Into the Wild Green Yonder Pt. 3

  • Season 5, Ep 515
  • 08/30/2009

Leela and the Feministas clash with Leo Wong over the destruction of the Violet Dwarf Star.

NIXON:These ecofeminists

are ruthless criminals

who will stop at nothingto save the environment.

I don't see how a bending unitcan catch them.

Not just any bendingunit, Presidente.

I happen to bebrilliant, fearless,

and short on cash.

(coughing):Short on cash.

Slush him, Kroker.

Bender here has identifiedthe femdito commander

as my ex-lover,Turanga Leela,

whom I oncemade love at.

And he's willing to fink her outfor a few Simoleons?

It's not about the money, Nixon,though I'd like much more.

She's committed 30 feloniesin 12 star systems.

If no one stops her,

she'll break my recordfor longest rap sheet.

(raspy howl):Aroo!

That's a despicable motive,Bender, and I respect it.

Gracias.

Now, I could find Leela,

but you'll needto authorize a wiretap.

As many as you like.

I only need one.

Let's call it six.

Hey, Bender,check it out.(grunts)

I'm Leo Wong'snew security guard.

I got an I.D. badgeand a flashlight,

and I orderedthis mustache.Neat!

Say, speaking of whateverthe hell you just said,

I need to make a cellphone telephone call.

Can I borrow yourcell phone telephone?

Okay, but don'trestart my Tetris.

I was finally about toget one of those pieces

that looks likea backwards "L."

Okay, super stud.

Looking good, security.

No Feministasgetting past you.

No, sir.

Not on my mustache's watch.

Fry, I can't believeyou're working

with my dad against Leela.

How can you claimto be her friend

and stillwant her in jail?

Eh, don't mindcranky-pants here.

She been cranky ever sinceshe was a fat little girl.

(laughing)Dad!

Can I be brutallyhonest, Fry?

I always wanted a son.

That hurt, butI can take it.

(growls)I knew you wanted a son.

Why do you think I becamea miniature golf champion?

Why do you think I wearthese stupid boy sweat suits?

To hide your big fat butt,that's why.

(snickering)

Now, sir,in fairness,

Amy's butt isactually pretty hot.

What is it with you men?

Why does everything revolvearound my butt?

'Cause it so bigand massive.

(both laughing)

Sorry.

That's it!

(crack)ZOIDBERG:Ow!

(Amy grunts angrily)

Whoa, what's with Big Butt?

Eh, she just hungry.

Here you go, Fry.

Thanks.

Oh, FYI, I droppedthat Tetris piece

in the wrong placeand ended the game.

(echoing):Nooooo!

Great.

Now Amy's gonna tell LeelaI'm a jerk.

If only I could explain I'm ona secret mission against evil.

Wait, evil?

Yeah, yeah, evil.

(tapping)

Wh-What's going onin there?

A scary noise?

Hey, you're oneof Leela's Feministas.

"Save theenvironment.

Wo-mandate Leo'sretirement"?

That's terriblewriting!

Stop making your pointso ineffectively.

Take your mandsoff of me.

Shh.

I'm on your side.

Shh... don't shush me.

Please, can youtake a message to Leela?

Shh! What is it?

Just say her sweet goofbagis working

to save the violet dwarf star,just like she is.

Very well, I'll femmunicateyour manformation.

Just tell her.

Shh!

PROFESSOR: Well, this is it, old friends.

Planet Expressis done for,

what with our deliverycrew missing,

and the abysmal sales

of Tickle-Me-Bender.

(giggling)

Quit touching my junk, pervert!

(sighs)

Hold out your hands,

and I'll removeyour career chips.

Aw, I hate to see itcome to an end.

(screaming)

When will it end?!

(phone ringing)

Shouldn't youget that, Professor?

Mm... I suppose.

(sighs)

(screaming)

Yello?

Professor, old buddy.

I'm gonna blow upthe violet dwarf star,

so I need you deliverbillion-mile security fence

to keep out protestors.

Dirty business, lot of money.

You corrupt enough?

Damn skip.

Good news,crybabies.

We're backin business.

(both cheering)

(both screaming)

(Hermes and Zoidbergwailing)

(creatures twittering happily)

(Hermes and Zoidbergwailing)

Sweet kookaburra ofEdinburgh, Professor!

You sure you know howto fly this thing?

I invented it, didn't I?

You wouldn't ask Thomas Edison

whether he knew howto use a sexmatron.

(all gasp)

(spray-paint hissing)

Halt! What are you doingin this parallelogram of space?

We're delivering a fence to keepyou ladies in your place.

(chuckling)

Wha...?

Amy?Labarbara?

That's right, husband.

From now on, you makeyour own manwiches.

Oh, that was the greatestplay I ever saw.

It must have had 20 acts.

(shocked gasps)

(screaming)

(shouting in Chinese)

LEELA (over speaker):We installed your fence,Leo Wong.

(cheering)

Should we shouta clever slogan?

You mean something like:

"The best defenseis a good fence"?

Yeah, something like that.

Only funny.

I wish we could, butour chief slogan writer

is back at theHoneybun Hideout.

