February 25, 2014 - St. Vincent

  • 02/25/2014

The Huffington Post warns parents about Hitler reincarnate, critics fume over military budget cuts, a lobby fights for paper, and St. Vincent performs "Digital Witness."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT, EVERYBODY!

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: THANK YOU FORJOINING US.

FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW--AND I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT YOU

DO-- YOU KNOW THIS SHOW IS ALLABOUT THE HARD NEWS, AND TONIGHT

THERE IS STREET VIOLENCE IN THEUKRAINE, IN THAILAND, AND

VENEZUELA.

I WILL GET TO ALL OF THOSESTORIES, AS SOON AS I DISCUSS

THIS BREAKING NEWS FROM THEHUFFINGTON POST.

WAS YOUR KID HITLER IN A PASTLIFE?

IT'S THE KIND OF HUFFPO FEATURETHAT LEADS TO THE QUESTION,

"WILL JOURNALISM EXIST IN THEFUTURE LIFE?"

I HAVE NEVER BELIEVED INREINCARNATION.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

MAYBE I WAS A SKEPTIC IN A PASTLIFE.

BUT THIS ARTICLE OFFERSINCONTROVERTIBLE ANECDOTES THAT

YOUR CHILD MAY HAVE HAD A PASTLIFE, SUCH IS THE STORY OF A

SIX-YEAR-OLD BOY WHO WAS ABLE TOTRANSLATE THE WORDS OF ADOLF

HITLER, EVEN THOUGH NONE OF HISRELATIVES KNEW GERMAN.

INCREDIBLE.

EVEN MORE INCREDIBLE THAT HISRELATIVES WHO DIDN'T SPEAK

GERMAN WERE ABLE TO TELL HE WASTRANSLATING CORRECTLY.

LAUGH BUT, FOLKS, JUST BECAUSETHIS KID'S PARENTS BE HE WAS

HITLER IN A PAST LIFE, DOESN'TMEAN YOU SHOULD GIVE UP HOPE FOR

YOUR CHILD.

CONSIDER THIS-- HITLER WAS ANARTIST.

HAS YOUR CHILD EVER COLORED WITHCRAYONS?

( LAUGHTER )DOES HE SOMETIMES HAVE TROUBLE

GETTING ALONG WITH OTHERS?

DOES HE BLAME HIS EARLY BEDTIMEON A GLOBAL JEWISH CONSPIRACY?

IF SO, IF SO-- I WANT TO BECLEAR ABOUT THIS-- IF SO,IM NOT

SAYING YOUR CHILD IS HITLER.

I AM SAYING HE MIGHT HAVE BEENHITLER.

( LAUGHTER )OF COURSE, THERE ARE A LOT OF

PEOPLE YOUR KIDS COULD HAVEBEEN, OTHER THAN THE MOST HATED

MAN OF THE 20th CENTURY.

THE ARTICLE POINTS TO OTHERSIGNS OF REINCARNATION TO LOOK

FOR, SUCH AS ADULT-LIKEBEHAVIOR, NIGHT TERRORS, AND

MORBID DRAWINGS THAT RECALLTHEIR PREVIOUS INCARNATION WITH

REALLY MORBID AND BLOODYDRAWINGS.

FOR INSTANCE, MY CHILDHOODDRAWINGS ARE HOW I LEARNED IN A

PAST LIFE I ONCE DEFEATEDGODZILLA BY SHOOTING FLAMES OUT

OF MY BUTT.

( LAUGHTER )NOW, OF COURSE, YOU MIGHT BE

ASKING, "STEPHEN, IS THERE ANYCHANCE THAT THERE ARE FACTUAL

ERRORS IN THIS ARTICLE ABOUT HOWMY CHILD MIGHT BE A REINCARNATED

GENOCIDAL MANIAC?"YES, GREG.

AND I APPLAUD THE HUFFINGTONPOST FOR HAVING THE JOURNALISTIC

INTEGRITY TO PRINT THISCORRECTION.

