Lounge Lizards: Jeffrey Ross

  • Season 1, Ep 0101
  • 07/17/2002

I just hope you like me, because

I'm, like, two hands away from a

day job.

I'm losing my ass, man.

You guys are, like, the nicest

crowds out here, man.

I'm from New York City, and I

get... I'm not proud of it.

I get intimidated sometimes.

Like, New York crowds can be

really tough.

Like, I did a show in Brooklyn a

few weeks ago.

I was terrified.

I'll admit it.

Some guy came up to me

afterwards, he goes, "You were

funny, man.

I laughed so hard I stabbed my

friend."

( laughter )

You guys cheered me up, man.

You really did.

I got wasted last night and I

hit an animal with my car...

in the lobby of Caesar's Palace.

How the hell does that happen?

( laughter )

I hope you like me, man.

The only thing worse that

bombing is bombing wearing a

tux.

I like your outfit, man.

That's beautiful.

You look like a hooker on

the Enterprise.

Jesus Christ.

( cheers and applause )

I'm just kidding.

I'm just teasing you.

Oh, my God.

"900 bucks, Captain."

( laughter )

"I'm the alien with five

vaginas."

( laughter )

No, it looks great.

( laughter )

This is going to be fun, man.

I can feel it.

I tried to lose some weight.

I'm on a diet.

I don't know.

See if you can back me up here.

You know you're getting fat when

you go to unbutton the top

button of your pants and you

already did it.

( laughter )

And I always wear the button fly

jeans, you know, so it's like

one button for dinner, two

buttons for dessert, three

buttons for Baywatch.

( laughter )

Pamela Anderson from Baywatch is

on the cover of the

new Playbo right?

My buddy calls me up, he's like,

"Jeff, Jeff, did you read it?"

I said, "Read it?

I ruined it."

( laughter )

Don't act like you don't get it,

either.

I don't know.

I think it's kind of frightening

being single, especially with

all the diseases, and you've got

to worry about safe sex and

everything.

Think about this, you guys.

Wouldn't it be great if our

bodies were designed so that

instead of bad things, good

things could be transmitted

through sex?

Like skills.

"Oh, baby, I'm going to do you

until you can juggle."

( laughter )

"Oh, my God.

Don't stop.

I'm a carpenter.

Computer programming, air

conditioning, refrigeration,

auto mechanic, whatever the hell

Sally Struthers says in that

commercial."

( laughter )

"How was your date last night?

Did you get lucky?"

"I think my resume speaks for

itself."

( laughter and applause )

My impression.

This impression is called... I

hope you like it.

It's called your first high

school party, your first beer

ever.

I hated high school.

I hated high school because my

dad worked there.

He was a cafeteria lady.

( laughter )

That's hard to live down, man.

I have another impression.

I don't know if it's going to

work or not.

Can I borrow somebody's bag real

quick?

Could I borrow your bag real

quick, anybody?

Oh, perfect.

( laughter )

I'm just teasing.

This one's called "Waiting for

the School Bus in Seventh

Grade."

( laughter and applause )

Did I mess up my hair?

Do you like it?

It's a new style.

It's called "Give it a Couple

Weeks."

( laughter )

How do you think I feel?

I love kids.

I'm afraid to have kids ever

since Dr. Seuss died.

Did you know that?

Dr. Seuss was my hero when I was

a kid, man.

I would have loved to give the

eulogy at his funeral.

"Should we put him in the

ground?

Should we bury him upside down?

He's dead, he's dead.

I said he's dead.

I do not like him in a box.

I do not like him without socks.

Sad to see him go I am.

Because now he smells like green

eggs and ham."

>> I'm not like other comedians.

I just want you to know that

right now.

I tend to start out slow and

then get fired.

( laughter )

I bought a new answering machine

today.

Man, that was kind of weird.

I feel pressure to make a funny

message.

The only thing worse or more

annoying that a funny message is

when people have long, boring,

drawn-out messages.

You know what I mean?

"We're not home.

Leave your name, number, the

time you ca..." does anybody

here seriously not know what to

do?

( laughter )

Are people leaving other data

instead?

"Yo, man, call me back right

away.

My address is 1515 Broadway.

My favorite food is corn.

My favorite movie is Fast Times

at Ridgemont High.

Call me back.

I love to collect acorns.

Virgo, Virgo!

O-positive!

Call me back!"

You ever hear this one?

You ever hear this one?

Here's the most annoying one.

"Speak clearly after the tone."

( speaking gibberish )

( coughing )

"Hey, Phil, guess what happened.

You wouldn't believe it.

Wa-wa-wa-wa, wa-wa-wa-wa-wa."

That's right, Phil, Charlie

Brown's teacher died."

My sister, who I love dearly,

has a Doberman Pinscher.

I love dogs, okay?

I want you to know that.

I love dogs.

But I hate her dog, because he

snaps at me all the time.

He's mean as hell, right?

So now when my sister goes to

work during the day I call up

her answering machine, leave the

dog messages to make him crazy.

( laughter )

"Come on, boy, want to go for a

walk?

Where's the leash?

Come on, baby.

Who's at the door?

Go see who's at the door!

Who's at the door?

( imitating cat )

Where is he?

( imitating cat )"

One time the dog picked up.

"What the hell are you doing,

man?

It's not funny."

( laughter )

"I've got star-69.

I got you."

I'm not always politically

correct onstage, you know?

Did you say, "No duh?"

Don't mess with me, man, because

I'll come out there, and I'll

kick her ass.

I swear to God, man.

I'm crazy.

