Tuesday, October 28, 2014

  • 10/28/2014

Bobby Lee, Ari Shaffir and Doug Benson guess which Ebola-themed Halloween costume is the most expensive, list #MillennialMonsters and learn about peculiar bra designs.

>> CHRIS: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, RAPID

REFRESH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

BIG DAY FOR THE N.B.A.

THE 2014 SEASON TIPPED OFFTONIGHT AND MICHAEL JORDAN

FINALLY GOT ON TWITTER -- SORTOF.

JORDAN COMMANDEERED THE OFFICIALACCOUNT OF THE TEAM HE OWNS, THE

CHARLOTTE HORNETS, USING THEHASHTAG #MJTTAKOVER, WHICH

QUICKLY BECAME THE TOP USTWITTER TREND.

AND OF COURSE, THIS BEING THEINTERNET, FANS WERE VERY

RESPECTFUL WITH THEIR#MJTAKEOVER QUESTIONS.

WHICH OF THESE GOT THE MOSTRETWEETS.

A, WHAT SONG WAS PLAYING HEREMICHAEL? #MJTAKEOVER

I'M GOING TO GUESS IT WAS BYTHE BAND TRAIN.

B, HOW MUCH MONEY YOU WON THISNIGHT, SIR?

OH!

♪ IT'S IN THE WAY THAT YOU USEIT ♪♪

( LAUGHTER )

C, WHY ARE YOU STILL MAKINGEVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, YOU MOM

JEANS-WEARING, BITCH. @HORNETS

WHICH ONE OF THOSE?

DOUG BENSON?

>> I THINK I'M GOING TO GO WITH"A" BECAUSE HE'S DANCING TO "I

BELIEVE I CAN BE FLY ♪♪

>> CHRIS: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS"A."

IN FACT -- GOOD JOB. ALL RIGHT.NEXT ONE.

EBOLA HAS BEEN THE TOP TRENDINGTOPIC ON EVERY FORM OF SOCIAL

MEDIA FOR WEEKS NOW, INSPIRINGMILLIONS OF TWEETS AND THOUSANDS

OF SNAPCHAT DICK PICS THATLOOKED LIKE THE VIUS.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS HAS INSPIRED HALLOWEENCOSTUME-SELLERS ACROSS THE

INTERNET TO SHILL INAPPROPRIATECOSTUMES.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWINGEBOLA-THEMED HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE?

"A," EBOLA-PROOF NINJA COSTUME?

"B," SEXY EBOLA CONTAIN AM SUIT?

"C" EBOLA OUTBREAK MASK.

WE WILL FIND HARRY POTTER, LORDVOLDEMORT!

DOUG BENSON?

>> I LIKE "A," BECAUSE HE LOOKSLIKE HE'S GOT ONE OF THOSE

HAPPY-SAD MASKS ON.

AND IT TAKES AWAY HIS BAD-ASSNINJANESS.

>> CHRIS: WELL, THAT WAS A GOODEXPLANATION BUT THE ACTUAL

ANSWER IS IN FACT, "B." THIS ISTHE MOST EXPENSIVE ONE.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THE QUALITY ONTHAT MASK.

THAT ACTUALLY MIGHT PROTECT YOU.FOR BONUS POINTS WHAT IS THE

PICKUP LINE YOU WOULD USE ONSOMEONE WEARING A SEXY EBOLA

COSTUME, BOBBY LEE.

>> WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU MY HEARTMELTED, BUT SO DID MY LUNGS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: GOOD NEWS ON THE CUTEFRONT.

THERE'S NEW CUTE COOUT IN TOWNTHAT WILL MAKE YOUR OLD CUTE

LOOK LIKE SOMEONE VOMITED INGARBAGE.

SO MOVE OVER, LIL BUB!

SUCK IT, DOGE.

HIT THE BRICKS, JENNIFERLAWRENCE!

Y'ALL JUST GOT OUT-CUTED.

THAT SQUEE SOUND YOU HEARDCOLLECTIVELY TODAY WAS THE

ENTIRE COUNTRY LOOKING AT A CUTEPUPPY ON FACEBOOK.

HOW CUTE?

THIS CUTE!

AUDIENCE AWWING

>> CHRIS: HE'S TOO BIG TO FITTHE HARNESS!

THIS LITTLE FELLOW IS TUCO,NAMED AFTER TUCO SALAMONCA FROM

"BREAKING BAD," WHICH ISAWESOME.

( APPLAUSE )

HE'S GOING TO GROW UP TO BE AK-9 COP FOR THE BOSTON POLICE

DEPARTMENT WHICH IS APPROPRIATEBECAUSE THIS DOG IS WICKED

PISSA.

