Bender's Game Pt. 1

  • Season 5, Ep 9
  • 04/26/2009

Fry, Leela and Professor Farnsworth must find a new source of dark matter.

(theme music playing)

[psychedelic pop music]

♪ ♪

(metallic banging)




(theme music playing)

Yes! Ten!

Well done,Cubonius!

You decapitated the unicorn!

Woo!Splendid!All right!

Oh, oh!

We search his tail pouchfor treasure!

Deep in the unicorn's rump sack,you find...


60 gold pieces!

Oh, my God, oh, my God,oh, my God!

I cast a spellof "detect magic"!

BENDER:Whatcha doin',mini meatbags?

Underage gambling?

Shame on you.Count me in!

We're not gambling.

We're playingDungeons and Dragons.

Right now, we're fightingfor our lives

in the lairof the dragon queen.

Uh, wrong.

Right now, you're ass-deepin a folding chair.


But in my imagination,

I'm riding a golden Pegasus.

Giddyap, Sparky!

Am I the only oneseeing him sitting here

with peanut butteron his face?Bender,

were you builtwithout an imagination?


Don't be stupid,of course not!

It just hasn't descended yet.

(engine whooshing)

Fry, do I havean imagination?

I don't know, Bender.

Why do you ask?

Were the other boysmaking fun of you?


They said I couldn'timagine things.

Well, you never knowunless you try.

Like I didn't knowif I could swallow a softball.

So I gave it my bestshot, and voila!

Wait, that'snot it.

Ah, thar she blows.

(siren blaring)


Out of dark matter fuel.

That's not a warning.

A warning's supposed to come before something bad happens.


Engines will shut downin one second.

That's more like it.

(all scream)


This space neighborhoodlooks kinda sketchy.


Rock 'n' roll!

Hey, that punk stoleour hood ornament!

Now no one will knowwe have the LX package.

LEELA:We need dark matterand we need it fast.

Fry, check Nibbler'slitter box.

Maybe he droppeda steamer.

Aye, aye, Captain.



I've never been soexcited to see poop!

Well, maybe once.



There's gas in our ass!

(engine sputtering)


Can you believe the priceof dark matter?

It'd be cheaperto fill the tank

with Nobel Prizewinners' sperm.


Your speedpass willnow be charged.


You lousy...MAN:Hey,

gets a loadsof that ugly ship!

What shades of greenis that, puke?

(men laugh)

For your information,it's called "electric mucus."

More like puke!


Why don't you comea little closer

so my boot can hear you?!

Calm down, Leela.

You can vent tonighton your blog.

Whatsa matters,

you couldn't affordsthe LX package?


You're making funof our ship?

Your ship's the most beat-upthing I've ever seen.

And I've seenMickey Rourke's head.

Yeah, she'sa little Rourky.

But you gotta gets big-timeugly to be five-time

winners of thedemolition derby!


that's five more timesthan we've won.

Or even entered!

We do suck.


And it's gonna be six winsesafter tonight's.

We'll sees abouts that.

Dark matter

costs have tripled.

So we must reduce expenses.

Therefore, we willno longer provide

complimentary porno magazinesin the lounge.

(clicks tongue)

Darn it.

And no more wasting fuel!

From now on,I'll be keeping a tight hold

on the keys to the ship,

swallowing thembefore I go to bed,

and "recovering" themthe next morning.


Oh, Professor,it's 4:00.

4:00 in the evening?

Then good night!

I don't carewhat the Professor says,

we're enteringthat demolition derby

to prove our shipisn't a piece of junk!

But won't that turn our shipinto a piece of junk?

Shut up, Zoidberg!

He's right, Leela.

But we have no choice!

Rednecks insulted us!So?

Let it go.

Don't let your temperget the better of...



(door sliding open)

Using this magneto,

I will now guide the keysup the thorax

and outvia the frontal face hole.

(snores and gags)

(coughing)That's the storage locker...

the boat...

the other boat...


♪ ♪

♪ Rocket ship ♪

♪ Rocket ship. ♪

MAN: Two, one.

SPORTSCASTER:Greetings sports fans,

though whether this outpouringof inbreds

can in fact be classified

as a sport is a subjectof no small scholarly debate.

Well, wells, well.

If it ain'ts Princess Pukarellaand her puky pukemobile.

Oh, yeah?

Well... shut up!

Good comeback, Leela.

You shut up, too!(yelps)

Rich Little hereas Howard Cosell.

And now, to grace us

with its renditionof the national anthem,

please welcome what is leftof the Dixie Chicks

after their tragicmatter transporter accident.

