Washington, D.C.

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 11/06/2016

While in Washington, D.C., Kevin Hart hosts stand-up sets from Lafayette Wright, Rob Maher and Jamel Johnson, then stops by Howard University to surprise some students.

- Let's see what this excuse is.

- Doop, doop, doop, doop,there they go. Hey.

- Where you been, man?We been here for a hour.

- Had to make a stop.- What is that?

- What is that? This ismy business, is what it is.

- Show us. Come on.- I'm not showing you nothing.

Do you understandwhat's going on today, guys?

- Tell us.- I am going

into the legendaryBen's Chili Bowl.

You want to know who elsehas been here?

A bunch of black leaders, okay?- Like who?

- Malcolm X,Doctor Martin Luther King.

- That's two.- What's the guy with the--

the jeans that gotthe jacket to match him?

Barack. Barack Obama.

- He never wears jeans.

- Well, then you don't know himlike I know him.

I've seen him in jeansseveral times.

The bottom line,these are all black men

that are changing the world.

Looks to me like anotherblack leader

is walking in this placethat needs to be recognized.

- You do standup.You're not a black leader.

- This man not a black leader,Harry?

- Don't do this.- Huh?

Telling me that, right there?- He got a picture of himself.

- Don't do this.- I got--what I got is history.

Okay? And there's a placefor me in here.

You know, Barack Obama ison his way out the office.

Sounds to me like a spaceon the wall just opened up.

- Kev, you're notgonna go in here

and ask them to put youon the wall.

- Damn if I won't.- Did they ask you

to bring your picture?- It ain't about what they ask.

It's about what you want.- Don't do this.

- I'm doing it.- Don't do it.

- Doing it.- I can't believe--

- Don't do this. Don't.- Kev, don't do this.

Let's give it up real quick now forthe fact

that a black man is in oneof the most powerful positions

in the world right now.

That's something we can clapfor, right? Yeah.

'Cause that's still--that'sstill a really big deal for me.

I don't want to gettoo sentimental up top,

but that's still, like,really big for me.

'Cause, you know, growing upblack in America,

I never thoughtin a million years

that I would get to see the day

where Steve Harveywas hosting the Family Feud.

It was just like--my grandmaand them was crying,

and Young Jeezy made a songfor Steve Harvey.

And, like, it's interestingto look at Family Feud now too.

What's the old thing they wouldsay--the old adage?

You know, "White people stolerock music from black people."

Hi, black people have stolenFamily Feud

from white people, okay.Y'all got jacked.

Completely different show now.

Everybody on Family Feud now,they fly.

Like, they got onthey loud-ass suits.

Like, Family Feudis like the new

Easter Sundayfor black people, okay?

And they cheat. They cheat.It's over the top.

They don't even try to hide it.

You know, Steve Harvey,he think he fly with his suit

as he walk out. He like,"We surveyed 150 people.

Top 10 answers on the board.Name a flavor of Kool-Aid.

Kirsten?""Fruit punch?"

[imitates buzzer]

"Shamiqa?""Red."

[imitates bell]

Like Frankie Beverlyand Maze's plan and shit--

frigging--old black dudes doingthe electric slide.

That's slide is fun,you should check it out.

Alright. I'm sitting here with 3comedians

at the legendary Ben's Chili Bowl.

Lafayette Wright, Rob Maher,Jemel Johnson.

What do you think aboutthe comedy circuit in D.C.?

- It's gotten a lot better.- Okay.

- When I started here, it waslike two or three open mics,

and now you can get on stage

pretty much every nightin the city.

- Really?- Yeah, 18 years.

- 18 years?- Yeah. I've been

at it a long time, so--- 18 years.

- So I'm ready. Let's do this.Let's get--let's get famous.

- Do you feel like D.C. breedsa certain type

of individualor certain type of jokes?

- D.C. breeds killers.- Okay.

- As far as comedy goes.Not--we're not, like,

murdering people.This how I always put it.

I put it like, "Other comedycities will be like

the karate school you go toto learn, like, character.

And you get your prettygold trophy and stuff.

D.C. is the martial arts schoolyou go to

to learn how to murder people."

But if you gonna do it,you got to have the skill,

you know what I'm saying.Jason Bourne, like, you got to,

"I know how to do that,and I can do that if I want to."

- No, you guys got a lotof heavy weights

that have come out of D.C., man.I mean--

- Absolutely. Tony Woods.- Ooh.

- Wanda Sykes.- Wanda, Dominique.

You got some womenfrom out here.

- Yeah, yeah,oh, Dominique, yeah.

- Dominique is a great one.

It's not that comedyis territorial,

but I feel like comediansshould be.

You know, I feel likeyou should--

you should want to always bea great

representationof where you're from.

- Especially, like,black comics.

There's a focus to be unique,you know what I mean,

in your dress, how you speak.

We don't want to soundlike New York.

We don't want to soundlike Atlanta.

- There you go.- You know what I mean.

Like, it's real specific

- I feel like--as a white comic,

if it's an all black audience,I have an advantage.

- Okay.- 'Cause I'm different.

- Okay.- The same token--

black comic, all white audience.- Mm-hmm.

- And I feel--the difference is,the black audience,

they think I'm gonna be afraid.- Okay.

- And when I show that I'm not,then they respect me.

- Right.- And what I also feel--

like, I'm the same comicin the white room.

I'm not tryingto be the white guy

that is down with black peopleand speaks different.

'Cause that's not--that's not who I am.

- The guy that comes out, "Hey!"

- Yeah, I'm not that guy.I'm just the same guy.

- "Hey! Aw!"

He come on stage and like,

"You never talk like that.Why's you--"

- We hate that guy.- "Aw!

What y'all talking 'bout?"- Yeah.

- You know what? I think tonightis gonna be amazing.

I'm sensing a lot of funnyfrom these conversations,

and I'm happy that we gotthese three, man.

There's a--there's a greatmixture of personality here,

so I'm hoping that you guysbring that to the stage tonight.

Man, this has been a good one.

You know what it is?You heard?

You need to geton board with it.

Fellas, I'm talkingto y'all now.

We need to get a betterunderstanding

of what feminism is,

because female serial killersare coming.

And straight men are very easyto kill right now.

I think it takes aboutthree Facebook messages.

We've all seen a fake profile sogood you added it anyway, right?

Boy, I seen one.The name was Daisy Feliz.

Two photos. A picture of a womanthat looks like Amy Winehouse.

The second one wasjust Christmas Presents.

Wasn't nobody standing nextto them. Just presents.

I was like, "Hell, yeah,I'ma try to fuck this robot."

You know what I'm saying?

'Cause that's how you getthe discount shades.

I love women.Women are the best.

You ever notice the worst thingabout women

is the guys they used to fuck?

That's their worst quality.

I was hanging outwith this girl,

and it was the first timewe was hanging out.

And I took her to this party,and we chilling.

And I'm grabbing up some drinks,and this guy walked up on me,

and he was like, "Oh, pfft.You're fucking with her now?

Hey, yo, how's my dick taste?Ahh!"

And then he moonwalkedaway on me,

like I'm supposedto respect him now.

It was tight,'cause he did it on carpet,

but other than that I don't--I don't think so.

You know what I'm saying?What an arbitrary statement.

So many holes in it.First off,

I have no idea how long dickresidue even lasts on a face.

Furthermore, like I care whoyou used to sleep with, dog.

It doesn't mean anything.It's 2016.

Dicks have been everywhere.Get over it.