CC Presents: Matt Fulchiron

  • Season 15, Ep 11
  • 01/11/2011

have had sex before.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's okay, ma'am,you don't have to--

One time when we were done,like right afterwards

and I mean the secondit was done,

and I mean the momentit was done,

she let outthis big yawn.

Just like, "Uh!"

Yeah...

Looks like I worethat ass out.

[audience laughing]

No, I don't think so.

I think I boredthat ass to death.

I'll get married,why not?

Right?

What do I got to loosein a divorce?

Three and a halfpairs of pants?

Let's do this.

That's how I feel.

It's the worst proposalof all time.

All my married friendsare unhappy, right?

Every time mymarried friends--

every time their wivesgo out of town,

they call me up all franticand out of breath just like,

"Yo, Matt, we gottago out drinking!

"My wife's out of town!

"We gotta do thisright now!

"Freeeedom!"

[applause]

Does that sound likesomeone who's content

with his livingsituation?

The woman thatmakes me really happy

is nowhere near mewhich makes me really happy.

Take care of your credit,everybody.

That's the main messageof my show tonight.

My credit's so bad,

Mastercard startedsending me bills in Spanish.

[audience laughing]

That's what happens.

Anything you'regroaning about

is you own racistlittle thought,

in your ownracist little minds.

You're a huge bigot.

You have a secretpersonality.

You're Tyler Durdenand you don't even know it!

Got my taxesdone this year.

I'm living my life--Ya'll can't stop me.

Why you trying to stop mefrom doing my taxes

guy in the fourth row?

Tax guy called me up,he's like,

"I got an appointment for yaon April fourth

"at four o'clock."

and I was like, "Cool".

And April's the fourthmonth of the year,

so he's like,"Look at that--

"We're meeting atfour, four, at four."

And I was like, "Cool."

And he's like, "Great,so I'll see you on all fours!"

And I was like, "Uh..."

[audience laughing]

like I was some kind ofprivate detective

or some [deleted].

I was checking in.

They were like,"Do you want a bathroom

"or no bathroom?"

I was like, "Uh, I thinkI'll take a bathroom."

You know me,so high maintenance.

[audience laughing]

Always pissin'in a toilet bowl

like I wasthe King of England.

Call me pampered.

I hate wearin' Pampers.

I thinkit's disgusting.

That's the onlydiaper joke I do.

I do it just in casethere's a row full of babies

in the back.

And one of themstands up and goes,

"Finally, a comedianthat knows what the [deleted]

"I'm talking about."

[cheers and applause]

My friend Eddie wants meand my girlfriend

to have a baby.

Which, I can'tafford a baby.

I can't even affordan abortion.

[audience laughing]

Not this month.

I am pro-lifeby default.

Like physically,not mentally.

But physically--I gotta keep that thing.

And I don't- I don't knowhow to raise a baby.

It acts up you gottakick it in the face.

I don't havethe stomach for that.

I like, uh, I like having,uh, girlfriends.

I don't likegoing out on dates,

spending moneyjust not to get laid.

I gotta girlfriend.

I can not get laidfor free.

Thank you very much.

Further insuring I will neverget laid once this airs.

[audience laughing]

I like to impress girls,though.

Holy [deleted]just look at me.

You catch more flieswith honey...

but you catch more honeyswhen you're fly.

[cheers and applause]

Am I wrong about that?

You might hatethat joke today

but you'll stillquote it tomorrow.

I don't know why that is.

Been on terribledates, ya'll.

Went on a datewith this one girl,

asked her what she wantedto be when she grew up

'cause she was onlylike 28-years-old.

And she was like,"I wanna be like a volunteer

"but like, I wannaget paid for it."

And I was like, "Uh,I think you wanna be

"an employee."

[audience laughing]

Hate to get all tricky withmy English and [deleted]

but that's whatyou wanna be.

Say that from now on.

That's howthat sentence goes.

She flipped it on meall like it was a pancake.

