CC Presents: Jimmy Carr

  • Season 13, Ep 17
  • 01/11/2009

FOR THE FIRST TIME AND THEY SAYTO YOU, "DID YOU FIND IT OKAY?"

WHAT ARE YOU MEANT TO SAY?

"NO, I'M STILL LOST."

I SAW A THING IN THE PAPERABOUT ANIMAL-RIGHTS PROTESTORS

BEING UP IN ARMS

BECAUSE GUINEA PIGSWERE BEING USED IN TESTING.

I THOUGHT, "THE CLUE THEREIS IN THE NAME."

THEY'RE NOT CALLING THEMGUINEA PIGS FOR NOTHING.

THAT IS WHAT THEY'RE FOR.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

A LITTLE SLOW,BUT YOU GOT THERE,

AND THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING.

WELL DONE.WELL DONE, YOU.

Woman: WHOO!

CREATIONISTS,THE RIGHT-WING CHRISTIANS,

CREATIONISTS BELIEVEEVERY WORD GENESIS SAYS.

I DON'T EVEN THINK PHIL COLLINSIS A GOOD DRUMMER.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT BEING BLIND

THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO WALKTHE DOG THE WHOLE TIME?

SURELY THE BEST THINGABOUT GETTING A FACE TRANSPLANT

WOULD BE TURNING UP ATTHE DONOR'S FUNERAL AND GOING,

"WHOO-OO-OO-OO!"

YOU DEFINITELY WOULD.COME ON.

I'M JIMMY CARR.

I'M ONE OF THE BIGGEST FACESIN BRITISH COMEDY.

LITERALLY, I'VE GOT ONEOF THE BIGGEST FACES.

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT.IT'S LIKE THE MOON.

PROBABLY AFFECTINGYOUR MENSTRUAL CYCLE

JUST BEING THIS CLOSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAD HASSLEGETTING OUT THIS EVENING.

I HAD TO ORGANIZE A BABYSITTER.

I DON'T HAVE CHILDREN.

I'VE JUST FOUND THEY'RE A LOTCHEAPER THAN ESCORTS.

THERE'S PRETTY MUCH NOTHINGTHEY WON'T DO FOR $40.

I HEARD A LITTLE SMATTERINGOF APPLAUSE FOR THAT.

WELL DONE, YOU.

WHEN I TOLD MY MUM I WANTEDTO GROW UP AND BE A COMEDIAN,

SHE SAID, "YOU CAN'T DO BOTH."

I'M FROM GREAT BRITAIN,OBVIOUSLY.

WHAT MAKES BRITAIN GREAT IS OURABILITY TO LAUGH AT OURSELVES.

AND WHEN I SAY "OURSELVES,"I MEAN OTHER PEOPLE.

AND WHEN I SAY "LAUGH,"I MEAN "INVADE."

[ APPLAUSE ]

SORRY.

I MET AN AMERICAN WOMAN WHO TOLDME SHE THOUGHT ALL ENGLISH MEN

WERE REPRESSED AND UPTIGHT.

I WAS ANGRY. I WAS UPSET.

BUT I MANAGED TO HIDE IT.

PEOPLE ASK ME,"WHAT WERE YOU LIKE AT SCHOOL?"

SO I TELL THEM,"I WAS A LITTLE BLACK GIRL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE'S ABOUT HALFOF YOU LAUGHING,

HALF OF YOU THINKING, "WAS HE?"

I SAW A HOMELESS GUYGETTING OFF THE BUS.

I THOUGHT, "WELL,HOW DOES HE KNOW IT'S HIS STOP?"

I HAD AN AMAZING CAB DRIVERHERE IN NEW YORK CITY.

A CAB DRIVER,HE WAS SMILING AND WHISTLING,

CLEARLY IN A BRILLIANT MOOD.

HE SAID, "I LOVE MY JOB.I'M MY OWN BOSS.

NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO."

I SAID, "LEFT HERE."