"AN EARLIER VERSION OF THISSTORY SPELLED ADOLPH HITLER'S

FIRST NAME AS ADOLF."

PHEW!

SPELLED WITH AN "F."

THANK GOD THEY CLEARED THAT UP.

THERE ARE A LOT OF RELIEVEDPARENTS OUT THERE WHO'VE JUST

LEARNED THEIR KID MIGHT NOT BEADOLF HITLER.

HE MIGHT BE ADOLPH HITLER.SLIGHTLY NICER GUY.

( LAUGHTER )WHICHEVER ADOLF HITLER YOUR

YOUNG CHILD IS, WE HAVE NOCHANCE OF STOPPING HIM NOW,

THANKS TO THE GUTTING OF OURARMED FORCES BY SECRETARY OF

DEFENSE CHUCK "HUSSEIN" HAGEL.

>> NEW CONCERNS ABOUT AMERICA'SMILITARY READINESS.

>> THE ADMINISTRATION DECIDED TOSLASH AMERICA'S MILITARY,

RAISING MAJOR CONCERNS ABOUTU.S. NATIONAL SECURITY.

>> GROWING OUTRAGE OVER THEADMINISTRATION'S PROPOSAL TO CUT

OUR MILITARY TO LEVELS THAT HAVENOT BEEN SEEN SINCE WORLD WAR

II.

>> DEVASTATING CUTS TO OURMILITARY.

COULD THIS MOVE BY THE OBAMAADMINISTRATION NOW PUT YOUR

SECURITY AT RISK?

>> Stephen: NATION, I AMTERRIFIED.

I HOPE THAT BUDGET INCLUDESFUNDING FOR NEW PANTS BECAUSE

MINE JUST HAD A DISHONORABLEDISCHARGE.

( LAUGHTER )HOW IS AMERICA GOING TO DEFEND

ITSELF AFTER THESE CUTS?

I MEAN, WHAT'S LEFT OF OURBUDGET, ANYTHING?

>> IT'S IMPORTANT TO NOTE HERETHAT OUR MILITARY STILL HAS A

BUDGET BIGGER THAN THE NEXT 10MILITARY BUDGETS IN THE WORLD

COMBINED.

>> Stephen: ONLY 10?

( LAUGHTER )BUT WHAT IF WE WANT TO INVADE 11

COUNTRIES?

( LAUGHTER )OF COURSE WE'RE NOWHERE NEAR

THAT CAPACITY NOW, FOLKS BE,BECAUSE THE CUTS IN THIS BUDGET

ARE EXPLICITLY A REJECTION OFTHE PREVIOUS "FIGHT TWO WARS AT

ONCE" DOCTRINE.

HAGEL HAS EVIDENTLY FORGOTTENTHE HARD LESSONS WE LEARNED FROM

FIGHTING TOJO AND YOUR SON.

HEY, HEY, FOLKS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )AND, HEY, I'M ALL IN FAVOR OF A

LOWER BUDGET, BUT ISN'T THERESOMETHING ELSE WE CAN CUT?

>> THIS OUR READINESS ANDNATIONAL SECURITY IS ALL BEING

SACRIFICED IF YOU WILL ON THEALTAR OF ENTITLEMENT.

>> THESE ARE THE KIND OF CUTSYOU HAVE TO MAKE WHEN YOU'RE NOT

WILLING TO REIGN INENTITLEMENTS.

>> WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE AMOUNTOF MONEY WE SPEND ON DEFENSE

VERSUS ENTITLEMENTSIT'S AN EYE-OPENER.

AS YOU CAN SEE, BACK IN 1990--JUST FOR POINT OF REFERENCE,

ABOUT 25 YEARS AGO, $300 BILLIONWAS SPENT ON DEFENSE.

AND ABOUT 568 BILLION WAS SPENTON ENTITLEMENTS.

FAST FORWARD TO 2010.

