CC Presents: Brian Posehn

  • Season 6, Ep 8
  • 06/09/2002

WHAT IS UP, NEW YORK?

THIS IS AWESOME.

YEAH.

MAN, I LOVE BEING HERE,

THIS IS MY FAVORITE CITY.

IT'S THE BEST.

I WAS JUST AT TIME SQUARE,

YOU KNOW, RIGHT AROUND THE

CORNER HERE AND WENT TO MTV

WHERE THEY SHOOT THAT SHOW

TOTAL REQUEST LIVE.

YOU EVER SEE IT?

WHERE THEY'LL INTERRUPT A VIDEO,

SHOW A BUNCH A JACK ASS KIDS

STANDING OUT ON THE STREET.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME

WATCHING BRITENY SPEARS,

THEY CUT TO A BUNCH OF KIDS

AND SOME LITTLE GIRL'S LIKE,

"I'M TWELVE AND MY NAME'S CINDY

AND I'M FROM KANSAS AND ONE DAY

I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE BRITENY.

WEEEEW!"

(LAUGHTER)

THING ABOUT IT THOUGH,

THEY NEVER SHOW THE TRUE BRITENY

SPEARS FANS.

YOU KNOW, GUYS MY AGE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU'D NEVER SEE ME OUT THERE

GOING "I'M BRIAN AND I'M FROM

L.A. AND I'M THIRTY-FIVE AND I

JUST WANT TO SAY BRITENY SPEARS

SHOULD OPEN UP A BONER FACTORY

'CAUSE SHE MAKES HARD-ONS

ALL DAY, WHEEEW, WHEEEW!"

(APPLAUSE)

"HER MUSIC SUCKS BUT SHE IS

SUPER HOT, WHEEEW!"

AND HER VIDEOS COME ON, I TURN

THE VOLUME OFF AND PUT ON

A LITTLE SYSTEM OF THE DOWN

AND WORK IT!

WHEEEW!

(APPLAUSE)

WHY YOU TURNING THE CAMERAS OFF

CARSON DALEY?

I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT BRITENY.

I'M A FAN.

SERIOUSLY I DO LOVE NEW YORK.

I LOVE ALL THE CRAZY STREET

PEOPLE YOU CAN SEE HERE.

THE FREE ENTERTAINMENT,

YOU KNOW.

I LIKE ANY BIG CITY.

I LIKE ANY PLACE WHERE YOU CAN

SEE A GUY WITH PANTS FULL OF POO

FIGHTING A GHOST.

(LAUGHTER)

RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR HOTEL ROOM.

"COME ON, MR. LINCOLN, COME ON."

YOU MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT.

COME ON."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW WHENEVER YOU SEE

CRAZY PEOPLE TALKING TO

THEMSELVES ON THE STREET,

A LOT OF TIMES THEY WOULDN'T

LOOK QUITE SO NUTS IF THEY HAD

SOMEBODY ELSE WITH THEM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SEE THE GUY WALKING DOWN

THE STREET GOING "THE CHICKEN

DOESN'T GO WOOF THE CHICKEN GOES

BAK-BAK, A DOG GOES WOOF."

HE'D LOOK COMPLETELY IN CONTROL

IF HE HAD A KID RIGHT THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS VISITING MY MOM,

WE HAD OUR FAMILY TREE DONE.

AND IT TURNS OUT I'M A QUARTER

GAY ON MY FATHERS SIDE.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH IS WEIRD.

GERMAN, IRISH, ITALIAN, GAY!

WHO KNEW?

I'M ALSO 1-16th RETARDED.

WHICH IS WEIRD.

THOUGHT IT'D BE MORE THAN THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN TRYING

TO QUIT SMOKING WEED AND IT'S

REALLY HARD MAN, QUITTING POT.

IT'S LIKE IT WAS ACTUALLY EASIER

FOR ME TO BECOME A VEGETARIAN,

YOU KNOW, QUITTING MEAT BECAUSE

YOUR FRIENDS NEVER SHOW UP AT

YOUR HOUSE WITH A SACK OF BEEF.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

DUDE TWIST UP A LINK, STAR TREK

IS ON.

