Tuesday, February 3, 2015

  • 02/03/2015

Roy Wood Jr., Sarah Tiana and Jesse Joyce come up with spoilers for the "Frozen" sequel, list #KidLegislation and write brazen headlines for VICE.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

PRAISE THE LORD.

OUR FAVORITEPOSSIBLY-UNHINGEDONLINE PASTOR IS BACK.

THIS HERE IS THE WRONG REVERENDJAMES DAVID MANNING.

AND THE LAST TIME WE FEATUREDTHE MANNING REPORT ON THIS VERY

SHOW, HE WAS, NO JOKE, PREACHINGTHAT THE ADDICTIVE SECRET IN

STARBUCKS LATTES IS QUOTE "SEMENOF SODOMITES."

(AUDICNCE GROANING)

NO -- WELL, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

DO I WANT THAT HOLE MILK OR 1PERCENT HIM.

>> DID HE SWALLOW IT?

>> CHRIS: HE DIDN'T. HE DIDN'TSWALLOW IT.

[LAUGHTER]

HIS LATEST E-SERMON IS AIMED ATTEENS.

COMEDIANS, WHAT DANCERSDANGERS HE'S PREACHING AGAINST?

A, THE SINFUL USE OF HOT TUBJETS FOR MASTURBATION.

B, THE POPULAR FAD OF SLICINGOFF YOUR BOOBIES.

C, THE BLACK MAGIC BUTTSEXUALITYOF HARRY POTTER.

JESSE.

>> I'M GOING WITH B BECAUSE ILIKED HOW POORLY THEY REACTED TO

IT.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

LET'S FIND OUT TOGETHER.

IT'S THE POPULAR FAD OF, NOW --

SO, YOU'RE PROBABLY -- I MEAN,SLICING OFF YOUR BOOBIES IS SUCH

A POPULAR FAD, BUT -- HE'SFOCUSED ON THIS, AND IT'S

IMPORTANT THAT YOU SEE HOW HE'SFRAMING IT.

>> THEY CAN BE LEAD TO HAVEOPERATIONS LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER.

THEY CAN THINK THAT BEST CHOICEFOR THEIR LIFE IS TO CUTOFF

THEIR BREASTS.

>> CHRIS: OKAY. WHAT THEREVEREND IS SAYING IS THAT HE'S

LITEARLLY CONVINCED JUSTINBIEBER IS A WOMAN WHO HAS GONE

THROUGH GENDER REASSIGNMENT.

NOW COMEDIANS, I FORGET.

WHAT PART OF THE BIBLE WARNAGAINST TITY REMOVAL, ROY WOOD

JR.?

>> I THINK THAT'S THE BOOK OFLA-TIT-ICUS.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, I THINK YOUMIGHT BE RIGHT. POITNS.

>> RIGHT? THAT COULD BE IT.FOURTH CHAPTER.

>> CHRIS: IT IS? OKAY. >> FOURTH CHAPTER.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT. TODAYDISNEY RELEASED SEVERAL

PROMOTIONAL STILLS FROM IT'SUPCOMING 7-MINUTE SHORT,

"FROZEN FEVER."

WHICH COULD BE CONTAINED IF MORESNOW PARENTS WOULD VACCINATE

THEIR SNOW BABIES.

VACCINATE YOUR KIDS.

ALL RIGHT.

FROZEN FEVER IS A SEQUEL TOFROZEN THAT WILL PLAY IN

THEATRES BEFORE DISNEY'S LIVEACTION CINDERELLA NEXT MONTH.

NOW, I'M GONNA SPOIL THE FUN BYSPECULATING ON WHAT HAPPENS

IN THESE STILLS.

FOR INSTANCE, THIS IS OLAF. HE'SA NERVOUS WRECK BECAUSE HE'S

JUST FOUND OUT THAT HE MAY HAVEA CHILD WITH A SNOW ANGEL HE MET

IN COLLEGE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO [BLEEP] ASNOWMAN?

[CROWD CHEERING]

SO, THAT'S HOW THIS IS GOING TOWORK.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOME MORESHOTS FROM FROZEN FEVER AND I

WOULD LIKE YOU GUYS TO SPOIL THESCENE.

