Extended - Thursday, October 9, 2014 - Uncensored

  • 10/09/2014

Grace Helbig, Henry Zebrowski and Matt Mira learn about a flaw in "NBA 2K15," list #CheeseSongs and come up with Gerard Depardieu stories in this extended, uncensored episode.

>> CHRIS HARDWICK: IT'S 11:59AND 59 SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED ON MASHABLE TODAY.

LITTLE KNOW FACT-- IN CANADA,IT'S CONSIDERED PROPER ETIQUETTE

TO SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM ONICE SKATES WITH A TUX AND A

FLOWING MULLET LIKE THIS HOSER.

BUT YOU DON'T TREND FROM ASIMPLE "JOB WELL DONE THERE".

LET'S SEE WHAT THIS DUDLEY DOESWRONG, EH?

>> ♪ O CANADA!

OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND... ♪(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)

♪ O CANADA... >> HARDWICK: YEAH.

AT LEAST HE LIVES IN A COUNTRYWITH FREE HEALTHCARE.

(LAUGHTER)AND, UNFORTUNATELY, NOT FREE

HAIRCUTS.

I WAS TRYING TO...

I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS.

HE MIGHT BE FAMOUS IN CANADA.

A COUPLE NAMES POP TO MIND.

UH, KRISTI YAMADOUCHEY, UH...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)FANCY KERRIGAN WAS ONE.

UM... GORDY HOW-ABOUTYOU-WATCH-WHERE-THE-FUCK

YOU'RE-GOING WAS ANOTHER ONE,BUT, UH, I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHO THIS IS?

CAN YOU, UH... CAN YOU NAME THISGUY? GRACE HELBIG.

>> GUY-THAT-SHOULD-WEARA-HAT-TRICK.

>> HARDWICK: NICE.

(LAUGHTER)HENRY ZEBROWSKI.

>> THAT'S THE GOALIE FROM THEMIGHTY SUCKS.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. PERFECT.

YEAH.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING)(APPLAUSE)

AND I VAGUELY RESEMBLE EMILIOESTEVEZ, SO THAT ACTUALLY WORKS

PRETTY WELL.

>> YEAH. NICE PRONUNCIATION.

>> YEAH, GOOD SPANISH.

>> YEAH, I AGREE.

>> HARDWICK: GRACIAS.

>> THIS SHOW IS SO CULTURAL.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: NOW I'M GONNA PISS

YOU OFF WHEN I APPLY THE SPANISHPRONUNCIATION TO YOUR LAST NAME,

MATT MIRA.

>> AAH. IT'S MATEO.

(LAUGHTER)AND THIS GUY IS KNOWN THROUGHOUT

THE PROVINCE AS SASKATOON'S MOSTGRACEFUL MAN.

>> HARDWICK: YES!

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINE, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)WE'RE STARTING.

GRAB YOUR LECTERNS.

LAST WEEK, WE BROUGHT YOU THENEWS OF BENGATE, WHICH MAY OR

MAY NOT HAVE BEEN REAL.

AND THE IPHONE 6 CONTROVERSIESKEEP ON A-COMING, 'CAUSE NOW,

GUYS, WE'RE EMBROILED INHAIRGATE.

APPARENTLY, THE CASING ON THEGODDAMN NEW IPHONE IS RIPPING

GODDAMN HAIRS FROM THE GODDAMNFACES OF THEIR GODDAMN USERS.

THIS IS VERY BAD FOR MEN, BUTCONVENIENT FOR LADIES WHO ARE

GETTING READY FOR THAT BIG DATE.

(LAUGHTER)WHICH OF THESE HAIRGATE MEMES

GOT THE MOST LIKES ON ITSRESPECTIVE WEB SITE?

A: THIS SHAVING GENT FROMTWITTER.

(LAUGHTER)COULDN'T BE ANY WORSE THAN AN

ELECTRIC RAZOR TO SMEAR ALL THATOFF THAT DELIGHTFULLY BOYISH

FACE.

B: THIS ♪ FOXY LADY , ALSO FROMTWITTER.

(LAUGHTER)THAT BEATS, UH, GETTING WAXED BY

A UKRAINIAN LADY, I GUESS.

I DON'T KNOW.

OR THE, UH...

>> YOU KNOW, WHAT'S FUN ABOUTTHAT IS, THEY, UH, ACTUALLY COST

LESS THAN THE GILLETTE RAZORS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: WELL DONE.

