Steve Simeone & G Reilly

  • Season 3, Ep 4
  • 10/25/2014

Gabriel Iglesias hosts performances by Steve Simeone and G Reilly, and Martin Moreno spirals out of control in a "Hey It's Fluffy!" animated short.

Ontario keeps it real.

Ontario!

Ontario keeps it real!

Too real.

Too real, I mean, you know,the comedy club that we're in

right now is-is actuallyattached to a mall,

and some of the storesthat are in there,

there's a-a couple restaurantsthat serve alcohol,

and some of the thingsI've seen here, okay?

Right outside these doors, theyhave a nice, uh, valet section

where you can pull up and...It's a fancy mall.

You have valet right there,you know.

Here, park my car.(imitates car door shutting)

(speaking Spanish)

(bleep)Yeah, it's one those.

Good mall.

But some of the thingsI've seen.

I-I was here one night,uh, with Martin.

And after the show was over,we're out in front of the club.

We're taking pictures,and we see this guy staggering

out of one of the restaurantsthat serves alcohol.

And he walks overto the valet stand,

and, uh, the guy's like,"Hey!

Bring me my car!"

And the guy wasbeing cool, right?

The guy was cool. Señor, señor, please!

Please, señor, you arein no condition to drive.

Okay? No condition.

Hey, just bring memy damn car, okay?

Señor, please,it is not a good idea.

Don't do it!It's not a good idea.

And the guy was like,"Here's 50 bucks."

Carlos!

(speaking Spanish)

We're going to Walmart!

but now I just wantto be on Comedy Central

So my niece and nephewsthink I'm cool.

'Cause, cause they'realways like,

"Uncle Steve, when are you gonnabe on Comedy Central?

And now I can be like,"Next week, bitches!"

Like, I'm so... Right?It's gonna be awesome!

And here's the thing 'causethey're such amazing kids,

but I just want them to grow upto be good people.

So that's why the last timeI was home,

I made them watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

The real Willy Wonka.

I'm talking '70s style,old-school, right?

Because they're little kids,

and I didn't want themgrowing up

thinking Johnny Deppwas Willy Wonka.

No, no, no, no, no.

Johnny Depp's an amazing actor.

I love the guy.

But there'sonly one real Willy Wonka

and his name isGene mother-effing Wilder.

Right?

And you remember that movieopens up with Charlie Bucket?

The nicest kidin the world, right?

And the world's just poopingon his little face.

Like, he's workingtwo goddamn jobs,

he's scrubbing floors,he's delivering papers.

And the only thinghe wants out of life

is a goddamn golden ticket?

And all those rich-kid dicksare opening up...

Oh, I got a golden ticket,I got a golden ticket.

I'm six, looking at the TV.

I'm like, "Do your job, Jesus!

"Give this kida goddamn golden ticket!

He's working his balls off,right?"

The first hour,

I'm doing what I love.This is what I do.

You know? I know, I know.

I worked hard to get here,

and now, all of sudden,

that I'm here, right inthe middle of my career,

comedy wants to switch up.

Because now I comeinto a comedy club

and I say somethingthat's inappropriate

and you got a video camera on your phone

and you video meand then you put it on YouTube,

then it ends up on TMZ

and now I'm a (bleep).

Let me explain something.

You can't get mad or upset

at anything that's saidin a comedy club.

You getting upset is equivalentto me being in the men's room

and I fartand the guy next to me goes,

"Hey, man,what's wrong with you, man?"

Like, this iswhere it happens, man!

This is where it goes down!

We see the world different.

It's that simple.It's that simple.

Did you guys see King Kong?Did you guys see King Kong?

The original King Kong,the black-and-white King Kong.

You remember that scene

in King Kong,

when she was in the apartment

and all of sudden King Kong'sface came by the window?

And all you sawwas King Kong's face

in the window?

Do you rememberhow scared she was

when she saw King Kong's face?

Imagine how scared the woman was

that lived ten floors below her.

Eleven floors below her!

Twelve floors below her!

I'm G Reilly.Thank you for having me!

But we know thatMartin's grandmother

is in abetter place.

How is dirt a better place?

Shh.

I mean, if you're a bone,I understand,

but not if you're Grandma.

'Cause nobody's gonnawant to dig up Grandma

for later and chow down.Shut up.

Don't tell me to shut up.

Unite us together again,

one family...

Are you okay,Martin?

She was aliveyesterday.

Now she's gone.

Forever.

I'm great.

Ha ha!

I will take thatas a yes.

I'm worried aboutMartin, you guys.

He's actingreally weird.

Speaking of weird,

check out the new girl.

You just killedthat butterfly.

So what?

The average life spanof a butterfly

is like a month.

It was probablyon its deathbed.

I'm Jane.

Do you like death, too?

Majorly.

Want to show death

we're not afraid of it...together?

Hell yeah!

That's soawesome.

Hi, Jane.

Who's this dude?

My ex-boyfriend.

I want you back, Jane.

Nothing can get me back,Derrick.

Nothing.

What if I challengeyour new boyfriend

to a duelto the death?

Okay.

Wait, what?

You guys fight.

The winner gets me.

There's a thunderstormon its way, dude.

Meet me at the top ofthe library clock tower

in 20 minutes.

And wear a tinfoil hat,

the most dangerous hatto wear in a thunderstorm.

I'll meetyou there.

Martin, youcan't do this.

And you're definitelynot supposed to die

because of somestupid girl.

Friendship versus tail,

the eternal conundrum.

(thunder crashes)

So, did you bringyour tinfoil?

You know,Derrick,

I did bring my tinfoil hat.

But my friend Fluffysaid something very important

that really made me think.

Fluffy is my oldest friend,

and in this commodified society,

that means something.

On the other hand...

(screaming)

Fluffy, help!

No heartbeat!

And with this storm,there's no way

an ambulance cancome here in time.

He-he needs mouth-to-mouth,

but everyone herefailed the CPR course

except for Fluffy.

No. Come on.

Let's try the ambulance.

Please.

Let's try the ambulance!

He's lookinggood.

Fluffy...Fine.

Fluffy? I don't wantto die anymore.

You better not,

because I'm not kissing youagain, Martin.

(smacking lips)

Ew, what is that?

Fish and chips?

So, Martin, youdon't want to die?

Derrick,I'm all yours.

Yes!

Guys! Do you hear that?

It sounds likeMartin's grandma

is crawling outfrom the cemetery.

GRANDMA:Martin!

Martin!

GRANDMA (muffled):Martin...

Martin.

Grandma, no!

Don't drag me to hell with you!

Grandma!

I wasn't in hell,you idiot.

I took a freaking napand woke up in a casket.

Who are these two?

Jane, myex-girlfriend,

and Derrick, the guywho stole her from me.

You hurt my grandson?!

Please don't kill me.Please, no! Ah! No!

I guess there's no guy out therewho loves death as much as I do.

So disappointing.

(yelps)

You wereright, Fluffy.

That girl wasunusually stupid.

Sad but true.

You guys, that's our show.