Brian Haley & Lewis Black

  • Season 1, Ep 0150
  • 02/24/1992

♪ YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU

♪ I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU,I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ I REALLY DO

♪ BUT YOU KNOW YOU BREAKMY HEART, BREAK MY HEART ♪

♪ AND BABY, I'M DOWNON MY LUCK ♪

♪ AND THAT'S JUST THE ONLY WAYYOU KNOW I'M GOING TO DEAL ♪

♪ DEAL, WITH YOU

♪ BABY, BABY, BABY,I WANT TO HOLD YOU ♪

♪ I WANT TO LOVE YOU

♪ I NEED YOU, BABY, I NEED YOU

♪ BUT YOU KNOW YOU BROKEMY HEART AGAIN ♪

♪ AND I'M SO, SO SAD

♪ BUT YOU KNOW YOU KNOCK MEDOWN TO MY KNEES, BABY ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOW THE ONLY THINGLEFT IS TO BE SO BAD ♪

♪ BA-A-D, BA-A-D,OOH, BABY, BAD. ♪

( cheering )

SOMEBODY...

IS SOMEBODY BRINGING ME OUTMY SOUTHERN COMFORT NOW...

( laughter )

BECAUSE I'VE BEENWORKING SO HARD.

OOH, SO I'M TAKING A LITTLEBREAK WITH YOU TONIGHT

YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

( sarcastic chuckle )

OH, YOU GO AHEAD AND LAUGHBECAUSE MY HEART'S BROKE

AND I'M SO CONFUSED.

THEY PICKED ME UP DOWN IN TEXASWHEN I WAS JUST A SMALL CHILD

BECAUSE THEY KNEW I COULD SING.

AND THEN THEY BROUGHT ME UPTO THE BIG CITY

AND THEY MADE ME A STARAND LOOK AT ME NOW!

THEY WANT ME TO POSEFOR PICTURES.

THEY WANT ME TO BARE MY SOUL.

I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.

I'M GOING TO GET OUT OF THEBUSINESS, I'M GOING TO GO HOME

OR IT'S GOING TO KILL ME.

SO, BUT THERE'SA LOT OF GOOD PERFORMERS

WHO CAN DEAL WITH IT.

THEY'RE THE STRONG ONES.

OH.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW I USED TO BE SO STRONG,SO STRONG, SO STRONG.

AND THEN THEY WANTEDTO DO THE ROSE II.

THEY WANTED BETTE MIDLERTO PLAY MY AGENT OR SOMETHING.

THEY SAID, "YOU'REA NATURAL, SANDRA.

YOU'RE A NATURAL TO DO IT."

AND I SAID I COULDN'T DOTHAT TO BETTE.

I LOVED HER SO MUCH BACK THENWHEN SHE DID THE ROSE.

BUT IF I HAVE TO GETTHAT DOWN ON MY LUCK

I, I JUST LOVE...I GREW UP IN THE THEATER

AND THIS PARTICULAR THEATER,THE MAYFAIR THEATER

HAS A SPECIAL KINDOF THING FOR ME.

BACK IN THE OLD DAYS OF '78,EMO PHILLIPS--

EMO PHILLIPS AND I DID A REVIVALOF EQUU HERE AND IT WAS...

REALLY LIKE IT.

YOU EVER HOLD A DOOR OPENFOR A STRANGER

JUST OUT OF COURTESY,LET THEM WALK THROUGH FIRST?

AND THEY DON'T SAY ANYTHING,LIKE IT'S YOUR FRIGGIN' JOB.

HI, THANK YOU.

SOME PEOPLE EVEN STICKTHEIR HAND ON THE DOOR

LIKE YOUR PLAN WASTO SLAM IT ON THEIR FACE.

YEP, GOT NOTHINGBETTER TO DO TODAY.

HI, HOW'S IT GOING,WELCOME TO J.C. PENNEY'S!

OH, GET UP, OLD WOMAN, YOU CANTAKE A DOOR BETTER THAN THAT.

( laughter )

NO ONE TRUSTS ANYONE ANYMORE.

ALL THE HOTELS WHERE I STAY NOW

THEY ALWAYS HAVE THE TELEVISIONSET BOLTED TO THE DESK.

LIKE THAT'S GOING TO KEEP A GUYFROM TAKING THE TELEVISION SET.

IF YOU'RE THAT DESPERATEYOU'D GET A DESK, TOO.

( laughter )

CAESAR'S PALACE NOW

THEY GOT THE TELEVISION SETSBOLTED DOWN THERE

AND THE ONLY WAY OUT OFTHE HOTEL IS THROUGH THE LOBBY.

REALLY-- SAY THEY DIDN'TBOLT THEM DOWN.

