Cook, Leary, Regan, Kightlinger

  • Season 1, Ep 10
  • 11/18/2004

Denis Leary hates flying, Brian Regan divulges some childhood experiences, and Laura Kightlinger sees the Bush era as the best political climate for drinking.

(Robert Hawkins)IF YOU WANT TO SING INMY CAR, GO AHEAD, SING.

SING THE WHOLETRIP--I DON'T MIND.

BUT DO ME A FAVOR.

DON'T TRY TO SOUND LIKETHE ARTIST ON THE RADIO.

JUST USE YOUR OWN VOICE.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TRICK MEINTO THINKIN' DAVE MATTHEWS

JUMPED IN THE CAR WHENI WAS GETTING GAS.

I'M IN THE CAR ONE TIME,DAVE MATTHEWS IS ON.

MY BUDDY'S IN THEPASSENGER'S SIDE,

ALL BOLD IN MY EAR...

(mimicking DaveMatthews singing)♪ HOPPIN' DOWN PURPLY

♪ FLEAS 'N TITTILLY

♪ HAY 'N HIGGUM ANTSAN' TARANTULAS ♪

♪ 'N CENTIPEDES 'NBUGS 'N STUFF ♪

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT?

WHAT DO THEY EXPECTYOUR REACTION TO BE?

NEATO, FRITO,BANDITO, MAN!

YOU SOUND LIKEHIM, KINDA...

IN A ROUNDABOUT, HALF-ASSED,BACKWARD KINDA WAY.

IF HE WAS HAVIN' A STROKE,BEIN' STUFFED IN A TUBA,

AND BEING BEATEN WITHA BAG OF KITTENS.

HOW DO YOU MANAGE IT,YOU TALENTED THING?

YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT THE GUYFROM CREED'S THIRD COUSIN,

SECOND REMOVED, IF HELIVED IN A BURLAP SACK,

AND WAS BEATEN WITH ANOAR EVERY FIVE MINUTES?

WELL, YA COULD'AFOOLED ME, MAN.

IF HE DIED, YOUCOULD BE HIM.

THEN YOU CAN GO ON TOUR.

I CAN BE YOUR ROADIE, ANDGET ALL YOUR THROWAWAY TRIM.

(Patrice)AH, YOU KNOW WHAT, NICK?

WHEN I BECOME A BIG STAR, YOUCAN HAVE MY THROWAWAY TRIM.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

ALL RIGHT, THANKS!

HEY, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK

YOU'RE GONNA BE ABIG STAR AND NOT ME?

I THOUGHT WE WERE A TEAM!

YEAH, WE WILL BE,IN THE BEGINNING,

(Patrice)BUT YOU'LL BECOME A JERK...

AND PISS ALLYOUR MONEY AWAY.

I SAID CRISTAL, BITCH!

YOU'RE FIRED!

AND WHY ISN'T SOMEBODYSUCKING MY (bleep)?

THEN IT ALL GOES TO HELLWHEN YOU GET CAUGHT

SLEEPING WITH AUNDERAGE GIRL.

I SWEAR, SHE TOLDME SHE WAS ONE!

(Brian Regan)"COME UP WITH AGOOD ACTIVITY!"

THAT'S THE LANGUAGE MYMOM USED WITH US, YOU KNOW.

ONE OF OUR ACTIVITIESWAS MAKING BIKE RAMPSOUT IN THE STREET...

'CAUSE THAT'S WHEREALL THE CARS ARE.

YOU PUT A CEMENT BLOCK OUTIN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD,

YOU ANGLE A PIECEOF WOOD UP TO IT.

THE OBJECT WAS FOR ONEKID TO GET ON HIS BIKE,

RIDE AS FAST AS HE COULD ANDSEE HOW HIGH HE COULD GO.

AND THAT'S AS FARAS WE PLANNED.

IT WASN'T UNTILTHE FIRST KID WAS,

LIKE, FLIPPING IN THE AIR--

WHAT HAPPENS NOW?WE DON'T KNOW!

HE HIT A MAILBOX.

WE HAD A BUNCHOF NINE-YEAR-OLDPARAMEDICS RUNNING UP.

WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

OH-OH, GET SOME LEAVES!

HEY, THAT WASTHE EASY PART.

THE HARD PART WAS BEING THEKID THAT GOT SENT IN FIRST

TO CALM MOM DOWNBEFORE YOU DRAGGED IN

THE ACTUALBANGED-UP BROTHER.

