The Manbirds

  • Season 1, Ep 14
  • 11/17/2010

Manbird season hits New York City, and Mark finds himself the guardian of a fledgling separated from its flock.

I THOUGHT WE MIGHT TRYA FIELD TRIP

TO THE MUSEUMOF NATURAL HISTORY,

CHECK OUTTHE MANBIRD EXHIBIT.

WHAT SAY, GANG?

- TECHNICALLY,HE CAN HAVE US DEPORTED.

- SURE.- SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

- LET'S TO DO THIS.- [squeaks]

- I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKEWEARING THE LEASH, DOUG.

I CERTAINLY DON'T LIKEHOLDING THE LEASH.

SO HOW ABOUT A PROMISETO STAY WITH THE GROUP?

- MMM.

- THEY'RE ALL GONE.

PHASE ONE COMPLETE.

[car horn honking]

- [over recording]MANBIRDS ORIGINATE

FROM A LANDMASSIN THE SOUTH PACIFIC,

WHICH THE LOCALS CALLSCROT-CHEESE ISLAND.

IT WAS THERE,DURING THE SPRING OF 1967,

THAT HONEYMOONINGNEW YORK CABBIE VIC CAMINETTI

DECIDED TO BRINGTWO OF THEM HOME

BECAUSE HE FOUND THEM,"HILARIOUS AS BALLS."

[recording beeps]

THE QUICKLY DIVORCED CAMINETTI

OUTFITTED THEMWITH PROPER FOOTWEAR

AND FED THEM SPARE CHANGE,

PERMANENTLY ALTERING

THEIR ABNORMALLY ADAPTABLEDIGESTIVE SYSTEMS

TO NOW REQUIRE A STRICT DIETOF PENNIES, DIMES, AND NICKELS.

[recording beeps]

CAMINETTIALSO TAUGHT THE BIRDS

THEIR TRADEMARKCOLORFUL EXPRESSIONS.

PRESS THE BUTTONTO HEAR A FEW.

- SUCK MY BALLS!

PUT YOUR CHEEKSINTO IT!

I'M GONNABANG YOUR MOUTH!

- YOU CAN ONLY WONDERWHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED

HAD THE MANBIRDBEEN BROUGHT OVER

BY SOMEBODYMORE SOPHISTICATED.

- EAT MY CHEESE!

GIVE ME A SQUIRT!

- OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.YOU'RE GONNA BREAK IT.

[recording beeps]

- MANY PEOPLE MISTAKETHE LONG, TUBULAR APPENDAGE

HANGING FROM THE CROTCHFOR THEIR GENITALIA.

HOWEVER, IT IS MERELYA PROTECTIVE FLAP,

KNOWN AS THE SHEATH,

GUARDING THEIR TINY,HIDEOUS SEX ORGANS FROM DANGER,

SUNBURN, AND MOCKERY.

- EW!- OH, BOY.

- HEAVIER THAN IT LOOKS.

OKAY, FOLKS,THAT'S LUNCH.

WHO WANTS A HOT DOG?

OKAY, EVERYONE,COUNT OFF.

- ONE.- TWO.

- ONE.- TWO.

- IS ONE.

- WELL, LET ME GUESS.

- OOH, OOH!

[trash cans banging]

[wings fluttering]

[squeals]

- SUCK MY BALLS!

[tires screech]

- [whimpering]

thwap!

- LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOTA PURSE SNATCHER.

- BOSS, YOU CAN'T USE A SHOTGUNIN THE CITY.

- WELL, THEN IT LOOKS LIKETHE BIG DOG'S COMING OUT.

[zipper unzips]

AND BY "BIG DOG,"I MEAN MY [bleep].

AND BY "[bleep],"I MEAN MY PENIS.

YAH![laughs]

- I HAVEN'T SEEN OLD BLUEIN 25 YEARS.

AND BY "OLD BLUE,"I MEAN [bleep].

- [squawks]

[blows landing]

[fabric ripping]

- AH!- [whimpers]

- YOU'LL RUE THE DAY

I EVER TOOK MY PANTS OFF.

- [whistling]

DOUG?

- [grunting]

- GRIMES!

[blows landing]

NO!

- [groans]

- [grunting]

[laughing maniacally]

- [weakly]GOBBLE MY KNOB!

[vomiting]

- DEAR GOD, NO.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

- YOU KILLED HIM.

- NOT HIM.THAT'S A FEMALE.

I HADN'T NOTICEDTHE SLIGHTLY SMALLER TESTICLES.

- HOLY...

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

- IT'S LIKE A BURNING SKUNKDIPPED IN DIARRHEA.

- SHE RELEASED HER DEATH SPRAYALL OVER MY PENIS

TO ALERT THE MALESIN HER FLOCK.

[manbirds shouting]

- SUCK MY BALLS!

- SWALLOW MY KNOB!

- I'M A MARKED MAN,

UNTIL I FIND HER MATEAND KILL HIM.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,LET ME IN!

- SORRY, BOSS.

YOU KNOWWE CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU'RE DEAD TO US NOW.

[tires squealing]

- IT'S 1987ALL OVER AGAIN.

[manbirds shouting]

- IF I DIDN'T SEE THATTHIS MORNING!

- HEY, PUT YOUR PANTS ON.

- YEAH, I'M GONNA BE THERE.

