Gardell, Armisen, Tucker, Houston

  • Season 5, Ep 502
  • 10/12/2001

Billy Gardell adjusts to life with a fiancee, Fred Armisen teaches a self-defense class, Bryan Tucker advises against bed and breakfasts, and Sharon Houston plans her wedding.

DAVID ALAN GRIER>>

WHAT'S GOIN' ON NEW YORK?

HOW ARE YOU GUYS FEELING?

YOU'RE PUMPED UP.

EVERYBODY'S IN THE FLOW.

WELL, THAT'S NICE.

THAT'S GREAT.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALL HYPED UP.

'CAUSE I'M ACTUALLY--

I'M GOING THROUGH A LITTLE THING

MYSELF.

I'M NOT FEELING TOO GOOD.

WE MIGHT AS WELL GET THIS OUT.

YOU GUYS KNOW I'M FROM L.A.

HOME OF THE NBA CHAMPIONSHIP

TEAM LAKERS.

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT HAPPENED?

WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT TO ME.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LOVE?

WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR LITTLE

TEAM HERE?

THE KNICK--

THE KNICK KNOCKS?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

TALK TO THE PLAYERS, OKAY?

'CAUSE THEY GOT TO WIN GAMES.

YOU JUST DON'T WIND UP

IN THE FINALS.

YOU GOT TO WIN SOME GAMES!

YOU DO.

YOU DO.

MY FAVORITE PLAYER IS

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL.

HE'S LIKE SUPERMAN.

YOU KNOW HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

KOBE, GIVE ME THE BALL, MAN.

KOBE, GIVE ME--

I'M LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU, MAN.

GIVE ME THE BALL, MAN.

ALL RIGHT.

ACTUALLY, THE DREAM FINAL WOULD

BE THE KNICKS AND THE LAKERS.

THAT'S LIKE MY DREAM--

MAYBE NEXT YEAR.

SO LET'S KICK THIS SHOW OFF.

NOW, THE FIRST PERFORMER IS

BILLY GARDELL>> HEY, HOW ARE YOU

DOING?

YEAH, ME, TOO.

I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE.

I'M HAPPY TO BE BACK ON

THE EAST COAST.

I LIVE OUT IN LOS ANGELES NOW.

AND, AH--

THAT SUCKS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I MEAN, IT'S RIDICULOUS.

IT IS.

IT IS.

YOU KNOW?

THERE'S NO TOUGH LOVE OUT THERE.

I READ IN THE PAPER THE OTHER

DAY THERE'S A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD

KID SUING HIS DAD AND MOM

FOR THEIR HOUSE.

IF I TOLD MY DAD WHEN I WAS

THIRTEEN I WAS GONNA SUE HIM

FOR HIS HOUSE, I'D WAKE UP

FOUR WEEKS LATER.

(LAUGHTER)

JUST BE IN THE OPERATING ROOM--

I WAS PLAYING WITH MY HOT WHEELS

AND THEN THERE WAS A WHITE

LIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I THINK I COULD WALK AGAIN.

MY MOM HANDED OUT MOST OF THE

BEATING AT OUR HOUSE.

SHE'S IRISH.

SO YOU HAD TO STAY BACK.

YOU NEVER KNEW WHEN THEY WERE

COMING.

LIKE IF SOMETHING BOTHERED HER

HERE AND SHE WAS YELLING ABOUT

SOMETHING OVER HERE AND IT HAD

NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WAS

BOTHERING.

BUT IF YOU DIDN'T MOVE TO THAT

THING, YOU GOT CRACKED.

SHE'D COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM

AND GO "TURN THE TV DOWN.

THE TOILET'S OVERFLOWING!"

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

THAT AIN'T GO NOTHING TO DO

WITH--

KOOSH!

ALL RIGHT!

YOU KNOW WHAT THE LESSON WAS?

MOVE WHEN YOU'RE TOLD.

I'M HAVING A BIG MONTH NEXT

MONTH.

I'M NERVOUS.

NOT ABOUT THIS TV SHOW.

I DON'T CARE.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M JUST KIDDING.

I'M GETTING MARRIED NEXT MONTH.

DON'T CLAP.

DON'T CLAP.

WHAT DID I DO?

NOTHIN'.

QUIT CLAPPIN'.

WHY DO YOU CLAP?

GOOD FOR YOU.

I'M VERY HAPPY, THOUGH.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

SHE TOLD ME.

SO...

I'M GOOD ON THAT.

I THINK I'M LEARNING THE SECRET,

THOUGH, OF GOOD A RELATIONSHIP.

JUST DON'T ARGUE.

DON'T ARGUE WITH HER.

JUST DON'T--

DON'T ARGUE.

DON'T ARGUE.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WHY DO YOU THINK OLD MEN MUMBLE?

(LAUGHTER)

THEY KNOW.

SHE MOVED IN AND MY LIFE BECAME

MORE RESPONSIBLE.

YOU KNOW?

A WOMAN MOVES IN YOUR HOUSE,

EVERYTHING BECOMES RESPONSIBLE.

THEY PAY THEIR BILLS ON TIME.

A WOMAN WILL PAY A BILL THE DAY

SHE GETS IT.

MY FIANCE--

OH, MY GOD.

JUST PUT THAT RIGHT IN THE MAIL.

THEN YOU SEND IT OFF.

LATER ON WE'LL HAVE CREDIT

APPLICATION.

"WE'RE GONNA NEED TO QUALIFY

FOR A HOME.

THERE'S A BUNCH OF HYPOTHETICAL

(BLEEP) THAT YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT

ABOUT YET."

"WHAT IS THIS CREDIT YOU SPEAK

OF?

I NOT KNOW."