(LAUGHTER)

LET'S FILL UP WITH SAUSAGE

AND LAUGH.

I HAVE TO QUIT SMOKING THOUGH,

'CAUSE I CAN'T WRITE JOKES

WHEN I'M HIGH.

I ALWAYS THINK I WROTE THE MOST

GENIUS JOKE OF MY LIFE.

NEXT MORNING, NO FAIL, I'M

LOOKING' AT A COCKTAIL NAPKIN

THAT SAYS "CHICKEN MONKEY."

I'M GOING, WHAT THE...HUH?

CALLING ALL MY FRIENDS, "DUDE,

WHAT WAS THE CHICKEN MONKEY

THING?"

I DON'T REMEMBER MAN,

BUT WE WERE (BLEEP) CRYING.

(LAUGHTER)

BRIAN POSEHN>> SO I DON'T

GET OUT MUCH, CLEARLY.

FRIEND OF MINE DRAGGED ME

TO A CLUB RECENTLY.

I REALLY ONLY GO TO COMEDY CLUBS

AND HEAVY METAL SHOWS, YOU KNOW.

THIS GUY DRAGGED ME TO A PICK UP

JOINT TO SEE ALL THE LADIES

AND I WAS AMAZED AT HOW HOT

GIRLS DRESS WHEN THEY GO OUT

CLUBBING.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN

OUT AND IT'S AMAZING, YOU KNOW,

THE PLASTIC TOP SHOWING THE

CLEAVAGE, AND THE LEATHER PANTS

PULLED UP AND PULLED DOWN HERE

SHOWING THE MOOSE KNUCKLE AND

THE CAMEL TOE AND THE WHOLE

DEAL.

(LAUGHTER)

JUST SHOWING OFF ALL THEIR PARTS

BASICALLY, YOU KNOW.

FEATURING ALL THEIR AREAS.

LIKE "FELLAS, LOOK WHAT I GOT.

WHEEEW!"

THING ABOUT IT IS GUYS DON'T

DO THAT WHEN THEY GO OUT.

GUYS DON'T WEAR OUTFITS THAT

FEATURE THE DONG.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I THINK WE SHOULD THOUGH,

START PULLING YOUR PANTS DOWN A

LITTLE BIT, SHOW A LITTLE BIT OF

NECK.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

NOTHING OFFENSIVE,

JUST TWO INCHES OF (BLEEP) NECK.

A LITTLE MALE CLEAVAGE.

KEEP IT TASTEFUL.

LET THE LADIES KNOW THAT

LATER ON IF THEY PLAY THEIR

CARDS RIGHT, THEY CAN SEE THE

OTHER INCH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S RIGHT, NEW YORK,

I HAVE A THREE INCH DONG

AND I'M TALKING ABOUT IT ON

COMEDY CENTRAL.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW IN SUMMER TIME

GIRLS OUT IN L.A. WILL WEAR

THE HALF SHIRT SHOWING THE

BOTTOM BOOB?

FELLAS, PULL UP THE SHORT AND

SHOW THEM A LITTLE BOTTOM NUT.

THAT'S ALL I'M TAKING ABOUT...

THE BOTTOM NUT.

SO I WENT ON T

TO MEET GIRLS AND IT'S NOT A

GOOD PLACE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW BUT THE

INTERNET IS FULL A CREEPS.

AND, UH, I MET THIS GIRL

IN A CHAT ROOM OR SO SHE SAID.

IT'S PROBABLY SOME GIANT DUDE.

SO WE'RE TALKING AND SHE WANTS

TO HAVE CYBERSEX, WHICH IF YOU

DON'T KNOW WHAT CYBERSEX IS,

IT'S LIKE PHONE SEX BUT WITH THE

KEYBOARD IT'S JUST THE NEW LEVEL

OF SAD.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SITTING THERE

WORKING IT WITH ONE HAND TYPING,

"WHAT ARE YOU WEARING LADY?"

IT'S PATHETIC.

PATHETIC FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM.

SO THIS GIRL, HER NAME WAS

"CYBERCAT 72."