She's like, "How doyour parents feel about

"you being such a loser?"

I was like, "Pffft...I haven't told 'em yet."

[audience laughing]

I was walking ina liquor store one time

to get some gum andsome liquor, aka brunch,

aka combo mealnumber three...

That's french for three.

Get an education--Try to keep up.

The homeless guy waslike, uh, he goes,

"Hey, can Iget some money?"

I was like, "I'm reallybroke right now."

He's like,"Maybe on the way out."

I was like,"I'm gonna be more broke

"on the way out."

God, homeless peopleare so stupid!

It's probably why they'reso goddamn homeless

all the time.

[audience laughing]

Here's something fun to doif you're into having fun.

You go into the liquor storeand get a miniature vodka,

one like this big.

And when you hand the guythe money you be like,

"Yo, I'm getting[deleted] up tonight, dog!

"'Cause I just got paidup out this bitch.

"That's why."

That's only ifyou like having fun.

Don't rush into anythingyou're not ready for,

all right?

Another fun thing to do,

go downtown find somebodyin a business suit

and be like,"Hey, dick, get a job!"

And they'll be like,"I'm wearing a suit."

Be like, "You're not foolinganybody, ass [deleted]!"

Just make sure that light'sabout to turn green.

Don't make the same mistakeme and my mother made.

Oh, my god--Worst Christmas ever.

There's a lot of peerpressure out there

running rampantin the streets.

You guys have todeal with it.

I have todeal with it.

My friend Steve wants meto come over his house

and watch "Dirty Dancing Two,Havana Nights."

I don't wanna watch"Dirty Dancing Two."

I'm like, no Swayze?

No way-ze.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Swayze, Patrick Swayze hada song out in the '80s called

"She's Like The Wind."

And, uh, me and mygirlfriend heard it

three timesin one day.

A phenomenon known onlyas sway-ja-voo.

[audience laughing]

got a bed.

[audience laughing]

Thank you.

Thank you.

[applause]

Bed sleepers--Anybody sleep in a bed?

At night?

Oh, best way to sleepup in a mother [deleted] bed.

Don't even get me startedon blankets.

I get into bedwith blankets...

I just startsleeping, man.

I can't help it.

I'm-I'm a bed sleeper.

That's just who I am.

That's justhow I was raised.

Sleeping on anair mattress for a while,

just like two years.

Uh...

[audience laughing]

When you go to the storeand you buy an air mattress

to sleep onas your main bed

they should give youa free box of tissues

'cause that is a sad,sad purchase.

On the box it's like,"Great for sleep-overs,

"and slumber parties,and camping trips."

but it should be like,

"Great for reallybad decisions,

"economic disasters,divorce,

"my old drug addiction.

"Every day is a bad daywhen you wake up

"on the wrong sideof the floor."

[audience laughing]

Been homeless before--It happens to everybody.

You get older,you get homeless.

It's a phase.

We've all beenthrough it.

Stare at me quietlyif you've ever been homeless.

Yeah, everybody here--I know it sucks, right?

I knew I'd be finewhen I was homeless.

It's like that expression,

"Every time Godcloses a door..."

something, something--I don't know the expression.

Whenever someone'squoting it to me

I stop listeningand start thinking about

how screwed I am

'cause God's up in heavenslamming doors in my face.

Oh, come on, God.

That's all kinds of rude.

On the seventh dayyou should have created

some mannersfor yourself.

Every time God closesa door, I open a beer.

[cheers and applause]

What kind of beer?

Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Why, the Blue Ribbon?

'Cause I'm a winner--I won the prize.

I'm drinking the prize--I'm number one.

Can I have the prize?

As long as I have $3.50in my pocket,

I can havesix prizes a night...

and that's whyI love America.

to my hotel room

and watch pornographyon Comedy Central's dime.

That's my favoritething to do.

Per diem?

Per jerk 'em.

Ha-Ha!

