Hell for the Holidays

  • Season 1, Ep 11
  • 10/27/2010

Mark and Randall spend Halloween with Callie's family, and Leonard tries to find people to live in a haunted house.

[flames whooshing]

- [crying]

- WE ARE STANDING ON THE FLOOR

OF ONE OF THE ONLY FOUR

STILL-ACTIVE DEMONICMANUFACTURING PLANTS

IN THE CONTINENTALUNITED STATES.

AS YOU CAN SEE,VERY LABOR-INTENSIVE.

- [squealing]

[steam hissing]

- NICE AND EVIL.

- FROM HERE,THE NEWLY MINTED DEMONS

GO TO THE COOLING VATS,RIGHT, CALLIE?

- THAT'S CORRECT, MARK.

THEN IT'S OFFFOR A RIGOROUS INSPECTION

BY A MASTER DEMON MAKER

WHO WILL CHECKFOR LUNACY, STRENGTH,

AND GENITALIA BARBING.

- TEACHER, WHEN FORTO GET SHOPPING AGAIN,

IN NEW HELL?

- ONCE AGAIN, PEOPLE,

NO MORE QUESTIONSABOUT SHOPPING

UNTIL AFTER THE TOUR.

- [screaming]

- AND SO AFTER A LONG SERIESOF BAD INVESTMENTS,

CONTROLLING SHARES OF HELL

MOVED OUT OF SATAN'S BLOODLINEENTIRELY

TO ITS CURRENT CEO,YAMAGUCHI ENTERPRISES, LTD.

- OH, THE SHOPPING MALL MAGNATE.

- CORRECT.

DADDY SAYSIF IT WEREN'T FOR THEM,

"HELL" WOULD STILL BEA FOUR-LETTER WORD.

OH, SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.

- HOPE YOU'RE RIGHTABOUT 2012, DAMEK.

WE'VE GOT A LOTRIDING ON THIS.

- SLAM DUNK, MY FRIEND.NO WORRIES.

- VALIDATE THIS MAN'S PARKING,WOULD YOU, CATHY?

CALLIE, SWEETHEART.

- OKAY,THAT CONCLUDES THE TOUR.

I THINK WE ALLLEARNED SOMETHING HERE TODAY.

YES, YOU CAN ALLGO SHOPPING NOW.

- OH, THANK GOD.

- DADDY, YOU REMEMBER MARK.- OF COURSE.

HOW COULD I FORGETTHE PLAINEST MAN IN THE WORLD?

I UNDERSTANDYOU'LL BE JOINING US

AT THE LAKE HOUSETHIS WEEKEND.

- YES, SIR.

I AM ALWAYS INTERESTEDIN LEARNING NEW CULTURES.

- NEW CULTURES.RIGHT.

I BET YOU GIVEONE HELL OF A TOAST.

- GOT TO GET A STICK FOR HIM.

EXCUSE ME.I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- WHAT DOES HE KNOW ABOUT...THE GAMES?

- VIRTUALLY NOTHING, SIR.

- [in demon voice]EXCELLENT.

RANDALL- I AM BEGGING YOU.PLEASE DO NOT SLEEP WITHCALLIE'S STEPMOM.

- THAT REMINDS ME.

I SHOULD REALLYGET STARTED ON DINNER.

- THANKSFOR MAKING THAT AWKWARD.

- HOW DID YOU MOVE THAT FAST?

- IT'S A BLESSINGAND A CURSE, REALLY.

YOU KNOW, PLUS I OFFERED HERA PART IN MY FILM.

- YOU'RE GONNA GET ME KILLEDTHIS WEEKEND, YOU KNOW THAT?

- SHE'LL PLAYTHE STREETWISE

PUERTO RICANSPECIAL NEEDS TEACHER.

[whispers] IF WE HAD MORE MONEY,IT WOULD BE ROSIE PEREZ.

- FEED ME!- FEED ME!

- I WOULD LIKETO WISH YOU ALL

A HAPPY AND EVIL SAMHAIN.

all: GOOD SAMHAIN, TWAYNE.

