Jonah Ray & Tom Segura

  • 11/27/2012

Jonah Ray loves vodka, and Tom Segura thinks chimps are smarter than lions.

- HELLO, EVERYBODY,I'M JONAH RAY.

HERE'S SOMETHING I MISS,

IS BEING ABLETO JUST PUSH SOMEBODY

INTO A POOL.

REMEMBER YOU COULD DO THAT?

THERE WAS A TIMEABOUT 15 YEARS AGO

YOU COULD JUST PUSH SOMEBODYINTO A POOL,

AND THEN YOU BECOME THE KINGOF SAID POOL PARTY.

YOU ARE THE BEST,'CAUSE IT'S HILARIOUS.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE HE'S WET,AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT TODAY.

YOU DO THATTO SOMEONE TODAY,

AND YOU RUIN THEIR LIFEFOR A FEW WEEKS.

YOU PUSH THEM IN,THEY GO, "OH, MAN!

"MY iPHONE!ALL MY CONTACTS ARE GONE!

"MY iPOD!THERE GO MY SONGS.

"MY iPAD!

"I WAS WRITING A BOOKON MY iPAD.

"I WAS GONNA BETHE FIRST GUY TO DO THAT.

NOW THAT'S ALL GONE.THANKS A LOT."

15 YEARS AGO,

YOU PUSH SOMEBODYIN A POOL, AND THEY GO,

"OH, MY L.A. LIGHTSSTOPPED BLINKING.

"OH, MAN.

"THAT'S A SHAME.

PASS METHAT CRYSTAL PEPSI."

TWO REFERENCES.

[laughter]

- THIS IS A GUY WHO'S NERVOUSABOUT A JOB INTERVIEW,

SO HE TOOK ACIDRIGHT BEFOREHAND.

THAT WAS A REALLY BAD IDEA,BECAUSE NOW HE FEELS

LIKE HIS FACE IS MELTING.

WHAT WOULD BEMY GREATEST WEAKNESS?

UM...

WHAT WOULD BEMY GREATEST WEAKNESS?

MY GREATEST WEAKNESS?

WHERE DID YOU GO?

WHERE DID YOU GO?OH, THERE YOU ARE.

I GUESS I HAVENO WEAKNESSES.

[applause]

I DON'T LIKE DOING YOGA.

DO YOU GUYS DO YOGA?I HATE IT.

THERE'S TOO MUCH STRETCHING,YOU KNOW?

I JUST DON'T LIKE IT.

I HAD A BAD EXPERIENCEAT A YOGA CLASS.

I WENT IN, AND THIS WOMANWAS STRETCHING

IN SPANDEX SHORTSBEHIND ME,

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN--WELL, WE'RE ALL ADULTS HERE--

HER VAGINA POPPED OUT.

AND NOT JUST A SLIVER.I MEAN, THE WHOLE THING.

IT'S LIKE, HOW DO YOU GETSOMEONE'S ATTENTION

TO TELL THEM THAT?

YOU KNOW,I WAS LIKE, "HEY, HEY."

[makes popping sounds]

BUT SHE DIDN'T NOTICE,

SO I PICKED IT UPTO HAND IT BACK TO HER,

BUT THEN THE CLASSWAS OVER,

SO EVERYBODY GOT UPTO LEAVE.

SO I GO TO TURN IT INAT THE LOST AND FOUND,

THEN SHE CAME OVER,KIND OF ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY,

AND SAW THAT I HAD ITIN MY HAND.

SHE GOES,"EXCUSE ME!

IS THAT MY VAGINAIN YOUR HAND?"

THEN I JUST SAID,"I DON'T KNOW.

"LET ME SEEIF IT HAS A NAME ON IT.

"NOPE. I GUESSIT'S MY VAGINA IN MY HAND!

FINDERS KEEPERS,LOSERS QUEEFERS."

[cheers and applause]

AND THAT'S NOT--I'M NOT SAYING THAT

FROM, LIKE,AN ELITIST PLACE.

I'M NOT A KNOW-IT-ALL.

I DIDN'T GOTO AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL.