I MEAN, TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY'RESEEEING AND ALSO MAKE THEM

REGRET THIS HEARD IT.

THIS SEMI CONSCIOUS SISTERSCENE. WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT, SICKOS.

ROY.

ELSA IS BEING AWAKEN BY ANNA --SHE'S ASKING HER WHY IS BILL

COSBY DOWNSTAIRS.

>> CHRIS: NO -- OH, JESUSCHRIST. WELL, MAYBE.

[APPLAUSE]

POINTS. JESSE.

>> ELSA CHECKS IN ON ED SHEERANAFTER HIS CHECKUP WITH DOCTOR

CONRAD MURRAY.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, ALL RIGHT. I'LLGIVE YOU PIONTS.

WHAT ABOUT THIS PRE-GAME PARTY?WHAT ABOUT THIS PRE-GAME PARTY?

[LAUGHTER]

SARAH.

>> THIS IS WHERE WE FOUND OUTIT'S ELSA'S 38TH BIRTHDAY,

AGAIN. I MEAN, LET IT GO. LET.IT. GO.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAGWARS.

ONE OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF RAINNWILSON'S SOUL PANCAKE YOUTUBE

CHANNEL IS PINT-SIZED SENSATIONKID PRESIDENT.

TAKE A LOOK.

>> LOTS OF PEOPLE WANT TOCOMPLAIN ABOUT LIFE.

SAY THINGS "I'M BORED. I CAN'TDO ANYTHING"

>> CHRIS: TODAY, KID PRESIDENTRELEASED HIS FIRST BOOK CALLED

"KID PRESIDENT'S GUIDE TO BEINGAWESOME."

[CROWD CHEERING]

I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.

IN HONOR OF THIS INSPIRINGFUTURE LEADER. TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

IS #KidLegislation.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE DEPORTMONSTERS UNDER THE BED TO MY

SISTER'S ROOM.

OR LIFT THE TRADE EMBARGO WITHCANDY LAND.

OR PAJAMACARE.

THE KIDS WOULD'VE GOTTEN THEWEBSITE UP FASTER.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

JESSE.

>> WAR DECLARED ON BROCCOLI.

>> CHRIS: OH, JESUS. POINTS.

ROY.

>> PUSH BACK 30 MINUTES.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

JESSE.

>> WE NO LONGER TALK TOSTRANGERS OR LIBYA.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ROY.

>> NO MORE PASSWORD-PROTECTEDPORN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS .

JESSE.

>> DURING THE STATE OF THE UNIONEVERYBODY GETS A LITTLE BAG OF

CHEERIOS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> CHRIS: SARAH TIANA.

>> THERE IT GOES.

EVERY THANKSGIVING I PARDONTHAT UNCLE THAT TOUCHED ME.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

ROY.

>> I PROMISE ANOTHER "TOYSTORY" -- FOUR AND FIVE.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

SARAH.

>> BERT CAN MAKE AN HONEST MANOUT OF ERNIE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

SARAH.

>> SUBSIDIES FOR MY DOG BISCUITTHAT WENT TO LIVE ON THAT FARM.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

JESSE.

>> REVOKE LADIES' RIGHTSTO VOTEBECAUSE THEY'RE GROSS.

NOW GUYS, I WANT YOU TOCLEAR YOUR HEAD BECAUSE WE'RE

GOING TO DO SOMETHING VERY FUNAND SPECIAL.

THIS GAME IS CALLED SILVERLININGS QUAID BOOK.

SILVER LININGS QUAID BOOK.

[CROWD CHEERING]

>> THAT'S A GREAT NAME.>> GREAT NAME.

>> CHRIS: TODAY BROUGHT US AVIDEO FROM AMERICAN FUGITIVE AND

BELOVED ACTOR RANDY QUAID.

THIS VIDEO WAS PULLED FROMYOUTUBE FOR REASONS YOU'LL SOON

DISCOVER.

BUT THANKS TO UPROXX, WE CANWATCH IT FOREVER.

I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THISMOMENT BECAUSE YOU WILL DEFINE

LIFE INTO TWO SECTIONS: BEFOREYOU SAW THIS VIDEO AND THEN

AFTER.

AND YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TOREMEMBER A TIME BEFORE.