ABOUT $700 BILLION ON THEDEFENSE OF THIS NATION.

WHILE CLOSE TO TRIL-- 2--HUNDRED-- RATHER, ONE-- THAT'S A

HARD NUMBER TO READ RIGHT THERE.

>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY, ITHINK I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG HERE.

JIM, PUT THE CHART BACK UP.

THE FIRST YEAR SHOULD READ,"1990, NOT 2008.

DEFENSE SPENDING SHOULD BE BLUEAND ENTITLEIMENTS SHOULD BE RED.

AND STEVE DOOCY SHOULD NOT BE ONTELEVISION.

( CHEERS )BOTTOM LINE THE PENTAGON WILL

CUT AS MANY AS 80,000 ACTIVEDUTY TROOPS, ADDING TO AN

ALREADY TERRIBLE UNEMPLOYMENTRATE.

THANKFULLY, CONGRESS IS TAKING ASTAND, AND THAT BRINGS US TO

TONIGHT'S WORD.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

JOBSOLETE.

NATION, THERE ARE THOSE OUTTHERE WHO SAY THE ONLY THING

AMERICA MANUFACTURERS ANY MOREARE EASY CHEEZ AND PEOPLE WHO

THINK THEY'RE ALLERGIC TOGLUTEN.

( LAUGHTER )BUT, FOLKS, THEY ARE WRONG.

WE ALSO MAKE BOMBS.

AND GOOD NEWS, WHILE THE BUDGETCUTS JOBS FOR SOLDIERS, IT

SPARES MOST ARMS MANUFACTURERSWHICH IS WHY YESTERDAY, SHARES

OF LOCKHEED MARTIN, NORTHROPGRUMMAN, GENERAL DYNAMICS, AND

RAYTHEON ALL HIT 52-WEEK HIGHS.

FINALLY, AN ANSWER TO THEQUESTION, "WAR, GOD GOD Y'ALL.

WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

CREATING JOBS IS WHAT IT IS GOODFOR, FOLKS.

CREATING GOOD JOBS AMERICANS CANCOUNT ON NO MATTER HOW HARD THE

MILITARY TRIES TO END THEM.

>> CONGRESS WANTS TO KEEP RUBBERSTAMPING ATTENTION FLEETS.

>> THE U.S. ARMY HAS A MESSAGEFOR CONGRESS-- THANKS BUT NO

TANKS.

>> THE PRICE OVER THE PAST TWOYEARS HAS BEEN ALMOST HALF A

BILLION DOLLARS, BUT THE ARMYSAYS WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE

TANKS.

>> IT KEEPS JOBS INCONGRESSIONAL DISTRICTS WHERE

TANKS SUPPLIERS ARE LOCATED.

>> Stephen: WE HAVE TOPROTECT THE JOBS.

IF THE MILITARY DOESN'T NEED THETANKS WE WILL FIND A JOB FOR

THEM.

JUST LOAD UP THE BASEBALLS ANDGIVE THEM A REAL CHALLENGE

IN THE BATTING CAGE.

IT WILL LET SKILLS HONED GO TOWASTE, WHICH I BELIEVE IS RADIO

SHACK'S BUSINESS MODEL.

THESE TANKS AREN'T THE ONLYINNOVATION FROM THE VITAL

USELESS SECTOR.

THERE'S THE C27-J PLANE.

OHIO SENATORS FOUGHT TO ORDER 21OF THESE $50 MILLION PLANES

BECAUSE 800 JOBS AT MANSFIELDAIR FORCE BASE DEPENDED ON IT.

THEN, THE NEWLY CONSTRUCTEDFLEET WAS SHIPPED DIRECTLY TO AN

ARIZONA BONE YARD.

ARIZONA BONE YARD, BY THE WAY,ALSO THE WAY OF TUCSON'S

PREMIERE RETIREMENT HOME FORSWINGERS.