IF YOU'RE STUNG BY A JELLYFISH?

DOES ANYONE KNOW?

"PEE ON IT" IS EXACTLYTHE RIGHT ANSWER.

IF YOU GET STUNG BY A JELLYFISH,YOU'RE MEANT TO PEE ON IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS.

I WENT ON VACATION,AND EVERYONE TOLD ME,

"IF YOU GET STUNGBY A JELLYFISH,

YOU'RE MEANT TO PEE ON IT."

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU THIS MUCH.

IT DOESN'T WORK AS WELLON SHARK BITES.

THE BOY'S FAMILY WERE LIVID.

APPARENTLY, ONCE THEY'VE BEENDEAD A COUPLE OF HOURS,

THERE IS VERY LITTLEYOU CAN DO, NO.

[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]

A BOY GENUINELY DIEDJUST TO MAKE THAT JOKE FUNNY.

DON'T CRY, IT'S JUST A JOKE.

ALTHOUGH IT WAS A JOKEABOUT PISSING ON A DEAD BOY,

SO DON'T, YOU KNOW --MAYBE CRY A LITTLE BIT,

BUT DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY.

IF YOU WERE OFFENDED BY THAT,GOOD LUCK WITH THE NEXT ONE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MEANT TODO IF YOU'RE ATTACKED BY A BEAR?

YOU'RE MEANT TO PLAY DEADIS EXACTLY THE RIGHT --

IF YOU GET ATTACKED BY A BEAR,YOU'RE MEANT TO PLAY DEAD.

YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE MEANTTO PLAY DEAD?

IT'S TO GET YOU USED TO HOWYOU'RE GONNA BE IN A MINUTE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MEANT TODO IF YOU'RE ATTACKED BY A BEAR?

Man: PEE ON IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PISS ON A BEAR?

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU THINK YOU SHOULD PISSON A BEAR IF IT ATTACKS YOU?

YOU'RE LIKE A WALKING ADVERTFOR NATURAL SELECTION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF A BEAR'S COMINGAT YOU, SIR...

...AND YOU WHIP IT OUT,

MR. BEAR IS JUST GONNA THINK,"OOH, AN HORS D'OEUVRE."

"DELICIOUS."

MY FAVORITE STORY OF THE LASTYEAR CONCERNED A STUDENT.

HE WAS WALKING HOMELATE ONE NIGHT -- HE WAS DRUNK.

THIS IS HIS CRIME --HE CALLED A POLICE HORSE "GAY."

HE SAW A POLICE OFFICERON THE BACK OF A HORSE.

HE LOOKED AT THE HORSE, HE WENT,"GAY -- YOUR HORSE IS GAY."

NOW, IF EVER THERE WASA VICTIMLESS CRIME,

SURELY THAT'S IT,CALLING A POLICE HORSE GAY.

FOR A START, THERE'S NOTHINGTHE MATTER WITH BEING GAY.

SECONDLY, IT'S A HORSE.IT CAN'T UNDERSTAND.

THIRDLY, EVEN IF BY SOME MIRACLEIT COULD UNDERSTAND,

I THINK A HORSE WOULD BE FAIRLY,YOU KNOW, OKAY

WITH BEING CALLED GAY.

BECAUSE I THINK A HORSE

WOULD BE FAIRLY SEXUALLYSELF-CONFIDENT.

FOR A START,IT'S HUNG LIKE ITSELF.

BUT THE POLICE OFFICERDIDN'T LET IT GO.

OH, NO.

HE GOT OFF THE HORSE,AND HE ARRESTED THE YOUNG MAN.

HE FINED HIM $100 FOR CALLINGA POLICE HORSE GAY.

I WISH I'D BEEN HIS LAWYER.I WOULD HAVE GOT HIM OFF.

BECAUSE IN HIS DEFENSE,THE HORSE WAS STANDING NAKED

ON ALL FOURSIN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET...

...WITH A UNIFORMED MANON HIS BACK.

THAT IS QUITE GAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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