100 POINTS, MATT.

CAN'T BE ANY WORSE THAN, LIKE,AN EPILADY, RIGHT?

>> ARE YOU ASKING ME?

>> HARDWICK: I GUESS.

>> OH, NO. YOU CAN BRAID MY LEGHAIRS.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUTTHAT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, GOOD.

OR C: THIS STEVE CARELL REMIXFROM INSTAGRAM.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(BELL DINGS)MATT MIRA.

>> UH, I'M GONNA GO WITH "A",'CAUSE HE'S THE MOST HANDSOME.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: UH, LET'S FIND OUT.

C.

(GROANING)>> OH!

>> HARDWICK: IT WAS CARELL.

>> THAT'S A REAL PROBLEM,THOUGH, IF YOU LEAVE YOUR IPHONE

ON YOUR CHEST IF YOU'RE AHIRSUTE MAN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. IT'LL BURN...

>> YEAH, IT BURNS RIGHT THROUGH.

YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: IT'LL BURN THATRIGHT INTO YOUR CHEST HAIR.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: ALLEGEDLY. UH...

>> YOU SHOULD SEE MY THIGHS.

>> HARDWICK: I...

(LAUGHTER)ARE-ARE YOU OFFERING?

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> NO, WAIT.

>> HARDWICK: WHY WERE YOU GOINGDOWN?

>> WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

WERE YOU USING THE FORCE TO GETHIS PANTS OFF?

>> HARDWICK: I WAS USING THEFORCE TO GET HIS PANTS OFF.

>> YEAH.

>> WHAT WAS THAT?

>> HARDWICK: I WAS USING THEFORCE...

>> AND I FELT THE FORCEFINGERS...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> ...ON THE FLY OF MY PANTS.

>> HARDWICK: I WAS FORCEFINGER-BANGING HENRY FROM ACROSS

THE STUDIO, OKAY?

>> THAT'S FINE, OKAY.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)THAT MAKES SENSE.

IT'S A GOOD SHOW.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, BUT,IRONICALLY, THE FORCE WAS

CONSENSUAL.

(LAUGHTER)>> I FEEL SAFE.

>> GOOD TO KNOW.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, UH, SO,THIS IS THE PATTERN I THINK

WE'RE SEEING WITH THE IPHONE 6.

OKAY, THE IPHONE BENDS WHEN IT'SIN SKINNY JEANS, IT RIPS OUT

BEARDS AND RANDOMLY DOWNLOADS U2ALBUMS YOU DIDN'T ASK FOR.

SO IT SEEMS LIKE THE IPHONE ISREALLY JUST TRYING TO PISS OFF

HIPSTERS.

(LAUGHTER)FOR SOME REASON.

THE VERY CROWD THAT ADORES IT.

SO, IF THIS IS TRUE, WHAT OTHERANTI-HIPSTER PROBLEMS DOES THE

IPHONE HAVE, GRACE HELBIG?

>> SIRI LET'S YOU KNOW THAT HERREAL NAME IS SUSAN.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)UH, MATT MIRA.

>> UH, EVERY TIME YOU TYPE"MUMFORD & SONS", IT

AUTO-CORRECTS TO "MUMFORD &SUCKS".

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. OH, OH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> I LIKE... I LIKE...

>> HARDWICK: I'LL GIVE YOUPOINTS.

>> I LIKE SAYING THAT, DRESSEDEXACTLY LIKE THEM.

(LAUGHTER)>> BUT YOU HAVE SHOES ON.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> WHICH IS NICE.

>> HARDWICK: WE MOVE NOW TO THEWORLD OF PIXELATED FREAKS.

THE NEW FACE-SCAN FEATURE ON THENBA 2K15 VIDEO GAME LETS USERS

CREATE A CUSTOM BASKETBALLPLAYER WITH THEIR OWN FACE, LIKE

THIS GENTLEMAN HERE.

HUH, THAT LOOKS GOOD ENOUGH.

LOOK AT THAT.

>> THAT'S SO CUTE.

>> HARDWICK: A PERFECT LIKENESS.

YEAH, IT LOOKS GREAT, BUT...

AS WE LEARN ON UPROXX TODAY, IFYOU DON'T DO THE FACIAL SCAN

JUST RIGHT...

YOUR PLAYER COMES OUT TWISTEDBY THE HANDS OF HELL.

