Bruce Baum & Fred Wolf

  • 02/24/1992

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT...CLASSICAL MUSIC, YOU KNOW?

I ONLY KNOW A COUPLE OF NAMES...

BUT I GO TO SLEEPWITH CLASSICAL MUSIC

AND ON OCCASION, I HEARLIKE... ( gasps ).

THE THING THATCHANGES YOUR LIFE.

YOU DON'T CARE IF YOU'REIN A BAD RELATIONSHIP

YOU HEAR MUSIC.

SO ABOUT A MONTH AGO

I HEARD THIS PIECEAT 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

I WAS MESMERIZED BY IT.

I CALL, LIKE,THE CLASSICAL STATION

AND I SAID, "IT WAS ONFROM 4:15 A.M. TO 4:23 A.M.

"AND I KNOW IT WAS BECAUSE...I FORGET THE NAME OF IT.

"I THINK IT WAS CALLED

"SOMETHING LIKE 'THE FLYINGSQUIRREL SONATA.'"

BUT I NEVER GOT IT.

BUT I'M SORT OFA ROCK AND ROLL KIND OF GUY...

TONIGHT WE'RE GOINGTO ROCK AND ROLL.

WE HAVE TWO OF MY OLDEST FRIENDS

AND TWO OF THE FUNNIESTGUYS IN THE BUSINESS

BRUCE BAUM AND FRED WOLF,HUH, LADIES AND GERMS?

( applause )

YEAH.

AND WHEN I SAY"LADIES AND GERMS"

YOU GUYS, I'M JUST, YOU KNOW,IT'S VAUDEVILLIAN.

LOOK... I SHOULDN'T DOVAUDEVILLE IN HERE?

LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS FRIGHTENING, ISN'T IT?

LET'S FACE IT.

THIS IS LIKE, UH...

HEY, IF YOU HAVE A JOKE,SEND IT TO THE A LIST.

HOW MUCH CAN YOU DO EVERY WEEK?

I'M UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE.

BUT I AM A ROCK AND ROLL GUYAND ONE OF MY IDOLS IS, UH...

YOU KNOW, I HAD A... DYLAN.

BEING SO OLD NOW

I'VE FOUND OUT THAT PEOPLEKNOW ME WHO I IDOLIZE.

DYLAN WANTED TO ACTUALLY MEET MEBEFORE ONE OF HIS SHOWS.

I WENT TO, LIKE, A THOUSANDLAST YEAR.

THE TRAFFIC JAM IN L.A.--MISSED HIM.

COULD HAVE TALKED TO THE D-MAN.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

NOW I JUST FANTASIZE.

WHAT WOULD HE HAVE SAID TO ME?

( imitating Dylan: )YOU'RE THE JEW, HUNCHED OVER.

WE NEED A DEMOCRAT IN OFFICE...

THANK YOU, BOB.

THAT WASN'T A GOODIMPRESSION OF BOB.

THERE WAS A LITTLE POPEYETHROWN IN FOR NO REASON.

( laughter )

I TRY TO SING MYSELF,I HAVE A GUITAR.

I KNOW THREE CHORDS,"A," "C" AND "D."

A HEN COULD DO IT.

WHEN YOU GO TO A-7

YOU HAVE TO BE LIKE HOUDINIESCAPING FROM A POOL.

CAN'T DO IT.

IN THE SHOWER I'M GREAT.

♪ I WANT TO SING THE BLUES,YEAH, OW! ♪

♪ I WANT TO GET...

I'MGOOD.

THEN I GET OUT OF THE SHOWER

I HAVE THE BEGINNER'S BOOKBY THE BEDROOM

I HAVE MY LITTLE... MY LITTLEGUITAR THERE AND I GO, UH...

♪ J... JIMMY... JIMMY CRACKEDCORN AND I DON'T... ♪

HEY.

