Cristela Alonzo, Larry Omaha & Maz Jobrani

  • Season 1, Ep 106
  • 11/10/2011

Cristela Alonzo hates asking for directions, Larry Omaha always gets mistaken for other races, and Maz Jobrani encourages everyone to speak in their native tongue.

have heard in the past inmy specials are all very true,

from Martin to my buddies andgoing down the Disneyland ride

to my son Frankie.

You know, some of youactually question that,

when I'm at the mallsor at airport.

"Do you really havea son named Frankie?"

I really do.

You know, he's 13 years old,he looks exactly like me.

And why is that strange?

Because I've only had himfor four years.

He's technically my stepson, butI don't like to call him that,

'cause then automaticallyit feels like

I'm trying to be detached,you know?

He's mine.

Plus, he looks, like I said,exactly like me.

And I figured, with time,he'd grow and stretch

and start to look different,but he's just taller, you know?

I have friendswho I haven't seen in years

come over the house, and theysee him and they freak out.

They're like, "Dude, when didyou find time to have a kid?"

I'm like, "I just got him."

Like, "He looks just like you."

I go, "Not badfor aftermarket, huh?

"No, he's a certified pre-owned.

"Yes, he is. Yes, he is.

"Look at this stomach.

"Look at this stomach.Look at this stomach.

"Look at this stomach.

Hercules! Hercules!Hercules! Hercules!"

(audience murmurs)

Ooh.

You guys got all scared.

"No!"

Kidding, guys. I'm kidding.

I don't knowanything about Jesus.

I'm Catholic. It's...

Let's face it,being Catholic is like

having a gym membership,you know?

It's like, "Yeah, we belong,but we never go."

It's, uh, it's all right.

I got lost on the way here.

And I hate asking people fordirections, 'cause everybody's

got their own wayof giving directions, you know?

The worst way of gettingdirections was asking my mom,

'cause my momwas this mean Catholic woman

who hated everyonein the neighborhood.

So she would actuallygive you directions

by telling you who she hatedalong the way.

"Oh, you're going to go downto Jose's house.

"You know Jose.

"The marijuano.

"He got a dewey-- a DUI.

"His mom says,'Ah, he's an angel.'

"Ha. Uses angel dust-- (bleep).

Every city I've traveled to,

the police are stopping me,searching me,

patting me down.

I will say this though.

Phoenix policemenhave the softest hands.

Yeah.

Tell you a bit about myself.

My mother's Yaqui Indian,my father's Zapotec Indian.

And because of that mixtureof cultures,

that intermingling ofindigenous bloodlines,

I stand here tonightlooking like Jackie Chan.

I'm always mistaken for

belonging toanother cultural group.

When I was born, my dad said,"Holy crap, we had a Korean."

Everywhere I go.

I worked Alaska,they treated me like family,

as if I was a long-lost brother.

After looking around,I understood.

I am pretty sure Eskimosare just freeze-dried Navajos.

"Well, okay, all right,you have a son.

"Do you ever think about

expanding your family,you know?"

All the time. It's just that,right now, you guys,

I'm working a lot.

And it's not to say that,you know,

there hasn't been possibilities,

'cause I've had a couple scares,you know.

And, ladies, ladies,I'll let you know right now,

if you ever thinkthat you might be pregnant,

don't do what my girl did to me.

You know, it's 2:00 a.m.

I'm already asleepand she's complain--

"I'm so nauseous.

I don't feel good."

And I wake up."You okay?"

"I think I'm pregnant.

Good night."

And she rolls over.

"Hey!"

"What?"I go, "We got to find out!"

"What are you gonna do?"

(car door shuts, car drives off)

24-hour Walgreens,that's what we're gonna do.

I get inside of Walgreens,I don't even have a clue

as to where to finda pregnancy test.

I'm looking at all the aisles.

They don't have onethat says "Oops."

You know?

So, I start going up and down,

up and down, trying to finda pregnancy test.

And then I find one, right,and I'm reading it.

And as I'm reading it,I started noticing

all the other productsthat were next to it.

And I come to findsomething out.

And that is that Walgreens,Rite Aid, CVS and Walmart

have all figured outthe evolution of life,

and they grabbed allthe products that are necessary

for a life and they stuck themin one aisle,

and they put them in orderaccording to how you mess up.

And some of you

actually knowwhat I'm talking about.

But the next time you goto one of those stores

and you see that aisleI'm talking about,

you're gonna laugh your ass off,

'cause you're gonna think of meand you're gonna be like--

you know, people are gonnabe like, "What's so funny?"

"Oh, my God, Fluffy!"

'Cause you are gonna seeexactly what I saw,

the evolution of life.

As soon as you turn the corner,

first thing you're gonna see:condoms.

Next to that: lubricant.

Next to that: pregnancy test.

Next to that: Pampers.

Next to that: formula.

And at the end of the aisle,they sell beer.

You guys ever liedso much on a résumé,

you're actually shockedthat they give you the job?

That's awesome, right?

Like, you lie so much,you want to have a talk

with the company to make surethey're not messing with you,

you know.

"Hey. Psst. Come here.

"Are you sure about this?

"Look at me, look at my résumé.

Do I look like an astronaut?"

And I lie, you know--when I lie,

I'm not going to do that whole,"Hey, I type 80 words a minute."

I'm like,"Hey, I went to the moon."

And I do that because my sisteris my fake boss

for every fake jobI've ever had.

So when you're callingto check references,

you're never callinga real company.

You're callingmy sister's house, right?

And you always know it's crap,

'cause she's this 40-year-oldMexican mother of three.

So every time she answersthe phone, she's like,

"Hello?

"Yes, is NASA.

(whispers):"I don't know.

