Mark Viera, Rachel Feinstein & Baron Vaughn

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 08/08/2010

Mark Viera's grandmother knows everybody's business, Rachel Feinstein's date narrates their encounter, and Baron Vaughn will never see Las Vegas the way other people do.

DJ CASSIDY, Y'ALL.MY MAN.

NYC, BABY.

FEEL GOOD, THOUGH, MAN.FEEL GOOD, MAN,

BEING IN NYC, BABY.

- HELL, YEAH.

- THE SCAM CAPITOLOF THE WORLD, BABY.

THE SCAM CAPITOLOF THE WORLD.

YEAH, YOU GOING--

YOU GOING WITH SOME MONEYIN YOUR POCKET TO NEW YORK?

YOUR ASS WILL GET SCAMMED.

EVERY DAY, SOMEBODY GETS UPOUT OUT OF BED, MAN,

GETS OUT OF THATGOD DAMN BED, MAN,

TRYING TO FIGURE OUTHOW TO GET YOUR MONEY

OUT YOUR GOD DAMN POCKETS.

I'M FROM NEW YORK.I STILL GET SCARED!

I'M FROM NEW YORK, MAN.I STILL GET SCARED, MAN.

THIS DUDE WANTS TO SELL MESOME TICKETS TO THE CIRCUS.

OL' BOOTLEG-ASS TICKETS.

I WAS TRYING TO BEALL CAUTIOUS, MAN.

"ARE THESE TICKETS LEGIT?

"ARE THESE GOD DAMNTICKETS LEGIT?

'CAUSE THIS IS IN PENCIL."

"AND YOU SPELL CIRCUSWITH A GOD DAMN 'K.'

WHAT THE HELLIS A GOD DAMN KIRKUS?"

I GET TO THE GOD DAMNCIRCUS, MAN,

IT'S SOME OLDNEIGHBORHOOD CIRCUS.

NO DAMN ANIMALS.NO ONE GOD DAMN ANIMAL.

THEY HAVE PEOPLETHAT DRESSED UP AS ANIMALS.

"RAAHR!

"RAAHR!

RAHR! RAHR! RAHR!"

[imitating elephant trumpeting]

"RAHR!

RAHR! RAHR!"

I'M LIKE,"BOO, MOTHER [bleep]!

I SEE YOUR SNEAKERS!"

ONE DUDE WAS SMOKINGIN THE COSTUME.

HE INSIDE A COSTUMETAKING A SMOKE BREAK.

HE HAS SMOKECOMING OUT OF THE MOUTH.

I SAID, "IS THAT A TIGEROR A GOD DAMN DRAGON?"

ONE DUDE HAS HIS WATCHON THE OUTSIDE OF THE COSTUME.

"RAHR!"

"HEY, WHAT TIME IS IT?"

"AH, 12:45. RAHR!"

THIS ONE GUYCAME OUT OF NOWHERE.

HE TRYING TO SCARE PEOPLE.

HE DON'T KNOWWHO THE HELL HE IS.

"ARGH.

"RAHR! RAHR!

RAHR! RAHR!"

HIS ASS IN A GOD DAMNHORSE COSTUME.

HE GOT HOOVES."WAAH! RAHR!"

"HEY, DUMB ASS, LOOKWHAT THE HELL YOU GOT ON."

"RAHH! RAHH!

AW, HELL, NO."

ONE DUDEWAS ON HIS CELL PHONE

HAVING AN ARGUMENTWITH HIS GIRLFRIEND

INSIDE THE GOD DAMN COSTUME.

HIS ASS IN THE COSTUME,HAVIN' A FU...

"LOOK HERE.

"LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

"I AM NOT GONNABE AT MY JOB

"HAVING AN ARGUMENTWITH YOUR ASS.

"OKAY?I GOT KIDS HERE

"THAT NEEDTO BE ENTERTAINED,

"AND YOU ARE [bleep]WITH ME RIGHT NOW.

"HOLD ON, HOLD ON,HOLD ON, BITCH!

"RAHR!

"ARGGH.

"YOU GOD DAMN RIGHT.

"BECAUSE I GOT A GOD DAMN JOB,OKAY? OKAY?

"YOU IN THE MOTHER[bleep] MALL,

"WALKING AROUND,HAVING A GOOD TIME,

"AND MY ASS HEREENTERTAINING THE KIDS.

"HOLD YOUR ASS ON.HOLD ON THE [bleep] ON.

"RAHR!

"ARRGH.

"WHAT AM I DOING?

"WHAT YOU THINK I'M DOING?

I'M SCARING THE [bleep]OUT OF THESE KIDS!"