SO YOU'D HAVE TO RUN IN--

(breathless)HEY-HEY, MOM, OH,EVERYTHING'S FINE.

I JUST WANTED TO RUN INAT FULL SPEED AND, UH,

YOU KNOW, SAY HI,AND, UH, OKAY, SO...

OH, YOU KNOW KEVIN?

OH, OKAY, OF COURSE.

OKAY, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW,LIKE, HIS RIGHT ARM,

USUALLY IT-IT WOULDBEND LIKE THAT?

OKAY, IT'S NOT BENDINGLIKE THAT RIGHT NOW.

AND IT'S NO BIG DEAL 'CAUSEWE ALREADY LOOKED AT IT,

BUT WE WERE THINKINGSINCE YOU SAID

THAT YOU HAD TO GO GETMILK LATER, ANYWAY,

THEN WE WERE ALLTHINKING IF WHEN YOU GO,

YOU JUST MIGHT WANT TOTAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL.

AND IF YOU GET PEANUTBUTTER, GET SMOOTH!

MOTHER (bleep).

WHAT THE HELLWAS HIS PROBLEM?

YOU KNOW, I WAS ONAN AIRPLANE ONCE.

IT WAS AWFUL.

(Nick)SOME BABY IN FRONT OF MEWOULDN'T STOP CRYING.

WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?

OH, MY GOD.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD HAVESLAPPED THE (bleep) OUT

OF THAT LITTLE ASS(bleep).

IT'S BABIES LIKE THATTHAT GIVE THE RESTOF US A BAD NAME.

HAVE SOME CLASS,YOU DIRT BAG!

(Adam Ferrara)ON FRIDAY NIGHTS,ITALIANS, ROMAN CATHOLICS,

EAT FISH BECAUSE...

NOBODY KNOWS, REALLY.

I THINK ONE OF THE APOSTLESWAS IN THE FISH BUSINESS.

I THINK IT WAS PAULIE.

PAULIE SAID UNTO JESUS,

LOOK, I GOTTA' TRUCKLOADA' CALAMARI OUT THERE.

YOU TELL 'EM NOMEAT ON FRIDAY.

THEY GONNA EAT FISH, BUT THEYGOTTA GET IT FROM US, UHHH?

STICK WITH ME.

WE WILL RUN SOUTH JERUSALEM,MY LONG-HAIRED FRIEND.

AND YOU'RE GONNANEED SOME HELP

'CAUSE I'VE BEENHEARIN' THINGS.

JUDAS IS WEARIN'A WIRE, OKAY?

THEY GONNA TRY AN' TAKEYOU DOWN AT THAT BIGSUPPER WE GOT PLANNED.

IF I WAS YOU, IWOULD CANCEL.

JUST TELL 'EM YOU'RE UPTO YOUR ASS IN LEPERS.

YOU CAN'T MAKE IT,YOU'RE SORRY--WHATEVER.

THEN YOU COME WITH ME,WE GET ON DONKEYS,WE HEAD UP NORTH.

I GOT THESEGIRLS UP THERE.

ONE IS NAMED DOLORES.

YOU TURN A LITTLEWATER INTO WINE,

YOU CAN RIDE HER ASS ALLTHE WAY TO BETHLEHEM.

(Nick)THAT GUY PAULIE LOOKSLIKE MY UNCLE PAULIE.

YEAH, WHICH ONE OFYOUR UNCLE PAULIES?

YOU DAMN ITALIANS GOT,LIKE, 50 UNCLE PAULIES.

THE ONE THAT'S IN THE MOB.

YOU GOT AN UNCLEIN THE MOB--COOL!

I'M GONNA BEIN THE MOB TOO.

IT'LL BE GREAT.

(Nick)YOU GET TO STAY OUT LATE,DO ANYTHING YOU WANT,

AND ALL I GOTTA DO TO GETIN IS WHACK SOMEBODY.

HOW THE HELL ARE YOUGONNA WHACK SOMEBODY?

YOU GOT LITTLETINY BABY HANDS,

AND YOU'RE AFRAIDOF EVERYTHING.

JUST FOR THAT, YOU'REGOING TO THE TOP

OF THE WHACKINGLIST, PAL.

OOOOH, I'M AFRAID.

YOU CAN'T EVENSQUEEZE A TRIGGER!

