Extended - Thursday, March 17, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 03/17/2016

Jenna Elfman, Yassir Lester and Nick Thune detail odd fight scenes, sum up #SpringBreakIn4Words and work for Waffle House's record label in this extended, uncensored episode.

NOW IT'S TIME TO BURN OURTONGUES ON THE GARBAGE SOUP OF

AMERICAN POLITICS FORPANDERDOME!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)HERE IS WHAT'S TRENDING TODAY,

ACCORDING TO YOUR MOM.

FIRST UP-- POP A CAP ON THATASS.

ACCORDING TO A "NEW YORK TIMES"INTERVIEW WITH TRUMP'S LONG-TIME

BUTLER, YOU CAN TELL WHAT KINDOF TRUMP WEATHER YOU'RE IN FOR

BY LOOKING AT HIS AMAZINGTECHNICOLOR MOOD CAP.

IF HE'S WEARING A WHITE CAP,DONALD'S IN A GOOD MOOD.

A RED MEANS DONALD'S IN A BADMOOD, AND ORANGE MEANS HE DOES

NOT HAVE A HAT ON.

(LAUGHTER)UH... COMEDIANS...

(APPLAUSE)WHAT ARE SOME OTHER COLOR-CODED

CAPS THE DONALD USES?

NICK THUNE.

>> IF HE'S WEARING A RASTA HAT,THEN, HE'S GOT MY VOTE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)JENNA ELFMAN.

>> IF HE'S WEARING A GOLDENCROWN, THEN WE KNOW HE WON THE

ELECTION, AND WE ARE SO FUCKED!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

POINTS. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NEXT UP-- IT BERNS A LITTLE.

BERNIE SANDERS IS ALWAYS LOOKINGOUT FOR THE LITTLE GUY LIKE...

(PERSON SCREAMING LOUDLY)...LIKE THIS...

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)SOMEONE SAW A MOUSE IN THE

STUDIO.

(LAUGHTER)HE'S ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR THE

LITTLE GUY.

WHEN, THIS SUNDAY, HE EMBRACEDDANNY DEVITO AT A RALLY IN ST.

LOUIS.

LOOK AT THIS!

>> HEY, DANNY.

>> HOW YOU DOING? HEY.

>> HEY. THANKS SO MUCH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: CAN I ASK YOU A

QUESTION?

LET ME ASK YOU ONE QUESTION.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THEYBOTH LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER'S

DADS?

(LAUGHTER)HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

(APPLAUSE)DEVITO INTRODUCED SANDERS AT A

RALLY OF FRENZIED BERNIE BABIES,WHERE HE HAD TO CLIMB UP ON THE

STEAMER TRUNK HE WAS PACKED INTO CLEAR THE PODIUM.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

COMEDIANS, SINCE THESE GUYS HAVEBEEN PALS FOREVER, WHAT WOULD

YOU CALL THEIR BUDDY MOVIE?

NICK THUNE.

>> GET SHORTY TO PAY FORUNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)JENNA ELFMAN.

>> O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?

OH, THERE YOU ARE!

I FORGOT HOW TINY YOU WERE!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)UH, BY THE WAY, BERNIE'S JUST

HOLDING HIM ABOVE...

HIS FEET ARE ACTUALLY DANGLINGBELOW.

>> LIKE HE CAUGHT A FISH.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

HE CAUGHT A FISH.

>> I GOT A DANNY DEVITO!

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: HE'S JUST, HIS

LITTLE FEET ARE KICKIN' DOWNTHERE.

NEXT UP, BROADS FOR HILLARY,BROADS FOR HILLARY.

EARLIER THIS WEEK WAS SUPERTUESDAY 3: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO,

AND HILLARY CLINTON WON FIVESTATES FOR DEPLOYING HER SECRET

WEAPON-- NOT YEARS OF EXPERIENCEIN CONGRESS AND THE STATE

DEPARTMENT-- A CAMEO ON BROADCITY! YAS, QUEENS!

(WHOOPING)UH... BROAD CITY'S AN AMAZING

SHOW-- YOU SHOULD WATCH IT IFYOU DON'T.

BUT HILLS KNOWS THAT SHE HAS TOFIGHT TRUMP'S CELEBRITY WITH

CELEBS OF HER OWN.

