Comedy Central Presents
Season 11

CC Presents: Maria Bamford (2007)

  • Season 11, Ep 10
  • 02/15/2007

Maria Bamford doesn't need a home decorator for her house -- she needs one for her brain.

OH MY GOD.

UM-- OKAY. I'M GONNA GET TO THE JOKES.

UM-- OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT HERE THIS SHOW.

OKAY. AH--

"LIKE MOST AMERICANS,I'D LIKE TO HELP OTHERS

"WHILE BEING TELEVISED.

"I'D LIKE TO GO TO AN AREA OF THE WORLD WHERE THEY REALLY NEED MY HELP.

"LIKE WE'RE HERE IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA

"BECAUSE PEOPLE SOMETIMES HAVE TO WALK

"TENS OF HUNDREDSOF MILES FOR FOOD, WATERAND BASIC MEDICAL CARE.

"AND THAT'S WHY WE'VE CHOSEN THIS VILLAGE FOR AN EXTREME MAKEOVER!

[LAUGHTER]

"TELL ME, MOBUTU, HOW DOES LIFE FEEL AS A BLONDE?"

[ACCENT] "WELL, ME HUSBAND DIDN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE ME

"AND NOW WHEN I GO TO THE AID TRUCK AND FIGHT

OTHER WOMEN FOR FLOUR,I FEEL MORE CONFIDENT."

- [LAUGHTER]- AH. I LOVE MY COUNTRY.

AND MAYBE THAT ISBECAUSE I AM RICH. AH...

BUT THINGS HAVE REALLYBEEN WORKING OUT FOR ME.

I'M NOT TECHNICALLY RICH BUT I DO HAVE A LOT OF [BLEEP]

THAT I DON'T NEED THAT I REFUSE TO SHARE WITH OTHERS.

[LAUGHTER]

[HEAVY SIGH] I WAS--I WAS TRYING TO THINK--

I'M ANTI PLASTIC SURGERY BUT I THINK I'D LIKE TO HAVE

ONE OF THOSE HOME DECORATORS COME INTO MY BRAIN AND SAY,

[PERKY VOICE] "WHAT IS IT, 1985 IN HERE?

"LET'S GET RID OF SOME OF THIS STUFF."

"'FEAR OF BEING SUFFOCATED TO DEATH BY BALLOONS.'

ARE YOU USING THAT, 'CAUSE IT'S TAKING UP A LOT OF SPACE."

WELL, IT'S TOUGH ALL OVER. MY MOM TOLD ME RECENTLY,

SHE SAID, "HONEY, WHEN YOU DON'T WEAR MAKEUP,

YOU LOOK MENTALLY ILL."SO NOW WHEN I GO HOME,

I'M CERTAIN TO WEAR THICK GREEN EYE SHADOW

AND A LINE OF LIPSTICK AROUND MY LIPS, HUH?

"BABY LOOK PRETTY NOW, MOMMY?

- [LAUGHTER] - [MUMBLING]."

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, I WAS A BIT OF A DARK KID.

I WAS READING THAT A LOT OF KIDS IN THE UNITED STATES

ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION YOUNGER AND YOUNGER.

CHILDREN ARE SEEING THE SIPPY CUP AS HALF EMPTY.

- AND AH-- - [LAUGHTER]

I WAS A BIT OF A DARK KID.

I WOULD OCCASIONALLY STAGE MY OWN DEATH FOR FUN.

"MOTHER, I'VE TAKEN A WHOLE BOTTLE OF PILLS."

"OH, MY GOD, WHAT DID YOU TAKE?" "TUMS."

"THOSE ARE YOUR FATHER'S.""WHAT, MOTHER? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

THE CALCIUM IS COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS."

[LAUGHTER]

I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT OF MYSELFAS DEPRESSED AS MUCH AS

- PARALYZED BY HOPE. AND, YEAH--- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

MY MOM SAYS RELIGION MAKES HER HAPPY.

I-- I DON'T KNOW IF I BELIEVE IN GOD.