PLEASE GIVE ME THIS PUPPY COPSCATCHPHRASE, BOBBY LEE.

>> LET'S GO SHOOT SOME UNARMEDBLACK CATS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT. I GRANT YOUPOINTS.

DOUG.

>> PUT YOUR HANDS UP, BECAUSEI'M GOING TO LICK YOUR FACE!

>> CHRIS: OH, ADORABLE.

OKAY, POINTS, POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )

THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OF"RAPID REFRESH."

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

WE'RE NOT THERE YET BUTHALLOWEEN IS FRIDAY.

IF YOU WANT TO SCARE KIDS TODAYYOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO COME UP

WITH COSTUMES THAT SPEAK TOTHEM.

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#MILLENIALMONSTERS.

#MILLENIALMONSTERS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE BASIC WITCHES.

OR PINTEREST-HEAD.

OR CREATURE FROM THE BLACKSKINNY JEANS.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60-- THERE'SNOTHING WRONG WITH SKINNY JEANS.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND GO.

ARI.

>> SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS AREBLACKULA.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BOBBY.

>> I TOTES KNOW WHAT YOU DIDLAST SUMMER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> FREDDIE UBER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> WOLF BLITZER.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

BOBBY.

>> SLENDER MAN!

SLENDER MAN!

SLENDER MAN.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

ARI.

>> YODO -- YOU ONLY DIE ONCE,BRO.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> O.M.-GODZILLA.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BOBBY.

>> THE WHINING.

>> CHRIS: OH, GOD! I CAN'T GIVEYOU POINTS FOR THAT.

BOBBY.

>> RESCUE PET CEMETERY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THAT'S END OF "#HASHTAGWARS."

AND NOW, IT'S TIME TO PLAY"AMAZON BOOK FAIR: HALLOWEEN

EDITION."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THE GREAT THING ABOUT EBOOKS ISNOW ANYONE CAN BE AN AUTHOR.

THE BAD THING ABOUT EBOOKS,ANYONE CAN BE AN AUTHOR.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW THECOVER OF A SPOOKY TOME WE FOUND

ON AMAZON AND FOR 250 POINTS IWANT YOU TO GIVE ME THE TITLE OF

A CHAPTER YOU'D EXPECT TO FINDIN THAT BOOK.

FIRST ONE-- GOBLINS LOVE ASS.

YES, ARI?

>> CHAPTER 2-- DON'T WIPE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: THAT'S WHAT HE DOES INHIS FREE TIME WHEN HE'S NOT

WORKING IN GRINGOT'S BANK.

BOBBY LEE.

>> CHAPTER 3-- ASS LOVES GOBLIN.

>> CHRIS: OH, NICE.

( APPLAUSE )

>> IT'S MUTUAL LOVE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> BUT THEN IN THE -- WHATCHAPTER ARE WE ON?

THE FOURTH CHAPTER IS CALLED"BEWARE OF THE BUTT MUNCHKINS."

( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: YEAH. I'M ALMOSTPOSITIVE THAT'S A CHAPTER IN

THIS BOOK.

POINTS FOR YOU, DOUGBENSON.

NEXT ONE, KISSED BY A CLOWN, THEWELCOME TO HELL SERIES.

BOBBY LEE?

>> CHAPTER 8, FINGERED BY AMIME.

>> CHRIS: POINT.

( APPLAUSE )

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL BEINGTRAPPED IN A BOX!

NEXT ONE, TRAPPED IN A BOX TOSEX IN A COFFIN.

OH!

YES, DOUG BENSON.

>> GET THE ( BLEEP ) OUT OFHERE!

( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: BOBBY LEE.

>> CHAPTER 4-- IS THAT RIGORMORTIS OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO

SEE ME.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT ONE -- FANG TANGO, FANGTANGO.

ARI SHAFFIR.

>> WE ( BLEEP ) THE ZOO.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

WHAT'S WITH THE ( BLEEP )KANGAROO.

>> HOW DO YOU HAVE SEX WITH AKANGAROO, THOUGH?

IT'S WEIRD. IT'S LIKE, YOU GOTTAJUMP --

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: NO BOBBY!

YOU FACE THEM AND CLIMB IN THEPOUCH.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME"BIZARRE BRASSIERE."

"BIZARRE BRASSIERE."

LOOKING FOR A SEXY HALLOWEENCOSTUME?

WELL, THE LADIES AND SENSITIVEFELLAS OF PINTEREST HAVE

COLLECTED NEW BRA DESIGNS ASRIDICULOUS AS THEY ARE BARELY-

FUNCTIONAL.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE CHOICE OFTWO WEIRD BRAS PINNED ON

PINTEREST, AND FOR 250 POINTS,YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHICH ONE IS

REAL.