I CAN PROUDLY SAYTHAT I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL

WITH A 2.1 GPA.

WHICH...[cheers]

THANK YOU.YES.

YOU CAN BASICALLY OBTAIN THAT

BY NOT GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL.

BUT WHAT I CAN DOIS PUT TOGETHER

A FOURTH-GRADE LEVEL,COHERENT, ENGLISH SENTENCE.

I MEET PEOPLEALL THE TIME,

THEY DON'T KNOW HOWTO CONJUGATE SIMPLE WORDS.

THEY DON'T KNOW IF IT'SPAST TENSE OR PRESENT TENSE.

THAT JUST REEKS OF JEAN SHORTSAND DIRT DRIVEWAYS, OKAY?

[laughter]

LIKE, THE OTHER DAY,

I WAS STANDING IN LINEIN A STORE,

AND I WAS STANDINGBEHIND TWO GENTLEMEN--

AND I USE THAT WORDREALLY LOOSELY--

AND ONE OF THEM WAS TELLINGHIS FRIEND A STORY.

THIS IS THE STORYTHAT HE TOLD HIM, VERBATIM.

AND I KNOW IT IS

BECAUSE IT NEVER STOPS PLAYINGIN MY HEAD.

HE GOES,"YEAH, I SEEN HIM--

"I SEEN HIMCOMES 'ROUND THE CORNER,

"SO I SAYS TO HIM, I SAYS,

'HEY, AIN'T YOU SEENIT'S A DOOR?'"

[laughter]

"AND THEN HE SAY,

"'I AIN'T THINKNO ONE'S HOME.'

"SO I SAYS TO HIM,I SAYS,

"'HEY, IT'S A DOOR.

"'NEXT TIME,YOU BETTER KNOCK

"'OR I'LL CHOKEYOUR ASS OUT.

'CAUSE I DON'T TAKENO [bleep].'"

YEAH, I GUESS YOU DON'T TAKENO READING EITHER.

WHAT THE [bleep], MAN?LIKE...

"I SAYS TO HIM,I SEEN HIM, 'IT'S A DOOR.'"

THAT'S YOUR SENTENCE,FOR REAL?

IF THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN DO,I DON'T THINK

YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWEDTO SPEAK.

I THINK YOU SHOULD JUSTWALK AROUND WITH PICTURES

OF THINGS YOU WANT TO SAY.

AND YOU WOULDN'T NEEDTHAT MANY,

BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID.

YOU COULD HAVE THREE,AND YOU COULD JUST GRUNT

AND HOLD THEM UP FOR PEOPLE.

[grunting]

"SURE, MAN,SOMEONE WILL FIGHT YOU.

START THROWING STUFF."

[grunting]"WELL, YOU CAN'T EAT THAT

'CAUSE THAT'S ALIVE."

[grunting]

"YES, JUST WEAR A CONDOM.

WE DON'T WANT ANY MOREOF YOU, OKAY?"

- 10 METERS,8 METERS.

- COME ON, BACK.BACK, BACK, BACK.

- BACK IT UP, DUDE.

- BRING IT BACK.BRING IT BACK. GO ON.

KEEP IT GOING.KEEP IT GOING.

- 2 METERS.

NOW YOU GOT SOME CENTIMETERS.

- USE YOUR MIRRORS.NO, NO, NO, NO.

- CUT IT.

- TRY TO HIT ME, DUDE,

AND THEN SPIN IT.

- CUT IT HARD!

- DON'T WORRYABOUT THAT CAR.

IT'S A JAPANESE CAR.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

- AH!STOP.

- ZERO.YOU'RE IN--

YOU ARE ACTUALLYIN THE OTHER CAR.

- PULL IT OUT AGAIN.START ALL OVER.

- NO.THROW IT IN NEUTRAL.

- AND THEN SPIN ITTO YOUR RIGHT, DUDE!

- YOUR LEFT!NO.

- WE USED TO BE THE WORLD'SBIGGEST MANUFACTURING POWER.

- I GOT TO PEE.

- GET IT BACK HERE!COME ON.

- I CAN'T TELLWHERE YOUR CAR ENDS

AND WHERETHE OTHER CAR STARTS.