'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF SOME

TOUCHED BY AN ANG ANGELSITTIN' UP THERE

MAKING DECISIONS LIKE,

[IRISH ACCENT] "I'M GOING TO PUT YOU IN A PARALYZING DIVING ACCIDENT

"SO YOU CAN INSPIREPEOPLE WITH WATERCOLORS

- YOU PAINT WITH YOUR FEET." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I AH-- I WAS SEEING ATHERA-PIST-- THE RAPIST.I CAN'T SAY IT PROPERLY

[HIGH VOICE] 'CAUSE I DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

AND I HAD A LOT OF ANXIETY.

AND MY THERAPIST, SHE TOLD ME TO--

"WHY DON'T WE SING THOSE ANXIETIES ALOUD?

"LET'S TAKE THE POWER AWAY FROM THOSE LITTLE ANXIETIES.

LET'S CALL THOSE ANXIETIES 'GREMLINS.'"

"WHY DON'T I JUST CALL 'EM 'ANXIETIES'?"

"WOULD YOU FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE WITH 'GOBLINS'?"

- "YES." - [LAUGHTER]

THIS IS MY ANXIETY SONG.

♪ IF I KEEP THE KITCHEN FLOOR CLEAN NO ONE WILL DIE ♪

♪ AS LONG AS I CLENCH MY FISTS AT ODD INTERVALS ♪

♪ THEN THE DARKNESS IS--THEN HE WON'T FORCE ME ♪

♪ TO DO ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATELY VIOLENT ♪

♪ OR SEXUAL AT DINNER PARTIES ♪

♪ WHOOF!-- AS LONG AS I KEEP HUMMING A TUNE I WON'T TURN GAY ♪

♪ [HUMMING]

♪ THEY CAN'T GET YA IF YOU'RE SINGIN' A SONG ♪

♪ YEAH

ALL MY FRIENDS, I-- YOU KNOW THEY'RE GOOD PEOPLE

TRYING TO DO THE SPIRITUAL RIGHT THING.

BUT EVERY TIME I TRY--I WAS THINKING I'M GOING TO TAKE

A YEAR OFF, YOU KNOW. GO HELP PEOPLE IN A DIFFERENT PART OF THE WORLD, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW. SELL MY CDs OR SOMETHING.

AND ALL MY FRIENDS FROM L.A. STOPPED ME AND SAY,

"YOU ALREADY DO SO MUCH.YOU MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.

IT'S THE GREATEST GIFT IN THE WORLD."

"I ONLY DO THAT,LIKE, FOUR MINUTES A DAYIF IT'S GOING WELL.

"MAYBE IN THE OFF TIME,I COULD, YOU KNOW,

SPONGE BATHE THE DYING OR JUST HOSE THINGS OFF A LITTLE BIT."

"WHY DON'T YOU BUY A PAIR OF FAIR TRADE SHOES

MADE WITH RECYCLED MATERIALS AND DO YOUR PART?"

"I ALREADY HAVE 18 PAIRS OF SHOES.

DON'T YOU THINK CONSCIOUS NEGLECT EQUALS PERPETRATION?"

"OKAY. SOUNDS LIKESOMEBODY NEEDS TO GET A FACIAL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT NOBODY'S PERFECT. MOTHER TERESA-- I WAS THINKING,

YOU KNOW, SHE WAS AN INCREDIBLE PERSON.

BUT-- YOU KNOW,SHE PROBABLY--

I READ A LOT OF WOMEN'S MAGAZINES--

I THOUGHT MAYBE, SHE WASN'T ALWAYS A REALLY GOOD BEST FRIEND, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, [WHINEY VOICE] "YEAH, I KNEW TERESE.

"WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING WEDNESDAY NIGHT."

I CALL HER-- SHE'S LIKE "OH MY GOD, I TOTALLY FORGOT.

I HAVE TO SERVE THE POORAND HELP THE LORD."

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S NOT COOL. WE HAD PLANS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO-- ME AND TERESE-- UM, SHE AND ALL OF HER NUN FRIENDS COME OVER

AND WE WATCH DVDs AND STUFF. AND THE PIZZA CAME.

AND I'M, LIKE, "OKAY, YOU GUYS, GOT TO CHIP IN."

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, WE TOOK A VOW OF POVERTY.

WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY." IT'S LIKE, "OKAY, THAT'S FINE.

BUT ALL YOU ALL'S OWE ME 6 BUCKS.