SO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IPRESENT TO YOU MR. RANDY QUAID.

>> HI, I'M RANDY QUAID AND THISIS MY WIFE EVI.

I HELPED MEDIA GIANTS NEWS CORPAND WARNER BROTHERS

ENTERTAINMENT EARN WELL OVER ABILLION DOLLARS FOR THE FILMS

"INDEPENDENCE DAY" AND"CHRISTMAS VACATION."

>> CHRIS: WELL, THEY SEEM GREAT.RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

WHO HASN'T SHOT A VIDEO IN THEMOTEL ROOM DIMLY LIT BY THE GLOW

OF AN iMAX SCREEN WHILE YOURWIFE SITS PATIENTLY ON THE BED

WAITING FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE THE LAIR OF ADIVORCED BOND VILLAIN.

>> WHEN DID HOTELS GET MAPS?

>> CHRIS: OH, OKAY --

I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT THAT. IHAVE A THEORY ABOUT THAT.

I THINK THIS IS THEIR TRAVELINGMAP OF ALL THE PLACES THEY'RE

NOT ALLOWED TO GO ANYMORE.

THEY JSUT HAVE TO PUT PINS INTHEM.

COMEDIANS, YOUR JOB IS TODO YOUR BEST TO SAY SOMETHING

POSITIVE ABOUT THIS INTERNETVIDEO.

LET'S START WITH THIS CLIP, ROY.

>> I MEAN, THEY GOT BOOKS, SOTHEY READ?

>> CHRIS: THEY DO. THERE'S ASTACK OF BOOKS THERE.

>> YOU GOTTA BE INFORMED, CHRIS.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, YEAH.

JESSE.

>> THEY HAVEN'T SET FIRE TO THATHOTEL YET.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, THERE'SSOMETHING NICE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT IS A FULLYUNBURNED HOTEL ROOM.

>> YOU KNOW HOW STOCKHOLMSYNDROME WORKS.

>> CHRIS: LET'S GET QUAIDSIER.

>> FOR GOOD MEASURE, WARNERBROTHERS HAD MY WIFE AND I

FALSELY ARRESTED SIX TIMES BYTMZ.

NO, FOR REAL.

>> CHRIS: HE ANTICIPATED ALLOF US GOING "THEY WHAT?"

I KNEW HARVEY LEVIN WAS A LAWYERBUT NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME HE'S

LAW AND ORDER.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS AND QUICKLYDETERIORATING SO LET'S NOW --

>> THAT'S REALLY HOW IT WORKS.

HASHTAG #PMC.

POLICE MEDIA CORRUPTION. BUM!

>> CHRIS: NOW I FEEL LIKE THATIS A MATING CALL TO OTHER BUMS.

WHERE YOU JUST SAY THE WORD BUM.

BUM.

"I'M NEEDED SOMEWHERE." AND THENTHEY --

>> I FEEL LIKE THE OTHER PEOPLEIN THIS HOTEL CALLED THE FRONT

DESK WHEN THAT ROOM STOPSSCREAMING.

(TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)

>> CHRIS: NOW, I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT PMC MEANT BEFORE.

HERE IT MEANS POLICE MEDIACORRUPTION.

BUT COMEDIANS WHAT'S THEPOSITIVE MEANING PMC COULD HAVE.

ROY.

>> PROBABLY CARRYING METH.

[APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: HERE, YOU SHOULD SAYTHAT AGAIN BUT SWITCH THE M WORD

BECAUSE IT'S PMC.

>> NO. IF YOU ON METH, YOUWOULDN'T EVEN SAY IT RIGHT.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

THAT'S FAIR. THAT'S ALL INEEDED.

[CROWD CHEERING]

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT RANDYQUAID IS MARRIED AND I'M NOT.

>> LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXTIN THIS ALTERNATE VACATION

MOVIE.

>> THIS IS THE VERY SAME SHIRTTHAT I WORE IN ID4 WHEN I SAVED

THE WORLD.

ANOTHER ACT THAT RUPERT MURDOCKSTILL HASN'T THANKED ME FOR.

>> CHRIS: SO CLEARLY HE FEELSLIKE HE SAVED THE ACTUAL WORLD.

>> THAT IS THE FIRST HAWAIIANSTRAIGHTJACKET I HAVE EVER SEEN.