LIKE THIS ABOMINATION.

WHAT?!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)>> YOW!

YOW!

>> HARDWICK: BEHOLD!

BEHOLD THE NIGHTMARISHAPPARITION.

>> HE IS SO GOOD IN GOONIES.

(LAUGHTER)>> HE'S GOT... HE'S GOT LIKE

REALLY BEAUTIFUL LIPS.

>> HARDWICK: AND THE ROAD WARRIOR.

OR THIS SIDESHOW FREAK.

OH, LOOK AT MY TINY FACE.

(LAUGHTER)I GOT A TINY FACE AND A LITTLE

FACE SHADOW DOWN HERE.

>> I FEEL SAD FOR THAT ONE.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: NO, ACTUALLY...

>> THAT WAS THE ORIGINAL DRAFTFOR TWO-FACE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I THINK THIS IS A

STORY OF VICTORY.

I THINK THIS WAS AN UNDEVELOPEDTWIN WHO OVERCAME THE BIGGER

TWIN.

(LAUGHTER)(MATT LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING): WHY DID THAT...

WHY DID THAT BREAK YOU?

>> I JUST LOVE THE CONSTANTSTRUGGLE AT NIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: MY FACE.

>> NOW, JEFFREY.

MY TIME IS NOW, JEFFREY.

>> HARDWICK: OR HOW ABOUT, UH,HOW ABOUT THIS POOR BURN VICTIM.

OH, NO.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)(MATT LAUGHS)

I AM GROOT.

(APPLAUSE)OR... THIS...

THIS STRAIGHT-UP NIGHTMARE.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)>> JESUS.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S HORRIFYING.

I MEAN, I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINEWHERE THAT'D COME FROM.

I WANT TO SEE WHAT THIS GUYACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE.

OH, OKAY.

I GUESS THAT ONE IS PRETTYACCURATE.

(APPLAUSE)GUESS THAT GUY HELD STILL.

>> CHEWING GUM IS HARD FOR HIM.

>> HARDWICK: ABSOLUTELY HARDER.

COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME THE...

>> WHAT IS HE DOING IN THATPICTURE?

DID YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING TOHIS LEFT?

>> HARDWICK: HE'S, UH...

>> THERE'S SOMETHING, LIKE,REALLY PROVOCATIVE ABOUT THIS.

>> HARDWICK: HE'S HITTING ON ALADY.

>> YEAH.

LIKE, IF I SAW THAT ON TINDER...

>> HARDWICK: HEY.

HEY, YOU, UH... GUY BREATHES OUTWITH HIS MOUTH CLOSED.

>> YEAH, LIKE ANY TIME WE WENTTO THE MOVIES, HE COULD JUST

WATCH THE MOVIE AND TALK TO MEAT THE SAME TIME.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: PLEASE GIVE ME THE

SCOUTING REPORT ON THIS PLAYER.

GRACE HELBIG.

>> UH, HE REALLY TAKES IT TOTHE HOUSE.

YOU, TO HIS HOUSE, TO MURDERYOU.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S ABASKETBALL TERM.

TAKES YOU TO THE HOUSE.

EH, LET'S SAY IT IS.

HENRY.

>> HE LOVES JESUS, HIS MAMA ANDCLAXOR THE FORBIDDEN ONE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

CLAXOR.

MATT.

>> WELL, CHRIS, THIS GUY EATS UPANYTHING IN THE PAINT, AND WE

MEAN ANYTHING.

LITERALLY, THIS GUY KILLED FOURGUYS ON THE PRACTICE SQUAD.

DO NOT DRAFT HIM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)WE MOVE NOW TO THE WORLD OF BALD

GERMAN YOUTUBE CELEBS,SPECIFICALLY THIS GUY, THE

GUTTURALLY NAMED JOERG SPRAVE.

>> JOERG!

SORRY, I'VE GOT SOMETHING STUCKIN MY THROAT.

MY NAME IS (GUTTURAL SOUNDS).

>> HARDWICK: ACTUALLY, I POSITEDTHAT JOERG SPRAVE SOUNDS LIKE

ONOMATOPOEIA FOR GETTING A BONERAND IMMEDIATELY EJACULATING.

(LAUGHTER)JOERG... SPRAVE.

>> OH... JOERG.

>> HARDWICK: JOERG SPRAVE.

