Wednesday, August 19, 2015

  • 08/19/2015

Wil Wheaton, Felicia Day and April Richardson pitch new mottos for Subway, list #ScientificSongs and check out the @midnight Home Edition.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S ANYTHINGGOING ON TODAY IN THE NEWS, IS

THERE ANYTHING GOING ON--OH RIGHT.

THAT.

I KNOW WE ALL FEEL UNCOMFORTABLEABOUT IT, AND I THINK IT'S

IMPORTANT THAT WE TALK ABOUT IT,THOUGH, BECAUSE IT IS IN THE

NEWS, AND IT'S SUPER ( BLEEP )UP.

JARED FOGLE, THE VERY FORMERSUBWAY PITCHMAN

AGREED TO PLEAD GUILTY TO CHILDPORNOGRAPHY AND OTHER

HORRIBLE CRIMES, BECAUSEEVENTUALLY ALL OF OUR HEROES

GO BAD, WHICH IS NOT ONLY A SADCOMMENTARY ON HERO WORSHIP,

ALSO A DELIGHTFUL SANDWICH JOKE.

ALSO A DELIGHTFUL SANDWICH JOKE.

SO THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TOTALK ABOUT IN GENERAL.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT COMEDY.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT WE DOON THE SHOW BECAUSE

WE WILL PROBABLY MAKE OTHERJOKES ABOUT THIS SUBHUMAN PILE

OF GARBAGE IN THE COMING WEEKS,

JUST LIKE WE MADE JOKES ABOUTBILL COSBY AND THE CONFEDERATE

FLAG AND KILLER DRONES ANDMOSQUITOES THAT CARRY MALARIA.

BUT FIRST OFF, I WANNA SAY

COMEDIANS MAKE JOKES ABOUTHORRIBLE THINGS BECAUSE, AS

HUMANS, THIS IS OUR DEFENSEMECHANISM FOR TRYING TO

PROCESS THOSE HORRIBLE THINGSAND GAIN POWER OVER THEM.

LIKE MANY OF YOU, MY REACTION ISTO THIS IS I'M (BLEEP)ING

DUMBFOUNDED. I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT TO DO WITH THIS.

THIS ( BLEEP ) GUY, TOO? AREYOU SERIOUS?

ARE THERE ANY GOOD PEOPLE LEFTON THE PLANET?

BUT AS COMICS, WE CAN'T--WIL WHEATON, YEAH, YEAH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )AS COMEDIANS WE CANNOT

PHYSICALLY PUNCH JARED FOGLEOR ( BLEEP ) COSBY IN THE FACE

LIKE WE'D LIKE TO, SO WE PUNCHTHEM WITH JOKES. THIS IS WHAT WE

DO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LAUGH AT THESEJOKES BUT YOU CAN LAUGH AT THEM.

HORRIBLE PEOPLE DESERVE OURRIDICULE AND IT IS VITAL IN A

SITUATION LIKE THIS BECAUSEIT TAKES AWAY HIS POWER FROM A

SOCIETAL STANDPOINT.

AND WE CAN STAND ON HIS NECK ANDSAY THIS IS A ( BLEEP ) PERSON.

DON'T BE A ( BLEEP ) PERSON ORWE WILL STAND ON YOUR NECK!

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO POINTOUT, I PROMISE, I PROMISE, I

PROMISE FROM THE BOTTOM OF MYHEART.

WE ARE NOT MAKING LIGHT OF HISACTIONS OR MARGINALIZING THE

VICTIMS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BEATROCIOUS.

FOR EXAMPLE, HOW MANY TIMES HAVEYOU USED HITLER AS A PUNCH LINE?

PROBABLY MORE THAN A FEW.

IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU THINKGENOCIDE IS FUNNY.

IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE DEVALUING APIECE OF (BLEEP) WHO SHOULD ROT

ON THE END OF THE DEVIL'SSPIKY FIRE DICK. FOR EXAMPLE,

IF I SHOW A PICTURE LIKE THIS,AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE "THAT

BUSH IS WAY TOO OLD FOR JARED,"THAT IS-- AS AN EXAMPLE.

THAT'S MY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WAYOF SAYING "( BLEEP ) THAT GUY IN

THE FACE FOREVER, YOU DOUCHELORD."

ONE GROUP OF PEOPLE DEFINITELYNOT MAKING JARED FOGLE JOKES

RIGHT NOW IS SUBWAY'S MARKETINGWING.

THEY DROPPED HIM LAST MONTH, ANDI THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY THEY

ARE SCRAMBLING TO DISTANCETHEMSELVES FROM LITERALLY THE

WORST PERSON TOHOCK FOOT-LONGS SINCE

RON JEREMY.