IT WAS HER SCREEN NAME,

'CAUSE I GUESS THERE WERE

71 OTHER CYBERCATS.

(LAUGHTER)

SO WE MEET AND SHE WANTS TO HAVE

CYBERSEX AND I'M LIKE

"ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TRY ANYTHING ONCE."

SO WE GO INTO THIS CHAT ROOM

ALONE AND WE'RE IN THERE

AND SHE STARTS TO HAVE CYBERSEX,

BUT SHE'S DOING IT LIKE A CAT.

WHICH 'CAUSE OF HER SCREEN NAME,

WHICH IS WEIRD, STARTS OFF

AND I'M KIND OF ALL RIGHT

WITH IT SHE'S LIKE I'M RUBBING

AGAINST YOUR LEG, PURRRR."

AND I WAS LIKE "THAT'S ALL

RIGHT.

I LIKE MY LEG RUBBED, NEXT,

BRING IT..."

(LAUGHTER)

AND SHE'S LIKE, "I'M CLIMBING

INTO YOUR LAP, PURRR."

I'M LIKE, WHO DOESN'T LIKE

SOMEBODY IN THEIR LAP?

I'VE PAID FOR IT A BUNCH.

SO, UH, WHAT'S NEXT?

THEN SHE'S LIKE "I'M LIFTING

MY TAIL SO YOU CAN SEE MY CUTE

LITTLE PINK BUTT HOLE."

I'M LIKE "NO!"

AND SHE'S LIKE "I'M LICKING

YOUR AREA WITH MY SAND PAPERY

TONGUE."

I'M LIKE "NO!"

I WAS HORRIFIED, 'CAUSE THAT'S

NOT MY FANTASY.

TO HAVE SEX WITH A CAT,

THAT'S OBVIOUSLY HER DEAL,

SHE WANTS TO BE A CAT AND HAVE

SEX WITH A DUDE AND THAT'S ALL

RIGHT.

BUT THAT'S NOT MY FANTASY.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX

WITH A CAT, I'VE GOT THREE CATS.

I MEAN, I COULD MAKE THAT HAPPEN

IF I WANTED TO.

I'M BIG.

THEY'RE LITTLE.

I CAN SHUT DOORS.

YOU KNOW, BOX 'EM IN.

BUT I'M NOT GONNA, SO DON'T

WRITE LETTERS.

(LAUGHTER)

K-Y LUBRICANT.

THEY SHOW IT AT 1:30

IN THE MORNING.

REALLY LATE AT NIGHT IF YOU'VE

EVER SEEN IT.

IT'S A WOMAN TALKING TO THE

CAMERA ABOUT WHEN SHE'S HAVING

SEX WITH HER MAN AND SHE NEEDS

A LITTLE HELP.

YOU KNOW.

A LITTLE LUBE.

AND THE THING IS IT'S BASICALLY

AT 1:30 IN THE MORNING.

THERE'S NO COUPLES WATCHING.

YOU KNOW, AND THIS AD IS CLEARLY

FOR COUPLES.

AT 1:30, YOU KNOW, FLIPPING

AROUND, IT'S ALL DUDES.

YOU KNOW, ALONE AND FLIPPING

THE CHANNELS AND WORKING IT.

THAT'S WHAT I THINK THE AD

SHOULD BE.

IT SHOULD BE A GUY LIKE ME...

SITTING ALONE IN HIS CRAPPY

APARTMENT YOU KNOW HOLDING UP

THE K-Y GOING...

"ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS I LIKE

TO PUNISH MY SCHLONG LIKE

I CAUGHT IT BREAKING INTO MY

HOUSE...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND K-Y CUTS DOWN ON THE

FRICTION SO IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE

MY DONGER GOT PUSHED OUT OF A

MOVING CAR.

K-Y, JUST WORK IT."

(LAUGHTER)

COME ON MASTURBATING.

MASTURBATING.

BRIAN POSEHN>> I WATCH A LOT OF

TV, A LOT OF NEWS.

YOU KNOW WHENEVER YOU SEE

RIOT FOOTAGE ON TV, YOU KNOW,

SOMEBODY THROWING A BRICK

IN PAKISTAN OR SOMEBODY THROWING

A FIERY PIECE POO THROUGH A

STARBUCKS WINDOW UP IN SEATTLE.

