Dan St. Germain

  • 05/17/2013

Dan St. Germain's problem is that he assumes cat noises come from men dressed as cats.

Facebook does not help that.

I went on FacebookSaturday morning

and I woke upto the most triumphant

Facebook status updatesof all time.

It was, like, "me and Jennyare getting married.

I'm the luckiest guyin the world."

"Just got my master'sin art history;

I'm finally gonna workat the museum."

And then I've got to tryto keep up, you know?

And I'm, like...

(sighs) foundan interesting rock

on the way to the liquor store.

Got through a whole nightwithout crying,

and then I've got to like ittwo hours later

'cause nobody else will.

I'm a manic-depressive.A lot of people ask me

oh, does that meanyou get sad sometimes?

I'm, like,I don't get mood swings.

I get full-blown emotionalmonster truck events.

Where it's, like:

This weekendat Dan's Depression--

his thoughtsof the one who got away

go up againsthis dreams of becoming

a major league baseball player.

Who wins? Who cares,'cause Dan can't (bleep),

he's on Lexapropro, pro, pro, pro, pro, pro...

(laughter, scattered applause)

I, uh, haven't been doingso well, recently.

Recently, uh, single.Not doing so great.

Uh, my body is not a wonderland.

It is a pet cemetery. Uh...

Couple days ago,I was at this coffee shop

and I gotthis girl's phone number.

And I was, like, oh, great,I got me a wife, uh, and...

ten minutes later, she comesback into the coffee shop

and asks for herphone number back.

I swear to God.

And in that situation,I mean, you got to give

the girl her number back, right?

You can't be, like,oh, (sighs) you want...

(sighs) you want you...you want your number back.

You... you want...you want... your number back.

Well, too late now, bitch!

I'm gon' be calling you

all the time.

If I press my earto the receiver close enough,

I can hear your fear-- blagh!

But, folks, it gets worse,

because I reach into my pocketto get her phone number,

and instead of pulling outher phone number,

I pull out a loose condom...

that flies out of my handand hits her in the chest...

which is the creepiestHail Mary pass in history.

Like, hey, you sure youdon't want to (bleep)?

The only thingthat would've been creepier

is if I took a condom out ofone pocket, and then, like,

a possum out of the other.

And I was, like,he gets to watch.

(laughter)

(bleep) you.

(laughter, applause)

My least favorite new food chainis Connecticut Muffin.

I don't know if you guyshave heard of it.

I don't know how they came upwith that name.

It's, like, you know what wegotta do is sell these muffins.

Tell everybodythey're from Connecticut,

land of the muffin.

Like, Connecticut Muffin soundslike what a rich person uses

instead of the word (bleep),you know.

"She's a real Connecticutmuffin, that one."

You couldn't make ConnecticutMuffin bad-ass if you tried.

Like, Connecticut Muffinsprawls across the TV screen

in flames and then Ted Nugent

kicks through and starts (bleep)a blueberry muffin

on a Confederate flag,and he's, like:

"The South shall rise again!

"Along with this muffin top.

"Connecticut Muffin, eat one

or we'll Connecti-- (bleep)your (bleep) dicks off."

You know, they saybehind every strong man

there's a strong woman.

Uh, well, behindevery (bleep) up,

there's a best friend saying,"Go for it, bro."

Uh...

I, uh, I went

to go see my friend warm upa TV studio audience.

We've all seen somebody warm up

a TV studio audience--they do a lot of stuff like,

"Are you guys readyto laugh tonight?"

And you have to laugh and clapbecause you're terrified

about what's gonna happenif you don't.

My friend's like,"You ready to laugh tonight?"

I'm like... (whoops)

You know, not listening--he's like,

"Ready to have fun?"

I'm like, "Yeah, whatever."

And I thought the next thinghe was gonna say was,

"Well, let's start the show."

But what he said was,

"Look at this-- we got twolittle kids in the front row."

And me not listening,I just went...

(whoops)

"Yeah!"

So I looked like a pedophile

who thought it wascompletely cool

to be a pedophile in public.

I'm like,"Let's touch on these kids."

"This Dora needs exploring,"um...

Um, uh...

Only the creepiest people clapfor that.

Uh... (laughs)

I'm trying to be less creepy.

I was thinking of getting ridof the beard,

but I've had the beard

for so long that at this point,

it makes the decisions for me--you know?

I'm like, "I'm just gonna takea little bit off the bottom."

It's like, "What the hellyou doing, boy?"

I'm like, "Listen, beard, you'vecost me a lot of job interviews.

You've cost me a lotof first dates."

"You think you're the only onewho sacrificed, goddamn it?

"I've made sacrifices for you.

"What keeps cheese steaks meatfrom falling

"on your dress shirts

"when you're too high to notice?

"What keeps criminalsfrom robbing you on the street

"at night because they thinkyou're already homeless?

I do."

Have...

have you ever noticed that

it is justunattractive couples that have

great "how we met" stories?

It's never attractive couples.

You ask an attractive couplehow they met and it's like,

"Well, uh, we were at a barand of course."

Uh, but you ask an unattractive

couple how they metand it's like,

"Well, I-I was waiting on a lineat the EPCOT Center

"and she asked to borrow oneof my cheese fries

"I keep in my fanny packat all times, and

"I gave her one and here we areback at the EPCOT Center.

"She's the apple of my eye!"

Because the other eyeis missing.

My favorite drink wasEvan Williams whiskey.

I don't know if anyone here'sever had Evan Williams before,

but I sum it up like this:

Imagine all the other hardliquors and cocktails

having an early eveninghappy hour.

A late afternoon soiree,if you would.

Uh, Evan Williamswould be the drink

that shows up drunkand uninvited.

It's like, "Jim Beam!I'm so glad you could make it.

Come in, come in."

(posh accent): "Oh, thank you,Jack Daniels.

"Yes, it's been...it's been so difficult

"with-with the kidsand work and all, and...

"Dear God!

Is that Evan Williams?"

"Oh!

Make way forthe Mayor of (bleep)town!

(guffaws)

(cackling)

Hey, Sugar Tits!

How about tossing a pity (bleep)old Evan Williams' way?

"My name isn't Sugar Tits.

"It's Barcardi Limón.

And I find you..."

"A little less talking,

"a lot more pity (bleep),pity (bleep).

"I'm gonna make your butthole

look like Seal's cheeks."

"Evan Williams,you are making a scene."

"Oh.

"Look at me.

"I'm Maker's Mark.

"I think I'm a big deal'cause I'm a sippin' whiskey.

"With a college education.

"Well, sip on my dick,

"you Ivy League, Good Will Hunting mother(bleep).

Sip sippy cup

on my University of PhoenixOnline freedom rod!"

(applause, whooping)

"Evan. Evan.

What are you running from?"

"The police!

I stole a copy of Space Jam."

"No, Evan.

What are youreally running from?"

"Myself.

"I'm running from myself.

♪ In the arms of the angel

♪ Far away from here...

"What happens in Vegasstays in Vegas.

"What happens in Atlantic Cityfollows you home

and accuses you of rape."

"Someone call Evan Williamsa cab,

and someone get him to stop(bleep) my wife's purse."

"I don't need to ride a cab,

"I'm already riding Coach.Ha-ha!

"Purse pun while I (bleep) one.

"High-five! No?

"(Bleep) your wife's makeup,

"Princess Diana inside job,free Sandusky,

clear minds, full hearts,can't lose, Texas forever."

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