Dirty movies onpay per view at a hotel

are advertisedwith the slogan,

"Spice up your stay."

Do they spice upyour stay?

A little bit.

Do they spice upyour check out?

A lot.

Whenever you order thesethings it's like,

"Titles do not appearon statement."

And that's true, titlesdo not appear on statement.

But you know what does appearwhen I'm checking out?

Guilt and shame...all over my face.

There's no titleson the bill

but the girl behindthe counter knows

I'm not layingdown $24.99

to watch"Jack Ass Two."

Maybe, "Ass Jack Two"but not, "Jack Ass Two."

[audience laughing]

I didn't wanna bea comedian growing up.

But it's like where elsecan you make $35

in one night?

Do you know what I mean?

[applause]

I-I gotta do this!

How else am I gonna knock outmy monthly chewing gum bill?

I like quitting jobs,it's fun.

You know,don't just walk out

I always put inmy two weeks notice.

I always go in the office belike, "Yo, I'm putting in

"my two weeks notice.

"Why don't ya'll noticehow I don't do [deleted]

"for the next two weeks."

[cheers and applause]

Keep track of that'cause you bitches

gonna be payingfor that.

Starting now.

I'm college educatedand that's obvious

just by the way I speak,by the way I carry myself.

I messed up so bad.

I got a visual arts degree.

Which, a visual artsdegree will get you

about as much workin the real world

as like, I don't knowa felony conviction.

[audience laughing]

My diploma had couponsat the bottom of it.

Had coupons...at the bottom of it.

Don't need to be rich,right?

Just need to make enough moneyso I can go to the ATM

and look at my receiptwithout having to say

curse words...out loud.

I just need to make enoughmoney so I can cook

macaroni and cheesewith milk...

and butter.

I just need to make enoughmoney so I can live in

a neighborhood wherejust one person,

just one personspeaks English.

Is that,is that racist?

Yes, can I have that?

No, that's notavailable to me.

Not in the United Statesof America.

Maybe in Arizona, but...

I don't thinkI'm moving there.

I don't know if I havethe proper documentation.

[audience laughing]

Try to send me backIreland or some [deleted].

I do not speakthe language.

You knowwhat I mean.

Just moved inwith my girlfriend.

I tell the audiencethat up front.

I don't like girlstrying to get with me

after the show.

Trying to legally obtainhalf of all my debt.

All right--Ya'll need to back up.

We need me more securityin this room.

Love living withmy girlfriend.

'Cause I live with nothingbut dudes most of my life.

And I'm a grown ass man,

which means I've hadgrown ass men roommates

which is grown assdisgusting, all right?

Had a bald roommatebefore--

and I'm not here tomake fun of the bald.

I got my own situationgoing on, all right?

This story ain'tending well at all.

[audience laughing]

However, comma...

a bald roommate isnature's alarm clock.

Wake up, it's time to movethe [deleted] out.

Especially if yourroommate had hair

when you moved in.

Wake up, it's over.

That dream's over.

Lock down thatrelationship.

Get that job.

Register your carfor Christ sake.

Do it for Jesus.

Had messy roommates.

All roommates are messy.

Neat peopleget their own place.

This is life,welcome to it.

What are you new?

Had a roommate goingthrough the refrigerator.

He's lookingfor something to eat.

He's like, "Hey, Matt, isthis pasticcio pudding

"or is this guacamole?"

I was like,"Dude, that's bacon.

[audience laughing]

"You need to throwthat [deleted] out

"right quick, son."

[audience laughing]

a rapper growing up.

But I turned out all whiteand everything.

Yes, it washumiliating, man.

Was kicked outof N.W.A.

for the colorof my skin.

S-still getting over it.

Started my own rap groupcalled H.W.G.

Which stands for"Honkies With Gratitude."

Had the hit single,"Thank The Police."

You guys neverheard this song?

You guys never heard,

"Comin' StraightOut Of Nordstrom's?"

