX.

IT'S GOT A FOOD HOLE.IT'S GOT A LITTLE TINKLE TUBE.

- SWINGING DOORS? ALL RIGHT.- THAT'LL WORK!

I DON'T KNOW WHATYOU CALL IT, BUT MYGIRLFRIEND SHOWED ME HERS.

IT'S LONG, HARD AND BLACK.

IT'S GOT A KNOB ON IT.YOU PUMP IT WITH YOUR HAND

- AND WATER COMES OUT.- ONLY WATER?

- JUST WATER.- THAT'S A MANUAL WATER PUMP.

- AISLE 7 NEXT TO THE GARDEN HOSES.- THANKS.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS ISTHE RIGHT KIND OF STORE,

BUT I WANT TO GRAFFITISOME BABY COFFINS.

- AISLE 14.- THANK YOU.

- IN THE KIDS' SECTION.- HEY, IT'S ME AGAIN.

- WHAT'S UP, PLAYER?- I NEED AN ELECTRIC BLOWER.

- LEAVES OR PENISES?- BOTH.

EITHER DOOR, MAN.

BARGAIN BOB'S.HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

MY NAME IS FRANK FRANKEL.I'M CHAIRMAN OF THE PRESIDENT'SSMALL BUSINESS INITIATIVE.

- AND I LIKE YOUR GO-GETTER SPIRIT.- THANKS, MAN.

YOU GIVE ALL AMERICANS HOPEAND YOU DESERVE TO BERECOGNIZED FOR THAT.

COOL, MAN.WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA GIVE MEA MEDAL OR SOMETHING?

- SOME KIND OF GOVERNMENT GRANT?- NO, I'M HERE LOOKING FOR A DILDO

SHAPED LIKEA SILVER-BACKED APE'S DONG.

RIGHT.WE'RE SOLD OUT.

WE HAVE OTHER APES THOUGH.WE HAVE REGULAR CHIMPS,MONKEYS.

WE HAVE THE PENISESFROM THE BAND THE MONKEES.

- WE HAVE ALL THAT STUFF.- OOOH.

WE HAVE RISE OF THE APES,ONE THAT LITERALLY RISES,LIKE --.

WE HAVE A FAKE VAGINA SKETCHTHIS SEASON.

- VERY EXCITING.- Man: YEAH!

I DON'T PERSONALLYOWN ONE

YET.

BUT NOWTHAT I'VE SEEN 'EM,

IT'S LIKE,"OKAY, I GET IT."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?AND COUPLES USE

LIKE DILDOS AND STUFF.

YOU ALWAYS HEAR ABOUT"COUPLES USE ALL THESE THINGS,"

BUT YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUTCOUPLES USING A FAKE VAGINA.

HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED?

YOU? NO? NOBODY?

YEAH, WHY WOULD YOU? IT'D BE WEIRD IF YOURGIRLFRIEND'S LIKE,

"OH YEAH, USE THISFAKE VAGINA.

OH YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.HOW GREAT IS THAT?"

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH YEAH,THAT FEELS GREAT.

HEY, WHAT DON'T WEJUST USE YOUR -- VAGINA?

WHY ARE WE USING THISWEIRD PLASTIC FLASHLIGHT

THAT'S ON MY --?"

THERE'S NO POINT.

I WONDER IF TWO GAY GUYSEVER USED A FAKEVAGINA TOGETHER.

THAT WOULD BE WEIRD, RIGHT?

THAT WOULDN'TMAKE ANY SENSE.

( chuckles )

( lisps )"SCOTT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

THEY JUST BOTH BARFINTO IT.

( mimics retch )"EW, GET IT AWAY."

SOMEDAY MAYBEI'LL BUY A FAKE VAGINA.

I DON'T THINK SO.

BUT I DO WANT ONEJUST IN CASE SOMEBODY

EVER ASKS MEIF I'VE EVER USED ONE. I DON'T WANT TO SAY NO.

YOU KNOW,WHEN I'M AN OLD MAN,

I JUST WANT TO KNOWTHAT I'VE COVERED THATON MY BUCKET LIST.

JUST LIKE, "FAKE VAGINA?YEAH YEAH, DONE IT.NEXT QUESTION."

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

ANOTHER O.D.LOOKS LIKE COCAINE.

SHE'S GOT COCAINEALL OVER HER BREASTS.

WHO WOULD DOSOMETHING LIKE THIS?

WHO DID SHE COME WITH?DID ANYBODY DROP HER OFF?

HE'S IN THE WAITING ROOM.HE TRIED TO LEAVE.WE STOPPED HIM.

ALL RIGHT.I'M GONNA GOTALK TO HIM.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT TO SAY.

THIS IS THE FOURTH GIRLTHIS WEEK. WHAT DO YOU HAVETO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS?

Computer voice:I think these hoscan't handle their snow.

You ski with me,you brace for a blizzard.

- YOU'RE DISGUSTING.- You know what else is disgusting?

- WHAT?- Your mouth, which doubles as a -- garage

- for every black guy in this hospital.- DAMN IT!

Do you havedoctor-approved roofies?

NO. THERE ISNO SUCH THING.

Do you have catniplaced with angel dust?

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.ENOUGH.

( announcer speaks )

♪ I WANNA DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IT FEELS GOOD

♪ TO BE BAD

♪ I CAN'T REFUSE A LITTLE BREAKIN' THE RULES ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I ALWAYS WANT

♪ WHAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE

♪ DANCE ALL NIGHT ON THE WILD SIDE ♪

♪ IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BAD BAD BAD BAD. ♪

YOU'RE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE.THIS GIRL ALMOST DIED.

I almost diedof embarrassment,

but nobodyseems to care.

Stay high or die.

WOW, THAT'S A REALLYNICE ATTITUDE.

WE ARE DOING EVERYTHINGWE CAN TO KEEP THISOUT OF THE PRESS,

BUT THE POLICE HAVE BEENASKING ABOUT YOU.

Oh no, po-po.

YOU THE GUY THAT DROPPEDOFF THE GIRL?

CUT THE CRAP, CAT.I KNOW YOU CAN TALK.

I am a cat.

OH.KITTY CAT SAY MEOW?

IS THAT WHATKITTY CAT SAY?

Yes. Meow.Purr.

I also say purrwhen I am happy.

HOW DOES KITTY CATLIKE THE SOUND OF JAIL

AND HAVING "PURR-VERTS"INVADE HIS FELINE BEHIND?

HUH? THAT SOUNDSMORE LIKE "ME-OUCH."

You got nothing, pig.Stick to what you do know--

diving on --while taking --.

I'M GONNA GET YOU, CAT.I'M GONNA GET YOU.

EXCUSE ME.WE SEEM TO BE MISSING

SEVERAL SYRINGESAND SOME DRUGS.

WOULD YOU KNOWANYTHING ABOUT THAT?

No, but I have two furrySkittles down here

that could usea tongue bath.

REALLY?WELL, WHAT'S THIS THEN?

HUH? LOOKS LIKEOUR MISSING DRUGS.

Um, that's my litter box.

Kitty say meowwhile make smelly.

I'M GONNA GO GRABTHAT COP.

Don't do that, --.

We've got to bounce.Quick, grab thatdoctor's jacket.

I have an idea.

DOCTOR, DOCTOR,

WE NEED YOUIN SURGERY, STAT!

I've got to makea house call.

I'm goingto your mom's place

to turn her into a semen garage.

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