YOU EVER SEE ANYBODY THROW

ANYTHING UNDERHAND?

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK IT JUST TAKES ALL

THE AGGRESSION OUT OF THE ACT.

YOU'D NEVER SEE ANYBODY GO

"(BLEEP) THE GOVERNMENT."

AH-HUH.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T THINK IT HELPS

YOUR CAUSE, IT JUST MAKES YOU

LOOK LIKE A PUSS.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I GET SO FREAKED OUT WITH

TERRORISM AND THE SUICIDE SQUADS

AND STUFF LIKE THAT, IT'S ALWAYS

SCARED ME, IT'S ALWAYS

FRIGHTENED ME.

AND THE THING THAT PISSES ME OFF

IS THAT WE DON'T HAVE GUYS

THAT WILL DO THAT ON OUR SIDE.

WE DON'T HAVE GUYS THAT WILL

DO THAT FOR UNCLE SAM.

WE DON'T HAVE SUICIDE SQUADS,

WE DON'T HAVE GUYS THAT WILL

PUT DYNAMITE ONTO A VAN AND

DRIVE IN TO A TALIBAN CHURCH

PICNIC PIE EATING CONTEST...

TAKE EVERYBODY OUT.

I THINK, IF WE WANTED TO,

WE COULD SET UP A GOVERNMENT RUN

SUICIDE HOT LINE NUMBER.

GET KIDS CALLING ALL HOURS

OF THE NIGHT DEPRESSED.

(LAUGHTER)

"I HATE MY MOM, I HATE MY LIFE,

I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF."

"HEY, THAT'S REALLY TOO BAD.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE

A STICK SHIFT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A BIG

HEAVY METAL FAN.

I'VE LOVED HEAVY METAL MY WHOLE

LIFE.

AND I REMEMBER ACTUALLY BEING

FIFTEEN AND BEING AROUND

ALL MY FRIENDS AND WRITING STUFF

ON MY FOLDER LIKE THIS GOING,

"DUDES, I'M GONNA LOVE METAL

FOREVER.

HEAVY METAL TILL I'M 60.

IRON MAIDEN, SLAYER, METALLICA

TILL I'M 60."

I'M 35 NOW.

I THINK I'M GONNA GIVE IT

ONE MORE YEAR.

AND THEN CALL IT A NIGHT.

STARTING TO GET SAD.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I CAN'T GO TO

CONCERTS ANYMORE 'CAUSE IT'S ALL

15 YEAR OLD KIDS AT THE CONCERTS

AND I'M THE CREEPY OLD GUY

OVER IN THE CORNER GIVING THEM

THE WILLIES.

THEY ALL THINK I'M GONNA TRY

TO LURE THEM INTO MY VAN.

(LAUGHTER)

SO I MENTIONED THAT I'M CLEARLY

I'M A BIT OF A DORK.

(APPLAUSE)

I GUESS I DIDN'T HAVE TO MENTION

THAT BUT...

(WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE)

HEY, I DON'T WANT THAT TO BE THE

BIGGEST THING I GET ALL NIGHT,

ADMITTING I'M A DORK!

BUT I GOT A LITTLE GRIEF IN

HIGH SCHOOL AND JUNIOR HIGH.

I GOT PICKED ON A BUNCH.

I HAD ONE FACTOR LEADING TO ME

REALLY GETTING PICKED ON WAS

THAT I HAD MOM'S BOYFRIENDS,

YOU KNOW, AND THIS ONE GUY--

I WANTED TO GET COOL SHOES.

IT WAS SEVENTH GRADE AND I

WANTED TO GET PUMAS AND NIKE'S

FOR AH P.E. LIKE ALL THE OTHER

KIDS, AND MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND

TAKES ME TO K-MART.

YOU KNOW, TO GET THE CHEAP ASS

SHOES THEY HAVE THERE AND HE'S

LIKE, "HEY THEY LOOK LIKE

ADIDAS."

AND I'M LIKE "THERE'S AN EXTRA

STRIPE YOU (BLEEP)!

