CC Presents: Carol Leifer

  • 03/20/2003

Carol Leifer: THANK YOU,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD EVENING.

WHAT A GREAT CROWD.

ARE YOU IN A GREAT MOOD?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TERRIFIC.

I AM IN A FANTASTIC MOOD

TONIGHT.

I'M WEARING A NEW PERFUME.

HMMM.

YEAH, THAT I SHOULD RECOMMEND

ACTUALLY TO THE WOMEN IN THE

AUDIENCE.

IT'S CALLED "TESTER."

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOU KNOW IT SMELLS DIFFERENT

EVERY TIME YOU USE IT.

(LAUGHTER)

SO, HOW GREAT TO BE HERE?

I FLEW IN YESTERDAY.

OH, MY GOD, KENNEDY AIRPORT.

WHAT A MESS.

GOD-- ALL OVER YOU.

AND THOSE DOPY SECURITY

QUESTIONS.

"DID YOU RECEIVE ANY GIFTS

FROM ANY UNKNOWN PERSONS?"

(LAUGHTER)

"BUDDY, THE LAST THING I GOT

FROM AN UNKNOWN PERSON WAS IN

THE 80s."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

OH, BUT, THEN YOU READY FOR

THIS?

DRIVING INTO THE CITY TONIGHT,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GOT PULLED

OVER FOR SPEEDING.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I DID THE OLD...

"OFFICER.

I DON'T THINK SOMEONE AS BIG

AND STRONG AS YOU WANTS TO GIVE

LITTLE OLD ME A TICKET NOW,

DO YOU?"

AND SHE LET ME GO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OH, BUT MAN, STAND UP COMEDY--

I LOVE THIS JOB.

AND I GOTTA TELL YA FOLKS,

KNOCK WOOD, IT'S BEEN WORKING

OUT, 'CAUSE I WAS ONE OF THOSE

KIND OF PEOPLE, EVEN WHEN I HAD

A REGULAR JOB I COULDN'T EVEN

LIKE CALL IN SICK RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW I WAS LIKE.

"HELLO.

I CAN'T COME IN TODAY.

I HAVE SCURVY.

(LAUGHTER)

(COUGHS)

OH, BUT I'LL TELL YOU THOUGH.

LADIES, WOMEN IN THE WORK PLACE?

OH, WE STILL HAVE BIG STRIDES

TO MAKE.

YOU READY FOR THIS?

GIRLFRIEND OF MINE JUST GOT

A NEW JOB.

FIRST QUESTION THE NEW BOSS

ASKED HER WAS IF SHE COULD MAKE

A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE.

YEAH, SHE STORMED RIGHT OUTTA

THAT STARBUCKS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHEW.

BUT I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW

THRILLING THIS IS TONIGHT.

I MEAN, TO HAVE MY OWN SPECIAL.

ACTUALLY THE LAST FEW YEARS,

I'VE BEEN WRITING FOR

TELEVISION, SO I'VE STAYED AWAY

FROM STANDUP.

BUT IT'S SO GREAT TO BE BACK.

AND ACTUALLY, TONIGHT, I HAVE

NOT DONE A STAND-UP SPECIAL,

IN, IT'S GOTTA BE 10 YEARS.

YEAH.

SO IT'S SO GREAT TO BE HERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH, TEN YEARS.

TIME FLIES THOUGH, HUH?

BUT I FEEL YOUNG AND DO YOU KNOW

I STAY FEELING YOUNG, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN?

I'LL SHARE MY SECRET WITH YOU.

I LIVE IN A SENIOR CITIZEN

RETIREMENT COMMUNITY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

GUESS WHO'S GETTIN' ALL

THE LOOKS AT THE POOL?

(LAUGHTER)

AND HERE WE ARE IN BEAUTIFUL

TIMES SQUARE.

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH?

(CHEERS)

YEAH, THEY HAVE CLEANED IT UP.

I HAVE NOTICED THAT BECAUSE

MY FIRST APARTMENT WAS HERE

YEARS AGO.