We're in horrible pain.

(crowd cheering)

And we are under way!


(crowd laughing)


Yes! Now we're inflicting.

LITTLE as COSELL:Outstanding!

Tonight, we are witnessinga veritable clinic

in that ludicroushullabaloo known

as demolition derby.

Way to kill the franchise,Bakula!

Ladies and gentlemen, we aredown to our final two ships.

In the storied annalsof demolition derby,

today will surely be remembered,

if only as the dayupon which I was absorbed

into that hideous conglomerationonce known as the Dixie Chicks.

Buckle your sphincters!


That broad's insane!

But you're insansier,right?

Nah, I guess nots.

I've decideds to relaxand enjoy life from now ons.

(both screaming)

(engine hissing,wiper squeaking)

(crowd cheering and applauding)

And Planet Expresstakes the trophy!

♪ Rocket ship. ♪


(engine hissing)


Now I'll use the magnet

to get the keysback in there.What?

You mean I cut a big holein him for nothing?

(snoring continues)

Don't worry, the professorwon't even remember

that he hasa spaceship.

(gasps)Ah, my precious spaceship.

Come, friends.

Let's take her for a spinto the malt shop,

like old times.

Leela to Zoidberg.

Execute distractionprotocol alpha.

ZOIDBERG:Roger that.

Look at me,look at me,

look at me, look at me-- Ooh!

Don't look at me.


Yes, she's a wonderfulship, all right.

As beautiful now

as the day I got botchedlaser eye surgery.

Now that's odd.

What's the fuel gaugedoing on the floor...


Great Godzilla's gonads!

Who wasted precious fuel?

Answer now, orbe punished!

All right, fine, I admit it.

You will be punished!

Oh, my gosh-- 20!

Your polearm doesdouble damage,

and the gelatinous cube diesin horrible poverty.

(mimicking dying screams)

Wow!Hurrah!All right!

I proceed to casta spell of darkness!

Oh, mostingenious.

Uh, Bender?


I, uh,cast a spell...

of darkness.


Prettyimaginative, huh?

No, you just didthe same thing as me,

but with adumb noise.

Oh, you're right.

I'm greatin every way,

except I haveno imagination.

All I ever wanted

is to playthis magical game,

and I can't!

Yes, you can.

You just have to lose yourselfin the fantasy.

You have to believethe impossible

is merelypreposterous.

Okay, here goes.

Visor down.

I believe. I believe.


(gasps):I did it!

I imagined something!

For 1.3 milliseconds,

I truly believed Iwas a noble robot

in days of yonder.

(cheering)Way to go,Bender!

What is thy character's name,good sir?

Uh... um...

I am TitaniusAnglesmith,

Fancy Manof Cornwood!

(all cheer)

(door opening)

Everybody outof the conference room!

I'm calling a conference!

Everybody get in here!

You wastedprecious fuel

just because youwere insulted

by some redneck yokelfrom beyond the stars?

It was onlyhalf a ball.

That's not the point!

Your temperis out of control.

And to think I'dhave never even known,

if it weren'tfor the lengthy

and unsolicited tattlingof Dr. Zoidberg.

She also took hometwo rolls of Scotch tape.

Thank you,Dr. Zoidberg.

Hermes, incentivizethat employee.


As for you, Leela,

I'm letting you offwith a warning.

Oh, thank you.

A warningthat will be administered

by this 50,000-voltshock collar.

Zoidberg, I'm gonnaput my boot

so far up your cloacayou'll be...


The collarwill be triggered

any time your thoughtsturn to violence...



Son of a (zap)...Ow!

or perversionsof a sexual nature.


It's the onlycollar they had

in stock atOffice Depot.

I hope you picked upsome Scotch tape

while youwere there.



That's a good one.

(angry grunt)


MAN: Imagine, if you will,

an announcer you can barely understand.

He refers to a... (gibberish),

but you're not quite sure what he said.

He seems to be eating something,

or perhaps he's a little drunk.

It's remotely possible

that he just said something about...

(chickens clucking)


It's all over.

Our guns and bombs

are uselessagainst the aliens!

The saucers,they's a-crashin'!

In the end, it was not guns or bombs

that defeated the aliens,

but that humblest of all God's creatures...

the Tyrannosaurus rex.



I can't believeTiVo suggested

that pieceof (zap)... Ow!

Come on, Hermes.

Surely, you have the authorityto remove this damn collar.

Alas, no.

I got the key, butnot the authority.

Well, who doeshave the authority?

Only the staff doctor.

You'll have to convince him

that you've resolvedyour anger issues.

