The One with the Travel Stories

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 08/13/2014

Pete Holmes, Garfunkel and Oates, Brody Stevens and Rory Scovel join hosts Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani for a night of stand-up and horrible travel stories.

I'm off porn.I'm off pornography.

I felt some people groan.

That's fine, if you likepornography, it's not for anymoral or ethical reason.

If you like porn, go with God.

Yeah, get God involvedin that mess.

Uh, I had a good run. I enjoyedit for a good, long stint.

But even if you love porn,I think we can all agree...

when you're in your darkbedroom, no light exceptfor the laptop screen...

still wearing your fucking weirdDad-black socks...

and uh, you know, eh--

You're not--you're not at your best.

Can we agree that's not on thehighlight reel of your life?

Just kind of being like,"What if I was at the orgy?"

You're not...you're not there.

You're just doing dick theater.

You're trying to trickwith lotion, like "Eh--at the same time!"

It's fucking-- don't actlike you haven't done that,synching it up.

He looks like he's almost done.It's fucking pathetic.

Oh, you backed away for that?How dare you?

How dare you? I'm the onlyone that tried to synch upthe climaxes?

You fucking children!

You liars, how dare youlie as a group?

It's like-- all right, thisactually happened recently.

It's one of the reasons I wasall-- is I was jerking it toporn-- oh, god.

I was jerking it to the porn,and right when I came--I'm sorry.

But right when I came,I didn't give the orderto exclaim this...

but I came and just as I came,I went, "N'ah... not worth it!"

It just c--

You can just feelthat that's true, right?

There's no way I made that up.

I'm like, "Eh-- not worth it!"It just came out.

Not worth it, not feelinglike a piece of shit all day.

Eh-- it was in the morning, too.It was in the morning.

I was like meeting friends.I was like, "I had a shame day."

You know what I mean?It's like a bad-- not worth it!

Do what my mom and dadand God say I should.

Go to church and Bible school,to live by God's rule.

So whatever people tell me,that the Bible tells me...

I will do.

Walk the halls of high schoolwith my purity ring.

Unlike those other girls,I got my morals in check.

It was easy to do,until I got a boyfriend...

and pardon my French,but he's cute as heck.

But I made a pact to keepmy hymen intact...

and Jesus and I are tight.

I've learned aboutthe birds and bees.

I was taught to keep an aspirinin between my knees.

'Cause the Bible sayspremarital sex is wrong.

But Jason says that guyscan't wait that long.

I don't want to lose himto someone who'll do him.

I need to figure something out.

Well, there's a loopholein the Scripture that worksreally well.

So I can get him offwithout going to Hell.

It's my Hail Mary,full of grace.

In Jesus' namewe go to fifth base.

Oh, thank youfor making me holy.

And thank you for giving meholes to choose from.

And since I'm not a God-lesswhore, he'll have to comein the back door.

Therefore fuck me in the ass,'cause I love Jesus.

The good lord wouldwant it that way.

Give him that sweet sensationof a throbbing rationalization.

It's just between you and me.

'Cause everyone knows it'sthe sex that God can't see.

Oh, there's more.

There's about two and a halfmore minutes to this song.

Now I'm praying to the powerthat's the highest.

But of all of my holes,this one's the driest.

But we can't procreateif we anally copulate.

And God's okay with sodomy,but only if you're straight.

And I'm staying hereno matter what.

So I'm okaywith everything but--

Everything but--everything but--

Whoa, fuck me in the ass,'cause I love Jesus.

The good lordwould want it that way.

Give me that sweet sensation ofan irrational rationalization.

It's just between you and me.

'Cause everyone knows it's thesex that God can't see.

Yeah, my chastity belthas locks...

but sometimes you needto think outside the box.

She wants to be a virgin,so I put it where she poops.

I love this song.I forgot about this song.

It was more complicatedthan I expected.

I wish I had a harmonica.

How about your mouth?

There's a kazoo over there.Do you want the kazoo?

Do it.Yeah, I feel like you need that.

You have to hum into it.

I thought nothing was missinguntil the kazoo came in.

Yeah.Now it's perfect.

Oh, you guys...that was beautiful.

That was genuinely beautiful.That was gorgeous.

That wasn't comedy beautiful,that was like moving.

Thank you.Thank you, Meltdown.

Thank you, Meltdown people.

No, no, come on,keep it going.

Those guys...come on, Meltdown.

I'm not kidding,let's set a record tonight.

Don't stop laughing.

Let's see if you can clapfor ten straight minutes.

I'll just tell the jokes.

Don't stop clapping.

If you don't like a joke,verbally boo out loud...

but do not stop clapping.

Everyone watching at homehates this moment.

They will never knowwhat it's like to be here.

Get a camera on me!

Stay the fuck out!You stay out!

Stay the fuck out of here!

This is our time!This is our time down here!

Get out of here, stool!

Get the fuck out of here!

Do not stop.Don't you fucking stop!

I hope someone's just nowturning to the channel.

They have no ideaof this set up.

Guys, seriously,I have jokes to tell.

I have jokes to tell.

I have jokes to tell.I have jokes to tell.

Always act like the mic cordis too in the way.

I have jokes.

I have done it!I have jokes.

I seriously have it.Come on, all right.

Keep it going.Do not st--

This is the longest applauseI have ever seen.

This is so great.

His whole set was the applause.Yeah, yeah.

Are you all serious right now?

Are you all beingserious right now?

You can go out.

I fucking love you guys.Good night!

Are you serious?Are you fucking serious?

All right, let me do an encore,let me do an encore.

Sit down, sit down.

Sit down.

Keep it going,I'll try to do one joke.

Uh... 911, in Europe,do they say 11-9?

You know they do,and it's disrespectful.

All right, you guys have beengreat. Thank you very much.

Good night.

I have never in my lifeseen anything like that.

Oh, my god.

That was amazing!

Are they stopping laughing?

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