TAKE THIS CAMPAIGN SHE ROLLEDOUT DURING LAST WEEK'S

PRIMARIES.

"TEXT K-A-T-Y TO HILLARY FORAMERICA'S VOLUNTEER HOTLINE.

YOU MIGHT RECEIVE A MESSAGE FROMKATY PERRY!"

WHICH PROBABLY SAYS SOMETHINGLIKE, "CALL 911! SHE'S BREAKING

MY FUCKING HAND!"(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)SO... COMEDIANS, WHAT'S A

MESSAGE ANOTHER CELEB WOULDLEAVE TO THANK HILLARY

VOLUNTEERS?

YASSIR.

>> HEY, IT'S ME, TYLER PERRY,AND WE LOVE HILLARY.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH BECAUSE WEOWN SO MANY OF THE SAME

PANTSUITS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)POINTS.

NICHOLAS THUNE.

>> HEY. IT'S O.J.

(LAUGHTER)UM... THANK YOU SO MUCH,

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SUPPORTINGHILLARY, #IDIDIT,

#IKILLEDALOTOFPEOPLE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)JENNA ELFMAN.

>> HELLO. IT'S LENA DUNHAM.

IF YOU WERE ALREADY AGAINSTHILLARY FOR SEXIST REASONS,

THEN... (GRUNTS), YEAH, MYENDORSEMENT'S NOT GONNA HELP.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

>> THAT'S MY BOSS!

>> I-I LIKE HER.

>> I'M JUST...

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING)UH...

SPRINGTIME, THE FLOWERS ARE INBLOOM, BABY BIRDS CHIRP THEIR

SWEET MELODIES, THE SMELL OFJAGERMEISTER FILLS THE AIR, IT'S

SPRING BREAK...

(CHEERING, SHOUTING, APPLAUSE)...WHEN COLLEGES TAKE...

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUE)...UH, COLLEGES TAKE THE WEEK

OFF SO CODY'S AND BECKY'SEVERYWHERE CAN MAKE GRAVITY

BONGS IN MOTEL BATHROOMS ANDLEARN THINGS THEY DON'T TEACH

YOU IN COLLEGE, LIKE HOW TO NOTEND UP IN A FILM WHERE JAMES

FRANCO HAS DREADLOCKS.

UH, LIKE SO.

(LAUGHTER)SO IN HONOR OF THIS HIGH

HOLIDAY, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#SPRINGBREAKIN4WORDS,

#SPRINGBREAKIN4WORDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: POOL TOY TOOKVIRGINITY, OR: CANCUN JAIL?

KIND OF FUN.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

YASSIR.

>> DIDN'T NEED THIS CONDOM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JENNA ELFMAN.

>> I SUNBURNED MY TAINT.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, SHOUTING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

WHY WAS IT JUST OUT?

(LAUGHTER)NICK THUNE.

>> I MET MY WIFE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> I KNEW IT THE SECOND I SAW

HER TITS.

>> HARDWICK: YES. JENNA.

>> GOT TWO DIFFERENT STDS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)NICK THUNE.

>> HEPATITIS A...

B AND C.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YASSIR.

>> HOPEFULLY WE'RE NOT RELATED.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NICK.

>> I THINK NATE'S DEAD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JENNA.

>> THESE WARTS ARE NEW.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

IT'S TIME TO PLAY FIGHT FOR YOURRIGHT TO @MIDNIGHT.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)I THINK WE ALL KNOW THE

INTERNET IS CRAMMED TO THE BRIMOF ITS FILTHY HOLES WITH SEX,

BUT DID YOU ALSO KNOW IT'S KINDOF INTO VIOLENCE, TOO?

IT'S TRUE. I KNOW, IT'S CRAZY.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A TRULYBIZARRE FIGHT SCENE THAT'S BEEN

CLIPPED OUT FOR YOUTUBE, AND FOR250 POINTS, YOU HAVE TO ANSWER A

QUESTION ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST UP, THESE FIGHTERS WHOLIKE TO TAKE THEIR SWEET TIME.

♪ (FIERCE GRUNTING)

(LOUD GROWLING)(FIERCE GRUNT)

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)IT JUST...

IT GOES ON FOR, LIKE, 45MINUTES.