PATRICE, YOU'REMY FRIEND,

BUT DON'T EVER TAKE SIDESAGAINST THE FAMILY.

EVER.

(Patrice)UGHH, BORING...

STUPID.

UGHH, BORING... THISREALLY--THIS STINKS!

(man on tv)OOH, YEAH, BABY...THAT'S IT.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.(man on tv)THAT'S IT!

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'REWRESTLING... NAKED.

AND ONE OF THEMHAS A BAD CUT.

IT LOOKS LIKESHE'S GONNA GET HER(bleep)HOLE KICKED!

NO, I THINK THECHICK'S WINNING.

I MEAN, SHE'S ON TOP.

MM-MM, I FEELSORRY FOR THAT DUDE.

IF WOMEN SEE HIM GETBEAT UP BY A LADY,

HE'LL NEVER GET LAID!

DUDE, BE QUIET...PAY ATTENTION.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THESEMOVES ARE GONNA COME INHANDY DURING A FIGHT.

AH-HA, THE LADY DID WIN.

REALLY, HOW CAN YOU TELL?

'CAUSE THE FIGHT'S OVERAND THE GUY'S UNCONSCIOUS.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, MAYBEWE SHOULD PRACTICE.

LET'S GO.

UH-HUH, NOWWHAT DO WE DO?

I GUESS I'M SUPPOSEDTO PULL YOUR HAIR,

AND YOU CALL ME "BABY."

(Denis Leary)YOU EVER GET ON A PLANE...

THERE'S THE TWONIGHTMARES, RIGHT?

THE FAT GUY.

THAT SUCKS... THESWEATY FAT GUY, RIGHT?

WE'VE ALL HADTHAT GUY, RIGHT?

AND THE FOLDS OF HISFAT ARE, LIKE,

LEANING OVER ONYOUR (bleep).

THAT'S THE WORST.

THE BIG SWEATY FAT--ANDHE'S EATING ALL THE TIME.

YOU EVER SIT NEXTTO A FAT GUY THATBRINGS HIS OWN FOOD?

OH, MAN.

THERE'S NOT ENOUGHFOOD IN THE AIRPLANEFOR YOU, FATSO?

BUT THE SECOND WORST ONEIS THE ONE I HAD TODAY.

THE WOMAN WHOWON'T SHUT UP.

SITTING BEHINDME, AT 24...

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA...

THINKS SHE'S THE MOSTINTERESTING BROAD INTHE HISTORY OF BROADS.

NO!

FIVE HOURS SHE TALKED FOR.

I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP,I WAS EXHAUSTED.

"I WORK AT THE TRAVEL CHANNEL,IT'S REALLY INTERESTING.

"I FLY ALL OVER THE WORLDAND TRAVEL, TRAVEL.

THIS AND THAT, TRAVELTHAT, TRAVEL..."

THE GUY SITTING NEXT TOHER WASN'T HER BOYFRIEND.

REGULAR GUY, WAS LIKE"UHHH... UHHH..."

AND I'M TRYING TO SLEEP,BUT SHE WON'T SHUT UP.

"I FLY ALL OVER THEWORLD AND TRAVEL..."

AND FINALLY, SHEFALLS ASLEEP.

AND I'M WIDE (bleep)AWAKE, ASS(bleep).

AND WHAT'S WITHTHE PILOTS?

THEY HAVE TO COME ON ANDTELL YOU EVERYTHING THEY DO?

FOR THE ENTIRE FLIGHT?

THIS IS YOUR CAPTAINSPEAKING AND, UH,

WE'RE GONNA BE FLYING...RIGHT NOW TO BOSTON AND,UH, WE'LL BE FLYING

OVER COLORADO, AND OVERCHICAGO AND DOWN THE EAST

COAST AND, UH, I'LL BECHECKING IN WITH YOU

FROM TIME TO TIME.

UH, THIS IS THE CAPTAINAGAIN AND, UH, JUST WANTED

TO LET YOU KNOW YOUCAN UNFASTEN YOURSEAT BELTS NOW.

IT SHOULD BE SMOOTH SAILINGFOR THE NEXT FEW HOURS.

UH, THIS IS YOURCAPTAIN AGAIN.

UH, I'M WEARING BLUEPANTS AND A WHITE SHIRT.

I'M A BIG FAN OFWRESTLING AND, UH,

MY FRIENDS CALL ME NICK.