- YES!

both: ♪ WHERE I'M NO FUNANYMORE ♪

- NO, OKAY,YOU'RE GIVING ME CROSBY,

AND I'M LOOKING FOR NASH.

THIS IS WHERE I AM.

[low voice] AND THIS IS WHEREYOU NEED TO BE.

CAN YOU MAKE THAT SOUND, PLEASE,RIGHT NOW?

both: ♪ HAHH

- THERE IT IS.LOCK IT IN.

both: ♪ IT'S GETTINGTO THE POINT ♪

- NO.WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WE HAD THIS.

- WHAT THE [bleep]ARE YOU DOING?

- I COULD EASILY ASK YOUTHE SAME QUESTION.

- THIS IS MY ROOF GARDEN.

I COME UP HEREFOR TRANQUILITY.

NOT TO LISTENTO A COUPLE OF GAY-LORDS

SCREECH AND PISSALL OVER EACH OTHER.

- IN ONE SHORT WALK HOME.

I HAVE PROVEN THAT MANBIRDS

CAN HAVE THE VULGARITYTRAINED COMPLETELY OUT OF THEM.

- YOU UNDERSTANDHOW DANGEROUS IT IS

TO SEPARATE A MANBIRDFROM ITS FLOCK, RIGHT?

- HE'LL FLY OFFWHEN HIS WINGS GROW.

HE'LL BE GONE BY MORNING.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT'S EVENCOMING FROM AT THIS POINT.

[manbirds shouting]

- I'M GONNA BANG YOUR MOUTH!

- SUCK MY BALLS!

- WITHOUT THE D.O.I.TO KEEP THEM OUT,

MANBIRDS ARE SWARMINGINTO THE CITY.

- I WOULD LIKETO PROPOSE A TOAST.

TO PURE EVIL.

MAY NOTHING STANDIN ITS PATH

OR DETER IT FROM ITS--

SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEENA LIMO DRIVER?

[partition whirring]

THIS IS GONNA BEA LONG RIDE.

- [sighs]

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHTSTILL BE HERE.

- [chewing]

- I WAS UP ALL NIGHTKNITTING THESE.

MULBERRY IS A SURPRISINGLY HARDSHADE OF PURPLE YARN TO FIND.

[kissing noises]

- THAT MAY BETHE SINGLE MOST DISGUSTING THING

I'VE EVER SEEN.

- WHAT,DO YOU LIVE UP HERE NOW?

IT'S CALLED COMPASSION.

- NO, MY ENTIRE STABLE

TOOK TURNS PISSING ON HIS HEADALL MORNING.

[manbirds shouting]

[speed bag thudding]

- WHAT IS ALL THIS?

- COCKFIGHTINGIS HUGE COIN, DUDE,

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GETTO THE UPPER ECHELONS.

- YOU'RE A MANBIRD TRAINER NOW.

- YOU INVITED THIS PLAGUEON OUR ROOF.

I'M PLAYING THE HANDI WAS DEALT.

- SUCK MY BALLS!

PUT YOUR CHEEKS INTO IT!

- MR. CAMINETTI, HI.

GRIMES TOLD MEYOU MIGHT BE ABLE

TO HELP ME FINDALBERT'S FATHER.

- [vomits]

- VOMIT, CLASSIC.

MANBIRDS USE97% OF THEIR BRAIN CAPACITY

WITHIN THE FIRST 48 HOURSOF LIFE.

SO BASICALLY,YOU RUINED THE BUTT-SCAB

AS SOON AS YOU TAUGHT HIMTO SING.

- MAYBE I COULD TEACH HIMTO SPEAK MANBIRD.

- MANBIRDIS THE MOST DIFFICULT

AND LEAST POPULAR LANGUAGEON THE PLANET.

THERE'S OVER 500 VARIATIONSOF THIS PHRASE ALONE.

SAY IT LOUD.SAY IT PROUD.

- [hisses]SUCK MY BALLS.

AH!

- YOU JUST CALLED MY FATHERA COWARD.

- SUCK MY...BALLS!

- NOW YOU'RE ASKINGFOR SALAD.

YOU'LL COMEEIGHT TIMES A WEEK

FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS,

TWICE ON SUNDAYS.

GONNA BEA LOT OF THROAT WORK.

FEEL THE WAYMY LARYNX VIBRATES.

SUCK MY BALLS!

SUCK MY BALLS!

SUCK MY BALLS!

FEEL THAT?

- OOH, YEAH,A LOT OF RESONANCE THERE.

CAN YOU JUST EXCUSE MEFOR ONE QUICK SECOND?

OKAY, ALBERT,

THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOINGBACK INTO THAT MAN'S APARTMENT,

SO I'M GOING TO ASK YOUTO LISTEN TO TRACK 35

ON MY RECENTLY PURCHASEDPLAYLIST.

- ♪ BORN FREE

♪ AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS

- STILL FIGHTINGA FLATNESS ISSUE

ON THE BREAKS,

BUT YOUR PHRASINGIS COMING ALONG VERY NICELY.

- ♪ FOLLOW YOUR HEART

[sweet lullaby music]

- [whimpering]

YOU FLY FREE,LITTLE MANBIRD.

[wings fluttering]

- OH!

[groans]

- THAT'S TROUBLE.

- YOU THREW HIMOFF THE ROOF?

I THOUGHT YOU WEREA SOCIAL WORKER!

- HE LOOKED READY.

CLEARLY, HE WASN'T.

[cymbals crashing]

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