( LAUGHTER )BUT IT, PERHAPS NO USELESS

PIECE OF MILITARY EQUIPMENT HASDONE MORE FOR THE AMERICAN

WORKER THAN THE F35 FIGHTERJETS.

AT 400 BILLION ITIS THE MOST EXPENSIVE WEAPONS

SYSTEM IN U.S. HISTORY, DESPITEA FEW DRAWBACKS.

>> HEADLINES TELL A STORY OFYEARS OF DELAYS, COST OVERRUNS,

AND PROBLEMS WITH THE JETS.

RIGHT NOW, THEY STILL CAN'T FLYAT NIGHT.

>> Stephen: WHICH IS FINE, ASLONG AS AL QAEDA NEVER STAYS UP

PAST THEIR BEDTIME.

( LAUGHTER )BUT, FOLKS, THE F35 PROGRAM IS

TOO BIG TO KILL BECAUSE ITSUPPORTS 133,000 JOBS IN 45

STATES.

BUT IF USELESS WEAPONS EMPLOY SOMANY AMERICANS, I SAY SHOULDN'T

WE BUILD MORE OBSOLETETECHNOLOGY?

I MEAN, LET'S REOPEN FACTORIESTHAT MANUFACTURE BLUNDERBUSSES

OR CHARIOTS, OR WHAT'S THENAME OF THOSE THINGS ON GAME OF

THRONES THAT BASH OPEN DOORS?

AND WHY AND WHY JUST USELESSTHINGS THAT ALREADY EXIST?

WE CAN CREATE NEW THINGS THATNOBODY WANTS.

I PROPOSE A CUTTING EDGEWEAPONS SYSTEM, THE F-U-435

EMPLOYMINATOR.

( LAUGHTER )IT'S PART TANK, PART JET, PART

AIRCRAFT CARRIER, AND ALL CRAP.

( LAUGHTER )BEST OF ALL-- BEST OF ALL,

FOLKS--( APPLAUSE )

IT COSTS A FORTUNE, AND ITWILL TAKE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS

OF PEOPLE TO BUILD.

BUT IT'S BETTER THAN WASTING ITON SOMETHING FOOLISH LIKE FOOD

STAMPS BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY TOGET AMERICANS BACK TO WORK IS TO

KEEP MAKING THINGS THAT DON'T.

AND THAT'S THE WORD.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, THANKSSO MUCH.

NATION, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,BUT IT SEEMS MORE AND MORE THESE

DAYS IN THIS FAST-PACED DIGITALWORLD, WHERE KIDS ARE

INSTAGRAMMING, IT'S NICE TO KNOWSOME PATRIOTS ARE FIGHTING TO

HOLD ON TO A WAY OF LIFE YOU CANACTUALLY HOLD ON TO.

ONE SUCH GROUP IS CALLEDCONSUMERS FOR PAPER OPTIONS, AND

THEY'VE BEEN DOING MEDIAOUTREACH, POLLING, AND LOBBYING

MEMBERS OF CONGRESS TO MAKE ASIMPLY-- DON'T MOVE AWAY FROM

PAPER SO QUICKLY. YES, WHO DOESN'T WANT TO

PRESERVE THEJOY OF GOVERNMENT PAPER WORK,

THE FEELING OF FULFILLMENT WHEN YOU FILL OUT THE

VS-1723 FOR THE IMPORTATION OFPERSONALLY OWNED PET BIRDS.

OR THE PRIDE THAT COMES WITHFILLING OUT THE FORM TO REPORT

THE THEFT AND LOSS OF EXPLOSIVEMATERIALS.

PERSONALLY, I THINK THE BIRDTOOK THEM.

HE'S FOREIGN AND YET SPEAKSPERFECT ENGLISH.

COME ON, POLLY WANTS SOME C4.

AND THE CONSUMERS FOR PAPER OPGSKNOW THEIR STUFF BECAUSE THEY

WERE SET UP BY THE ENVELOPEMANUFACTURERS ASSOCIATION.