- ALL YOU ALL'S." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SOMEBODY AT WORK WHO HATES YOU AND YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY?

OOF! I USED TO HAVETHIS GIRLFRIEND AT WORK.

WE STARTED OUT ON THE WRONG FOOT.

HER NAME WAS VINETTE. I ASKED HER WHERE SHE WAS FROM.

SHE SAID,"GLENDALE, CALIFORNIA."

I SAID, "OH, THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE REALLY NICE."

SHE SAID, "YEAH...IT IS."

"ARE WE FIGHTING NOW? BECAUSE, GIRLFRIEND,

- I WILL THROW DOWN." - [LAUGHTER]

AND SHE STOPPED TALKING TO ME

EVEN THOUGH I KEPT TALKING TO HER.

LIKE YOU, I'M A FRIENDLY PERSON.

I KEPT TALKING TO HER EVEN THOUGH TALKING TO HER WAS

LIKE SHOUTING INTO THE WIND OF AN ANGRY DESERT THAT SHOWS

NO MERCY EVEN TO THE BENEVOLENT ARMADILLO.

EVERY MORNING I'D GO IN THERE, "GOOD MORNING, VINETTE."

[ANGRY WIND NOISES]

HEY, I'M HEADING OUT FOR LUNCH. CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

[ANGRY WIND NOISES CONTINUE]

- TGIF-- HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND. - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND I KNOW SHE DIDN'T LIKE ME PERSONALLY

'CAUSE SHE TALKED TO ANYBODY ELSE ABOUT ANYTHING.

[MALE VOICE] "HEY, VINETTE, WE GOT A PACKAGE HERE FOR YA."

[FEMALE VOICE] "MY CAT GOT OUT THIS WEEKEND AND SHE GOT AS FAR AS

"THE FRONT WALK AND SHE LOOKS UP AT ME LIKE, 'WHAT?'

- AND I'M LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[ANGRILY] "VINETTE, WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME THE WONDERFUL CAT STORY?"

I TRIED TO REACH HER TELEPATHICALLY. "VINETTE."

BUT I DID EVENTUALLYGET HER TO TALK ABOUT ME

WHICH IS REALLY ALMOST AS SATISFYING.

"SOMEONE KEEPS LEAVING A NUDE POSTER OF DAVID HASSELHOFF

IN THE COLOR COPIER." "IT'S ME, VINETTE. IT'S ME."

"SOMEONE WENT IN THE KITCHEN

AND LAMINATED ALL THECOCOA PACKETS TOGETHER."

"ME AGAIN, VINETTE. ME AGAIN."

"SOMEONE IS ALWAYS IN THE UNISEX BATHROOM

SINGING SPANISH FOLK SONGS."

[MUMBLING SPANISH FOLK SONG]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST ANOTHER STOP ON MYBURNING BRIDGES TOUR.

AND I WAS WORKINGFOR A GIANT CORPORATION.

AND I CAN'T SAY THE NAMEOF WHAT IT IS BECAUSE

IT'S THE UMBRELLA UNDER WHICHI MAY BE SHELTERED AT THIS TIME.

SO LET'S JUST CALL IT "JOOBLYGOOP."

AND MY SUPERVISOR-- LET'S CALL HIM "GREEN BEAN"--

SAID THAT THERE WERE CERTAIN BIGWIGS WHO YOU SHOULD

NEVER PUT ON HOLD.CERTAIN VIPs YOU SHOULDNEVER PUT ON HOLD.

AND I COULD NEVER REMEMBER WHO THOSE PEOPLE WERE.

SO I PUT EVERYONE ON HOLDAND I CONFERENCED THEM

AND I LET THEM SORT IT OUT AMONGST THEMSELVES.

BUT GREEN BEAN FIRED ME. AND HE SAID,

"YOU ARE NEVER GONNA WORK FOR JOOBLYGOOP AGAIN."

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL HIM--

BUT I'D ACTUALLY BEEN FIRED FROM THERE 14 TIMES BEFORE.

"AH, DUDE, I'M A TEMP. I'LL BE BACK. I WILL.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"RIGHT NOW I'M HERE. BUT NEXT WEEK I'LL CALL YOU FROM ACCOUNTING, HUH?

"YEAH. DON'T PUT ME ON HOLD. YOU KNOW WHAT? GO AHEAD.