AND I FOUND OUT IT WASACTUALLY WHITE PEOPLE

THAT CAME UP WITH RAP MUSIC

ONLY THEY CALL ITSQUARE DANCING.

( laughter )

YOU GUYS READTHAT NEW KINSEY SEX SURVEY?

THEY FOUND OUT THAT27% OF ALL WOMEN

NEED LESS THAN 15 MINUTESOF FOREPLAY

TO BECOME AROUSED.

49% NEED MORE THAN 15 MINUTES.

CONVERSELY, 97% OF ALL MEN

ONLY NEEDED TO HEAR THE WORDS"COME AND GET IT."

( laughter )

OH, BOY.

TALK ABOUT BAD LUCK.

MY UNCLE JUST PAIDTO HAVE CRYOGENICS DONE

WHERE THEY FREEZE YOUWHEN YOU DIE

TILL THEY FIND A CUREOF WHAT YOU DIED FROM.

THEN YESTERDAY HE DIEDOF HYPOTHERMIA.

( weak laughter )

OKAY, THE NEXT TIMEI GET A RESPONSE...

NEXT TIME I GET A RESPONSETHAT WEAK

WE'RE GOING INTO POETRY,AND I MEAN POETRY LIKE THIS:

FROZEN POND

STUPID FROG.

( laughter )

SPLAT.

( applause )

SOME OF YOU ARE GOING, "WAITA MINUTE, THAT WAS A HAIKU."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WAS WRONGWITH MY TELEVISION

BUT ON THE SAME STATION

I WAS GETTING C-SPANAND THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK

AND I BOUGHT A CONGRESSMAN.

( laughter )

I'M IN THE MARKET, A GUY RUNS UPBEHIND ME AND YELLS

"THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE THAT SAYTHEY'RE DEAF ARE FAKING IT."

I SAID, "HEY, PAL, I'M GOINGTO PRETEND I DIDN'T HEAR THAT."

( laughter )

A LOT OF PEOPLEMAY NOT KNOW THIS.

SINEAD O'CONNOR, VERY BIG HERE.

IN HER HOME COUNTRY

EVEN BIGGER THAN HER ISHER BROTHER, SHINEOLA O'CONNOR.

HE DOESN'T SELLWELL TOO HERE THOUGH

BECAUSE FOLKS HERE CAN'TTELL SINEAD FROM SHINEOLA.

( laughter )

WENT TO VICTORIA'S SECRETTO GET SOMETHING FOR MY WIFE.

ANYBODY BEEN TOVICTORIA'S SECRET?

THE SALESLADY CAME OVERAND ASKED IF SHE COULD HELP

AND I SAID, "NO, THANKS,I'M JUST SNIFFING."

( laughter )

I GOT HER A PAIROF MUSICAL PANTIES.

THEY'RE COOL EXCEPTIT'S EMBARRASSING IN PUBLIC.

EVERY TIME SHE SITS DOWNYOU HEAR A MUFFLED DOO-WA-DIDDY.

( laughter )

HERE'S A COUPLEWATER-SAVING TIPS

SINCE WE'RE IN THE MIDDLEOF A DROUGHT.

FIRST OF ALL, EVERYBODY'SSHOWER HEAD IS ABOUT THIS HIGH.

IF YOU LOWER YOUR SHOWER HEADTO HERE

YOU SAVE ALL THAT WATERFROM HERE TO HERE

THE ENTIRE TIMETHAT YOU'RE TAKING A SHOWER.

( laughter )

NOW, THAT'S JUST PHYSICS.

( laughter )

NOW, THE OTHER THING IS

GUYS TEND TO LETTHE WATER RUN WHILE SHAVING

AND THAT'S A WASTE

SO I ENDORSESHTICK SHAVING TAPE.

YOU PUT THE TAPE ON YOUR FACE

AND RIP THE BEARD OFF.

I DIDN'T SHAVE TODAYSO I COULD DEMONSTRATE THIS

SO BEAR WITH ME A SECONDWHILE I APPLY THE TAPE...