ON, MY GOD, IT WAS SO

EMBARRASSING THE FIRST TIME

I HAD TO GIVE MY MOM DIRECTIONS

TO MY APARTMENT.

OKAY, NOW WHEN YOU SEE THE

PUSSYCAT THEATER WHERE THEY'RE

PLAYING LOVE WAD MAKE A LEFT.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW IF YOU SEE THE HOOKER

WITH A LIMP YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

NEW YORK CITY.

THE ONLY CITY WHERE PEOPLE CALL

IN AND MAKE RADIO REQUESTS LIKE,

"YEAH, THIS IS FOR TINA.

I'M SORRY I STABBED YOU."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M ORIGINALLY THOUGH,

FROM LONG ISLAND.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LOOK AT THAT.

PEOPLE FROM LONG ISLAND.

WOW.

DO YOU KNOW, UM...

CLIFF?

LONG ISLAND.

IF YOU'RE FROM OUT OF TOWN

HOW WOULD I DESCRIBE IT?

WELL, EVERY GIRL IN MY

NEIGHBORHOOD LOOKS LIKE KENNY G.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I AM OF THE JEWISH PERSUASION.

(CHEERS)

LOOK AT THAT.

JEWS IN THE HOUSE.

WHAT CAN I TELL YOU ABOUT

MY PEOPLE, JEWS?

WE ARE A THRIFTY BUNCH.

I WOULD SAY THAT.

LIKE TAKE FOR EXAMPLE YOUR

AVERAGE HOTEL MINI-BAR.

RIGHT?

SEE MOST PEOPLE AN ENDLESS

SOURCE OF SNACKS AND

REFRESHMENTS.

TO JEWS, NOTHING BUT A

CONVERSATION PIECE.

(LAUGHTER)

AS WE GATHER AROUND IT,

YOU KNOW, MESMERIZED BY THAT

PRICE LIST.

WOW.

(LAUGHTER)

CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT THEY HAVE

THE NERVE TO CHARGE FOR A

(BLEEP)-DAMN SNICKER'S BAR?

(LAUGHTER)

BASTARDS.

WHAT ELSE CAN I TELL YOU ABOUT

MY PEOPLE?

WE HAVE A LOWER INCIDENCE

OF SUICIDE.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

SURE, WHY NOT?

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHY

STATISTICALLY?

MY ONLY HUNCH WOULD BE THAT

IN OUR DEEPEST, DARKEST HOUR

THERE'S ALWAYS SOME VOICE.

IT'S LIKE "OH, MY GOD.

I HATE MY LIFE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I DON'T WANNA GO ON.

OH, LOOK.

CAKE.

Carol Leifer: SO WHAT ELSE

IS GOING ON?

OH, I WAS CHECKING MY E-MAIL

TODAY.

OH, MAN, I GET A LOTTA JUNK

E-MAIL.

ISN'T IT ANNOYING?

CLUTTERS EVERYTHING UP.

I'M STARTING TO SENSE A THEME

THOUGH.

APPARENTLY THERE'S A LOT OF

PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT WANNA MAKE

MY PENIS THREE INCHES LONGER.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO I'VE BEEN TRAVELING A LOT.

I WAS WORKING RECENTLY IN

LONDON.

WHAT A THRILL.

YEAH, BUT I WASN'T USED TO THEIR

MONEY THOUGH, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I

BOUGHT THIS REALLY DECADENT BOX

OF CHOCOLATES.

THE CASHIER SAID "THAT WILL BE

TEN POUNDS."

I'M LIKE "RUB IT IN, WHY DON'T

YA?

(LAUGHTER)

THEN I WAS OVER THERE IN

WILLIAMSBURG, VIRGINIA.

YEAH, YOU EVER GO THERE?

IT'S KINDA ANNOYING.

EVERYTHING'S COLONIAL.

BUT YOU KNOW IT'S AMAZING

WHAT WE WORE BACK IN THE 1700s.