>> BY THE WAY, THAT T-SHIRT ISEXACTLY WHAT JOERG SPRAVE WOULD

WEAR.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I SEE YOU'RE

LOOKING INTO MY ANGEL OF DEATHSHIRT.

IT WILL BE THE LAST THING YOUSEE.

>> I'VE MURDERED 117.1 PEOPLE.

LOOK AT MY METER.

>> HARDWICK: PERHAPS YOU SAW MYDAMAGED FACE ON NBA 2K15.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> I HAVE RECENTLY TAKEN OVER MY

TWIN JEFF.

>> HARDWICK: I COULD NOT HELPBUT NOTICE YOU HAVE EMPTY PUSSY

AT THE MOMENT.

(LAUGHTER)(HENRY AND MATT LAUGHING)

>> SCREWS ON A BIG METAL DICK.

(LAUGHTER)>> THAT'S-THAT'S...

>> HARDWICK: JOERG! JOERG!

JOERG!

(APPLAUSE)WELL, COMEDY CENTRAL WOULD LIKE

TO ANNOUNCE THE ADDITION OF@JOERGSPRAVE, THE NEW LATE-NIGHT

SHOW THAT JUST TALKS ABOUT THISGUY.

NOW AS PART OF THE HUNDRED WAYSNOT TO USE A CONDOM CAMPAIGN

FOR SAFE SEX, WHAT ALTERNATIVECONDOM USE DID JOERG SPRAVE

DEMONSTRATE?

(BELL DINGS)HENRY?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY "C" BECAUSETHAT'S THE EXACT SHIRT THAT HE

WAS WEARING.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: GODDAMN IT.

OH, YOUR ANSWER'S SO GOOD, BUTTHE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY

"A", HOW OT TRANSFORM A CONDOMINTO A DEADLY WEAPON.

>> OF COURSE IT IS.

(LAUGHTER)JOERG.

>> CLASSIC JOERG.

>> CLASSIC JOERG.

>> HARDWICK: CLASSIC JOERG.

WELL, HE'S NOT USING THEM FORFUCKING, WE KNOW THAT.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)BUT HERE'S... HERE'S THAT IN

ACTION.

>> SO SIX CONDOMS AND A 50MILLIMETER STEEL BALL VERSUS A

CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> THE WINNER?

THE CONDOMS.

(LAUGHTER)>> LIKE...

>> DID HE MEAN TO SAY "THEWEINER"?

>> HARDWICK: ACTUALLY, I THINKHE MEANT TO SAY, WOW, TALK ABOUT

SHOOTING YOUR LOAD.

(MUSIC PLAYS)>> CHRIS HARDWICK.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> YOU'VE JUST DONE THE ONEMILLIONTH PENIS JOKE IN

@MIDNIGHT HISTORY.

CONGRATULATIONS!

>> HARDWICK: OH, I KNEW THIS DAYWOULD COME.

OH, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU.

OH.

(APPLAUSE)THIS IS SO... EXCITING.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)SO MANY... SO MANY PEOPLE TO

THANK.

I JUST, I WANT TO SAY TOEVERYONE OUT THERE WHO THINKS

YOU CAN'T DO IT, JUST FOLLOWYOUR WET DREAMS AND KEEP YOUR

EYES ON THE PRIZE BETWEEN YOURTHIGHS.

THIS IS SUCH...

OH, THERE'S THE MUSIC.

I'VE GOT TO... OKAY.

OKAY, DAKOTA, I HOPE YOU'RE NOTSTILL UP RIGHT NOW.

DADDY'S COMING HOME LATER.

OKAY. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)THANK YOU.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)ONE OF TODAY'S LESSER KNOWN

HOLIDAYS IS MOLDY CHEESE DAYBECAUSE THAT'S SOMETHING WORTH

CELEBRATING, SO TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS CHEESE SONGS.

EXAMPLES WOULD BE FETA OFFWITHOUT YOU OR GOUDA

VIBRATIONS OR MONTEREY JACKFLASH.

I'M WEARING A DICK SASH.

(LAUGHTER)I'M ALSO GOING TO PUT 60

SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, STARTINGNOW. GO.

(BELL DINGS)GRACE HELBIG?

>> BRIE BIRD.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)HENRY?

>> IN-A-GOUDA-DA-VIDA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)>> MIRA?

>> WHILE MY GRUYÈRE GENTLYWEEPS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)GRACE.