(LAUGHTER)

GROWING UP SINGLE YOU DON'T

THINK ABOUT THAT.

YOU GET A BILL, YOU'RE LIKE,

"THAT'S JUST THE BLUE ONE.

WE'RE GONNA GET A PINK ONE

AND A YELLOW ONE.

WHAT DID I SAY?

WHAT DID I SAY?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE HARDEST THING I FIND ABOUT

LIVING WITH MY WOMAN IT'S THE

HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS.

WOMEN LOVE TO GIVE YOU

A POP QUIZ.

THAT'S THEIR FAVORITE THING.

IT'S SOME QUESTION YOU CAN NEVER

ANSWER.

AND IT'S RIGHT BEFORE YOU GO

TO BED.

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE FIRST YOU GOT TO LAY

IN THE BED AND YOU'RE GONNA SAY

"I LOVE YOU" NINE MILLIONS TIMES

BEFORE YOU CAN FINALLY GO TO

SLEEP AND SHUT UP AND GET SOME

SILENCE.

RIGHT?

"YEAH, I LOVE YOU."

"YEAH, I LOVE YOU, TOO."

"I LOVE YOU."

"YEAH, I LOVE YOU, TOO."

"WE'LL DO THAT TOMORROW."

"YEAH, ONE MORE THING.

I LOVE YOU."

"YEAH.

OH, YOU FORGOT THAT?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT.

WE'LL GET IT AGAIN.

I LOVE YOU."

"OKAY, I LOVE YOU.

"I LOVE YOU."

"I LOVE YOU."

"I LOVE YOU."

AND JUST WHEN IT GETS QUITE...

"HONEY."

"UGH.

WE WERE SO CLOSE."

AND THEN THE DUMBEST QUESTION

IN THE WORLD COMES...

"IF I HAD NO ARMS AND NO LEGS,

WOULD YOU LOVE ME?"

AND THEY DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY

WHEN YOU GO...

"NO WAY IN HELL!"

SO NOW YOU LOOK LIKE A JERK

FOR ANSWERING A HYPOTHETICAL

QUESTION THAT DOESN'T MATTER

WRONG.

SO YOU GOT TO BACK PEDDLE

TO TRY TO FIX IT.

BUT THE FURTHER YOU TRY TO BACK

PEDDLE, THE MORE OF A JERK YOU

LOOK LIKE.

SO YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, I'D STILL

LOVE YA.

I'D GET A BACKPACK AND PUT YOU

IN IT.

AND WE'D GO JOGGING."

GOD BLESS YOU NEW YORK.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

FRED ARMISEN>> WHATSUP?

I'M FRED FROM THE MINNEAPOLIS

POLICE.

AND I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT SELF-DEFENSE.

KEEPING SAFE ON THESE DANGEROUS

CITY STREETS.

GUESS WHAT?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A VICTIM.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT?

QUICK SHOW OF HANDS.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE CARRY MORE

THAN ONE DOLLAR IN CASH ON THEM

AT ANY TIME?

BE HONEST.

THAT'S STUPID!

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

NEVER EVER CARRY MORE THAN

A DOLLAR IN CASH ON YOU AT ANY

TIME.

IF YOU'RE GONNA BUY SOMETHING,

YOU'RE LADY'S GONNA PURCHASE

A MAGNUM P.I. POSTER...

OR WHATEVER.

(LAUGHTER)

BORROW THE MONEY FROM

THE CASHIER.

OKAY?

NOW LET ME INTRODUCE TO YOU

MY ASSISTANT AND MY ASSAILANT.

THIS IS JOHN.

NOW THE FIRST THING--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ENTERTAINMENT.

IT'S ABOUT EDUCATION.

NOW THE FIRST THING YOU'RE GONNA

NOTICE ABOUT JOHN IS HE'S NOT

BLACK.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT?

A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY TO ME,

"OH, HE'S A BLACK GUY.

BLACK PEOPLE DO CRIME."

I DON'T NEED ANY OF THAT RACISM

IN HERE.

AND BESIDES, IF YOU LOOK AT THE

STATISTICS, NINE TIMES OUT OF

TEN, YOUR ATTACKER IS GONNA BE

ONE OF THOSE (BLEEP) LATINOS.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, JOHN AND I DO THIS IN HIGH

SCHOOLS ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

WHY DO WE DO IT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

A FEW YEARS AGO, MY TWO YEAR OLD

DAUGHTER WAS ABDUCTED.

SHE WAS TAKEN FROM ME.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHEN THAT HAPPENED, I VOWED

THAT I'D SPEND THE REST OF MY

WEEKENDS SEARCHING FOR HER.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

NOW...

WHAT DO YOU DO IF THIS GUYS

GOT A GUN?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU FIGHT.

THIS GUYS HAS GOT ABOUT A

QUARTER OF AN INCH HE CAN USE

BEFORE HE PULLS THAT TRIGGER.

I ALWAYS CARRY A PEN WITH ME

EVERYWHERE I GO.

PULL THE GUN TOWARDS YOU.

PUT THE PEN RIGHT HERE.

HE CAN'T PULL THE TRIGGER.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A PEN,

GET ONE FROM THE ATTACKER.

(LAUGHTER)

SOMETHING ELSE YOU SHOULD ALL

CARRY...

A FLASHLIGHT.

WHY?

YOU'RE AT AN ATM.

THIS GUY COMES UP BEHIND YOU...

YOU COULD DISTRACT HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, USE YOUR

CELL PHONE.

PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A

CONVERSATION AND HE'LL LEAVE YOU

ALONE.

JOHN>> GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!

GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S GONNA BE IT FOR US.

SO REMEMBER, MIND AND

BODY LANGUAGE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)