"Yes, with the shuttlesand the rockets. Yes.

"Sergio, get off the bed!

"What?

"Oh, yeah, she's the best astronauta we've got.

"Yeah.

"Yeah, she goes to the moon,like, five times a week.

"It's crazy.

"Sergio, get offthe stupid bed right now!

"Oh, no, no, no, I'm not busy.

"I'm not busy. No, no, no, no.

"No, no, I... I'm in the middleof a countdown.

"Ten.

Nine. Eight."

I hate working, you know.

I think it's because,when you're a kid,

nobody tells youthat when you grow up

you're going to have to workevery day of your life.

No one tells you that.

When I was a kid, I couldn'twait to grow up and be an adult.

Now that I'm an adult,I can't wait to die.

'Cause sometimes life sucks.

Am I ever going to pay off myMontgomery Ward's credit card?

No? No?

That store hasn't been aroundfor ten years.

I still owe them for a VCR

and a pair of L.A. GearI don't have anymore.

Really? Really?

That store is so old, halfof you don't know what the hell

I'm talking about right now.

That's how old that is.

Really? Okay.

Man, you know, I actually

recently triedlosing weight, you know.

I recently bought a scale.

There's only two kinds of peoplein the world

that own scales, okay?

People who think they're fatand drug dealers.

That's it. No one else.

Skinny people don't haveto check their weight.

They're skinny, you know?

All they do is wake up inthe morning, look in the mirror

and say, "Hey.(clicks tongue)

Not fat."

The rest of us,we get desperate.

I mean, hell,I bought a digital scale

because, if I lose an ounce,

I want to knowI lost a stupid ounce!

I'm like, "Hey."

"Notice anything different?

"I'm down four ounces.

(laughing)

(sobbing)

I'm so hungry!"

gangster rapper Eskimos.

I met the real Ice Cube.

Everywhere I go.

I worked Tokyo,they thought I was Japanese,

talking to me in Japanese.

One thing I did understand,you know,

they said their countrywas becoming Americanized.

I said, "What are youtalking about?

No one here evenspeaks Spanish."

Freaks everywhere, everywhere.

I did a show at your university.

A professor came up, saidhe could determine my ancestry

by the structureof my cheekbones.

That's embarrassingwhen guys look back there.

Freaks in higher education.

My mother won'tcelebrate Thanksgiving.

She says it representsthe white man stealing our land.

But she's not angry,she's not angry.

She figures, ah, what the hell,

we're taking it backone casino at a time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have an Apache buddy,he's real slow.

They named him Runs Like A Cow.

His brother's fast,they named him Flying Eagle.

His sister had nine kids,they named her Spread Eagle.

Freaks.

My Indian name isSleeps in the River.

I was a bed-wetter.

Have any women here ever madelove to a Native American man?

WOMAN:Yes!

One.

'Cause there aren'tthat many left.

Something happeneda couple hundred years ago.

A lot of us came up missing.

But I'm here totell you, ladies,

if you ever get the opportunity,keep an open mind.

'Cause I'm here to tell you,

once you go Sioux,you'll know what to do.

Once you go Mohawk,I guarantee you won't walk.

And once you go Apache,you'll have a happy (bleep).

Who's heard of the Axis of EvilComedy Tour?

A few of you.

For those of you who've not,for those of you

who've not heard ofthe Axis of Evil Comedy Tour,

it was likethe Blue Collar Comedy Tour,

but with Middle Easterncomedians.

Yeah. So, like, they say,"Get 'er done,"

we'd say,"Get it done, my friend."

That's it.

Two hours of that.

"Get it done, my friend!"

So, uh, I was,I was born in Iran.

Thank you. Calm down.

No, that's cool, that's cool.

Whatever, Arizona.

Sure.

No-- thank you, band.

Thank you, Ozomatli.

No, I'll tell you,I'll tell you.

It's funny 'cause some peopledon't know how to tell

the difference betweenIranian or Indian or Arab.

And here's the thing.If you want to test to see

if it's Iranian,have them say a word

that has two consonantsback to back.

My people can't dotwo consonants back to back.

He knows an Iranian.

He's laughing over there, yeah.

I swear, like, the name Steve,we say, "e-Steve."

You see, an "E" comesout of nowhere.

I don't know where it came from.

"Drink"-- we say "derink."

"Traffic"-- "terrafic!"

The best word, if you want totest to see if it's an Iranian,

have them say the word"gangster."

"Gangster" has four consonantsin the middle.

Takes us an hour to say"gangster."

"Gangster" becomes"gangester...!"

It's like you're stretching.

"Feel the gangester!

"In your legs.

But I'll tell you what,what's crazy is, all this stuff,

there's a lot of discriminationthat's still going on

against Middle Easternersand Muslims in America,

and it happens.

There was an airline

with a Muslim familywalking down the aisle,

talking about the safest placeto sit on the plane.

Some passengers overheard them,somehow misconstrued that

as terrorist talk,got them kicked off the plane.

My advice toall my brown people,

the next timeyou're on an airplane,

just speak your mother tongue.

That way, nobody knows whatyou're saying, life goes on.

Now, granted,some mother tongues

might sounda little threatening, right?

To my Arab brothersand sisters out there,

if you're walking down the aislespeaking Arabic, you know...

(imitating Arabic speech)

...gonna freak some people out.

So, if you have Arab friends,let them know,

they got to throw in random goodwords into their conversation

to put people at ease.

Just as they're walkingdown the aisle, just...

(imitating Arabic speech)

...strawberry!

(imitating Arabic speech)

...rainbow!

(imitating Arabic speech)

...Tutti Frutti!

They'll be like, "I thinkhe's gonna hijack the plane

with some ice cream."

That's my time.Thank you very much, guys.

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