- I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO APOLOGIZEFOR MY MOTHER'S ABSENCE.

SHE'S NOT FEELING WELL.

- YEAH, SHE'S BEEN SUFFERINGFROM THE SAME "ILLNESS"

THE PAST THREE YEARS.

- I'LL PUT THESEIN SOME GOAT'S BLOOD RIGHT AWAY.

- I SHOULD BE GOING.

TOMORROW'S A BIG DAY.

- GOOD SAMHAIN, TWAYNE.

- [growling demonically]

- WHAT A YUTZ.

HE'S GOT NOTHING ON YOU.

WITH YOUR WONDERFUL TEETH,

YOU SMILE LIKEA CIGAR SHOP INDIAN.

- THANK YOU.

- YOU COULD SHOW A MOVIEON THOSE TEETH.

- YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRSTARRIVED HERE FOR DINNER,

I MUST ADMIT,I WAS WORRIED

ABOUT BEING POISONED OR...

- JESUS CHRIST.- FATTENED FOR SLAUGHTER.

YOU HAVE ALL BEEN VERY GRACIOUS,PUT ME AT EASE.

THANK YOU.

- TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW, HUH?

- OH, HE REALLY SUCKS THE AIROUT OF THE ROOM.

- NOW, IF YOU'LL HUMOR MEFOR JUST A MOMENT,

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCEMY NEW WIFE, SANDY.

all: HI, SANDY.

- HELLO, EVERYONE.

- IS SHE THE BOMB OR WHAT?

- I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND.

- THE NEW WIFE BURIESTHE OLD ONE ON SAMHAIN

AT MIDNIGHT.

- LET'S GET SOME PICTURES.

- HOW ABOUT ONEOF THE WHOLE CLAN?

- WITH SANDYABOUT TO STAB BROOKE

WITH A CARVING KNIFE.

- GREAT IDEA.

MARK, YOU TAKE IT.

all: CHEESE!

- I'M NOT TAKING THIS PICTURE.

[all groan]

- OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

- YOU'LL NOTICETHE CROWN MOLDING

WOULD SOMEBODY CARE TO EXPLAIN

WHY I'M LOOKINGAT A CLONE OF MYSELF?

- TRUTH BE TOLD, MARK,

I AM AS CONFUSED AS YOU ARE.

- IT'S MY FAULT.

I'M RESPONSIBLE.

I WANTED TO GIVE HIMA FIGHTING CHANCE, DADDY.

- FIGHTING CHANCE AT WHAT?

- NEVER MIND, MARK.

YOU'RE OUR GUEST,

AND HERE WE ARE,CLONING YOU WITHOUT PERMISSION.

IT WAS RUDE.

[grunting]

BETTER?

- UH-HUH.

- GOOD.

NOW COME WITH METO THE LAKE OF FIRE.

- [growling]

- STROKE, STROKE, STROKE,

STROKE.

[groaning]

[roars]

thwack!- [shrieks]

- LAVA GRUB, MARK?

- UH-UH.

- YOUR LOSS.[slurps]

[belches]

REPEAT.

[clears throat]SO YOU'RE TELLING ME

YOU HAD NO IDEATHAT YOU'RE BEING PREPARED

FOR THE SATANIC HIGH ORDER.

- I WAS NOT AWARE, NO.

- WELL, I AM SUPER SURPRISEDTO HEAR THAT.

YOU SEE, MARK,

YOU'RE TO FIGHT TWAYNETO THE DEATH

TOMORROW AFTERNOON.

- I CAN'T FIGHT TWAYNE.I'LL GET KILLED.

- WELL, THAT'S WHY CALLIEWAS GROWING THE GLADIATOR CLONE,

BEFORE YOU THREW ITBACK IN HER FACE.

- I'M SORRY, BUT THE ANSWERIS A RESPECTFUL NO.

- [grumbles]

BUT THE BLOOD COURTSHAVE ALREADY BEEN RESERVED.

PLUS IF YOU BACK OUT,

MY ENTIRE BLOODLINEWILL BE ELIMINATED.