YOU KNOW ESPECIALLY MEN WITH

LIKE THE KNICKERS AND THE FRILLY

SHIRTS AND THE POWDERED WIGS.

MAKES YOU THINK THOUGH, JEEZ,

WHAT DID THE GAY GUYS WEAR

BACK THEN?

(LAUGHTER)

OH, AND THEN I WAS OVER THERE

IN HAWAII.

YEP, I WAS THERE ON THE

BIG ISLAND.

THE BIG ISLAND, THAT NAME CRACKS

ME UP.

FIRST OF ALL IT'S NOT THAT BIG.

SO I'M PRETTY SURE A GUY CAME UP

WITH THAT NAME.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HAD SOME NICE DINNERS OUT IN

HAWAII.

YOU KNOW WHAT BUGS ME THOUGH?

WHEN YOU ORDER A BOTTLE

OF WINE OUT, WHY IS IT ALWAYS

SUCH A PRODUCTION?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WITH THE LIST, AND THE CORK.

AND THE GUY WAITS AROUND,

HE STANDS THERE WHILE YOU TASTE

IT.

NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY,

YOU KNOW.

YOU JUST FEEL LIKE SUCH

AN IDIOT.

YEAH, THAT SHOULD GET ME

HAMMERED.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, THIS IS FUN.

I WENT TO A NUDE BEACH

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

YOU EVER BEEN TO A NUDE BEACH?

THOUGHT IT WOULD BE ALL SEXY

AND HOT.

OH, MY GOD, WHAT A FLABBER FEST.

(LAUGHTER)

EVERYBODY WHO SHOULDN'T BE NAKED

IS NAKED.

DIDN'T WANNA MAKE ME TAKE OFF

MY CLOTHES, MADE ME WANNA TAKE

OUT MY CONTACTS.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

HOW SHOULD I PUT THIS?

WHALES WERE PUSHING PEOPLE

BACK IN THE WATER.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH

YOU GUYS IN THE AUDIENCE.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE LYING THERE

AND YOU'RE RELAXED BEACH MODE...

NOT YOUR BEST SIDE.

UH-UH.

IT'S LIKE NICE HAM AND EGGS

YOU GOT THERE, JIM.

(LAUGHTER)

WANNA THROW THOSE BACK IN

THE SKILLET AND TAKE 'EM OUT

WHEN THEY'RE FULLY COOKED?

Carol Leifer: YOU KNOW WHAT

KILLS ME ABOUT JENNIFER LOPEZ?

THE FACT THAT THIS WOMAN

WAKES UP ONE DAY AND SHE'S LIKE

"YOU KNOW WHAT?

FROM NOW ON, I WOULD LIKE PEOPLE

TO CALL ME J-LO."

AND THEN THEY DO IT.

I MEAN, ONLY A CELEBRITY CAN GET

AWAY WITH THIS.

YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, GEORGE BUSH DOESN'T

COME OUT FOR HIS MORNING PRESS

CONFERENCE, "FROM NOW ON I WOULD

LIKE TO BE REFERRED TO AS G-BOO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU ALL KNOW MY VICE PRESIDENT,

DOG CHAIN.

COME ON OUT HERE, DOG CHAIN."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HATE GOING OUT TO MOVIES THOUGH,

'CAUSE I CANNOT STAND WHEN

PEOPLE TALK BACK TO THE SCREEN.

OH, THIS IS SO ANNOYING.

AND THIS USED TO HAPPEN TO ME

WHEN I LIVED BACK IN NEW YORK.

YOU KNOW?

LIKE I REMEMBER GOING TO SEE

"THE BLOB" IN THIS REALLY ETHNIC

NEIGHBORHOOD.

AND WHEN THE BLOB STARTED EATING

PEOPLE, THIS PUERTO RICAN WOMAN

YELLED OUT, "OH.

THAT BLOB IS SO HUNGRY."

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

THE CRAPIER THE BETTER.