( muffled: )TO MY FACE.

OKAY, HERE WE GO!

ONE! TWO!

THREE-- IT'S STUCK!

( grunting )

OH, NO!

( applause )

( applause )

SOME OF THE GUYS THEY'RELETTING OUT ON PAROLE?

THERE WAS A GUY-- TRUE STORY--

HE DISMEMBERED HIS GIRLFRIENDAND MAILED HER PARTS.

HE'S OUT ON PAROLESO LONG AS HE TAKES HIS PILLS.

IMAGINE BEING AT A PARTYWITH THIS GUY WHEN HE GOES...

( laughter )

I CAN'T BELIEVE

SOME OF THE MERGERSTHEY'RE LETTING HAPPEN.

THE COMPANY THAT MAKES CLOROX

ALSO MAKES KITTY LITTERAND BARBECUE SAUCE.

YOU GOT THE BOARD SITTING AROUND

GOING, "WE ALREADY MAKEBLEACH AND KITTY LITTER.

WHY THE HELL AREN'T WEMAKING BARBECUE SAUCE?"

GUYS DOWN IN RESEARCHBUMP INTO EACH OTHER.

"YOU GOT BLEACHON THE KITTY LITTER."

"HEY, PUT ANOTHER SHRIMPON THE BARBIE."

( laughter )

YOU FAMILIAR WITH

ELIOT'S PERIPHERALEXTRAPOLATION THEOREM?

THAT STATES THAT DEPENDINGON THE SIZE OF AN ENCLOSURE

I.E. AN AQUARIUM OR TERRARIUM

THAT THE ANIMAL,I.E. FISH OR LIZARD

YOU PUT IN THAT ENCLOSURE

WILL GROW DEPENDING ON THE SIZEAND ROOM IT HAS TO GROW IN.

BASED ON THAT, I'VE BEENWEARING VERY LARGE UNDERWEAR.

( laughter )

I GOT PULLED OVER BY THE COPSTHE OTHER DAY.

I'M WITH MY WIFE,WE GET PULLED OVER

IT WAS HARASSMENTAND I TOLD THE COP.

I SAID, "LISTEN, COPPER,I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU GUYS.

"THIS IS HARASSMENT.

"I WANT YOUR NAME, BADGE NUMBER

"AND NAME OF YOURSUPERIOR OFFICER

"BECAUSE YOU'RE MESSINGWITH THE WRONG GUY

AND THIS IS NOT STOPPING HERE."

AND HE WAS STUNNED BECAUSEHE JUST LOOKED AT ME

AND WENT, "CAN YOUROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW?"

( laughter )

ANYBODY HERE FROM OKLAHOMA CITY?

YOU'LL BE ABLE TO VOUCH FOR ME.

OKLAHOMA CITY IS PROBABLYTHE ONLY TOWN IN THE COUNTRY

YOU CAN DRIVE A FORD FAIRMONTINTO A PARKING LOT

PEOPLE COME OUTAND ADMIRE YOUR CAR.

( laughter )

I WAS IN ALASKA.

WHEN I GOT TO ALASKA, IT WASSO COLD YOU COULD WALK OUTSIDE

AND WATCH THE NORTHERN MIGRATIONOF THE WITCHES' TITS.

( mild laughter )

( scattered boos )

I AM ZICOR, KEEPER OFTHE SUNGLASSES OF OBEDIENCE.

YOU SHALL NOW BE DISCIPLINED.

PROMISCUOUS PRIMATES

DANCING, SWIRLING,SKIPPING BY THE WATER'S EDGE

LIKE WILDEBEESTWASHING OFF THEIR STINKY THING.

( weak laughter, scattered applause )

YOU GUYS KEEPING UP ON THATJEFFREY DAHMER CHARACTER?

THE GUY THAT ATE 17 PEOPLE?