>> RICOTTA GET OUT OF THISPLACE.

>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD.

POINTS.

MATT.

>> CRASH INTO BRIE?

>> HARDWICK: OH! POINTS!

POINTS!

(APPLAUSE)WELL PLAYED.

GRACE.

>> ONE IS THE PROVOLONLIESTNUMBER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

GRACE.

>> CURD LINES.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MATT.

>> SGT. PEPPER JACK'SPROVOLONELEY HAVARTI'S CLUB

BAND.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

YEAH.

(BELL DINGS)HENRY.

>> UH, ♪ CAN'T FIND NO FETAMINE. ♪

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, YES.

(BUZZING)POINTS.

PERFECT.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY NONONONONO/YESYESYESYESYES.

REDDIT HAS MANY SUBREDDITS FORGIFS.

YEAH, "GIFS"-- HARD "G" FORLIFE, YO.

>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: INCLUDING"NONONOYES," WHERE YOU THINK

SOMETHING'S GOING TO GO HORRIBLYWRONG AND THEN SUDDENLY, WITHOUT

WARNING-- YES!

EVERYTHING WORKS OUT.

AND A SUBREDDIT FOR THE MORECOMMON "YESYESYESYESNO."

WHICH IS THE HORRIBLE OPPOSITE,WHERE YOU THINK EVERYTHING'S

GONNA BE OKAY, THEN LIFE HITSYOU IN THE FACE.

>> OH, NO.

>> HARDWICK: LIKE AN UNPLANNEDPREGNANCY.

WHEN ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS HAVEUNPROTECTED SEX 'CAUSE IT FEELS

GREAT.

(CROWD WHOOPS)STOP IT, STOP IT.

KIDS...

>> WE ARE FORCED TO HAVEUNPROTECTED SEX, BECAUSE JOERG

USED ALL THE CONDOMS.

>> HARDWICK: JOERG SPRAVE USEDALL THE CONDOMS TO SHOOT THINGS.

>> GOD DAMN IT, JOERG.

>> HARDWICK: JOERG!

>> I LOVE HIM.

>> HARDWICK: AND AS ALWAYS, THEMORE ANIMATED YOU ARE AT

ANSWERING, THE MORE LIKELY WEARE TO ASK YOU BACK ON THE SHOW.

FIRST UP... FIRST UP.

THIS IS A TRUCK, PROBABLY ADASHBOARD CAM FROM RUSSIA, SO...

(BELL DINGS)SOMETHING'S ABOUT TO GO GOOD OR

BAD, HENRY.

>> I'M GONNA SAY NONONOYES,BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN HOPE IN

THIS LIFE.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

I'M INCLINED TO AGREE, 'CAUSETHIS LOOKS LIKE A BAD PLACE TO

START.

OKAY, LET'S FIND OUT.

NONONONONONONONONONONO...

>> NONONONONONONONO.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

OH.

>> AAH!

>> (EXCLAIMS)>> WHOA, GOD.

>> SAVED BY BUDDY CHRIST.

>> HARDWICK: AND IF YOU SAW THEREVERSE ANGLE ON THAT, YOU'D SEE

A RUSSIAN GUY BLASTING THROUGHTHE ROOF OF HIS CAR FROM THE

PILE OF SHIT...

THAT CAME OUT.

(IMITATES ROCKET LAUNCHING)>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

THIS GIF FROM A MOTORCYCLE.

(BELL DINGS)>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: YES, MATTHEW?

>> (STAMMERS): OH...

>> HARDWICK: AND NOW IT'SALREADY UNCOMFORTABLE.

>> I'M GONNA GO NONONONOYES,'CAUSE I WANT TO GET A

MOTORCYCLE SOMEDAY.

>> HARDWICK: MATT, YOU DON'TWANT A MOTORCYCLE.

>> YEAH, I DO, CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, LET'SFIND OUT.

Y... OH, GOD...

WHOA, SHIT!

>> YES!

>> HARDWICK: HOLY SHIT!

>> I DON'T BELIEVE IT'S REAL.

>> YES!

>> WHAT?

>> HARDWICK: THAT IS AMAZING.

OKAY, NEXT ONE.

THIS LION.

>> OH, NO.

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: OH.

YOU CAN FEEL... YOU CAN FEELEVERYONE'S RECTUM SLAMMING SHUT.

IN PREPARATION.