I WAS WATCHING MAURY POVICH

THE OTHER DAY.

HE HAD THESE PEOPLE ON WHO SAY

THEY'VE HAD NEAR-DEATH

EXPERIENCES.

I LOVE THIS.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED?

THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING.

"I REMEMBER SEEING THIS REALLY

BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT."

IT'S LIKE OF COURSE,

YOU PINHEAD, IT'S THE PARAMEDIC

LOOKING IN YOUR PUPILS WITH

A PENLIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)

OPRAH WINFREY.

WATCHING HER THE OTHER DAY.

SHE HAD THIS GUY ON WHO WROTE

THIS BOOK CALLED, "THE SECRETS

OF MAKING LOVE TO A WOMAN."

YEAH, GUYS, SAVE YOUR MONEY.

OKAY SEE MAKING LOVE TO A WOMAN

IS LIKE BUYING REAL ESTATE.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE'S ANOTHER THING I'VE NEVER

UNDERSTOOD, LINGERIE.

WOMEN STOP BUYING THE LINGERIE.

STOP BUYING IT RIGHT NOW.

OH, IT'S A BIG RIP OFF.

OH, MY GOD.

18 BUCKS FOR PANTIES THIS BIG.

(LAUGHTER)

COME ON.

ONE TRIP THROUGH THE DRYER

AND IT'S A FRILLY BOOKMARK.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

AND WHEN DO WE PUT ON

THE LINGERIE?

ALWAYS AT THE BEGINNING

OF THE RELATIONSHIP, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH.

FIRST COUPLE OF MONTHS,

YOU KNOW.

STRUTTIN' AROUND THE BEDROOM

WEARING A TEDDY.

YEAH, SIX MONTHS LATER YOU'VE

STOPPED SHAVING YOUR LEGS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOU LOOK LIKE A TEDDY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SEE THAT'S WHY I THINK IF YOU

WANNA KNOW IF YOUR GUY IS HOT

FOR YOU, YOU DON'T PUT ON

LINGERIE, NO WAY.

YOU PUT ON THE BIG GRANDMA

UNDERWEAR.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

WHITE COTTON JOBBIES, ELASTIC UP

TO HERE.

YEAH.

ON THE WEEKENDS, DOUBLES AS A

WEDDING TENT.

YOUR GUY COMES OUT YOU'RE

WEARING THAT STUFF.

HE'S A KEEPER.

THERE'S ANOTHER THING I'VE NEVER

UNDERSTOOD, HOW COME MEN HAVE

NIPPLES?

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT'S THE POINT?

YOU KNOW THEY'RE LIKE PLASTIC

FRUIT.

(LAUGHTER)

Carol Leifer: SO I'LL TELL YOU

A LITTLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF.

LIKE A LOT OF WOMEN I'M

BISEXUAL.

(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

YEP.

ONCE I HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

BYE?

SEE YA.

(APPLAUSE)

SEE, I THINK THE BEST THING

ABOUT BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP IS

WHEN YOU CAN JUST BE YOURSELF,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE IF YOU ARE TALKING TO

YOUR PARTNER AND THEY HAVE

REALLY BAD BREATH.

OR VISE VERSA.

WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE ENOUGH

THAT YOU COULD GO, "OH, GOD.

HONEY, YOUR BREATH IS LIKE

SO BAD I CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

NO, REALLY.

TAKE A PIECE A GUM, I'M TAKING

A WALK AROUND THE BLOCK.

YOU KNOW THAT'S NICE.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITH

A STRANGER.

EVER BEEN IN THAT SITUATION?

TALKING TO SOMEBODY REAL CLOSE,

TERRIBLE BREATH.

CAN'T SAY ANYTHING SO YOU JUST

COORDINATE YOUR BREATHING.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW YOU GOTTA BREATHE OUT

THE WHOLE TIME THEY'RE TALKING.