SO, COMEDIANS, AS EVERYONE ONTHE INTERNET HAS POINTED OUT,

"EAT FRESH" MIGHT NOT BE THEBEST SUBWAY SLOGAN ANYMORE--

IT'S NOT. JUST THE WORLD WE LIVEIN.

( APPLAUSE )I'M NOT EVEN THE FIRST PERSON TO

POINT THAT OUT.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TOPITCH ME A NEW MOTTO FOR THE

EMBATTLED SANDWICH CHAIN.FELICIA DAY, GO.

>> SUBWAY: MAYBE A FREE SIDE OFAVOCADO WILL MAKE THIS GO AWAY?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

WIL WHEATON.

>> SUBWAY-- ( BLEEP ).

( LAUGHTER ).

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )APRIL RICHARDSON.

>> SUBWAY-- WE'RE NAMED AFTERTHE MOST COMMON PLACE TO FIND

RATS.

>> CHRIS: I'M SURE THEY'RE GOINGTO GO WITH THAT.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR OUR"#HASHTAGWARS."

IN THE PAST CENTURY, SCIENCE HASPROPELLED HUMANITY TO NEW

HEIGHTS AND ANSWERED OUR MOSTPROFOUND EXISTENTIAL QUESTIONS.

>> WATER, FIRE, AIR AND DIRT.

(BLEEP) MAGNETS, HOW DO THEYWORK?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS:#SCIENTIFICSONGS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:"BORON IN THE U.S.A.,"

"I WISH I HAD TESLA'S COIL,"OR "HUBBLE BUTT,"

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDSON THE OLD CLOCK-A-REENO.

>> ENTROPY AND IVORY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> ONE IS THE LONELIEST PRIMENUMBER.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

APRIL.

>> STRAIGHT OUTTA QUANTUM!

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

WIL.

>> A-U, GET OFF OF MYCLOUD.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

SO GOOD.

APRIL.

♪ YOU SAY YOU WANT AN EVOLUTION♪♪

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

SADLY, NOT EVERYONE SAYS THAT.

I'M LOOKING AT YOU, KANSAS!

WIL.

>> RADIOACTIVITY KILLED THERADIO STAR.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

FELICIA.

>> 9.9999... LUFTBALLOONS

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

FELICIA.

♪ SHE'S GOT STEPHEN HAWKING EYES♪♪

>> CHRIS: YES!

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME.

"BORED GAMES, SPELLED B-O-R-E-D,GET IT?"

IN THE GREAT, EVER-SPINNING

CYCLE OF POP CULTURE, EVERYTHINGCOOL WILL INEVITABLY BECOME LAME

AND THEN COOL AGAIN.

NOW BOARD GAMES ARE HAVING ACULTURAL MOMENT, AND ANYONE WHO

CAN PUT SOME HOTELS ON PARKPLACE WILL BE SHOWERED WITH THE

NASTIEST OF SEX FROM THRONGS OF"MONOPOLY" GROUPIES.

TAKE A CHANCE ALL OVER MYCOMMUNITY CHEST.

( LAUGHTER )I LOVE WHEN I TICKLE YOU.

>> WOW!

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA FORGOTTEN BOARD GAME FROM DEEP

WITHIN THE INTERNET AND FOR 250POINTS, I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME

A TAGLINE TO HELP SELL IT.

FIRST UP, THE NAME OF THE GAMEIS "ORGY."

FELICIA.

>> ORGY: STILL NOT AS SEXUAL ASTWISTER.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: APRIL.

>> ORGY: EIGHT IN THE PINKAND NINE IN THE STINK.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU POINTS.

I'M-- I HAVE TO QUESTION YOURMATH ON THAT.

WHY WOULD YOU PUT ONE MORE INTHE STINK?

OH, YOU CLEARLY NEVER PLAYEDORGY.

>> WHAT ARE YOU, A VIRGIN?

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE.

>> CHRIS: JEFF FOXWORTHY'S "YOUMIGHT BE A REDNECK IF" GAME.

WIL.

>> WARNING: GETS OLD REAL FAST.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )FELICIA.

>> FOR PREGNANT TEENS AGE 13 TO16.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YES, APRIL.

>> IN THE SAME VEIN, NOTSUITABLE FOR PEOPLE WHO AREN'T

MEMBERS OF APRIL'S FAMILY. WHENI OPENED FOR CHRIS IN ATLANTA,

MY MOM DID NOT COME SEE MEBECAUSE SHE SAID, AND I QUOTE,

"YOU'RE NO JEFF FOXWORTHY."

>> WOW!

>> I'M NOT AS FUNNY AS HIM.

FAIR ENOUGH.