THAT'S THE ENVELOPEMANUFACTURERS ASSOCIATION

PUSHING THE "PUSHING THEENVELOPE" ENVELOPE

SINCE 1933.

( LAUGHTER )SURE, ENVELOPE MANUFACTURERS

MIGHT PROFIT FROM THE GOVERNMENTSEND, LETTERS TO EVERY HUMAN IN

AMERICA.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY'REWRONG, FOLKS.

AND, YET, THE TREASURYDEPARTMENT ESTIMATES THAT BY

SHIFTING FROM PAPER TO DIGITALTHEY WOULD SAVE $1 BILLION OVER

THE NEXT 10 YEARS, BUT THEN WHATARE THEY GOING TO PRINT THOSE $1

BILLION BILLS ON?

PAPER.

WHERE IS YOUR SAVINGS NOW?

AND WHERE DOES THIS PAPERLESSMENACE END?

FIRST THEY TAKE OUR PAPERWORK.

WHAT'S NEXT, OUR LIQUID PAPER?

( LAUGHTER )PRETTY SOON THEY'LL COME FOR OUR

TOILET PAPER, AND I, FOR ONE,DON'T WANT TO USE SOMETHING

DIGITAL TO CLEAN MY ANALOG.

( LAUGHTER )THE POINT IS--

( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

I'M NOT GOING TO SAY THAT DIDN'TDESERVE APPLAUSE BECAUSE IT DID.

( LAUGHTER )THE POINT IS, THERE'S NOTHING

SUSPICIOUS WITH THIS OR THE FACTTHAT MY SHOW IS SPONSORED BY THE

NATIONAL STAMP MOISTENINGSPONGE ASSOCIATION.

STAMP MOISTENING SPONGES FORWHEN YOU DON'T GIVE A SPIT.

AND THIS HAS IN NO WAYINFLUENCED MY OBJECTIVE, ONGOING

SERIES, "SELF-ADHESIVES, THESTAMP OF DEATH."

FOLKS, THE SELF-ADHESIVE STAMPIS A DEATH TRAP.

KIDS MISTAKE ONE FOR A REALSTAMP, LICK IT, THE ADHESIVE

STICKS TO THE TONGUE.

SUDDENLY THE KID IS CHOKING TODEATH ON A FOREVER STAMP.

FOR HIM, FOREVER IS ONLY APRECIOUS FEW SECONDS.

( LAUGHTER )BUT DO YOUR PART TO PRESERVE

TRADITIONAL AMERICA BY JOININGTHE MOVEMENT TO BAN

SELF-ADHESIVE STAMPS.

WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN TODAY.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, JUSTE-MAIL THEM.

IT'S A LOT EASIER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS FROM TEXASBUT LIVES IN BROOKLYN WHICH

MEANS SHE'S ENJOYS BARBECUEIRONICALLY.

PLEASE WENT ST. VINCENT.

HEY, NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

THANKS FOR COMING BACK.

>> MY PLEASURE.

THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT,ST. VINCENT, ANNIE CLARK, RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: DO YOU MIND--WHICH ONE DO YOU MIND-- WHICH

ONE DO YOU WANT?

>> CALL ME ANNIE.

>> Stephen: CAN I CALL YOUVINNY?

>> PLEASE.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE A SINGER,SONGWRITER, GUITAR PLAYER AND

YOU WON THE SMITHSONIAN AMERICANINGENUITY AWARD FOR PERFORMING

ARTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

WHAT DO YOU GET?

WHAT DO-- DO YOU GET TO CUT INLINE AT THE AIR AND SPACE

MUSEUM?

WHAT COMES WITH THAT?

>> YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT WAS ANAWARD THEY GIVE OUT TO I GUESS

THE BRIGHTEST MINDS IN A NUMBEROF DIFFERENT FIELDS, AND I WAS

IN A ROOM FULL OF NOBEL PRIZEWINNERS.

>> Stephen: WOW.