"THAT GIVES ME MORE TIME TO READMY ILLUSTRATED BOOK OF SEA COWS.

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL CREATURES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I TRAVEL A LOT AND SO NOW I LIKE TO BRING MY CELL PHONE,

YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY HAVE A CONFERENCE AT THE HOTEL.

THAT'S NICE.

I CAN GO DOWN AND MINGLE WITH MY FELLOW BUSINESS PEOPLE.

"YEAH. UH-HUH. YEAH, I JUST GOT OUT ON BAIL. YEAH.

"NO, I DID IT. NO, I DID IT.YEAH. HA, HA, HA!

"I DID 900 BILLION OF THOSE GILLION BILLION TRILLION

"BILLION GILLION BUTTERSCOTCH.

"YEAH. ON MY DESK-- NO, IN IT-- NO, ON IT. YEAH, IN IT.

"YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.BY, BY TWILIGHT.

"BEFORE YOU TRANSFER ME TO THE ALBINO BABY HIPPO DEPARTMENT,

"COULD YOU CANCEL MY FLIGHT OUT OF JFK?

"YEAH. I'M JUST GONNA WALK. YEAH.

MAMA'S JUST GONNA HOOF IT. ALL RIGHT."

I-- I WAS STAYING IN A VERY FANCY HOTEL RECENTLY.

I DON'T WANT TO BRAG BUTIT RHYMES WITH "SCHMUBBLE TREE."

- AND-- YES. - [LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS HAVINGMY SWEET FREE BREAKFAST

NEXT TO THE ORANGE JUICE MACHINE.

[WHIRRING SOUND]

RIGHT? THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE-- ORANGE JUICE MACHINE.

AND MY FELLOWBUSINESS PERSON SAT DOWNAND HE WAS A BIT OF A--

YOU KNOW, CONFIDENT, YOU KNOW, BUSINESS PERSON.

HE'S LIKE, "SO, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

WHAT KIND OF WORK TO DO YOU?" "I'M A-- I'M A COMEDIENNE."

- [WHIRRING SOUND] - [LAUGHTER]

"COMEDY? YEAH. I ALWAYS THOUGHT IF I DID COMEDY, YOU KNOW,

I'D DO, LIKE, SEINFELD.YOU KNOW, I'D DO, LIKE,

JOKE, JOKE, JOKE. GET A TV SHOW.AND THEN JUST [BLEEP] COAST."

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - [WHIRRING SOUND]

"YEAH. ME, TOO. ME, TOO.THAT'S WHAT I WAS GONNA DO, TOO.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA TO, TOO."

"SO, WHAT KIND OF WORK DO YOU DO FOR FUN?"

"I'M MAKING AN ART CLASSAT THE WIZARD OF ART.

"I'M CURRENTLY MAKINGA PAINTING OF AN APPLE.

IT'S-- IT'S CALLED 'APPLE.'"

"YEAH, ART. YEAH, I ALWAYS SAID IF I DID ART, I'D DO, LIKE, PICASSO.

"YOU KNOW [BLEEP] THAT JUST BLOWS PEOPLE'S MINDS.

"THEN MAKE A MILLION OF 'EM, MAKE TOTE BAGS, KEY CHAINS

AND THEN JUST [BLEEP] COAST."

"YEAH, THAT'S WHAT-- RIGHT NOW, I'M JUST WORKING ON

THE COLORS RIGHT NOW. JUST WORKING ON THE COLORS."

"YEAH, SO LISTEN, I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

BUT GOOD LUCK WITH ALL THAT."

"YEAH, I'M GONNA GET OUT OF HERE, TOO.

"BUT WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I'M GONNA [BLEEP] TAKE THE FREE PEANUT BUTTER PACKETS

"AND I'M GONNA [BLEEP] BLOW MYSELF OUT OF THE WATER

"AND THEN I'M GONNA SUCCEED AT IT.

"AND THEN I'M GONNA GO UP TO MY HOTEL ROOM

"AND SHOTGUN A DIET COKE AND DO MY POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS

"FROM THAT BOOK 'THE ARTIST'S WAY'

AND THEN I'M GONNA [BLEEP] COAST."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I'M ALWAYS GETTIN' ASKED, YOU KNOW, AS A COMEDIENNE,

YOU KNOW-- "WHEN-- WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE ON TV?