GRACIE.

>> I... UH... N-NONONOYES.

PLEASE, DEAR GOD.

>> HARDWICK: REALLY?

'CAUSE THERE'VE BEEN TWO OFTHOSE IN A ROW.

>> YEAH, I'M JUST HOPING THATYOU GUYS HAVE A-A GREAT SENSE OF

HUMOR ABOUT JOY AND COMPASSIONIN LIFE HERE.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, OKAY.

WE DO.

WE DO...

BUT I THINK WE CAN AGREE THATLIONS DO NOT FIND JOY AND

COMPASSION IN LIFE, BUT LET'SFIND OUT.

IS THIS A NO...

>> Y... AW.

>> HARDWICK: AW.

>> YAY.

I LOVE IT.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

THIS MAN WITH A RAZOR SCOOTER, AGIANT WOODEN RAMP AND A DREAM.

(BELL DINGS)>> OH.

>> (CACKLING)>> HARDWICK: I'M NOT-I'M NOT

KIDDING-- IF THIS GOES BAD,THESE ARE NOT VIDEOS I ENJOY

WATCHING.

>> NO.

>> HARDWICK: MATT.

>> WELL, HE'S A MAN-- A GROWNMAN-- ON A RAZOR SCOOTER.

>> SO THAT'S ALREADY NONONO.

>> ALREADY STARTING OUT BAD.

I'M GONNA SAY...

YEAH, I'M GONNA SAY IT STARTS...

YUP, YESYESYESYESNO.

>> HARDWICK: I GOT A BAD FEELINGABOUT THIS.

OH, GOD DAMN.

>> SWEET, SWEET SCOOTER.

>> OH, GOD, NO.

>> IT'S ALL GOOD, IT'S ALL GOOD.

>> BIG AIR, SEE, RIGHT THERE...

>> HE'S FINE, HE'S GOT TOTALCONTROL.

>> HE'S TOTALLY FINE...

OH!

>> OH!

>> OKAY.

>> THAT'S THE PROBLEM-- IT'STHAT LAST LEFT TURN, IT'S...

THERE, HE SHOULD HAVE GONERIGHT.

>> YOU JUST GOT TO HOOK IT TOTHE RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: H-HOW THE FUCK DOYOU MISS THAT?

HOW?!

>> YEAH.

>> GOD.

>> THAT'S HIS... THAT'S HISMISTAKE.

>> I THINK AT FIRST, HE WASLIKE, "THIS THING'S TOO BIG."

>> WHY DON'T WE GET A SMALLERONE?

>> YEAH, YOU KNOW, COME ON,GUYS, BRING THIS IN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?

>> HARDWICK: NOW...

WELL, AND...

IRONICALLY, THAT SAME SCOOTERHELPS HIM GET TO THE BATHROOM

NOW.

>> WHAT A TERRIBLE DOCTOR.

"UH, YOU'RE, UH, YOU'RE, UH,YOU'RE GONNA NEED THIS RAZOR

SCOOTER TO GET AROUND."

"BUT DON'T I HAVE TO STAND ONONE LEG AND PROPEL MYSELF WITH

THE OTHER?""DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T CARE.

>> OBAMACARE.

>> WE'RE JUST GONNA TAPE THESECRUTCHES TO YOUR HEAD AS WELL.

>> YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

>> HARDWICK: LAST ONE.

THESE KIDS RIDING A TOY CAR DOWNA HILL.

(BELL DINGS)GRACE!

>> YESYESYESNO.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

LET'S FIND OUT.

YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES.

>> AAH!

>> HARDWICK: NO!

>> WHOA!

>> (WHOOPS)>> HARDWICK: SERIOUSLY, IT'S A

Y... IT'S A YES!

IT'S A NONONOYES!

>> THAT'S A YES.

>> HARDWICK: AMAZING, AMAZING!

BY THE WAY...

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING CLOD, JUSTSTUFFING SHIT IN HIS FACE, NOT

EVEN DOING ANYTHING TO HELPTHESE KIDS.

THAT IS INCREDIBLE.

>> CHRIS, YOU KNOW, I JUST WANTTO SAY, HE WASN'T THAT FAST

UNTIL THE RAZOR ACCIDENT.

>> HARDWICK: NO, IT WAS...

AND THEN HE HOPPED ON HISMOTORCYCLE AND FLIPPED ONTO A

CAR.