[cheers and applause]

WHOO!

- LET ME SEE YOU GETQUICK ONE TIME.

LET ME SEE HOW FASTYO' ASS IS.

GIVE ME A LITTLE SOMETHINGREAL QUICK.

LET ME SEE WHAT YOU GOT.[scratching]

[electronic drums]

[scratches]- OH, YOU FAST.

I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.

- PFFT.- YOU'RE FAST.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, THOUGH.- WHAT'S THAT?

- YO' ASS AIN'T PUNE.

LOOK AT YOUR CONFUSED ASSRIGHT NOW.

YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT THE HELL PUNE IS!

YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELLPUNE IS?

WHEN SOMEBODY SAY PUNE?- NO, TELL ME.

- BOY, PUNE IS THE FASTEST[bleep] ON EARTH.

YOU EVER HEARSOMEBODY SAY PUNE...

THEIR ASS BEEN GONE!

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

PUNE!

LOT OF GUYS IN JAILGOT PUNE STORIES.

THEY ASK YOU TO WRESTLE.THEY CALL YOU FROM PRISON.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED, TONY?

"WHAT THE HELLHAPPENED THIS TIME?"

"MAN, YOU AIN'TGONNA BELIEVE THIS.

"I WENT IN THAT BANKAND ROBBED THAT BANK,

"TOOK ALL THAT DAMN MONEY.

"WENT OUTSIDE,HOPPED IN THE CAR.

"WENT DOWN MAIN STREET,TURNED DOWN ELM STREET,

AND, GOD DAMN IT,I WAS PUNE!"

"WHAT THE HELLYOU DOING IN JAIL?"

- "MAN, I RAN OUT OF GAS.GOD DAMN!"

FELLAS, FEEL FREETO USE "PUNE"

ANY TIME YOU WANTTO USE IT, MAN.

GIRL'S TRYINGTO SET YOUR ASS UP,

USE PUNE!

"RODNEY, I THINKI'M PREGNANT."

"OH, REALLY?

PUNE!"

[cheers and applause]

I'VE BEEN TRAVELINGA LOT LATELY.

IT'S GOOD.

I BEEN GOINGTO THE SOUTH A LOT LATELY,

WHICH IS GOOD, 'CAUSE I'VE BEENMEANING TO RUN MORE.

LYNCHBURG, HOW DID YOUR TOWNCOME TO BE NAMED THAT?

[old man's voice]"WELL, I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.

"ONCE UPON A TIME,MANY NEGROES.

"ONE DAY, NONE.

HAVE A GOOD VISIT."

[scatting]

IT'S PRETTY AMAZING.

AMERICA'S AN AMAZING COUNTRY,YOU KNOW.

THERE'S SO MANY VOICES,DIALECTS, ACCENTS, LANGUAGES.

THINGS LIKE THAT.

BUT THERE'S ONE VOICETHAT YOU HEAR

NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO,

AND THAT'S THE WAYNEWSCASTERS TALK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

IT'S IN EVERY,SINGLE LANGUAGE.

[imitating newscaster]LATER TONIGHT,

ON CHANNEL 23 NEWS.

OR IT COULD BE LIKE SPANISH.

[speaking Spanish]

OR IT COULD BELIKE NORWEGIAN.

"FLEURGEN GERGITY FLEURG.FLEURGEN GERG.

GERGEN FLEURGEN GERG,CHANNEL GERGEITY FLEURG."

NOW, I DON'T KNOWABOUT Y'ALL,

BUT I TEND TO DEVELOP CRUSHESON FEMALE NEWS ANCHORS.

I FOUND OUT WHY.TWO REASONS.

NUMBER ONE, I'VE DATEDA LOT OF INSANE,

PSYCHO WOMEN.

SO NOW I HAVE A THING FOR WOMENTHAT STATE FACTS.

ALSO...

ALSO, I THINKIT'D BE GREAT TO HOOK UP

WITH A FEMALE NEWS ANCHOR,

AND THEN HER TALK DIRTY TO MEIN THAT VOICE.

[laughing] BECAUSEI WOULD REQUEST THAT.

"LATER TONIGHT, ALMONDS,WHIPPED CREAM, AND ICE CREAM.

FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURPENIS BECOMES MY DESSERT."

[laughter and applause]

"MY BREASTS,FUN AND DELICIOUS,

"START AT THE NIPPLES.WORK YOUR WAY AROUND.

"NEWS AT 5:00.

"LATER TONIGHT,SPECIAL EXPOSE.

"YOUR PENIS, MY VAGINA:

WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW COULD KILL YOU."