YOU'RE METERSINTO THAT CAR, BRO.

METERS IN.

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "IS THEREA DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?",

I'LL GO AHEADAND SAY YES.

NOT BECAUSE I HAVEANY FORMAL MEDICAL TRAINING,

BUT BECAUSE I AM REALLY GOODAT THAT GAME, OPERATION.

LIKE, "DOCTOR, WE THINKHE'S HAVING A SEIZURE!"

"I'LL BE THE JUDGEOF THAT.

"HE HAS BUTTERFLIESIN HIS STOMACH,

"AND HE NEEDSHIS ADAM'S APPLE REMOVED.

"NOW GO GET ME A TWEEZERSAND A JACK DANIEL'S.

"LET'S HOPE HIS NOSEDOESN'T GO RED

OR WE'RE ALL GOINGTO JAIL TONIGHT."

- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEYOU GOT A LITTLE MUDDY?

- SHOULD I BE WORRIEDBECAUSE MY POOP IS BLOODY?

- HOW DO I STOPTHE RINGING IN MY EARS?

- WHY HAVEN'T I BEEN HORNYIN 12 YEARS?

- CAN A 12-YEAR-OLDGET A TUMMY TUCK?

- WHAT MAKES YOU THINKI GIVE A [bleep]?

- I'VE BEEN WORKINGON THIS THEORY,

AND MY THEORYIS THAT EVERY FAMILY

HAS AT LEASTONE PROFOUNDLY STUPID MEMBER

IN THE FAMILY.

[laughter]

IN MY FAMILY,

IT HAS TO BEMY COUSIN BRIAN,

WHOM I ADORE.

HE LIKES TO CALL HIMSELFAN INVENTOR,

WHICH WOULD BE REALLY COOL,

EXCEPT FOR THE WHOLE PARTWHERE HE IS NOT.

LIKE, IF YOU'RE AN INVENTOR,I APPLAUD YOU.

THAT TAKES REAL SKILLS.

MY COUSIN JUST LIKESTO COME UP

WITH IDEAS FOR STUFF,WHICH, AS HE PUTS IT,

"WOULD BE REALLY COOL,"

BUT HAS NO IDEAHOW TO MAKE IT.

THAT'S JUST AN ASS[bleep],EVERYBODY.

BUT HE INSISTS ON USINGTHE WORD "INVENTION."

LIKE, HE'LL BE LIKE, "DID I TELLYOU ABOUT MY NEW INVENTION?"

I'M LIKE, "NO.WHAT IS IT?"

"IT'S A CELL PHONETHAT DRIVES YOUR CAR FOR YOU."

I'M LIKE, "COOL.HOW DOES IT WORK?"

AND HE GOES, "YOU JUST PRESSA BUTTON ON THE PHONE,

AND IT DRIVES YOUR CAR."

LIKE, "YEAH, DICK,BUT HOW DO YOU GET THE PHONE

TO DO THAT?"

AND HE GOES,"YOU JUST PROGRAM IT.

YOU KNOW?"

LIKE, "WITH A HAND GESTURE?REALLY?

ARE YOU SPRINKLINGFAIRY DUST ON THE PHONE?"

AND THEN HE GETS MAD AT ME.HE'S LIKE, "[bleep] YOU.

YOU DON'T LIKEMY INVENTION."

IT'S LIKE, "NO,I LOVE YOUR INVENTION.

"I ALSO LOVESLIDING DOWN A RAINBOW

"INTO A POT OF GOLD.

IT'S NOT POSSIBLE, MAN."

I TOLD HIMI HAVE AN INVENTION.

"IT'S A TOILETTHAT SENDS EMAILS

AND MAKESTURKEY SANDWICHES."

AND HIS ANSWER, I SWEAR TO GOD,WHEN I TOLD HIM, WAS,

"THAT'SA [bleep] AWESOME INVENTION."

LIKE, NO, IT'S NOT.

IT'S NOT--IT'S NOT REAL.

YOU CAN'T JUST SAY IT.

THANK YOU, GUYS,VERY MUCH.

YOU WERE GREAT.THANKS.

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