HOW FAR ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ITWITH A GIANT SONY TRINITRON?

( whistling )

( laughter )

HAVE TO MAKE IT PAST THE HOTELSECURITY, RENT-A-COP.

WHERE YOU GOINGWITH THAT TELEVISION?

OH, I CHECKED IN WITH IT.

( laughter )

OKAY.

BOY, YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS

WITH THOSE HOTELSECURITY RENT-A-GUARDS.

THEY'RE A TIGHT FRATERNITY.

YOU DON'T WANT TO CROSS THEM.

I FEEL SORRY FOR THEM--

NOTHING BETTER GOINGIN THEIR LIFE

THAN A HOLSTERWITH NO GUN IN IT.

THEY GIVE THEM A WALKIE-TALKIETO PUT IN THERE

BECAUSE THEY FEELSORRY FOR THEM.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DOWITH A WALKIE-TALKIE?

OH!

COME BACK...

( laughter )

OR I'LL... TELL.

( laughter )

DANG IT, NOBODY EVERDOES WHAT I SAY.

I DON'T EVEN GET TO EAT DONUTS.

ANYWAYS.

WALKIE-TALKIE, THAT'S A PRETTYSILLY NAME FOR AN INVENTION.

WALKIE-TALKIE.

( laughter )

SOME ORIENTAL WOMAN INVENT THIS?

( with accent: )MY NEW INVENTION,I WALKIE WHILE I TALKIE.

WHAT SHOULD I CALLMY NEW INVENTION?

WALKIE-TALKIE.

WE DON'T CALLOTHER PRODUCTS THIS.

CORPORAL AKINS, BRINGTHAT WALKIE-TALKIE OVER HERE.

AND THIS FLOOR'SA MESS, DANG IT.

WHILE YOU'RE OVER HERE,GRAB THE PUSHIE-SUCKIE.

( laughter )

SUCK THIS FLOOR CLEAN.

NEXT TIME YOU'RE INAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT.

SEE HOW FAR YOU CANGET WALKING LIKE THIS.

( laughter )

WHEN YOU FLY THEY ALWAYS MAKEYOU PUT YOUR SEATS FORWARD

BEFORE YOU LAND AND TAKE OFF.

AND I DO IT BECAUSE IT'S MY DUTY.

I DON'T EVEN ASK THEM WHYBECAUSE THAT'S NOT MY JOB.

MY JOB AS I LOOK AT ITIS TO DO WHAT I'M TOLD

TO PUT MY SEAT FORWARD.

NEVER MIND THE FACT THATTWO INCHES OF YOUR SEAT FORWARD

PROBABLY WON'T SAVE YOUR LIFEAT 350 MILES PER HOUR

INTO A GIANT REDWOOD TREE.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

THE POINT IS TO DO WHAT YOU'RETOLD WHEN YOU'RE TOLD.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU NEVER KNOW, IT MAY WORK.

YOU MAY BE FLYING ALONG.

( imitating crash )

( imitating skidding noise )

IT WORKED!

( laughter )

I'M OKAY!

I'M ALIVE!

WHOO! I MADE IT!

I... WHOO.

( laughter )

EVER GET THESENAZI STEWARDESSES

THAT THIS IS THEIRPURPOSE IN LIFE

TO MAKE PEOPLE PUTTHEIR SEATS FORWARD.

SOME OF THESE WOMEN JUST GETWAY TOO BENT OUT OF SHAPE

WHEN IT COMES TIME FOR THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

NOWHERE TO BE FOUNDWHEN YOU NEEDED A DECK OF CARDS

BUT LEAVE YOUR SEATABOUT 3/4 OF AN INCH BACK.

NOW SHE'S PATROLLING UP AND DOWNTHE AISLE LIKE THE THIRD REICH.

( laughter )

( with German accent: )WELL, WE FORGOT TO PUTOUR SEATS FORWARD.

PITY.

SCHNELL!

MACH SCHNELL, SCHWEINEHUND!

SEATING FORWARD.

TO START WITH... WHEN YOU FLY.

OH, BUT THEN YOU'VE GOTTHIS LITTLE SILVER BUTTON HERE

YOU CAN PUSH IF YOU WANT TO RELAX.

( laughter )

OH, YEAH, THAT'S A LOT BETTER.

WHOO! BOY, THERE WE GO.

GEEZ, FOR A MINUTE THERE

I THOUGHT I WASN'T GOING TO BEABLE TO SLEEP THE WHOLE WAY.

I THINK I'M DRIFTING OFF.

SLEEP, WHERE IS THY STING?

GEEZ, IF I JUST HADA MINIATURE PILLOW.

I WONDER IF THEY HAVEANY MINIATURE PILLOWS

ON BOARD THIS FLIGHT?