[laughter and applause]

LIKE, SHE REALLY WANTS TO BEBLACK OR ETHNIC SOMEHOW.

[chuckles] AND SHE'S,LIKE, AGGRESSIVELY WHITE.

BUT HER FAVORITE THINGTO TELL PEOPLE

AT PARTIES AND STUFF IS THATSHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN BLACK.

SHE'S ALWAYS LIKE, "PEOPLEALWAYS TELL ME, THEY GO,

"'KAREN YOU SHOULD HAVEBEEN BLACK.'

"AND IT'S TRUE.

"AND I THINK PEOPLEFEEL SAFE WITH ME.

"THEY DO.

"WHEN I SEE A BLACK PERSON,

"I JUST GIVE 'EMTHAT EXTRA SMILE.

"I GIVE 'EM AN EXTRA SMILE.

THEY FEEL VERY SAFE WITH ME."

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S A REALLYBIG RESPONSIBILITY--

"PROTECTING THE BLACKS.

"ARE YOU SUREYOU'RE READY FOR THAT?

YOU TEACHLOW-IMPACT AEROBICS."

MY MOM WANTS TO BE, LIKE,ONE OF THOSE

WHITE WOMEN IN THE MOVIESTHAT SAVES A BLACK SCHOOL,

LIKE MICHELLE PFIEFFERIN DANGEROUS MINDS.

I THINK THAT'S HER DREAM.

LIKE SHE WANTSTO GO AND, LIKE,

TEACH HIP-HOP VIOLININ THE GHETTO OR SOME [bleep].

YOU KNOW?

I THINK THAT'S WHAT SHE WOULDLIKE TO HAVE HAPPEN EVERY DAY.

LIKE, YOU KNOW,SHE TEACHES SOME CLASS

AND SOME KID NAMED TREYTRIES TO GET UP AND LEAVE,

AND SHE GOES,"GO AHEAD AND RUN, TREY!

I RAN ONCE."

AND THEN HE COMES BACKAND CRIES

SLOW THUG TEARS.

[laughter and applause]

CAN YOU SEE MY HAIR?ALL RIGHT. GOOD.

UM...

ON THE COUNT OF THREE,EVERYBODY YELL OUT

WHERE YOU'RE FROM--ONE, TWO, THREE.

[audience shouting]

I BEEN THERE.OHH.

I'M FROM A SMALL TOWN,LIKE JB SAID.

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA.

[scattered cheers]UH, YEAH.

HERE'S MY IMPRESSIONOF EVERYTHING I EVER HEAR

WHEN I TELL PEOPLEI'M FROM VEGAS.

"WAIT! WAIT. WAIT.

"YOU FROM VEGAS?

"I DIDN'T KNOW ANYONEWAS FR VEGAS.

"DID YOU GROW UPIN A CASINO?

"DID YOU GET PAIDIN POKER CHIPS?

"WERE ALL YOUR TEACHERSSHOWGIRLS AND/OR STRIPPERS?

DO ALL YOUR FAMILY MEMBERSHAVE GAMBLING PROBLEMS?"

JUST 'CAUSE IT'S TRUE DOESN'TMEAN YOU HAVE TO SAY IT.

BUT THAT'S WHAT PEOPLETHINK OF VEGAS, RIGHT?

AND I LIVE IN NEW YORK,SO WHEN I'M GOING HOME,

I'M GOING TO SEEMY FAMILY, RIGHT?

BUT THE DUDESON THE PLANE NEXT TO ME

ARE GOING TO PARTAKE INTHE SHANGRI-LA OF DEBAUCHERY.

SO THEY'RE SINGINGABOUT WHAT THEY'RE GONNA SEE,

AND I GOT NOTHING, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE NEXT TO ME,THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH, VEGAS!"

♪ THERE'S GONNA BECOCAINE AND HOOKERS ♪

AND THEN I'M JUST LIKE,

♪ I'M GONNA SLEEPON MY MOM'S COUCH ♪

OR THEY'RE LIKE,

♪ WE'RE GONNA DRINKAND GAMBLE ALL DAY AND NIGHT ♪

AND THEN I'M JUST LIKE,

♪ I HOPE SHE MAKESHER SPAGHETTI ♪

♪ SPLASH OF CINNAMON,THAT'S THE SECRET ♪

♪ TO MY MOM'SBLACK PEOPLE SPAGHETTI ♪

OR THEY'RE LIKE,♪ WE'RE GONNA HAVE EXPERIENCES

♪ WE'LL NEVER FORGET-SLASH-NEVER REMEMBER ♪

AND THEM I'M LIKE,

♪ I'M GONNA GET INTOAN AWKWARD CONVERSATION ♪

♪ WITH MY WHITE STEPFATHER

♪ ABOUT WHO STARTED SLAVERY

♪ THEN I'LL WALK AWAYAND SAY ♪

"I DON'T WANTTO TALK ABOUT THIS."