I STILL HAVE ALL THIS NERD RAGE,

YOU KNOW, I STILL HAVE ALL THIS

STUFF TO DEAL WITH.

I STILL HATE JOCKS AND I'M LIKE

35 AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANY

JOCKS.

I HAVE ALL THIS AGGRESSION

STILL.

AND IT'S TOTALLY TRUE, I WAS

PULLING INTO WORK ONE MORNING

IN L.A. AND THERE'S NO PLACE

TO PARK SO I HAD TO PARK ON THE

STREET.

AND THERE WAS NO SPACES OPEN.

THERE WAS A KIDS MATTRESS LAYING

IN THE STREET SO I WAS LIKE

SCREW IT, RIGHT.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET OUT AND MOVE

IT, I JUST PARKED OVER IT.

I WENT "ARRRRR, ERRRRR, EEEEET."

PARALLEL PARKED, GO INTO WORK.

I COME OUT LIKE EIGHT HOURS

LATER AND GET IN MY CAR,

DRIVE AROUND THE CORNER

AND THERE'S THIS GYM RIGHT

THERE.

I'M DRIVING BY THE GYM AND THESE

TWO DUDES ARE COMING OUT OF THE

GYM, TOTAL JOCKS, AND THEY LOOK

AT ME AND THEY'RE LIKE "AH-HA."

AND THEY START POINTING AND

LAUGHING, YOU KNOW, LIKE

"GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY!"

AND ALL THIS NERD RAGE JUST CAME

FLYING BACK.

I JUST HAD THIS HUGE NERD

FLASHBACK AND I FLIP OUT,

AND I LOSE MY (BLEEP) AND

I'M JUST LIKE "(BLEEP) YOU!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!

'CAUSE I WEAR GLASSES?!

I HAVE A VISION PROBLEM, (BLEEP)

YOU, YOU (BLEEP) JOCK (BLEEP),

I (BLEEP) HATE YOU!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

JUST LOSING MY MIND, AND LUCKILY

I HAD MY WINDOWS UP...

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THEY COULD TELL I WAS MAD,

YOU KNOW.

I'M ALL RED FACED AND FLIPPING

THE BIRD.

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT A

WEIRDO", YOU KNOW.

THIS IS TOTALLY TRUE SO I

GO PAST THEM AND I GET TO

THE NEXT BLOCK AND THERE'S A

CONSTRUCTION SITE THERE.

THERE'S A COUPLE OF CONSTRUCTION

WORKERS STANDING OUT FRONT.

ONE GUY LOOKS AT ME AND GOES

TO HIS BUDDY, "GET A LOAD OF

THIS GUY."

AND THEN I LOSE IT AGAIN

I'M LIKE, "BRING IT ON!

YOU GUYS USED TO BE JOCKS

AND NOW YOU HAVE TO BUILD STUFF,

(BLEEP) YOU!"

(LAUGHTER)

AND I THOUGHT FOR A SECOND,

AND I PULL OVER AND SURE ENOUGH,

THE MATTRESS IS STUCK UNDERNEATH

MY CAR.

(LAUGHTER)

I'D BEEN DRAGGING IT FOR

TWO BLOCKS, YOU KNOW, THE WOOD

PART WAS ALL TORN TO (BLEEP),

THERE'S LIKE A TWO BLOCK TRAIL

BEHIND MY CAR.

ONE OF THE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

ACTUALLY HELPS ME PULL IT OUT

FROM UNDERNEATH MY CAR.

HE WAS SUPER COOL AND I FELT

LIKE SUCH A DOUCHE.

IT JUST MADE ME THINK THAT MAYBE

I'M NOT A GEEK, MAYBE I'VE JUST

BEEN DRAGGING A MATTRESS MY

WHOLE LIFE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M A GEEK.

KIND OF A JACKASS, I'VE ALWAYS

BEEN ONE OF THOSE GUYS THAT DOES

A LOT OF PRANKS, YOU KNOW.

I-- 'CAUSE I GOT PICKED ON SO

I'D GET PLEASURE PICKING ON

STRANGERS.

