CC Presents: Chris Porter

  • Season 13, Ep 16
  • 01/11/2009

JUNE OF '07.

IT WAS PRETTY SWEET.

BIBLICALLY,THAT'S PRETTY RECENT.

I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER.

IT'S A LONG STORY THAT...

BEGINS AND ENDSWITH "SHE'S A VIRGIN."

LEAST THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

YOU CAN JUST SAY NO.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D THROW OUTTHE BIG "V," YOU KNOW?

TELLING ME YOU'RE A VIRGIN'S

A LOT LIKE TELLING MEYOU SAW BIGFOOT.

"A," I DON'T CARE,

AND, "B," I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

HOLD ON.

THE ONLY REASON I BRING IT UP

IS BECAUSE I KNEWGOING INTO THE SITUATION

THAT I WASN'T GONNASLEEP WITH HER,

WHICH I WAS FINE WITH.

SO I WAS LIKE, "COOL.

I CAN GET REALLY DRUNK, 'CAUSEI DON'T HAVE TO PERFORM LATER."

AND SHE TOOK ME TO A BAR

THAT WAS INSIDEHER APARTMENT BUILDING.

YEAH. I DIDN'T EVENHAVE TO DRIVE HOME.

I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO WALK.

I COULD JUST LEANAGAINST THE WALL

TILL WE GOT TO THE ELEVATOR,SWITCH WALLS.

RIGHT?

SO I DRANK CORONA AND MACALLANALL NIGHT.

YEAH. I TESTED THE LIMITSOF MY LIVER.

THE LIVER LIMITS.

THE LIVITS.

I DID.

CORONA, MACALLAN --ONE IN EACH HAND ALL NIGHT.

PASSED OUT FEELING DELICIOUS.

WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNINGTO FIND OUT MEXICO AND SCOTLAND

HAD HAD A WAR INSIDE MY BOWELS.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

COME MORNINGTIME, IT WAS UP TOME TO DISPOSE OF THE CASUALTIES.

NOT A GOOD SITUATIONFOR AN AWAY GAME.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL I WANTED TO DOWAS DROP A DEUCE,

SMOKE A BOWL, GO BACK TO SLEEP.

BUT SHE LIVEDIN A ONE-BED, ONE-BATH,

SO I DID NOT HAVETHE SQUARE FOOTAGE NECESSARY.

'CAUSE VIRGIN OR NOT,I REALLY LIKED THIS GIRL.

THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO

IS WAKE HER UP TO THE SMELLOF DEAD PEOPLE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S LAYINGRIGHT NEXT TO ME.

I COULDN'T EVEN FART,FOR GOD'S SAKE.

MAN, I WAS RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

I WAS RUNNING OUT OF OPTIONS.

THE PSI IN MY TORSOIS REACHING RED-LINE LEVELS.

A SUBSTANCE WAS GOING TOBREACH AN ORIFICE

WHETHER I LIKED IT OR NOT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

SHE GOES TO WORK, RIGHT?

I DECIDE TO USE HER SHOWER,

'CAUSE GIVEN THE MORNINGI'D HAD,

THOUGHT IT MIGHTBENEFIT EVERYBODY.

NOW, BEEN A WHILESINCE I'D USED A GIRL'S SHOWER,

OR ANYBODY ELSE'S SHOWER,FOR THAT MATTER.

SHOWERINGIS NOT SOMETHING YOU DO

AT SOMEONE ELSE'S PLACE A LOT,IS IT?

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU RUN OVERTO YOUR BUDDY'S HOUSE,

"GONNA HOP IN YOUR SHOWERREAL QUICK."

"THE HELL ARE YOU, MAVERICK?NO, YOU'RE NOT."

[ CHEERS ]YEAH, YEAH.

WE GOT SO MESSED UPIN AMSTERDAM,

WE STARTED PUTTINGDUTCH SUFFIXES

ON THE END OF ALL OF OUR WORDS.

WE WERE LIKE, "HOLY SCHMERGEN,I AM HAMMERGLUBENED."

Man: WHOO!

[ CHUCKLES ]

THE TRAFFIC HERE IS RIDICULOUS.

LOT OF PEOPLE GET PISSED OFFIN TRAFFIC.

I DON'T.I RARELY HAVE ANYWHERE TO BE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND WHEN I HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE,

I PLAN FOR TRAFFIC,'CAUSE I'M A [BLEEP] ADULT.

I UNDERSTANDGETTING MAD SOMETIME,

LIKE IF IT'S A SATURDAY ANDTHE OLD DUDE WON'T TURN LEFT.

I GET THAT.THAT DUDE DESERVES TO DIE.

PEOPLE GET MAD IN RUSH HOUR

LIKE IT'S THE FIRST DAYIT EVER HAPPENED.

"IT'S TUESDAY AT 5:00IN THE AFTERNOON!

WHAT THE HELLARE ALL THESE CARS DOING HERE?!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

SO THEY HONK THEIR HORN.

HAS THAT EVER WORKED...

EVER?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN GRIDLOCK,HONKED YOUR HORN,

EVERYBODY STARTEDDOING 70 AGAIN?

NO.

LIKE THERE WERE 18 STONERSAT THE FRONT OF THE PACK.

"OH [BLEEP] SORRY.

MY BAD. MY BAD."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"I WAS MESSING WITH MY iPOD.

I APOLOGIZE."

KNOW WHAT I NOTICED?

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME PEOPLE THATHONK THEIR HORNS ON THE HIGHWAY.

IT'S ALWAYS PEOPLEIN CRAPPY CARS.

'CAUSE THINK ABOUT IT.

EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM

KNOWS WHAT A CRAPPY CAR HORNSOUNDS LIKE.

YOU CAN CALL THEM OUT.

YOU CAN BE ON THE HIGHWAY, LIKE,"MEEP, MEEP!"

"FESTIVA -- WHERE IS IT?"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

WHAT SOUND DOESA ROLLS-ROYCE HORN MAKE?

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW, EITHER.NO ONE KNOWS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

PEOPLE WHO OWN A ROLLS-ROYCEDON'T EVEN KNOW.

THEY DON'T EVEN DRIVE THE THING.

THEY SIT IN BACK AND SMOKE WEEDAND LISTEN TO ZEPPELIN.

THAT'S WHAT I'D DO.

PEOPLE WHO HONK THEIR HORNSIN TRAFFIC

ARE PEOPLE WHO'VE RUN OUTOF OPTIONS...

IN LIFE.

AND IT HITS THEM.

THEY'RE JUST LIKE,"I GOT A CRAPPY CAR,

"CRAPPY JOB, CRAPPY LIFE.

"BEEP, BEEP [BLEEP]

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