>> THAT'S LIKE, I WANT, LIKE,THE MYTHBUSTERS TO CLOCK HIS

LAND SPEED.

>> HARDWICK: THAT WAS-THAT WASAN INCREDIBLE...

>> AMAZING, I'M GONNA DRAFT HIM.

>> YOU JUST SEE, LIKE, THE SOUNDBARRIER, LIKE, SNAP AS HE GOES

(IMITATES BOUNCING)KIDS JUST SHOOT TO THE SIDE.

>> YOU HURT MORE KIDS THAN YOUSAVED.

>> I'M GETTING FASTER EVERY DAY.

>> DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT THEKIDS, MAN, OR JUST YOUR SPEED?

>> THE FAT FLASH WITH REIGNAGAIN.

>> HARDWICK: OH, WAIT A MINUTE,FUCK OUR SHOW, I WANT TO HEAR

ABOUT FAT FLASH.

>> IT'S ME.

I'M THE ONE.

WHAT DID GERARD DEPARDIEU?

>> YES, YES, YES, YES!

>> YEAH!

>> HARDWICK: NEWSER IS REPORTINGTHAT BLACKOUT DAY DRINKER AND

TALKING SLOTH GERARD DEPARDIEUHAS RELEASED A NEW AUTOBIOGRAPHY

ENTITLED "THAT'S THE WAY ITWAS," CHRONICLING THE EVENTS OF

HIS LIFE AS HE'S BEEN ABLE TOHAZILY PIECE THEM TOGETHER.

THE BOOK HAS SOME AMAZINGREVELATIONS LIKE...

(LAUGHTER)>> I LOVE THIS.

WHAT IS HE HOLDING?

>> WHY IS THIS ONLY SEPARATED BYA COMMA?

>> "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DOG?

WHY IS HE INVISIBLE?">> "I, UH...

I USED TO TAKE MY JOHNS TO THEGRAVEYARD.

WE WOULD ROB THE GRAVES FOR APLACE TO FUCK IN THE GROUND.

ALSO, UH, I CANNOT BE KILLED BYCONVENTIONAL METHODS."

>> MAY I... JUST ONE, QUICKLY,THING.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> "GERARD DEPARDIEU, KNOWNMOSTLY RECENTLY FOR SCOOTERING

WHILE INTOXICATED."

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

HE DEFECTED TO RUSSIA AND HEPEED ON THAT PLANE.

AND IF HE ACTUALLY WAS A MALEPROSTITUTE, THERE'S NO WAY THAT

SOMEONE HASN'T PHOTOSHOPPED ADICK RIGHT THERE.

NOW...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)"I CALL IT THE FRENCHMAN'S

PINCH.

I WOULD GRAB IT...

LIKE THIS..."

>> "I SNAP BACK AND FORTH."

>> HARDWICK: "BACK AND FORTH."

>> THAT'S MY FRENCH.

>> HARDWICK: "I WOULD CALL THISTHE MOANING LISA.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)I W...

THIS MOVE WAS THE GUY-FULLTOWER."

CONSIDERING HE HAS NOT BEENSOBER SINCE 1971, IT'S ANYONE'S

GUESS AS TO WHAT ELSE THISPORTLY PIRATE HAS BEEN UP TO.

SO, COMEDIANS, GIVE ME AS MANYFACTS AS YOU CAN ABOUT GERARD

DEPARDIEU'S LIFE.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)MATT.

>> WAS ALMOST HUNTED TOEXTINCTION BY AFRICAN POACHERS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)GRACE.

>> HE TIPS IN MASHED POTATOES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)HENRY.

>> HIS SHIRT SIZE IS DRUNKFRENCH RHINO.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MATT.

>> UH, TWICE WEEKLY, HE SWEATSHIS WEIGHT IN BUTTER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)GRACE.

>> HE TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDEBUT ENDED UP WATCHING "AMELIE"

AGAIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)HENRY.

>> HE ONCE TOOK A SHIT IN AFOUNTAIN BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT

WAS A FANCY TOILET.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)I'M POSITIVE THAT ONE ACTUALLY

HAPPENED.

GRACE.

>> HE CREATED "GOSSIP GIRL."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)HENRY.

>> UM, HE ONCE ACCIDENTALLY ATEHIS OWN SHOES BECAUSE HE THOUGHT

THE LACES WERE BROWN SPAGHETTI.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)