(marker squeaking)

Does "violet dwarf" rhymewith "men are dorks"?

Eh, it doesthrough a megaphone.

That reminds me, I've got to tell Leela

about that weirdo who wants to save the violet dwarf.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE:So, the Legion of Madfellowshas a new pawn, eh?

Is s-s-somebody here?

If you're the DSL guy,you're two days late.

Who gave youthat message for Leela?

I don't know his name.

Then you are of no useto the Dark Ones.

(choking)

Long lost brother,avenge my death.

(gasping)

♪ Six, seven, eight,lock the gate ♪

♪ One, two, three,turn the key ♪

♪ 30, 50, ten... ♪

My dirty, shifty friend?

Hey, Fry, long time.

(groaning)

Welcome back to the Legionof Madfellows, man.

Why'd you bonk me, you idiot?

You could have just asked meto come with you.

And where are we?

This doesn't look likeyour regular Dumpster.

All in good time.

I guess now's a good time.

We're on Mars,

in a forgotten cavernabandoned by the native Martians

a million years ago.

FRY:Uh, actually,it was five years ago.

I remember 'causeI washed my socks.

You have done well, Fry.

You have ingratiated yourselfwith Leo Wong.

Yep. I kissed his ass fromcheek to shining cheek.

So what doI do next?

As Wong's security chief,you will be on hand

when he attemptsto destroy the violet dwarf.

You must not let that happen!

Must let happen.

Not happen!

Must let occur.

Let me tell you a story--

a story of two alien speciesso ancient

that compared to them,

the human raceis a mere college senior.

On a distant planetoid,

they evolved to cooperatein their quest to survive.

Cooperation:because life is a team sport.

CURATOR:But over time,

one species evolveda better strategy,

and an evolutionaryarms race began.

That concludesthe audio-visual portion

of our head-clonk and lecture.

Wait, what happened tothe snakes and the frogs?

I need to know!

(sighs)

The frogs,

or possibly the snakes,

evolved intovicious killing machines,

honed by the merciless forcesof natural selection

and intelligent design.

We call these the Dark Ones.

(shuddering)

Meanwhile, however,the second species evolved

to fend off the Dark Ones,

befriending and protectingall other living things.

Even Celine Dion?

Probably.

We call these noble beingsthe Encyclopods,

because their DNAincorporates the DNA

of every endangered speciesthey encountered,

so they can recreate themif they go extinct.

Just as a pillow, a wigand a corncob pipe

can be used to recreatemy old girlfriend!

Bingo.

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile at the Honeybun Hideout...

Now you know how it feels to belocked up in a go-go cage.

What the hellare you talking about?

Shut your manhole.

(dance music throbbing)

(grunting quietly)

I feel dirty.

Are you sure Fry'sworking for your father?

It just doesn't seemlike him to be so evil

or to hold down a job.

It's true, Leela.

Cross my heart braand swear to Goddess.

But the Fry I knowwouldn't do that.

I'm gonna call his cell phonetelephone and prove you wrong.

Oh, no!

Frieda's been murdered!

(all gasping)

Sweet she-cattleof Seattle!

HERMES:Not your strong suit, woman!

Who could've done this?

Your dad? Nixon?

Fry?

No! Never!

I don't think.

Anyhow, there's a crazedmurderer on the loose,

possibly in the shadows orhanging from the ceiling!

(all scream)

So just stay calmwhile I call Fry.

(bones crackle)

So where are the Encyclopodsand the Dark Ones now?

When...

When the life-giving chireceded,

only the toughest organismscould adapt and survive--

like the Dark Ones.

(booing)

Many more died out,like the Encyclopods.

But-- and this isthe great secret of our age--

we believe they leftan egg behind.

Is it edible?We're not gonna eat it!

Not unless we find a second one.

No, Fry,we intend to hatch it!

And that's whereyou come in.

And here I am.

At long last, the tideof chi has returned.

And its nourishing flowhas awakened the dormant egg.

That's good.

HUTCH:It's better than good;

it's better!

With its massive stashof DNA, the Encyclopod

can reconstruct every speciesthat ever went extinct.

So where is this egg?

In the violet dwarfstar system.

And what does it look like?

A violet dwarf star.

You mean the whole staris a single--

Whoa, sci-fi.

Alas, even now,a Dark One is headed

to the starto ensure its destruction.

Dang!

So what doesthis Dark One look like?

(sighs)

We don't know.

I admit, it's a horrificallygrave situation.

Don't sugarcoat it, Nine.

The Dark Ones have been evolvingso long, it could be anything.

Or anyone. Or anybody.

You mean, like people?

Any people.

It'll kill the egg

and every dude, woman and childwho knows about it.

Even our crazy caps will beuseless at close range.

That's why only you,

with your defective,unreadable brain wave,

may be ableto thwart them

and usher in a new greenage of wonder and...!

(ringtone playing)

You're on Fry-time.

Leela!

Did you get my message?

What message?

Didn't you see Frieda Waterfall?

(gasps)

So you did killFrieda Waterfall?

What?! No!

I told her to tell youthat I'm--

Oh, jeep!