I PREFERTHOSE MINIATURE PILLOWS.

I'M THE ONLY GUY REQUESTINGTHE MINIATURE PILLOWS.

I LOVE THEM.

( imitating call bell )

HI, STEWARD.

EXCUSE ME.

YEAH, HI.

YES, UM, DO YOU HAPPENTO HAVE ANY PILLOWS

ON BOARD THIS FLIGHT?

NOT THOSE BIG, DOWN,FLUFFY PILLOWS.

NO, NO, NOT THAT KIND.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PILLOWSTHAT ARE ABOUT, OHHH...

JUST ABOUT 1/16 SCALE...

OF A NORMAL.

JUST A TISSUE PAPER PILLOW.

ONE ABOUT BIG ENOUGHFOR A G.I. JOE.

HAVE YOU GOT ONE THAT SIZE?

THANK YOU.

JUST ONE, PLEASE.

OH, AND DO YOU HAVE...

( imitates call bell )

HI...

YES, DO YOU HAVE ANY BLANKETSON THIS FLIGHT?

NOT A BIG BLANKET.

NO, NO,NO, JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING

THAT'S OH, JUSTA PIECE OF FELT ABOUT...

( laughter )

JUST BIG ENOUGH TO USE AS A CAPE

SO I CAN RUN UP AND DOWNTHE AISLES

AND PRETEND I'M SUPERMAN.

THANK YOU, THAT'LL BE ALL.

( imitates call bell )

GOOD-BYE, THANK YOU.

I'D RATHER BE AT A BALL GAME.

THAT'S WHERE I SPENDA LOT OF TIME NOW.

I DON'T CARE WHO'S PLAYINGOR WHO WINS

BECAUSE I GO TO SPORTING EVENTS TO SCREAM.

IT'S THE ONE PLACE ON THE PLANETYOU CAN SHOUT ANYTHING YOU WANT.

YOU CAN BELLOW AT WILL.

YOU CAN SIT THERE GOING...AND NOBODY'LL BOTHER YOU.

I YELL THINGS LIKE,"MY LIFE SUCKS!"

( laughter )

"DAN QUAYLE IS A SCHMUCK!"

"IF I DON'T HAVE SEX SOON,I'M GOING TO EXPLODE!"

( laughter )

PARENTS TURN TO THEIR KIDSAS I LEAVE THE STADIUM

AND GO, "HEY, THEREGOES A GREAT FAN."

LOVELY TO BE IN L.A.

YOU PEOPLE AREOUT OF YOUR MINDS.

( laughter )

WHAT IS IT?

EVERYBODY HERE DRIVES,EVERYBODY DRIVES.

YOUR HEAD CAN BE SPINNING,YOU CAN BE PROJECTILE VOMITING

THEY'LL GIVE YOU A LICENSE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THATYOUR FREEWAYS HAVE STOPLIGHTS?

ISN'T THAT A TIP-OFFTHAT YOU HAVE TOO MANY CARS?

( laughter )

I MEAN, EVERYBODY DRIVES,DRIVES, DRIVES, DRIVES.

AND IF YOU'RE NOT DRIVING,YOU'RE DOING AEROBICS.

IT'S JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP...

DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE,JUMP, JUMP, JUMP

DRIVE, DRIVE, JUMP, JUMP.

AND YOU LIVE ON A FAULT LINE.

THERE CAN BE AN EARTHQUAKE HEREAT ANY MINUTE, ANY MINUTE.

AND WHEN YOU LIVE IN A PLACE

WHERE AN EARTHQUAKE CANTAKE PLACE ANY MINUTE

YOU DON'T DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVEAND YOU DON'T JUMP, JUMP, JUMP.

YOU LAY DOWN...

( laughter )

AND YOU BARELY MOVE EVER.

AND OCCASIONALLY YOU MIGHT SUCKON A CHEERIO FOR NOURISHMENT.

SO OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT WRAPPEDREAL TIGHT EITHER.

( laughter )

( hooting )

BUT I MADE A DECISIONTO LIVE IN NEW YORK

BECAUSE YOU CAN DOANYTHING, ANYTHING

ANYTHING YOU WANT THEREAND STILL APPEAR NORMAL.

YOU GOT TO WAKE UP EARLY TO BEATTHE GUY ON MY CORNER GOING

"LEW, COME HERE,LOOK WHO'S IN MY POCKET.

"IT'S THE PRESIDENTAND HE'S ONLY THIS TALL.

WAIT, HE WENTTO THE BATHROOM IN THERE."

( laughter )

AND THIS GUY RUNS THE LIBRARY.