- OH, MAN.

- I KNOW!OH, MAN.

[pebble pinging]

- [gasps]WHO IS IT? I'M A GOOD PERSON!

- [whispers]IT'S MARK LILLY FROM WORK.

- MY MOTHER WOULD HAVE A FITIF SHE KNEW

I WAS OUT HERE BAREFOOT.

[demonic roar]

NEVER MIND, MOMMY.GO BACK TO SLEEP.

IT'S JUST MY FRIEND MARKFROM WORK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- KIND OF A FUNNY STORY,REALLY.

APPARENTLY, CALLIE'S DADPITTED THE TWO OF US

IN A FIGHT TO THE DEATHFOR CALLIE'S AFFECTIONS.

- [growling demonically]

- I TAKE IT FROM THE DEATH GAZE,YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS

AND WOULD LIKE TO WIN.

- OH, VERY MUCH.

- SO HUDDLE UP.- OKAY.

- HERE'S THE PLAN.

[whispering indistinctly]

GO GO GO GO, CATCH IT, CATCH THEPICKLE!

- OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH!YEAH!

- I LIKE SOCCER!

- OH, MY GOD.

WHO SHOVED MY CLONEINTO THE GARBAGE CAN?

- NOW IT'S HIS CLONE.

- [groaning]

CAN SOMEONE AT LEASTHOLD THE CAN DOWN?

- EVERYTHING SQUAREDWITH TWAYNE?

- IT'S IN THE BAG.

- REALLY POOR CHOICE OF WORDS.

[demonic moans and screams]

- I CHALLENGE YOU,MARK LILLY,

IN A BATTLE TO THE DEATHIN BLOOD COURT NUMBER EIGHT.

- AND I ACCEPTYOUR CHALLENGE, SIR.

- [growling]

- WELL, LOOKWHO GREW SOME BALLS

TO GO WITH THOSE STRAIGHT,BEAUTIFUL TEETH OF HIS.

- HMM?- REALLY, REALLY CLEAN.

- AND CLASH AND STAB UP...- AND DIE.

OKAY, WHEN I FAKE MY DEATH...- YEAH?

- I'M GONNA STICK MY TONGUE OUT

AND GIVE THEMMY DEAD-EYED STARE.

LIKE THIS.

THEN YOU COME OVER

AND DRAMATICALLY CLOSEMY EYELIDS.

- CHECK.

AND THEN I PUT MY FOOTON YOUR CHEST

AND SCREAM LIKE THIS.

[roars demonically]

- HMM, IF YOU MUST.

- ANYBODY SEEN MY COZY?

[cheers and applause]

[squelching]- GROSS.

IS IT SO HARD FOR PEOPLETO CLEAN UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

- IT'S THE FOURTH DEATH MATCHOF THE DAY.

SUNDAYS ARE...

SUNDAYS ARE BRUTAL.

- OKAY, THIS THING'SGONNA BE OVER QUICK,

SO I'M GONNA NEEDALL YOUR P.I.N. NUMBERS

FOR AFTER HE KILLS YOU.

LOOK, I KNOW MY FIGHTER.

YOU'LL WANT TO KNOWI'M TAKEN CARE OF.

PLUS MY FILM IS DEAD,AND I'M 40 GRAND IN THE HOLE.

[bell dings]NOW, GO GET HIM!

- I'VE THOUGHT IT OVER,

AND I DECIDEDTO KILL YOU AFTER ALL.

NO HARD FEELINGS, 'KAY?

- WAIT, WHAT?

- [blows whistle]

- AGH!

- [gasps]

[squelching]

[applause]- BORING.

[squelching]

- OOF, GOOD THINGI MADE A SIDE BET.

- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU TOO.

- I THOUGHTYOU WERE GOING TO FAKE IT.

- LOOK, THERE'S ONLY SO MUCHI CAN CONTROL

WHEN IT COMES TO SLAUGHTER.

YOU WANT SOME?

HE'S REALLY GOOD.

- I'M NOT HUNGRY!

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