The Dark Ones got her!

It's all true!

We need to talk, Leela.

Then I can expl...

Well, I-I can'texplain anything,

but we should talk anyway.

Where are you?

(chuckles):Oh, no.

I'm not gonna exposethe Honeybun Hideout.

Where are you?

Near the Keelercrater on Mars.

Do you know it?

I, uh, uh, I-I thinkI read about it.

No mustaches.

(dial tone)

(evil laughter)

Kif, set coordinates

36-24-36--

AKA Leela.

Ten minutes late.

Ain't that just likea womanista.

Psst! Are you alone?

Of course.Don't you trust me?

(Leela yelling)

ZAPP (over speakers):There's no escape, Leela.

If you surrender,wave your shirt in the air.

Fry, you traitor!

AMY (over speakers):Hop onto the magnet, Leela.

Okay, one, two...

(screams)(chuckles)

(screams)

(grunts)

I can't believeyou ratted me out, Fry!

I'm not a rat, I swear.

If I'm any rodent,it's the loyal capybara,

king of the rats.

(explosion thunders)No, wait...

Stay strong, ladies!

We can lose them inthe giant miniature golf course.

But the course isn't finished.

And there's no girls allowed.

Fore!

(engines thrust, men gasp)

So they want to playmini-golf, eh?

Two can play at that game.

Or even four, depending on thenumber of ball colors available.

(both sigh)

I choose pink.

That's their color, sir.

The hell it is.

They're gaining on us!

We need a birdieon the windmill hole!

Wait... wait...

Drop the boot!

(Feministas cheering)

Sir, at our present speed,the computer predicts

a 100 percent chancewe'll be sliced in half.

We'll never make it.

Not with that attitude,we won't.

Same speed ahead!

(men screaming, gasping)

We made it through, Kif.

How many men did we lose?

All of them.

Well, at least they won't

have to mourn each other.

Seal the airlocks.

(crewman gasps weakly)

And draw the shades.

Resume shooting!

Oh, no, the gorilla!

That's a par four!

(all scream)

The mouth's too dangerous.

I'm going for the nose!

Don't be a sucker!

You won't come outanywhere near the hole!

You need to aim for the jawsjust when they start to close.

Start to close?

Are you out of your...?

LEELA: We made it!

Captaining 101:Go for the nose.

(grunting)

My arms are broken!

I'll never paint again!

(sobbing)

You can't suethe military.

Oh, I'm okay then.

Damage report.

We lost all remainingfood and oxygen, Captain,

as well as ourXM radio antenna.

Then this chase is over.

Kif, set course for the nearestXM repair facility.

Meanwhile, we shall singtop hits from the '80s.

Which '80s, sir?

For me,there are only one '80s.

ZAPP: ♪ Smell like I sound ♪(Kif groans)

♪ I'm lost and I'm found ♪(Bender groans)

♪ And I'm hungry like the wolf... ♪

(gasping, screaming)

The shot was too good!

We're jammin'straight for the hole!

We're gonna crash even!

Shmeesh, shmill out,shmeverybody.

It's a wormhole hole.

PROFESSOR: Of course, a wormhole!

We'll simply disappear,

and reappear in a...

...nother part of the universe!

We made it!Wha...?

(cheering)

LEELA: Crud nuggets!

We de-spacedright next to the Nimbus.

Just when you thinkthe chase is over,

it gets twice as exciting!

(hums Duran Duran riff)

Hey, look-a-there!

Well, well, well.

My bloodhound-like instinctsmust have hunted them down

while my other parts werethrobbing to Duran Duran.

Shall I initiate a pointlessand potentially fatal pursuit?

Make it so.

It's gonna befun on a bun.

In space.

(engine starts)

(men screaming)

LEELA: Look!

The asteroid!

Now it's crawling with life.

Like Zoidberg's sandals!

Wow!

It's incredible.

But it'll be destroyed when LeoWong blows up the violet dwarf!

So why are youhelping him?!

I-I can't tell you, Leela.

You just have to trust me.

You keep saying that,

but you have to give mesomething to go on or I...

(alarm blaring)

FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE:Out of whale oil.

Out of whale oil.

LEELA:The out-of-fuel indicator!

It's indicating!

(engine sputters then stops)

Say, what's that violet-colored dwarflike star-thing

we're drifting into?

The violet dwarf star!

Of course!

The gorilla was theeighteenth hole,

so we're headed intothe ball-return!

Oy, what else nowcan go wrong?

(loud bang)

(all scream)

Ladies, you're under arrest.

Prepare to be boardedagain and again.

He'll never take me alive.

(hacking)

Don't give up yet.

I've got one more trickup my sleeve.

That's exactlythe number we need!

(jet packs whooshing)

(gloves squeak on glass)Ah, the fairer sex.

(dance music plays)

Something's very wrong here.

And yet, a littlebit right.

(guns cocking)LEELA:Not so fast, Brannigan.

BENDER:Even less fast,Feministas!

(Feministas gasping)

LEELA:Bender?!

All two tons of me.

And if you think that'sshocking, wait'll you see...

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next time on Futurama!

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