♪ AN HOUR LATER,HE'LL COME OVER TO ME ♪

♪ WITH THE PRINTOUTFROM THE INTERNET ♪

♪ THROW IT ON MY LAPAND SAY ♪

"SEE? AFRICANS STARTED IT."

♪ AND INSTEAD OF STABBING HIMIN THE CHEST ♪

♪ I'LL JUST SAYMERRY CHRISTMAS ♪

SO...

[cheers and applause]

IT'S DIFFERENT FOR ME,

'CAUSE I SINGTHE ENTIRE TIME.

I BEEN TRAVELINGA LOT LATELY.

THANK YOU.IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

I'VE HAD A WEIRD WEEK.

I'VE BEEN DRINKINGA TREMENDOUS AMOUNT.

DOES ANYBODYLIKE TO DRINK HERE?

ANYBODY INTERESTED IN THAT?

I, UH...

I BEEN GOING OUTWITH MY FRIENDS DRINKING

TO MEET GUYS AND STUFF.

I'M HAVING A HARD TIMEMEETING SOMEBODY.

I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE THEREARE SO MANY PRINCES OUT THERE,

I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONETO CHOOSE FROM.

I WENT OUT WITH THIS GUYRECENTLY,

AND HE STARTSNARRATING OUR DATE

WHILE WE WERE ON IT.

IT WAS AWFUL.

WE'RE OUT TO DINNER,AND HE STARTS GOING,

"TONIGHT, I META VERY SPECIAL GIRL."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELLIS GOING ON?"

AND HE KEPT GOING WITH IT,LIKE HE'S LIKE,

"THIS SPECIAL LADY.

"SHE, UH, SHE REALLYMADE ME LAUGH.

THIS SPECIAL LADY.SHE MADE ME THINK."

LIKE IT WAS A REALTOUGH PUZZLE.

LIKE I WAS GONNA BE LIKE,

"OH...OH, I'M SICKOF GUESSIN'.

"WHO IS SHE?

"OH, I WANNA KNOWWHO THE GIRL IN THE RIDDLE IS.

"IT'S NOT FAIR.

"I WANNA KNOW THE ANSWERRIGHT NOW.

EVEN MY TITSARE CONFUSED."

AND HE GOES, "HEY, THAT SPECIALGIRL I WAS TALKING ABOUT...

THAT SPECIAL GIRLIS YOU."

AND HE ACTUALLY BELIEVED

HE WAS GONNAINSERT HIMSELF INSIDE ME

AT SOME POINT AFTER THAT.

AND HE DID, BUT, UH...

[laughterand scattered applause]

- THANK YOU.

THAT'S 'CAUSE I HADSEVEN MALIBU PINEAPPLES.

I TRY TO GO OUT MEETING PEOPLEWITH MY BEST FRIEND TOO,

BUT IT'S REALLY HARD,

'CAUSE SHE ALWAYS GETSALL THE ATTENTION.

SHE HAS A--A VERY LARGE ASS.

THE KIND OF ASS THAT, UH,

MEN REALLYNEED TIME WITH.

THEY HAVE QUESTIONS.

IT'S THE KIND OF ASS MEN,LIKE, THEY STOP.

THEY NEED HELP PROCESSING IT.

WE WERE WALKINGTHIS ONE TIME,

AND SHE PASSES THIS GUYWHO JUST GOES,

"DAMN, GIRL!YOU GOT THAT MAD BUTT!"

HE DID A LITTLE SHAKE TOO.

- YEAH!

- I WAS LIKE, SHE SHOULDPUT THAT IN HER WEDDING VOWS,

THAT'S SO ROMANTIC.

IT REALLY IS,IT'S A TOUCHING STATEMENT.

"YOU'VE GOT THAT MAD BUTT."SHE SHOULD.

IT SHOULD BE LIKE,

"DO YOU TAKE THIS GIRLWITH THAT MAD BUTT

TO BE ALL UP IN YOUR BUSINESS?WHAT'S UP?"

[laughterand scattered groans]

MY MOM'S ALWAYS LIKE,SHE HATES THAT JOKE.

SHE'S ALWAYS LIKE,"CAN YOU PLEASE

TAKE THATOUT OF YOUR TALENT SHOW?"

THAT'S WHAT SHE CALLSMY STAND-UP--MY TALENT SHOW.

- TAKE IT OUTOF YOUR TALENT SHOW. OUT.