SHUT THE (bleep) UP ANDFLY THE (bleep) PLANE!

I DON'T WANT TO HEARANY (bleep) REPORTS

UNLESS WE'RE GOINGDOWN, ALL RIGHT?

IF WE'RE GOINGDOWN, I WANNA HEAR,

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE,OKAY, SEE YOU LATER."

THAT'S ALL--THAT'SALL I NEED, OKAY?

I WORK AT THE TRAVELCHANNEL... IT'SREALLY INTERESTING.

I FLY ALL OVER THE WORLDAND TRAVEL, TRAVEL...

THIS AND THAT,TRAVEL THAT...

(tv announcer)THE MEN STAYED INTHE PRISON CAMP

UNTIL THE END OF THE WAR.

HEY, NICK.

YA KNOW, I WISH I COULDGO TO A PRISON CAMP.

DUDE, IT'S NOTTHAT KIND OF CAMP.

IT'S AWFUL.

I HEAR THEY MAKE YOUSING STUPID SONGS,

AND THEY WON'T TAKENO FOR AN ANSWER.

HMM, SOUNDS LIKE A CONTRACTWITH DEATH ROW RECORDS.

(Laura Kightlinger)I'M NOT A-A BIG DRINKER.

BUT I THINK, YA KNOW,YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT...

UH, TODAY WASA PERFECT DAY

TO STAY INSIDE AND DRINK.

I MEAN, WASN'T IT?

AND-AND YESTERDAYWAS EVEN BETTER.

THIS PAST DECADE WECOULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR

BETTER DRINKING WEATHER.

WE JUST, YA KNOW...

IN FACT, ACCORDING TO, UH,THE "DRINKER'S ALMANAC,"

THIS IS THEBEST POLITICAL CLIMATE

FOR DRINKING SINCE 1825.

WHICH, COINCIDENTLY, WASTHE LAST TIME WE HAD

THE SON OF A FORMERPRESIDENT IN OFFICE.

IT WAS, UH, JOHN ADAMS'SON, JOHN QUINCY.

OR "Q" AS THEY CALLED HIM.

AND I JUST THINK ELECTING"W" PROVES THAT AMERICANS

ARE SUCKERS FORFAMILY BUSINESSES...

NO MATTER HOW DYSFUNCTIONALOR INCOMPETENT.

BUSH AND SON.

LEADING AMERICATO WAR SINCE 1990.

FEELS RIGHT.

JUST FEELS GOOD.

YA KNOW, WHENEVERREPUBLICANS ARE IN OFFICE,

YOU SEE THE WORD "SODOMY"IN THE NEWSPAPER.

PERSONALLY, I'VE-I'VENEVER BEEN INTERESTED

IN BACK-DOOR SEX.

I--YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S ALL I CAN DOTO KEEP THE FRONT ENTRANCENICE FOR COMPANY.

YA KNOW?

SWEEPING THE WALK,TRIMMING THE HEDGE...

AND I, YA KNOW, I'MONE OF THESE WOMEN...

I KEEP THE CHRISTMASLIGHTS UP ON MY SNOOCH

ALL YEAR ROUND.

AND, YA KNOW,IT'S BECAUSE...

WHAT IF PEOPLE AREIN FROM OUT OF TOWN?

YA KNOW, THERE AREN'T LIGHTSANYWHERE ELSE ON MY BODY.

(Dane Cook)THERE'S A GUY ATYOUR WORK, OKAY?

HERE'S HIS DESCRIPTIONRIGHT HERE--FIRST OF ALL,

HE'S NOT FAT,HE'S NOT FAT.

HE'S JUST SHAPES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HE'S LIKE AN AMOEBA--HE'SALWAYS, LIKE, A DIFFERENT

(bleep)-UP CONSISTENCYWHEN HE COMES IN.

BUT HE'S GOT--HE ALWAYSHAS THAT BIG FRONT, RIGHT?

YA KNOW, THAT HUGE--WHAT IS THAT?

YOU WANNA SEE IT,BUT YOU DON'T.

(Dane Cook)NOBODY TALKS TOTHAT GUY... NOBODY.

HE COMES INTO THE-THE SNACK ROOM.

HE WEARS THOSE CHEAPBLUE BLOCKER GLASSES.

YOU NEVER SEE HIS (bleep)WEIRD EYES, ALL RIGHT?

