Kill the Messenger

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 01/11/2010

Chris Rock comes up with a way to deal with rising gas prices, details the differences between John McCain and Barack Obama and shares the story of a family safari in Africa.

[APPLAUSE]

IT WAS A CRAZY TIME, MAN.

THIS IS THE TIME TO BE ON STAGE.

THIS IS THE TIME TO DO A

SPECIAL, MAN, BECAUSE THIS IS A

SPECIAL TIME.

A LOT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S RIGHT.

BIG ELECTION YEAR IN THE UNITED

STATES.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT AIN'T YOUR ELECTION, BUT YOU

PAINTING THE PICTURE.

DAMN RIGHT, YOU ARE.

GEORGE BUSH HAS FUCKED UP SO BAD

HE MADE IT HARD FOR A WHITE MAN

TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT.

[APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, GIVE ME A BLACK

MAN, A WHITE WOMAN, A GIRRAFFE,

A ZEBRA, ANYTHING BUT ANOTHER

WHITE MAN.

THAT LAST ONE FUCKED UP MY ROOF.

AND WHO DO WE HAVE RUNNING FOR

PRESIDENT?

WHO THE HELL IS RUNNING FOR

PRESIDENT?

WE GOT TWO GUYS, MAN.

WE HAVE JOHN MCCAIN.

JOHN MCCAIN, 72 YEARS OLD.

HE WAS TOO OLD 10 YEARS AGO.

72!

HE'S SO OLD HE USED TO OWN

SIDNEY POINT YAY -- PONTIER.

I DON'T NEED A PRESIDENT WITH A

BUCKET LIMP.

72 YEARS OLD, MY GOD.

HOW MANY 72-YEAR-OLD PEOPLE DID

YOU SEE TODAY JUST DOING SHIT?

OLD PEOPLE DON'T EVEN USE OLD

PEOPLE TO DO SHIT.

72-FUCKING-2!

HE HIRED HIS NURSE TO BE HIS

VICE PRESIDENT, TOO.

[APPLAUSE]

FIRST TIME I'M EVERPLAYING, UH, AFRICA.

AFRICA, FIRST TIME PLAYINGAFRICA, SOUTH AFRICA.

I WAS ON SAFARI, MY FAMILYOUT THERE TAKING PICTURES

OF THE ANIMALS,AND YOU'RE DRIVING AROUND,

AND YOU GOT THIS GUY WITH YOUCALLED A TRACKER.

A TRACKER'S AMAZING'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST DRIVING

AROUND, AND THE TRACKER GOES,"STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP."

AND YOU STOP THE JEEP,AND HE LEANS AND PUTS HIS FINGER

IN SOME PISS.

HE'S LIKE, "AH.

UH, 15 MILES TO THE RIGHTSHOULD BE ZEBRA."

AND YOU GET THERE,AND THERE'S ZEBRA.

THERE'S ZEBRA!

WOW!

ZEBRA.

AND YOU'RE DRIVING SOME MORE,HE'LL SAY, "STOP, STOP,

STOP, STOP, STOP."

AND HE LEANS DOWN AND PICKS UPLITTLE SHIT PELLET AND,

"MMM, AH, MMM...

13 MILES TO THE LEFT,RHINOCEROS."

AND YOU GET THERE,AND THERE'S A RHINO RIGHT THERE.

YOU'RE LIKE, HOW THE FUCK'SHE DO THIS SHIT?

AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

I'M OUT THERE TAKING PICTURESOF THE RHINO, AND I TOOK THE

THE PICTURES OF THE ZEBRA,AND I WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME,

AND I'M OUT THERE WITH MYFAMILY.

AND I FELT GREATTILL I LOOKED OVER AT ANOTHER

JEEP AND I SAW A BUNCH OF WHITEPEOPLE TAKING PICTURES OF ME.

[laughter and applause]I'M LIKE, "SHIT, DON'T--

HEY, I AIN'T NO ANIMAL."

BUT THEY HAD A TRACKERTRACKING MY BLACK ASS.

EVIDENTLY, I MUST HAVE DROPPEDSOME CHICKEN OR SOMETHING

AT ANOTHER SPOT, AND THEY'RELIKE, "AH, CHICKEN BONE.