IT'S LIKE, "HUH-HUH, YES.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SEE, I THINK YOU KNOW YOU'RE

CLOSE TO SOMEBODY IF YOU CAN

WALK OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND

GO, "YOU DON'T WANNA GO IN THERE

FOR A WHILE."

(LAUGHTER)

(INHALING THROUGH MOUTH)

(EXHALING THROUGH MOUTH)

THOSE AUTOMATIC FLUSH TOILETS.

IS IT JUST ME?

I DON'T LIKE THEM.

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

I RATHER ENJOY DOING MY OWN

FLUSHING.

IT'S A CERTAIN SENSE OF

ACCOMPLISHMENT, ISN'T IT?

I DID IT.

I'LL TAKE IT AWAY.

(FLUSHING NOISE)

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, I DON'T LIKE THEM.

THEY MAKE ME PARANOID.

'CAUSE I'M ALWAYS WONDERING LIKE

HOW DOES IT KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

I JUST PICTURE THERE'S

A PEEPHOLE WITH 30 MIDGETS

CRAMMED UP AGAINST IT.

(LAUGHTER)

"YEAH, I THINK SHE'S DONE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OR-- THIS IS FUN.

DO YOU EVER GET UP TO GO

AND IT DOESN'T FLUSH?

OOH, THERE'S A PANICKY MOMENT.

START FREAKING OUT.

UM-UM, IS THERE A MINIMUM

OR SOMETHING?

(LAUGHTER)

THEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO,

YOU KNOW.

SUDDENLY YOU'RE LIKE

MARCEL MARCEAU IN THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

MAKE SURE THE TOILET KNOWS

YOU'RE LEAVING.

BEEN THINKING ABOUT HAVING

A BABY.

YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

BUT IF I WANNA DO IT I'D HAVE TO

DO IT SOON 'CAUSE IT'S GETTING

NEAR CLOSING TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, YEAH.

YEAH, THE CLOCK IS TICKING.

MY GYNECOLOGIST SAID IF I WANTED

TO HAVE A BABY, I WOULD HAVE

TO DO IT THE LATEST BY THE END

OF THIS SHOW.

(LAUGHTER)

SEE, BUT HERE'S THE THING,

I HAVE TO ADMIT, I AM AFRAID

OF THE PAIN OF CHILDBIRTH.

AND OTHER WOMEN WHO'VE BEEN

THROUGH LABOR, THEY'RE LIKE

A BIZARRE CULT.

'CAUSE THEY CAN NEVER REALLY

TELL YA, WHAT THE PAIN IS LIKE.

YOU KNOW LIKE I'LL ASK THEM

"OKAY, SO IS IT LIKE REALLY,

REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BAD

CRAMPS?"

THEY JUST GIVE YOU THAT,

"OH, NO, GRASSHOPPER.

(LAUGHTER)

NO.

NO, YOU FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF.

(APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW WHAT BUGS ME THOUGH?

WHEN A WOMAN IS EXPECTING AND

THE BONEHEAD HUSBAND RUNS AROUND

GOING, WE'RE PREGNANT!

HEY, AIN'T IT GREAT?

WE ARE PREGNANT.

"WE'RE PREGNANT."

YEAH, AND MY BALLS ITCH, PAL.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT I DO PROMISE YOU THIS FOLKS,

ONE DAY IF I DO HAVE A BABY,

I WILL NOT PUT MY BABY ON THE

PHONE.

IS THIS THE MOST ANNOYING THING?

OH, MY FRIENDS WANT TO TALK

TO THE BABY.

SEE, APPARENTLY THE BABY

IS A REAL MOTOR MOUTH WHEN

THEY'RE NOT TALKING TO ME.

'CAUSE I GET ON THE PHONE,

WITHOUT FAIL, THIS IS ALL

YOU YEAR.

(BREATHING NOISES)

YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE AN OBSCENE BABY

PHONE CALL.

(BREATHING CONTINUES)

I'M NOT WEARIN' ANY PAMPERS.

(LAUGHTER)

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