I don't have any

god (zap) mo (zap) inganger issues!

As your dwarf-skincanoe rounds a bend,

you suddenly see...

(dice rattling)

...a terrifying red dragon!


What do we do,what do we do?

Wait, I know!

I make use of my rodof fireballs.

(mimicking shooting sounds)


Everyone knows red dragonsare immune to fireballs,

as well as all other formsof incendiary attack.

Yes, but I aim notat the dragon,

but at the river itself

to create a shroud of steamthrough which we can escape.

(expressing amazement)

Sweet pony of Sierra Leone,it worked!




Bender, smellthis milk.

I go not by the nameof Bender,

you fleshy fool!

I am TitaniusAnglesmith,

Fancy Manof Cornwood!

Professor, something'sbothering me.

(in Professor's voice):Well, you can always

talk to meabout anything, Fry.

What's on your mind?

Well, it's... it'sabout my friend Bender.

Hmm, I see.

Show me on thisanatomically correct doll

exactly where hetouched you.

No, no, it'snothing like that.

It's just that I'mworried about him.

He's been playing an awful lotof Dungeons and Dragons.

Dungeons and... good God!

Hasn't he seenthe after-school special?

You've got to talkto him, Fry.

Make him quit now,

before he completelyloses his mind!

Okay, I will.

Good boy.

Just don't let himtouch you down there.

(whooping like a primate)

Well, here's your problemright here.

You've got a skull embeddedin your head.


You're absolutely right, Doctor.

Can the collar come off now?

Let me just peel your heada little

and see if I canget that skull out.



So, you tell me,Little Miss Expert--

why alwayswith the temper?

Calm down, for once,and think.

Here, enjoy a relaxing shpritzfrom my empathy bladder.


What is it already?

What's the causeof your anger?

I guess I wouldhave to say...

I hate you!(zap)

Oh, I'm beginningto understand.

It all goes back

to your parents.What?!

They pushed youto study medicine,

when all youever wanted

was to be a songand dance man.


(sobbing):Why? Why?

I was raised in an orphanarium.

My parents aresewer mutants

who I never even metuntil a few years ago.

Then, you've gotto go to them

and work this songand dance stuff out,

maybe have themcook me nice dinner.

No scallions--I hate them.

Amy, cancel my appointments.

AMY (over intercom):Stop calling me!

Bender, pleasedon't get mad,

but I think youmight be playing

too much Dungeonsand Dragons.

You're absolutelyright, Fry.

I almost went insane,

but after thisheart-to-heart talk,

I've decided to quit.

Really? Phew.

That's a loadoff my toad.

Now, if you'llexcuse me,

I'm offto slay the werewolf

of Goblin Mountain!

(crazed laughing)

En garde,man wench!

Prepare tocross blades!

You couldn't afford it, honey.

(fingers snapping)


Foolish leprechaun!

I scoop your treasure inthe name of the Fancy Men!

HERMES:He also left a smallpile of treasure

on the livingroom rug.

Foul dragon, meet thy doom!

(metal crunching,Bender screaming)




Would you like a napkin, Doctor?

Thank you.


My relationship withmy parents is fine.

Now, hold on, Leela,

maybe this torture collaris good for you.

(zap)What? Ow!

It'll controlyour temper.

Men like a womanwho's not always

slamming their headin a car door.

She's right.

That's what first attracted meto your mother.


(zap)So, Leela,

I understand your friend hereis a physician,

and I'm not seeing a ringon his claw.

Mom, he's a cockroachfrom outer space!


Good, Leela.

Work that anger out!

Excuse me a moment,I'm swarming with parasites.


Hey, it's what's-his-namefrom the surface.

The biclops.

H-have youseen Bender?

He's gone nuts.

Also, smell this milk.

Prepare for a surprise attack!

(all scream)

Someonedo something!

I would, but...Ow!(zap)

Take my collar off.

I can't. I'm still eating.

(eating loudly)

(pained grunting)

Help me, Leela!



I cast upon thee a spellof fireball!



(exclaiming fearfully)



Not the spork!

Beholdeth, Titanius!

I cast a freeze ray upon you!

Pfft, that'sridiculous.

There's no such thingas a freeze ray.

What, you mean a coneof coldness?

Yeah, that.

No, no!

Fancy Men are defenselessagainst cone of coldness!

(scared babbling)

I'm freezing! What... Ah!

Bender, no!

When will young people learnthat Dungeons and Dragons

won't make you cool?

Relax, Fry, I'm a doctor.

I'm sure the robotwill be just fine

with a little help.

Help. Help!