COME ON, WHEN-- WHEN--" I DON'T KNOW WHENI'M GOING TO BE ON TV.

"WELL, COOL. WHEN ARE YOU GONNA BE ON TV?"

I'M RIGHT HERE. YOU KNOWIF YOU PUT YOUR HANDS LIKE THIS,

IT'S KIND OF LIKE I'M ON TV, RIGHT?

IS THAT PRETTY GOOD? IS THAT GOOD?

"OH, COME ON. WHEN ARE YOU GONNA BE ON TV?"

"DAD--" "[SNORING LOUDLY]."

[GRUNTING] MY DAD'S REALLY JUST A SERIES OF SOUND EFFECTS.

[DEEP GRUNTING, HEAVY SNORING]

[WHEEZING, SNORING-WHEEZING]

EVERYTHING OKAY OVER THERE, DAD?"WHO? YEAH." [GARGLING NOISE]

MY DAD, HE'S A DOCTORSO HE'S VERY SUCCESSFUL.

BUT HE'S OBSESSED WITH FOOD.

MY MOM HAS HIM ON A HEART HEALTHY DIET.

SO HE'S ALWAYS TELLING ME ABOUT HIS SECRET STASHES

WITH ALL THESERIOUSNESS OF A "POW."

"HEY, KID, [SNORING, GARGLING] I GOT SOME POWDERED DONUTS.

YEAH. THEY'RE IN THE FREEZER UNDERNEATH THE VEGETABLE CRAP."

"JOE, WHAT ARE YOU WHISPERING ABOUT?

YOU HAVE GOT POWDERED SUGAR ALL OVER YOUR FACE."

- "AH, [BLEEP]. RUN, KID. RUN!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THOUGH I LIKE TO INTRODUCE HER AS

"THIS IS MY SISTER SARAH. SHE CUTS UP THE DEAD

- INTO CHUNKS. YEAH. YEAH" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE SHE'S MY OLDER SISTER. SHE'S ALWAYS TELLING ME ABOUT

DIFFERENT DISEASESSHE THINKS I MIGHT HAVE.

"OKAY, YOU KNOW HOW YOU HAVE THAT ONE DARK CURLY HAIR THAT

"COMES OUT OF YOUR NECK?YOU'VE SEEN IT, RIGHT?

"I AM JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU.

"OKAY, THAT ONE DARK, CURLY CREEPY DISGUSTING-- OKAY.

"AND YOUR BREASTS ARE, LIKE, REALLY SMALL?

"DUDE, IT'S CALLED 'TOSIS.' IT'S A SYNDROME.

"YOU GOT TO GET YOUR HORMONES CHECKED OR YOU'RE GONNA

WAKE UP AND BE COVERED IN FUR LIKE A WEREWOLF."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"SHUT UP, SARAH." "OH, SHUT UP, 'WEREWOLF.'"

[LAUGHTER]

MY SISTER HAS A REALLY GOOD TV SHOW IDEA.

SHE SAYS-- "OKAY. SO IT'S LIKE A MAKEOVER SHOW.

"WE COME INTO YOUR HOUSE. WE-- WE, LIKE, TELL YOU

"EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR FAMILY

"AND YOUR JOB AND YOUR OUTFITS AND YOUR DECORATING

"AND YOUR RELATIONSHIPS AND YOUR THOUGHT PROCESSES

"AND THEN WE JUST LEAVE YOU THERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO TRUCK COMES. [SINISTER LAUGH]"

IT'S GONNA BE CALLED ME, MY MOM AND A MONSTER.

AND MONSTER HAS NO CREDIT HISTORY

SO WE ALL GOT TO LIVE TOGETHER.

MY MOM'S, LIKE, "HONEY, WE CAN'T LIVE WITH A MONSTER.

"HE'S 80,000 POUNDS. AND HE HAS HIS,

"YOU KNOW TINY LITTLE CLAWS UP IN THE ATTIC

"AND THEN HIS GIANT HINDQUARTERS IN THE GARAGE.

AND THERE'S NO PLACE TO SIT DOWN."

"MOTHER, HE HAS NOWHERE TO GO."