( laughter )

BUT IF YOU'RE SEEINGA PSYCHIATRIST

YOU'RE WASTING MONEY

BECAUSE ALL YOU GOT TO DOIS GET ON A PLANE TONIGHT

AND GET ON A SUBWAY TOMORROW

AND INEVITABLY YOU'RE GOINGTO BE SEATED NEAR SOMEONE

WHO'S PLAYING WITH HIMSELF

AND SINGING"HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN."

AND I TELL YOU,WHEN I SEE THAT GUY

I FEEL PRETTY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

I THINK, GOSH,I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

I'M ON THE SUBWAY EVERY DAY.

I'M UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE

AND I NEVER THOUGHT OF JUSTPULLING OUT MY BUSKY

AND SINGING A SONG.

I'LL JOIN HIM--

WE'LL BE THE PESKYETTES.

YOU'LL SEE US ON STAR SEARCH.

HERE THEY ARE FROM THE WAIST UP,SINGING "LA BAMBA"--

THE PESKYETTES.

( laughter )

WHOLE COUNTRY.

H. ROSS PEROT?

I THOUGHT IT WAS A STEAK SAUCE.

( cheering and applause )

GEORGE BUSH, MR. ENVIRONMENT?

HERE'S A MAN WHO WENTTO THAT CONFERENCE IN RIO

ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT

CAME OUT AGAINSTTHE ENDANGERED SPECIES ACT.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

WHY WOULD YOU COME OUT AGAINSTSAVING ANIMALS THAT ARE DYING?

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

BECAUSE THEY TASTE GOOD?

( laughter )

OOH, THAT PLATYPUS IS TASTY.

MM-MMM.

LET IT RIDE.

UNBELIEVABLE WHATTHIS GUY HAS SAID.

HE SAID TO PEOPLE, LIKE, THEREASON THE ECONOMY WAS BAD WAS

BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND I

WEREN'T BUYINGENOUGH CARS AND HOUSES.

SO I SENT HIM A LETTER.

I SAID, "SEND ME A CHECK,I'LL BUY ANYTHING."

ABOUT HEALTH INSURANCE

SOMETHING THIS COUNTRY NEEDSDESPERATELY, DESPERATELY.

THERE ARE PACKS OF BABOONSRUNNING AROUND AFRICA

THAT TAKE BETTER CAREOF THEMSELVES THAN WE DO.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HEALTHINSURANCE IS FOR ME?

I'VE GOT BAND-AIDS IN MY CAR.

THE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES SAID

ABOUT HEALTH INSURANCE,"STAY HEALTHY."

( laughter )

I HEARD THAT, MY TEETHTRIED TO REACH AROUND

AND EAT MY OWN BRAIN.

( clapping )

BECAUSE I BELIEVEMY TEETH LOVE ME THAT MUCH.

MY FAVORITE THING HE EVER SAIDWAS A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO

DURING THAT GREATCONFLICT IN IRAQ

DURING A "STATE OFTHE UNION" ADDRESS

THE PRESIDENT OFTHE UNITED STATES

COMING OUT OF NOWHERE,GOING NOWHERE, SAID

"IF YOU HAVE A HAMMER,FIND A NAIL."

( laughter )

I WAS HOME ALONE, I PANICKED.

( laughter )

I GOT A HAMMER, I GOT A NAIL.

I WALKED AROUND MY APARTMENTFOR TWO DAYS

AWAITING FURTHER INSTRUCTION.

WONDER WHERE HE WANTS METO PUT HIS PICTURE?

( laughter )

THEN DURING THAT WAR, HISHEART WENT... REMEMBER?

AND THEN JUST RECENTLYCAME BACK FROM JAPAN

HE HAD THAT VOMIT-THONOVER THERE.

( laughter )

BOTH TIMES THEY TOOK HIMTO THE HOSPITAL

AND BOTH TIMES EVERY HEAD INAMERICA WENT, "OH, MY GOD, DAN."

( cheering )

IF YOU HAVE FRIENDSWHOSE HEADS DIDN'T DO THAT

GRAB THEM NOW AND TWIST THEM.

( laughter )

HOW DO YOU SPELL"VICE PRESIDENT"?

P-O-T-A-T-O-E!

( laughter )

DO WE HAVE TO HAVEA LITERACY TEST NOW

IF YOU WANT TO BEVICE PRESIDENT?

P-O-T-A-T-O-E.

I DON'T ASK MUCHFROM A VICE PRESIDENT

BUT I DO EXPECT 10 CENTSON THE DOLLAR.

( laughter )

AND AS SOON AS THAT HAPPENED--AS SOON AS THAT OCCURRED

SECRET SERVICEMEN SHOULDHAVE SCURRIED ABOUT

THROWN HIM TO THE FLOOR

AND SAID, "THE VICEPRESIDENT'S BEEN SHOT."

THANK YOU.

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