13 MILES TO THE LEFT,NIGGERS WILL BE THERE."

[cheers and applause]

SARAH PALIN OUT THERE SHOOTING

MOOSES AND SHIT AND HOLDING UP

THE MOOSE AND SHIT.

I SEE HER HOLDING A DEAD MOOSE,

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK

IS MICHAEL VICK IN JAIL FOR?"

[chuckles]

BITCH SHOT A MOOSE.

WHAT THE FUCK?

MY GOD.

JOHN MCCAIN, HOW YOU GONNA

MAKE DECISIONS ABOUT THE FUTURE

WHEN YOU AIN'T GONNA BE HERE?

HE'S OLD.

THE MOTHERFUCKER'S TOO OLD.

WHEN YOU DIE AT 72,

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DIE OF,

IT'S NATURAL CAUSES.

EVEN IF YOU GET HIT BY A TRUCK,

IT'S NATURAL CAUSES,

'CAUSE IF YOU WAS YOUNGER,

YOU WOULD HAVE GOT OUT THE WAY.

BUT THEN, YOU KNOW, YOU GOT

A REAL CHOICE, MAN,

BARACK OR MCCAIN.

THEY TRY TO--

MCCAIN JUST GOT THAT OLD STORY.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER BEEN TELLING

THE SAME STORY

FOR 40 FUCKING YEARS.

HE A WAR HERO.

HE A WAR HERO.

HE A WAR HERO

THAT GOT CAPTURED.

THERE'S A LOT OF GUYS IN JAIL

THAT GOT CAPTURED.

SHIT.

[cheers and applause]

FUCK THAT.

I DON'T WANT TO VOTE FOR NOBODY

THAT GOT CAPTURED.

I WANT TO VOTE FOR THE

MOTHERFUCKER THAT GOT AWAY.

THAT'S WHAT WE GOT, MAN.

SO WHO HE IS RUNNING UP AGAINST?

BARACK OBAMA.

[cheers and applause]

BARACK OBAMA, MAN.

[cheers and applause]

BARACK OBAMA?

YES.

BLACK MAN

WITH A BLACK NAME.

I KNOW IT AIN'T THAT BLACK HERE,

BUT IN AMERICA, THAT'S ABOUT

AS BLACK AS A NAME COULD GET.

BARACK OBAMA.

THAT'S RIGHT NEXT TO

DIKEMBE MUTOMBO.

THAT'S RIGHT.

BARACK, MAN, HE DON'T LET HIS

BLACKNESS SNEAK UP ON YOU.

YOU KNOW, IF HIS NAME WAS BOB

JONES OR SOMETHING, IT MIGHT

TAKE YOU TWO OR THREE WEEKS

TO REALIZE HE BLACK.

BUT SOON AS YOU HEAR

BARACK OBAMA,

YOU EXPECT TO SEE A BROTHER

WITH A SPEAR,

JUST STANDING ON TOP

OF A DEAD LION LIKE...

[grunts]

BARACK OBAMA.

YOU EXPECT TO SEE THE BASS

PLAYER FROM THE COMMODORES

COME OUT.

♪ TOO HOT TO TROT ♪

♪ NOW, BABY ♪

♪ TOO HOT TO TROT ♪

♪ BABY ♪

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT

LIONEL RICHIE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THEM SHINY

NIGGERS BEHIND HIM.

[chuckles]

GAS IS THROUGH THE ROOF.

GAS IS SO EXPENSIVE RIGHT NOW SOON THEY GOING TO START SELLING

GAS IN BARS.

GONNA BE LIKE "I WANT TO SEND A HALF A TANK TO THE LITTLE LADY

THERE IN THE RED." I THINK PRETTY SOON PEOPLE GOING

TO BE FUCKING FOR GAS.

I THINK PEOPLE ALREADY FUCKING FOR GAS.

SOME OF Y'ALL IN HERE TONIGHTARE FUCKING FOR GAS.

LIKE, GIRL, WHY YOU WITH HIM? "HE FILLED UP MY TANK."

LADIES, IF A MAN FILLS UP YOUR TANK, YOU GOT TO FUCK HIM.

A QUARTER OF A TANK, HAND JOB.