JEEZ, YOU KNOW,I CAN UNDERSTAND ONE OR TWO...

BUT 17, YOU'RE EATINGJUST TO EAT.

( laughter )

THEY FOUND THOSE HEADSROTTING IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

THAT SHOULDN'T HAPPEN.

THOSE GO IN THE CRISPER.

( laughter )

WHEN THEY BUSTED THE GUY,HE WAS ACTUALLY FRYING A BICEP.

EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'SBOIL A BICEP, FRY AN ORGAN.

AND THEY FOUND A JAR OFTESTICLES-- TESTICLES!

IT'S LIKE, "HEY, WHAT ARE YOUEATING FOR BREAKFAST THERE?"

"OH, NUTTIN', HONEY."

OOH!

I'M SORRY, I JUST GOT A FLASHOF HAPPINESS FOR A MINUTE.

I'LL OVERCOME IT.

I'VE BEEN OBSESSING ON MUSICTHIS WHOLE NIGHT

AND FOR GOOD REASON.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDRENOR A WIFE, YOU LISTEN TO MUSIC

AND DYLAN, YOU KNOW, ONEOF MY IDOLS-- THE BOSS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I WASTHINKING ABOUT?

THE BOSS, THE KING...IT'S SORT OF SAD.

THE NEXT LEGEND,WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,VEAL CUTLET.

WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO SAY?

BUT IT'S SORT OF TRAGICWHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

AND IT'S SAD.

BUT I CAN DO TRAGEDYON OCCASION.

ALL THE GUYS WHO WERESO PROLIFIC

THAT AREN'T HERE ANYMORE.

WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE DONEIN THE LAST 15...

GOD, YOU KNOW, HENDRIXAND JOPLIN AND, UH...

EARL SCHEIB FOR THAT MATTER.

( laughter )

NO, HE WAS FABULOUS

BUT HE COULD HAVE COME UPWITH A NEW PAINT KIND OF THING

AND I DON'T MEAN THAT,YOU KNOW, DISRESPECTFULLY.

ALTHOUGH IT PROBABLYSOUNDS DISRESPECTFUL.

BUT HEY, I APOLOGIZEFOR BREATHING

SO WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I WAS BACK THERE WATCHING.

I WAS TALKING TO BRUCE BAUM,WHO WAS ON BEFORE ME.

WHEN HE CAME OFFSTAGE I SAID,"THEY'RE A GREAT CROWD."

AND HE GOES,"YEAH, THEY'RE FINE."

I SAID, "TO ME THEY SEEM LIKEA REALLY GOOD CROWD."

AND HE GOES, "YEAH...

IT'S MORE THAT I'MA REALLY GOOD COMEDIAN."

( laughter )

I SAID, "YEAH, YOU'RE VERY FUNNY

"BUT I THINK IT'S ALSOTHEY'RE A GREAT CROWD

BECAUSE THEY LAUGHEDAT YOUR STUFF."

AND HE SAID, "NO,THEY'RE NOT A GOOD CROWD.

"COME TO THINK OF IT,THEY SUCK-- I'M A GREAT COMIC."

I SAID, "NO, THEY'REA GREAT CROWD."

AND I DON'T MEANTO SUCK UP TO YOU, THOUGH.

IF IT HAPPENS,IT HAPPENS, RIGHT?

( laughter )

I SAID, "THEY'RE ONEOF THE BEST CROWDS."

HE GOES, "NO, THEY'RE NOT,I'M A GREAT COMIC.

WHAT ARE YOU GOINGTO DO ABOUT IT?"

WHAT? HE'S CHALLENGING ME?

I SAY YOU'RE GREAT,HE SAYS YOU'RE NOT.

I GO, "I'LL SHOW YOUWHAT I'LL DO ABOUT IT."

POP! LIKE THAT-- I DID.

JUST A LITTLE LEFT.

THE GUY KIND OF DUCKED IT--HE'S A LITTLE FAST.