That's me.

"Coming straightout of Nordstrom's

"a crazy mother [deleted]named Matthew

"headed to the food courtfor cookies with cashews."

[cheers and applause]

They've been rocking thatin Japan since Thanksgiving.

They don't even haveThanksgiving in Japan.

My grandfathermade sure of that.

[audience groaning]

I don't like, uh--Hey, hey!

World War II happened,everybody.

You're gonna have to dealwith that sooner or later.

I don't like hip hopon the radio

'cause they take outall the curse words,

which means they take outall the words, right?

Turn on the hip hopstations it's like,

"I'm gonna-- you up so-- bad.

"Gonna-- in the--till you're motha'-- mad.

"And after that-- I'm gonna--your motha'-- sister.

"I'm gonna-- out--

[cheers and applause]

"Not even gonna kiss her."

There was a lot ofsodomy in that joke

but it wasin your minds.

My grandfathermade sure of that.

Everybody speaks thehip hop lingo nowadays.

I was watchingthe news a while ago.

They found a gunin this kid's locker

and they were talkingabout the kid

and the newscasterwas like, "Yes,

"the boy often feltdissed by his peers."

They used the word dissedon the news ten years ago?

Ten years from now,you'll turn on the news

gonna sound like a rap albumwithout the beats.

You turn on the newsit's gonna be like,

"In our dopest storyton-iz-ite...

"the five-oh's are runninga quick fast in a hurry

"on Robert Stevens in an attemptto put him on lock down.

"This repugnantshiz-nit went down

"after Stevens busted a capin his boy's grill

"placing him foreverin the black lands.

"The B froze up whenStevens allegedly fronted

"claiming full ownershipon an entire $20 sack

"of the chronic...

"when in fact,he'd only put five on it.

[cheers and applause]

Feeling goodabout myself.

I, uh, I was putting it offfor weeks and weeks and weeks.

Finally, yesterdaygot around to, uh,

quitting the gym.

Which, like...I hate the gym.

I don't think I've evergoing back to Curves.

You know what I mean?

Like... finally got mytitties down to a B-cup

but it's just, it's justnot worth it, man.

I hate the gym.

I hate driving aroundlooking for a parking spot

for a hour and a halfjust so I can go inside

and ride a bike thatdoesn't go anywhere

for 20 minutes.

[audience laughing]

That's all I do at the gym,pretend to ride a bike,

pretend to climb stairs,pretend to climb a ladder.

Like, as long asI'm pretending,

I'm gonna stay homeand watch TV

and pretend likeI'm at the gym...

Pretending to ride a bike.

[applause]

An applause breakfor laziness.

God bless America.

Been off marijuanasince 2:00 pm.

I feel good about that.

That's very exciting.

I think it's gonnawork out this time.

Marijuana is a waste of timeand a waste of money,

all right?

Got stoned two weeks ago.

Went to Las Vegasto gamble.

Spent an hour and a halfplaying a Coke machine.

Like, yeah, I wona prize every time...

but try cashing in500 Dr. Pepper's

they don't accept it.

Now I got no currency.

Try payinga hooker in soda.

They won't take iteither.

They're whores.

[audience laughing]

Hookers are the biggestwhores I know.

They act like [deleted]prostitutes.

No?

[audience laughing]

Glad to be working,right fifth row?

God damn right.

I need the money.

Broke as a bike lockin Newark.

Take that Newark.

You could have been New Yorkif you tried harder.

Or just pronounced your namea little bit different.

Everybody's on TV complainingabout the recession.

I love the recession.

Like, everybody'sfinally coming down

to my financial level.

Right?

I feel so good about that!

Love when everybody'sas broke as me.

I'm getting so much good[deleted] on Craigslist,

right now.

I just gota flat screen TV

with a built inmicrowave oven for $25.

[audience laughing]

I had to take the receiptto the goddamn doctor.

The deal was[deleted] sick.

[audience laughing]

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