THAT IS AMAZING.

[APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: JESSE.

>> THIS IS THE UNDERWEAR I WASWEARING WHEN I CLEANED OUT THE

[BLEEP].

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, THOSEAREN'T REAL THINGS YOU DID.

>> CHRIS: RIGHT, RIGHT.

NOW AS WE CHECK BACK WITH RANDYQUAID ONE LAST TIME.

I'M SURE THEY'RE UP TO SOMEGOOD-NATURED FUN WITH A RUPERT

MURDOCK MASK.

>> MAYBE HE'LL THANK YOU FORTHIS.

I'M BAAAAAACK.

>> CHRIS: I WILL TITLE THISVIDEO FULL-BLOWN QUAIDS.

FOR BONUS POINTS, I WOULD LIKEYOU GUYS TO TELL ME OF AN EVEN

HOTTER COUPLE YOU'S LIKE TOACCIDENTALLY SEE GET IT ON OTHER

THAN RANDY AND RUPERT.

SARAH TIANA.

>> I'M REALLY HOPING THAT NEILPATRICK HARRIS CAN FINALLY FIND

A NICE LADY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOU AVIDEO OF AN IRISHMAN TRYING TO

BEAT THE [BLEEP] OUT OF THELIGHT POST.

AND I ASKED YOU TO GET READYFOR THE BIG FIGHT.

SO LET'S GET READY TO GET IT ON.

(BELL DINGS)

>> CHRIS: ROY, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> HE'S TRAINED WITH SOME OF THEGREATS.

JIMMY NO-THEETH, MICKEYMETH-LAB.

LOOK AT THOSE HANDS.

PUBLIC URINATION. PUBLICDEFICATION.

WE SEE NOW WHY HE'S A STEPABOVE THE REST.

>> CHRIS: WELL DONE. YOU MIGHTHAVE ANOTHER CAREER AS A RING

ANNOUNCER.

SARAH.

ALL RIGHT.

HE DRINKS LIKE A BUTTERFLY ANDSINGS WHEN HE PEES.

THAT LIGHT POST IS GOING TO TAKEMORE HITS THAN LEONARDO

DICAPRIO'S HOTEL ROOM AT THEWORLD CUP.

PLEASE WELCOME JAMISON VANDERY.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT. GOOD.

JESSE.

>> ON THE STREET CORNER, WITH ABLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL OF 2.75 AND

A RECORD OF 7 ARRESTS FORPUBLIC MASTURBATION, WEARING

THE PISS-STAINED KAHKI'S, ALLTHE WAY FROM RANDY QUAID'S HOTEL

ROOM, IT'S THE BABBLINGBAT-(BLEEP) BRAWLER, GARY

BUSEY'S BATH SALT DEALER!

[CROWD CHEERING]

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,WHAT'S YOUR VICE?

WHAT'S YOUR VICE?

VICE IS AN AWARD-WINNING MEDIAORGANIZATION THAT DOES HARD-

HITTING STORIES ON PROVACATIVEART, CULTURE AND NEWS.

THEY ALSO FREQUENTLY GET THEIRWRITERS TO PARTAKE IN BIZARRE

SOCIAL EXPERIMENTS, RESULTING INA WEBSITE FULL OF ATTENTION-

GRABBING HEADLINES LIKE "MYSHORT-LIVED CAREER AS A TEENAGE

FEMALE WRESTLER" AND "GEORGELOPEZ GAVE ME A MAKE OVER."

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO COME UPWITH AS MANY FAKE VICE HEADLINES

AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND GO.

JESSE.

>> I LIVED IN ITALY FOR SIXWEEKS AND NOW MY DICK PULLS

ITSELF OUT IN PUBLIC.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. ROY.

>> I WATCHED YOU SLEEP LASTNIGHT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. SARH.

>> I WAS A CHILD BRIDE AT 83.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JESSE.

>> I USED TO [BLEEP] WITHRACCOONS A LOT AND THAT'S HOW I

LOST THIS EYE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

JESSE.

>> I PERFORMED A DOUBLEMASECTOMY ON JUSTIN BIEBER AND

THEN HAD A TALL SEMEN SODOMITELATTE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.