I USED TO DO PRANK CALLS TILL

STAR 69 AND CALLER ID PUT KIBOSH

ON THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

I STILL LOVE DOING PRANKS,

NOW I LOVE YELLING STUFF OUT OF

MY CAR WINDOW AT STRANGERS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'LL JUST YELL STUFF THAT WILL

PISS THEM OFF.

LIKE LAST YEAR WHEN THE

STAR WARS PREQUEL CAME OUT

IN L.A., NERDS WERE LINED UP

FOR DAYS.

AND BEING A NERD, I KNOW HOW

TO PISS NERDS OFF.

I KNOW WHAT GETS TO 'EM.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY HATE IT WHEN YOU GET THEIR

OBSESSION WRONG.

YOU KNOW.

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN YOU GET THE THING THEY'VE

WASTED THEIR LIFE ON WRONG.

SO ALL THESE GUYS ARE WAITING

FOR THE STAR WARS MOVIE AND I

LEAN OUT OF MY CAR AND GO

"STAR TREK SUCKS!

PICKARD'S A LOSER, STAR TREK

BLOWS!"

JUST KNOWING I WOULD PISS OFF

ONE OF THEM, IT WORKED.

YOU KNOW.

ONE OF 'EM STEPS UP AND GOES,

"IT'S STAR WARS!

GET IT RIGHT!

IT'S GEORGE LUCAS' VISION BASED

ON THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY

AND THIS WAS A PREQUEL HE ALWAYS

PLANNED."

AND I'M LIKE SITTING IN MY CAR,

HA-HA, STUPID NERDS.

(LAUGHTER)

I STILL LOVE YELLING STUFF

OUT OF MY CAR.

AND NOW WHAT I'LL DO IS

I'LL YELL SOMETHING THAT PEOPLE

CAN'T GET MAD AT ME FOR 'CAUSE

I CAN'T FIGHT.

I'VE NEVER FOUGHT, BUT I'M

PRETTY SURE I CAN'T FIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

SO WHAT I'LL DO IS I'LL YELL

SOMETHING NOBODY COULD POSSIBLY

GET MAD AT, YOU KNOW.

IF I SEE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

WALKING DOWN THE STREET

I'LL YELL, "HOMO!"

(LAUGHTER)

SHE CAN'T GET PISSED.

AND I STILL GET THE PLEASURE

OF YELLING AT HER.

SHE'S MOSTLY JUST PUZZLED.

"I'M A PRETTY LADY?

DID THAT GUY CALL ME A HOMO?

THAT'S WEIRD."

TRUE STORY ABOUT THAT JOKE.

I DID IT IN L.A. AND JOE PESCI

WAS IN THE AUDIENCE.

I'M A HUGE PESCI FAN.

AND HE CAME UP TO ME AFTERWARDS

AND I CAN'T DO AN IMPRESSION OF

THE GUY BUT HE CAME UP TO ME AND

HE GOES, "HEY, THAT THING YOU DO

ABOUT YELLING STUFF AT PEOPLE,

I'M GONNA DO THAT, I'M GONNA

YELL HOMO AT SOME BROAD."

AND I WAS LIKE SWEET!

(LAUGHTER)

SO THAT JUST GIVES IT ANOTHER

LEVEL.

YOU KNOW, PESCI'S A MAN OF HIS

WORD.

YOU KNOW HE TRIED IT AT LEAST

ONCE.

SO YOU KNOW LIKE A YEAR AGO

SOME WOMAN'S WALKING DOWN

SUNSET BOULEVARD GOING,

"DID JOE PESCI JUST CALL ME

A HOMO?

THAT IS WEIRD.

THE STAR OF GOODFELLAS

AND GONE FISHIN HOW STRANGE."

(LAUGHTER)

I HAVE OTHER STUFF THAT I YELL,

LIKE IF I SEE GAY GENTLEMEN

WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

I'LL YELL "GO BACK TO MEXICO!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY CAN'T GET MAD.

OR "I SMELL BACON!"

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

THEY CAN'T GET PISSED.

AND IF I SEE COPS I YELL,

"SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS!"

(LAUGHTER)

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