A COCKROACH BRA FOR CUCARACHATO COVER YOUR TA-TAS, OR --

A QUENTIN BRA-RANTINO MADE OUTOF "RESERVOIR DOGS" DVDs?

DOUG BENSON?

>> I WAS EXCITED ABOUT MYANSWER, BUT THEN I HEARD THE

REST OF YOUR EXPLANATION --

AND I'M GOING TO GO WITH QUENTINBRA-RANTINO.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS--

COCKROACH!!

>> DUDE, I IMAGINED A BUNCH OFCOCKROACHES ALL COME TOGETHER.

I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF ONE GIANTCOCKROACH.

>> CHRIS: NO, ONE GIANTCOCKROACH SHOOTS COCKROACHES ALL

OVER-- ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

>> GROSSEST TITTY (BLEEP) EVER!

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE.

A PORK-BELLIED BRA MADE OFUNCOOKED BACON, OR A BRA MADE UP

OF UNUSED RED LOBSTER GIFTCARDS.

ARI SHAFFIR.

>> UNCOOKED BACON BRA.

WITHOUT A DOUBT, IT'S THE MOSTDELICIOUS BRA IN THE WORLD.

>> CHRIS: UNCOOKED BACON?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S FIND OUT.

YES, UNCOOKED BACON!

>> WOW!

NO STRAPS.

NO STRAPS.

( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: THAT WOULD MAKE HERBOOBS A HEALTH HAZARD.

LIKE, YOU CAN'T EAT RAW BACON.

NEXT ONE.

A REAL MOUNTAIN MAN BRA MADEFROM A RUSTY BEAR TRAP, OR --

A PSYCHOPATH STARTER-BRA MADEFORM DECAPITATED DOLL HEADS.

BOBBY.

>> DECAPITATED DOLL HEAD BRA.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT. LET'S FINDOUT.

>> YOU GOT IT!

>> CHRIS: YES! DECAPITATED DOLLHEAD BRA.

( APPLAUSE )

HER LITTLE BROTHER MADE THAT. HECUT ALL THE HEADS OFF --

>> I'M CONCERNED.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BODIES?

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: LAST ONE, A 32-A CLAMSHELL BAR FOR HOUSING YOUR

LITTLE MERMAIDS, OR A STARWARS-BASED BRA WE'RE CALLING

R2-DCUPS.

DOUG DOUG.

>> THE BONER THAT I HAVE ON THISPODIUM RIGHT NOW, WANTS THOSE

R2-DCUPS.>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

>> COME ON! BEE-BOOP-BEEP-BOOOP-BEEP-BEEP-BOOP.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

YES!

POINTS, DOUG BENSON!

>> YOU WOULD DEFINETLY MAKE THATNOISE, TOO, AS YOU WERE GOING

LIKE THIS.

R2, TAKE US TO --

>> CHRIS: I WONDER WHAT'SCOVERING CHEWY DOWN THERE.

YES BOBBY.

>> WHAT HAPPENED TO THE R2-D2BODIES?

WHEREVER THEY ARE, THEY HAVEHALF A LITTLE PERSON IN THEM.

( APPLAUSE )

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT ISBAD HALLOWEEN PRANKS,

BAD HALLOWEEN PRANKS.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS. HALLOWEEN ISCOMING UP, SO HIPSTER GIRLS,

START YOUR SEXY DEVIL PIXIE GIRLCOSTUMES!

IN HONOR OF THE TRICKS INTRICK-OR-TREATING YOU WANT YOU

GUYS TO COME UP WITH AS MANY BADHALLOWEEN PRANK AS YOU CAN THINK

OF.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN!

YES, ARI SHAFFIR.

>> EBOLA COOKIES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BOBBY LEE.

>> ANSWERING THE DOOR WITH ANERECOLLECTION AND SAYING IT'S

FUN SIZE.

( LAUGHTER )>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DOUG. POINTS, BOBBY. DOUG.

>> FLAMING BAG OF ( BLEEP ) ONYOUR OWN PORCH.

>> CHRIS: YES POINTS. THAT'S AVERY BAD PRANK.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? -- DOUGAGAIN.

>> HOMICIDE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BOBBY.

PUTTING APPLES IN YOUR RAZORBLADES.

>> CHRIS: OH, VERY CLEVER.POINTS. THAT'S A SPIN.

ARI.

>> EGGING A HOUSE WITH JENNIFERANISTON'S FROZEN EGGS.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.