NEXT ONE, THE FUNNY FINGER GAME.

THAT IS DEFINITELY NINE IN THESTINK.

>> OH, WOW!

CHRIS, WHILE YOU'RE STANDINGTHERE, IS THIS JUST LIKE JUNIOR

GLORY HOLE?

LIKE YOU DO THIS, AND THEN YOUGRADUATE TO, LIKE, GLORY HOLES?

BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST BIGGER THANHOLES? THAT'S THE GAME?

>> THIS COMES FREE WITH EVERYKID'S MEAL AT SUBWAY.

THIS IS WHAT YOU WERE TALKINGTALKING ABOUT BEFORE.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WASTALKING ABOUT.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: 100 POINTS TO WIL FOR

THAT. THIS IS WHAT WE WERETALKING TALKING ABOUT.

>> THEY MAY BE THE MOSTREGRETFUL POINTS I'VE EVER

EARNED IN MY LIFE.

>> CHRIS: NO, OWN, OWN IT.

NEXT UP"URANIUM RUSH!" WIL.

>> YOUR FUN WILL FALL OUT INCLUMPS.

>> CHRIS: APRIL.

>> THIS GAME WILL GROW ON YOU,AND SO WILL TUMORS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

LAST ONE.

"@MIDNIGHT: HOME EDITION!"( APPLAUSE )

LET'S SEE WHAT'S INSIDE THIS BOXHERE.

OH, THERE'S AN IPAD AND AJOINT.

( APPLAUSE )OH, MY GOD.

IT'S ACTUALLY REAL.

( LAUGHTER )>> IT'S ACTUALLY REAL!

>> CHRIS: SO ANY TAG LINE TOHELP SELL THIS?

FELICIA?

>> PISSED OFF REDDITORS SOLDSEPARATELY.

>> CHRIS: THANK YOU!

APRIL.

>> EVEN PLAYING AT HOME, RONFUNCHES WILL STILL WIN.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUTHE STORY OF A WOMAN WHO GOT

MARRIED TO JESUS.

YOUR CHALLENGE WAS TO, AS JESUS,TELL HER THAT IT'S NOT WORKING

OUT.

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU CAME UPWITH.

APRIL.

>> IT'S NOT JEW, IT'S ME.

>> CHRIS: WIL WHEATON.

>> I NEED SOME TIME TO MYSELF.

I'LL BE BACK IN THREE DAYS.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

( APPLAUSE )FELICIA.

>> YOU SAID YOU'D ONLY DO BUTTSTUFF ON MY BIRTHDAYS AND

CHRISTMAS, BUT THEY'RE THE SAMEDAY!

( APPLAUSE ).

"IT WASTHE BEST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE

DURST OF TIMES."

IF YOU'RE NOT AWARE OF LIMPBIZKIT, CONGRATULATIONS!

YOU'RE LUCKY!

HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

THESE GOONS TOOK THE WORST PARTSOF HEAVY METAL AND HIP-HOP AND

BLENDED THEM TOGETHER IN AMUSICAL DIARRHEA THAT DUDES WITH

NECK TATTOOS LISTEN TO AS THEYSKATEBOARD TO WORK EVEN THOUGH

THEY'RE IN THEIR MID-40S.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )IT'S LIMP BIZKIT LEAD SINGER

FRED DURST'S BIRTHDAY!

MEANING HE IS ONE STEP CLOSER TOTHAT BIZKIT BEING LIMP.

COMEDIANS, YOUR CHALLENGE IS TOTELL ME WHAT THIS LIVING GOATEE

HAS ON HIS AMAZON WISHLIST.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

WIL.

>> DIGNITY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

FELICIA.

>> VITAMIN WATER, HOT DOGFLAVORED.

>> CHRIS: ( BLEEP ).

POINTS.

APRIL.

>> A CUSTOM T-SHIRT THAT SAYS,"AT LEAST I'M NOT ROBERT DURST."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

FELICIA.

>> A BIG-MOUTHED BILLY BASS.

( LAUGHTER )REMEMBER THAT?

>> CHRIS, OF COURSE, I REMEMBERIT! IT PROBABLY PLAYS HIS SONGS.

IT OCCURS TO ME THAT EVERY ONEOF THESE THINGS COULD ALSO WORK

ON ROBERT DURST.

>> CHRIS: "WHAT DID YOU DO TOMUSIC?"

"I KILLED IT ALL, I GUESS."

WIL.

>> A DAD WHO LISTENED.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS, YEAH.

FELICIA.

>> CAPTAIN TOAD TREASURE TRACKERFOR THE WII U.

>> CHRIS: APRIL.

>> A TANDEM BIKE SO HE CAN RIDEWITH KID ROCK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.