[MONSTER SPEAK] "MONSTER HAVE NOWHERE TO GO."

- [GRUMBLING] - [LAUGHTER]

AND THEN THE MONSTER STARTS BORROWING MY CLOTHES, RIGHT,

AND I'M LIKE, "YOU CAN'T WEAR MY CAPRI PANTS.

YOU'RE TOTALLY STRETCHIN' 'EM OUT."

[GRUMBLING] [MONSTER SPEAK] "CAPRI PANTS.

[GRUMBLING CONTINUES] CAPRI PANTS."

AND THEN-- YOU KNOW-- THE--HE AND MY MOM START HANGIN' OUT.

AND I'M LIKE, "WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOIN'?"

AND SHE'S, LIKE, "HONEY, WE'RE GOING TO CHURCH."

"MOM, THE MONSTER DOESN'T UNDERSTAND RELIGION." "HONEY, HE LOVES TO SING."

[GRUMBLING]

[MONSTER SPEAK] ♪ JESUS

[GRUMBLING, SNORTING]

AND THE MONSTER WILL BE PLAYED BY DAME JUDI DENCH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHEN YOU REALIZE,HEY, MAYBE WE HAVE

TOO MUCH FREEDOM IN THE UNITED STATES.

"CAN I ASK YOU A QUICK QUESTION ABOUT THE COFFEE?

"IS IT ORGANIC? OKAY, I DON'T WANT IT. I DON'T WANT IT.

"I'D LIKE TO HAVE--I'D LIKE TO HAVE A BOWLOF BOILING HOT WATER.

"BOILING-- BOILING-- WITH ICE.

"AND I DON'T WANT THE ICE TO GET ALL TINY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"AND THEN I'D LIKE TO HAVE THE TURKEY BURGER

BUT I WANT IT SECTIONEDINTO 14 QUADRANTS.

"I KNOW THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE BUT DO IT,

"AND THEN NOT ON A PLATE,NOT ON A PLATE.

"DROPPED FROM THE ALTITUDE OF 10 FEET PIECE BY PIECE

"INTO MY HANDS WITH AN ATTITUDE OF REGRET.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. I HATE TO BE A PAIN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN YOU GO BACK TO YOUR HOMETOWN OF DULUTH, MINNESOTA

- AND YOU MEET YOUR-- - [LOUD CHEERING]

- ALL RIGHT. - [LAUGHTER]

AND YOU GO BACK TO YOURHOMETOWN AND YOU MEET UPWITH YOUR ARCHENEMY,

CHRISTIE COMBS FROM HIGH SCHOOL AT TARGET

AND YOU REALIZE NOTHING'S CHANGED AT ALL.

AND YOU'RE STILL THE GREAT BIG HOSE BEAST YOU ALWAYS WERE.

[LAUGHTER]

"SO I SAW YOU ON TV OR WHATEVER.

"IT WAS JUST LIKE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

IT'S, LIKE, YOU'RE NOT FUNNY. YOU'RE JUST WEIRD."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"COMED-- COMEDY'S SUB-- SUBJECTIVE.

IT'S AN ART-- ART FORM."

"SO, ARE YOU GAY? 'CAUSE I HEARD A LOT OF

WOMEN COMEDIENNES ARE GAY." "NO, I'M NOT GAY.

"I MEAN, IT'D BE OKAY IF I WAS BUT I'M NOT."

"WELL, THAT'S GOOD. 'CAUSE REMEMBER WHEN WE ALL WENT TO CHRISTIAN BIBLE CAMP,

"WE ALL WENT SKINNY DIPPIN' THAT ONE NIGHT.

"YOU WOULDN'T TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

"AND I'M LIKE, 'OH MY GOD,YOU GOT NOTHING TO SHOW ANYWAY.'

"AND THEN YOU TOOK IT OFF AND WE ALL GAVE YOU TITTY TWISTERS?

"I WAS, LIKE, OH MY GOD, IF YOU'RE A [BLEEP,]

"WE'D HAVE BEEN ALL TURNED ON BY THAT.

"AND THEN I JUST GOT ALL GROSSED OUT.

"[SOUND OF HEAVY BREATHING]

PRESS DEBIT OR CREDIT"?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BOO-YAH!

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