IS THAT WHY YOU HAVE EINSTEIN'SHAIR NOW?

( LAUGHTER )OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

NOW, ST. VINCENT, ST. VINCENTI'M ALWAYS LOOKING CATHOLICS IN

SHOW BUSINESS, ARE YOU CATHOLIC?

>> REFORMED CATHOLIC, MAYBE.

>> Stephen: COME BACK IN THEWATER IS FINE.

ARE YOU FROM A BIG FAMILY.

>> I HAVE FOUR BROTHERS AND FOURSISTERS AND I'M RIGHT IN THE

MIDDLE.

>> TROUBLED CHILD.

HOW FAST YOU CAN NAME THEM?

I HAVE 11 IN MY FAMILY.

>> REALLY YOU WANT TO GO FROMTOP TO BOTTOM.

>> SHOULD WE RACE.

>> Stephen: ONE, TWO, THREE.

JIMMY, AMY, MARY, PAUL, PETER,STEPHEN.

( APPLAUSE )THE ALBUM IS CALLED

"ST. VINCENT.

OF IT'S AN INCREDIBLE ALBUM.

HERE'S THE THING.

YOU'RE SOMETHING OF AN ARTROCKER-- IF YOU DON'T MIND THE

TERM-- CAN I ENJOY YOUR MUSIC ORDO I HAVE TO GET IT?

I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

I DO ENJOY THE MUSIC, BUT IFTHERE'S SOMETHING I'M NOT

GETTING, I WANT TO KNOW IFTHERE'S CLIFF NOTES OR SOMETHING

LIKE THAT.

>> OF COURSE, YEAH, YEAH.

>> Stephen: IS THIS LIKE--ARE THERE CONCEPTS IN HERE OR

CAN I SNAP MY FINGERS AND STILLBE A FAN?

>> I THINK I'VE ALWAYS TRIED TOLIVE AT THE INTERSECTION BETWEEN

ACCESSIBILITY AND LUNATICFRINGE.

>> Stephen: ACCESSIBILITY ANDLUNATIC.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

>> I THINK THERE'S SOMEPLACE INTHE MIDDLE IS WHERE I TRY TO

LIVE AND IT'S THE MOSTINTERESTING TO ME ARTISTICALLY.

>> Stephen: THAT'S THE CORNEROF PAXIL AND PROZAC.

YOU DELVE INTO THE THEMES OFDISCONNECTEDNESS THAT ONE CAN

FEEL DURING THE MODERN DIGITALAGE.

IS THAT AN ACCURATE STATEMENT.

>> I WOULD SAY THERE'S TECHNOSHAMINNISM GOING ON --

>> Stephen: AGAIN, I DON'TKNOW.

I FEEL DUMB NOW.

DO YOU FEEL DISCONDUCTED?

>> WELL I THINK IT'S INTERESTINGBECAUSE WE PERFORM OURSELVES IN

A MYRIAD OF WAYS -->> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN

WE PERFORM OURSELVES?

>> I MEAN, EVERYTHING WE DO ISSORT OF-- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE

WEARING THAT SUIT, AND I OF ANDI HAVE THIS HAIR AND WE'RE SORT

OF COMMUNICATING THINGS ABOUTOURSELVES IN AN ANALOG WAY BUT

NOW HAVE THIS OTHER REALM, WHICHIS THE DIGITAL REALM, TO

RECREATE OURSELVES, CREATE IDEALVERSIONS OF OURSELVES.

>> Stephen: OVER THERE IS ADIGITAL CAMERA SO PEOPLE ARE

GETTING A DIGITAL VERSION OF ME.

ARE YOU SAYING THERE'S A ME IPRESENT TO THE WORLD THAT ISN'T

MY TRUE ME?

>> I WOULD NEVER SUGGEST THAT.

>> Stephen: ANNIE, THANK YOUSO MUCH FOR JOINING ME.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH APERFORMANCE BY "ST. VINCENT."