GOT TO GET TO WORK, RIGHT?

GOT TO GET TO WORK. HA HA.

GAS IS SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

I DON'T GET IT. LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

WE INVADE A COUNTRY WITH OIL, WITH OIL, BUT GAS COSTS MORE?

THAT DON'T MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE.

NOW I DIDN'T GO TO NO FANCY SCHOOL OR NOTHING, BUT I TELL

YOU THIS RIGHT NOW, IF I INVADE KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN, WINGS

WILL BE CHEAP AT MY HOUSE.

[APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

LIKE GAS IS SO EXPENSIVE NOW WHENEVER I FILL UP MY TANK, I

JUST WHIP OUT MY DICK AND JERK OFF RIGHT AT THE GASSTATION.

THAT'S WHAT I DO. IF I FILL ITUP I JERK IT OFF.

YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE WHEN I SPEND THAT TYPE

OF MONEY I'M USED TO COMING.

[APPLAUSE]

HOW RACE EFFECTS MY LIFE, OKAY?

I LIVE IN A PLACE CALLED

ALPINE, NEW JERSEY.

LIVE IN ALPINE, NEW JERSEY,

RIGHT?

MY HOUSE COSTS MILLIONS

OF DOLLARS.

[cheers and applause]

DON'T HATE THE PLAYER.

HATE THE GAME.

[cheers and applause]

IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD,

THERE ARE FOUR BLACK PEOPLE.

HUNDREDS OF HOUSES,

FOUR BLACK PEOPLE.

WHO ARE THESE BLACK PEOPLE?

WELL, THERE'S ME,

MARY J. BLIGE, JAY-Z,

AND EDDIE MURPHY.

ONLY BLACK PEOPLE

IN THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

SO LET'S BREAK IT DOWN.

LET'S BREAK IT DOWN.

ME, I'M A DECENT COMEDIAN.

I'M A'IGHT.

MARY J. BLIGE, MARY J. BLIGE,

ONE OF THE GREATEST R&B SINGERS

TO EVER WALK THE EARTH.

JAY-Z, ONE OF THE GREATEST

RAPPERS TO EVER LIVE.

EDDIE MURPHY, ONE OF THE

FUNNIEST ACTORS TO EVER,

EVER DO IT.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WHITE MAN

THAT LIVES NEXT DOOR TO ME DOES

FOR A LIVING?

HE'S A FUCKING DENTIST.

HE AIN'T THE BEST DENTIST

IN THE WORLD.

HE AIN'T GOING TO THE DENTAL

HALL OF FAME.

HE DON'T GET PLAQUES

FOR GETTING RID OF PLAQUE.

HE'S JUST A YANK-YOUR-TOOTH-OUT

DENTIST.

SEE, THE BLACK MAN GOT TO FLY

TO GET SOMETHING THAT THE WHITE

MAN CAN WALK TO.

FOR SAYING THE WRONG WORDS, MAN.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE, MAN.

AND A LOT OF WHITE GUYS,

"HEY, MAN, THAT'S NOT FAIR.

YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT.

YOU CAN SAY 'NIGGER.'"

YEAH, WHEN I LAST CHECKED,

THAT WAS THE ONLY ADVANTAGE

I HAD TO BEING BLACK.

YOU WANT TO SWITCH PLACES?

YOU SCREAM 'NIGGER,'

AND I'LL RAISE INTEREST RATES."

[cheers and applause]

YEAH, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD

WHERE WHITE MEN HAVE TO WATCH

THEIR TONGUE.

AND WHITE GUYS, DON'T WORRY

ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S HOW LIFE

WORKS, MAN.

THAT'S HOW LIFE WORKS.

SOMETIMES THE PEOPLE WITH MOST

SHIT HAVE TO SHUT UP

AND LET OTHER PEOPLE

TALK SHIT ABOUT THEM.

THAT'S HOW LIFE WORKS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SOMETIMES THE PEOPLE WITH

THE MOST SHIT GET TO SAY

THE LEAST SHIT,

AND THE PEOPLE WITH THE LEAST

SHIT GET TO SAY THE MOST SHIT.

SO IF YOU WANT TO SAY MORE SHIT,

GET RID OF SOME OF YOUR SHIT.

THAT'

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