BUT AS HE DUCKED, BOOM!

I CAUGHT HIM LIKE THATBOOM!-- LIKE THAT.

TEETH GOING LIKE THAT,SNAPPED HIS HEAD BACK.

BLOOD'S POURING OUT NOW, RIGHT?

NOW, HE'S A BIG GUY,HE'S KIND OF WOBBLING

BUT MAN, I'LL FINISH HIM OFF,MAN, BOOM! LIKE THAT.

HE'S ON THE GROUND,I'M KICKING HIM.

"YOU TAKE IT BACKABOUT MY CROWD, MAN.

THEY'RE A GREAT CROWD."

BECAUSE I SALUTE YOU PEOPLE.

( applause )

EH, IT NEVER HAPPENED,NEVER HAPPENED.

LOW BUDGET, TRASHY MOVIE.

IN THIS MOVIE, SOME GUY STUCKA GUN IN ANOTHER GUY'S MOUTH.

AND JUST BLEW THE BACKOF HIS HEAD RIGHT OFF.

AND THEY GUY'S GOING, "OH..."

( laughter )

SAW A SHOW ON, UH...ON RELIGION TODAY, TOO.

JESUS.

JESUS CHRIST, OUR LORD.

HE IS COMING BACK, YOU KNOW.

HE'S BEEN GONE A WHILEBUT HE IS COMING BACK.

BUT COULD YOU IMAGINE

WHAT HIS "WHILE YOU'RE OUT"MEMO PAD MUST LOOK LIKE?

A LOT OF STUFF'S GONE DOWNSINCE THE BIG GUY'S LEFT.

THIS IS SOMETHING I DIDN'T KNOW.

WHEN THEY CRUCIFIED JESUS

DID YOU KNOW THE CROSS FELL OVERAND KILLED A FEW PEOPLE?

INSURANCE COMPANIES WOULDN'TPAY OFF ON THE POLICIES.

"ACT OF GOD"-- YOU KNOWHOW THEY GET AWAY WITH THAT.

( laughter )

AMAZING.

WATCHING THE TALK SHOWS TODAY.

SAW A GUY ON ONEOF THE TALK SHOWS

WHO WAS ARRESTED FOR NECROPHILIA

WHICH IS HAVING SEXUALRELATIONS WITH A DEAD PERSON.

HE SAID HE GOT A GOOD LAWYER,THEY PLEA-BARGAINED

AND HE GOT THE CHARGES REDUCEDTO DISTURBING THE PEACE.

( laughter )

ACTUALLY, I WAS WATCHINGTHE JOHNNY CARSON SHOW...

LOT OF COMICSMEMORIZE THEIR ACT.

SUCH A HASSLE.

( laughter )

I WAS WATCHINGTHE JOHNNY CARSON SHOW.

YOU KNOW HOW WHEN THEY HAVE AGUEST WHO'S TALKING A LONG TIME?

THEY HAVE THE PIANO PLAYERHIT A FEW KEYS OFF TO THE SIDE

AND LET THEM KNOWIT'S TIME TO GO TO COMMERCIAL.

I THOUGHT, WHAT A GREAT THINGTO HAVE AT A PARTY.

YOU'RE STUCK IN A CONVERSATION

JUST WEAR A TAPE RECORDERON YOUR BELT

AND WHEN THE GUY STARTSTALKING, PRESS "PLAY."

( piano plays )

I GOT TO GO.

( laughter and applause )

YOU KNOW HOW THAT GOES.

( laughter )

MY DAD'S IN TOWN WITHHIS MOTHER-- MY GRANDMOTHER--

WHO'S REALLY COOL; SHE'S GREAT.

WHEN SHE WAS LIKE 17 YEARS OLDSHE WON A BEAUTY CONTEST.

SHE RAN LIKE THREE MILESA DAY, JOGGED

SHE SWAM LIKE SEVEN MILES A DAY

AND SHE'S REALLY GOOD SHAPEAND SHE WON A BEAUTY CONTEST.