HE'S GOT THE POCKET WITHTHE WHOLE FESTIVAL OF PENS

SHOOTIN' UP OUT OF THERE, INCASE HE HAS TO WRITE A LOT.

(Dane Cook)AND NOBODY TALKSTO THAT GUY, RIGHT?

IF HE COMES INTO THAT LITTLEBREAK ROOM AND YOU SEE

HIM OUT OF YOUR PERIPHERAL,RIGHT, YOU'RE LIKE,

HEY, LET'S GET THE(bleep) OUT OF HERE.

COME ON, LET'S...LET'S JUST GO.

WHERE THE (bleep)IS THE DOOR?

I'VE WORKED HERE EIGHTYEARS--WHERE'S THE...

NOBODY TALKS TO THATGUY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I TALK TO THAT GUY.

I TALK TO THAT GUYEVERY (bleep) DAY.

I FIND HIM TO TALK TO HIM.

I BUY HIM LITTLETREATS... I DO.

HEY, HERE'S ASNICKERS, TAKE THAT.

ENJOY... SATISFIES.

ENJOY THESNICKERS, BYE-BYE.

YOU KNOW WHY ITALK TO THAT GUY?

'CAUSE WHEN THAT DAYFINALLY COMES WHERE HE JUST

(bleep) SNAPS, ANDHE COMES INTO THE OFFICE

WITH AN AK-47, WALKIN'THROUGH THE HALLS...

(gun shooting)

AND HE GETS TO MY OFFICE,HE'S GONNA BE LIKE,

"THANKS FOR THE CANDY."

(Dane Cook)"YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

(Dane Cook)YEAH, YOU'RE GONNATALK TO THAT GUY NOW.

(Bill Burr)I WAS ON THE TRAINABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO.

THIS BLACK GUY GOES TOGET ON THE TRAIN, RIGHT?

AND THE DOORS, LIKE,CLOSED ON HIM.

THERE'S, LIKE, 20PEOPLE WATCHING

AND NOBODY (bleep) HELPS.

THEY'RE JUST LIKE,

WOW, I THINK IT'SGONNA CUT HIS ARM OFF.

THE CONDUCTOR COMES OUT ANDSTARTS GIVING HIM (bleep).

COME ON, BUDDY, LET'S GO!

WHAT THE (bleep) AREYOU YELLING AT ME FOR?

THEN HE MAKES IT RACIAL.

HE'S LIKE...

"WHAT, NO (bleep)WHITE PEOPLE EVER GOTSTUCK IN THESE DOORS?"

HE GOES, "I BET YOUWOULDN'T SAY (bleep)

"TO THESE CRACKER-ASSMOTHER(bleep) OVER HERE!"

IT WAS, LIKE, ME ANDTHREE OTHER WHITEDUDES SITTING THERE.

AND AFTER, LIKE, THETHIRD OR FOURTH...

"CRACKER-ASSMOTHER (bleep),"

WE KINDA START, LIKE,LOOKING AT EACH OTHER, LIKE,

DUDE, SHOULD WE NOTBE GETTING OFFENDEDAT THIS POINT?

I COULD LITERALLY FEELTHE HEAT FROM HISFINGER AS HE'S GOING,

"CRACKER-ASSMOTHER-(bleep)!"

SOMEBODY SHOULDDO SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE JUST SAT THEREAND TOOK IT.

THAT'S WHAT SUCKS ABOUT BEINGWHITE IN THAT SITUATION.

THERE'S NO UNITY!

THERE'S NO BROTHERS WHENIT COMES TO WHITE PEOPLE.

IT'S LIKE, "THAT'SNOT MY BROTHER."

"MY BROTHER LIVES IN OHIO."

"I DON'T KNOWTHAT (bleep) GUY."

WHAT'S A CRACKER?

SAME THING AS A HONKY.

EVERYONE MAKES SUCH A BIGDEAL ABOUT THIS WHOLEBLACK/WHITE THING.

I MEAN, WE GET ALONG FINE.

THINK, UH, WE'LL STILLHANG OUT WHEN WE'RE OLDER?

YEAH, WE'LL BE CHILLIN'AT HIGH SCHOOL.

I'LL STILL HAVEYOUR BACK...

EVEN IF I'M THE STAROF THE FOOTBALL TEAM

AND THE TOUGH KIDSARE BITCHING YOU FORYOUR LUNCH MONEY.