WHAT'S THE NEXT LINE FROM THISMOVIE?

JENNA.

>> THIS IS THE MANLIEST PORNFOREPLAY EVER!

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN I

ACTUALLY ACT IT OUT, DO YOU LIKETHAT?

OR SHOULD I STATE IT SIMPLY?

>> HARDWICK: I THINK IN THISCASE IT REALLY ADDED A DIMENSION

TO IT.

>> THANKS.

>> HARDWICK: AND I WAS... LIKE,YOU TOOK US THERE, AND THAT WAS

REALLY... THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.

>> DID I TAKE YOU TOO FAR,THOUGH?

>> HARDWICK: NO. NO, NO.

UH, YASSIR LESTER.

>> I TOLD YOU, MAN-- L'EGGO OFMY EGGO.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

NEXT UP, THIS CLASSIC WESTERNSHOWDOWN.

NEXT UP, THIS CLASSIC WESTERNSHOWDOWN.

HE CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT.

HE CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT.

WHAT IS THE TAGLINE OF THISMOVIE?

NICK.

>> COME SEE THE WILDEST WESTERNYOU'VE EVER SEEN--

BITCH SLAPCITY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JENNA.

>> THE SLAPPIEST PORN FOREPLAYEVER.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

ULTIMATELY, THAT'S WHAT THISALL...

YES, POINTS.

YASSIR.

>> UH, WATCH J.K. SIMMONS GETWHAT HE DESERVES IN WHIPLASH 2.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

>> THAT'S WORTH POINTS.

THAT... THAT COULD GET, LIKE, AMASSAGE FOR THAT ONE.

THAT WAS VERY GOOD.

>> HARDWICK: AND THIS DEATHSCENE FROM A KUNG FU CLASSIC.

>> AAH!

>> (SHOUTS)>> AAH!

(GROANS)(SHRIEKS)

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, IT...

I-I... IT WAS... THE SOUND WASLOW, I COULDN'T HOR... I

COULDN'T HEAR IT VERY WELL, SOWHAT DID THAT GUY SAY RIGHT

BEFORE HE DIED?

YASSIR.

>> I LOVED RUSH HOUR.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JENNA.

>> IN MY OBITUARY, SKIP THE DICKPUNCH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, POINTS.

NICK THUNE.

>> CAN YOU CLEAR MY BROWSERHISTORY?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT UP, THIS CLASSIC CLIP FROMSTAR TREK, BEFORE J.J. ABRAMS

MADE IT ALL HIGH-TECHY.

♪ >> (HISSING)

(GROWLS)(GRUNTS)

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN...

HE'S JUST...

HE'S JUST PISSING IT OFF.

THAT ACTUALLY WAS NOT SUPPOSEDTO BE FILMED, IT'S JUST ONE OF

THE EXTRAS GOT NEAR SHATNER'SWIG, UH...

IN YOUR BEST BAD SHATNERIMPRESSION, TAUNT YOUR OPPONENT.

YASSIR.

>> I TOLD YOU TO USEPRICELINE.COM.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

YEAH, EVEN BACK THEN.

JENNA.

>> IF YOU'RE A LADY ALIEN...

WE CAN FUCK AFTER WE FIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

>> WAS A GOOD ONE?

>> THAT'S...

>> HARDWICK: NICK.

>> I... DON'T...

DO IMPRESSIONS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, YEAH.

>> YEAH.

LOVED THAT.

LOVED THAT, TOP TO BOTTOM.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, THISKUNG FU MOVIE FROM THE COUNTRY

SYNONYMOUS WITH KUNG FU, TURKEY.

>> (SPEAKS TURKISH)(BOOMING)

>> (GRUNTING)>> HARDWICK: UH...

THOSE FRIGGING GUN PUNCHES.

WHAT IS THE TITLE OF THISTURKISH DELIGHT?

NICK.

>> WILD HOGS 4: IT'S TURKEYTIME.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YASSIR LESTER.

>> MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING INTURKEY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

NEXT UP, THIS...

THIS BOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER.

♪ >> (SPEAKS BENGALI)

(GRUNTING)>> HARDWICK: WHAT OSCAR

NOMINATION DID THAT GET?

JENNA.