SHE WAS A REALLYGOOD-LOOKING WOMAN.

NOW SHE'S 93 YEARS OLDAND REALLY LET HERSELF GO.

( laughter )

MY DAD IS BIG OLD HEAVYSETDRUNK WHITE TRASH.

THAT'S MY DAD, BABY.

MY DAD'S BIG OLDWHITE TRASH, MAN.

I LOVE THE GUY, BUT THAT ISSOME WHITE TRASH IDIOT THERE.

THAT'S WHERE I COME FROM.

WHITE TRASH, BABY.

MY DAD'S NOT REAL BRIGHT.

WE GO INTO THIS TROPHY SHOP

BECAUSE MY BASKETBALL TEAMWON SECOND PLACE, BABY.

WE'RE IN THIS TROPHY SHOP

AND THERE'S TROPHIES EVERYWHERE.

SHELVES AND SHELVES OF TROPHIES.

MY DAD LOOKS AROUND AND GOES,"THIS GUY'S REALLY GOOD."

( laughter )

"NO, YOU IDIOT."

MY DAD SAYS, "HOW CAN YOULIVE DOWN THERE

"IN THE PIGSTY OF HOLLYWOOD?

IT'S JUST A PIGSTY HERE,JUST A PIGSTY."

I USED TO LIVE IN A MOTEL--THIS IS TRUE.

FIRST COUPLE YEARSI LIVED DOWN HERE

I LIVED IN A MOTEL.

I WANTED TO SHOW HIMWHERE I USED TO LIVE.

"DAD, I USED TO LIVE THERE."

THEN A GUY COMES OUT BECAUSEA MAID WAS CLEANING THE ROOM.

HE GOES, "HOW YOU DOING?"

I GO, "GOOD, YOU?"

"DOING ALL RIGHT.

CHECK OUT THAT MAID."

I GO, "YEAH, YEAH."

HE GOES, "YEAH, THAT'SAN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, MAN."

HE GOES, "YOU KNOW WHATI WANT TO DO TO THAT WOMAN?"

I GO, "WHAT?"

HE GOES, "I WANT TO TAKETHAT WOMAN IN MY VAN

"DO MY THING,CHOP UP HER IN A CHAIN SAW

PUT HER IN A HEFTY BAGAND BURY HER."

I GO, "THAT IS GROSS."

HE GOES, "WHY,WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?"

( laughter )

I GO, "YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND."

HE GOES, "NO DUH."

( laughter )

YOU EVER THINKWHY CAN'T WE COME TOGETHER?

YOU EVER SIT IN YOUR ROOM

AND THINK, "MAN, IT AIN'TWORKING OUT OUT THERE."

YOU SIT THERE AND YOU GO, "MAN,MY LIFE IS HEADED NOWHERE, MAN."

LIKE TODAY, I WASSITTING IN MY ROOM.

I'M SITTING THERE THINKING,"IT AIN'T WORKING OUT, MAN."

THEN THE WALLS FEEL LIKETHEY'RE COMING IN ON ME.

YOU EVER HAVE THAT HAPPEN?

THE SAME TIME THE WALLSARE COMING IN

IT FEELS LIKETHE CEILING'S DROPPING DOWN

AND THE FLOOR'S COMING UPAT THE SAME TIME.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE

BECAUSE IF THE WALLS CAME IN,THE CEILING COULDN'T DROP DOWN

BECAUSE IT WOULD HOOKON THE WALLS.

SEE, I GOT YOU.

BUT, I GOT ITFIGURED OUT, RIGHT?

WHAT HAPPENS IS THE CEILING HASTHESE TELESCOPING FEATURES.

IT KIND OF COMES IN

AND THAT'S HOW IT COMES DOWNAND GETS YOU.

THAT'S THE WAY...

( piano plays )

( laughter )

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