>> BEST PEC-AMATOGRAPHY.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, YES, POINTS.

POINTS, VERY GOOD.

>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: VERY GOOD.

>> YES!

>> I CAN'T DO IT.

>> HARDWICK: YOU WERE TRYING TODO IT, I CAN'T DO IT EITHER.

YASSIR.

>> UH, BEST LOOK-ALIKE FOR MYMISSING FATHER.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

NICK.

>> UH, IT'S A TRICK QUESTION,CHRIS, BUT THANK YOU.

UM, IT WOULD NEVER BE NOMINATEDFOR AN OSCAR BECAUSE THERE ARE

NO WHITE MEN IN IT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, YEAH,POINTS.

POINTS.

NICK THUNE IS TAKING DOWN WHITESONE WHITE AT A TIME.

>> HEY, AS A 36-YEAR-OLD WHITEMALE, I KNOW THE STRUGGLE.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT THE HUMAN LIBRARY, AND I

SHOWED YOU ONE OF THEIR BOOKS,RIGHT THERE, WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE

SOME CRACKING IN IT.

UH, SO, COMEDIANS, SINCE ALLBOOKS COME WITH A BLURB, I ASKED

YOU TO WRITE HIS.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

JENNA ELFMAN, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> OKAY.

(CLEARS THROAT) INTERESTING IDEABUT I FOUND THE STORY DRAGGED IN

PARTS, SPECIFICALLY THE BALLS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

ESPECIALLY THAT GUY'S.

YASSIR LESTER.

>> HEY, IT'S ME, DAN BROWN.

MORE LIKE THE DA VINCI CHODE, AMI RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

NICK THUNE.

>> (SIGHS) THANKS, CHRIS.

DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS DICK.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

INTERESTING.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, IT'STIME TO PLAY ROCK THE WAFFLE

HOUSE.

ROCK THE WAFFLE HOUSE.

NORMALLY, THE JAM SERVED UP BYWAFFLE HOUSE COME FROM A HUGE

JAR IN THE BACK THAT NEEDED TOBE REPLACED MONTHS AGO, BUT

THEY'VE BEEN SERVING UP MUSICALJAMS RIGHT UNDER OUR GODDAMN

NOSES.

OR EARSES. WAFFLE HOUSE HASTHEIR OWN RECORD LAB... OH, YOU

KNOW THIS?

WAFFLE HOUSE HAS THEIR OWNRECORD LABEL, WHICH THEY'VE HAD

FOR 30 YEARS.

THEY'VE BEEN COOKING UP HOTSONGS LIKE "COLOR ME GONE."

>> ♪ SCATTERED, SMOTHERED,COVERED AND A CUP OF JOE

MAKE IT LARGE, TO GO♪ THEN THERE'S NO MORE HIGHWAY

LEFT TO CHASE ♪>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)THIS IS THE ONE TABLE AT WAFFLE

HOUSE THAT'S HAVING A GOOD TIME,AS OPPOSED TO THE OTHER SEVEN,

WHERE SOMEONE'S TAKING A NAPBEFORE THEIR CUSTODY HEARING.

UH... NOW THAT WE KNOW THATAMERICA'S FAVORITE BREAKFAST

HOME IS RELEASING SUCH HOTTRACKS, LET'S HELP 'EM OUT BY

COMING UP WITH SOME NEW MUSICALACTS WAFFLE HOUSE RECORDS CAN

SIGN.

IN 60 SECONDS. AND BEGIN.

YASSIR.

>> GHOSTFACE GRILLAH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YASSIR.

>> GRIDDLE WAYNE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NICK.

>> DIXIE FRIED CHICKEN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YASSIR.

>> WAFFLE IRON MAIDEN! COME ON!

(CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: YEAH,

THEY'RE-THEY'RE GIVING IT UP.

POINTS.

JENNA ELFMAN.

>> AC/DECAF.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YASSIR LESTER.

>> CANADIAN DRAKE-ON.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

OH, THE SWEETEST BACON OF ALL.

NICK THUNE.

>> THE LINKS, WITH THEIR HITSONG "M-M-MY MIMOSA."

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

JENNA ELFMAN.

>> THE ROLLING SCONES.

>> HARDWICK: YES, OF COURSE!

ABSOLUTELY.