( applause )

I'm not always politically

correct, like I said.

I don't even know the language

anymore.

Like, tell me if I'm getting

this right okay?

Indians are now Native

Americans, black people are

African Americans, Irish people

are Drunk Americans.

( laughter )

You can't even call midgets

midgets anymore.

It's not the... you know what

the proper thing to do now,

politically correct?

The proper thing to do when you

see a midget now is to lean over

and say, "Excuse me, is the

circus in town?"

( laughter )

You think it goes that far?

You think circus freaks are

politically correct with other

circus freaks?

You think the strong man is in

the back of the circus tent,

"Hey, look, it's the bearded

lady over there."

"Excuse me, we prefer to be

called Italian Americans."

( laughter )

I don't have any more jokes.

Damn!

( laughter )

It's hard being a comedian.

A lot of pressure being a

comedian sometimes.

It really is.

I was dating this girl once for

a few weeks, right, and the

first time she saw my penis she

said, "Is everything a joke with

you?"

( laughter )

How do you think I feel?

I'm hung like a hangnail.

They call me the Cashew Jew.

( laughter )

I used to go out with a girl who

worked for a record company.

That's a really hip job.

After our first date she sent me

a whole bunch of new CDs in the

mail.

Now I just have to take her out

three more times in the next

five years.

( laughter )

I once went on a blind date.

Anybody ever do that?

It's the weirdest thing in the

world, man.

My grandfather fixed me up on a

blind date.

I'm no prize, okay?

That's not the funny part.

( laughter )

But I picked this girl up--

heinous.

That was her name, Heinous.

( laughter )

You should see her sister,

Horrendous.

I get to her building, right,

she opens the door, I took one

look, I did, like, a Buckwheat,

you know?

( laughter )

She looked like Dr. Ruth.

But not as tall and pretty as

Dr. Ruth.

( laughter )

Picture Rush Limbaugh with long,

blonde, curly hair.

( laughter )

And I'm trying to be nice, make

conversation.

I'm like, "So Heinous...

( laughter )

...I was just admiring that

infected stye."

She had a mole right here with

hair growing out of it talking

to me the whole time, you know?

( screaming )

I don't even know her.

She's crazy, too.

Her personality is worse than

her appearance.

We're in the middle of the

restaurant, she stands up, she

starts wigging out, right?

She's like, "You don't like me.

You don't respect me."

I'm like, "I don't know you.

Sit down," right?

She's like, "You don't like me,

just because you heard... you

found out I tried to kill myself

once a month for the last three

and a half years.

Well, I'm over it.

I'm better.

What do you think of me now?"

"Nobody likes a quitter."

Think this would work as a

pickup line?

Think this would work?

What's your name?

Relax, buddy.

What's your name?

Are you high?

You can tell me.

Come on.

Pot makes you paranoid.

You ever notice that?

I was driving my car one time...

I only got high once in my life,

right?

And I'm driving my car, right?

It makes you paranoid.

Because the weatherman came on

the radio and said, "High in the

mid-20s."

And how the hell does he know,

you know?

( laughter )

Pulls me over, right?

Big fat cop pulls me... they

hate to be called "Cop."

Police officer.

Are there any police officers

here?

Big fatass pulls me over.

I'm just kidding, man.

( cheers and applause )

Where are you a police officer

at, sir?

Memphis.

Screw it.

( laughter )

All right, back to the story.

So I get pulled over, right?

Big, fat police officer pulls me

over, right?

And I'm stoned, you know?

He goes, "You know how fast you

were going back there?"

And I tried to say, "I don't

remember."

But it came out...

( laughter )

"November?"

( laughter )

He gets all mad.

"Let's see some license and

registration."

I thought he said, "Let's see

some masturbation."

( laughter )

So I whipped it out.

I've got points.

I can't screw around, right?

He took one look at my penis and

he said, "Is everything a joke

with you?"

I'm very shy around women, you

know?

Like, I'm very, like... I mean,

I had a girlfriend once who was

kind of kinky, you know?

She used to say this.

You ever hear this?

"Talk dirty to me.

Talk dirty to me."

You never hear the opposite.

"Hey, baby, talk clean to me."

"Oh, my God, I want to meet your

parents.

I want to walk around the mall

wearing matching sweatshirts and

take you to that Michael Bolton

concert.

Oh, my god, I'm going to come to

your house for Christmas."

>> All right.

It'll change your mood if you

guys will indulge me.

I want to try... perfect.

How are you, William?

>> Well.

How are you doing?

>> How are you doing, man?

( cheers and applause )

The band, everybody.

I wrote a love poem, and I'm

going to try it on you guys, all

right?

It's called "My Girl Giggles."

( laughter )

"The first time I asked her to

dance she just smiled and nodded

her head and giggled.

When I asked her to be my wife

she just smiled and nodded her

head and giggled.

When I asked her how many

children she wanted to have she

just smiled and nodded her head

and giggled.

That's when I realized she's

retarded."

( laughter )

( cheers and applause )

This is a poem I wrote about

my... I wrote about... it's a

poem I wrote about

( stammering ).

You're the best.

This is a poem I wrote about my

experience here in Las Vegas.

It's called, "Where the

( bleep ) is the ATM Machine?"

( cheers and applause )

"Poker.

Poker, four in the morning.

Biggest pot of the night.

Couldn't fold.

I was going to win that hand.

I had a jack high."

( laughter )

"Decided to bluff everybody out.

I raised and raised again.

It was looking good.

Everybody folded except the 90-

year-old Chinese lady on the

end."

( laughter )

"I've been to the Chinese

laundry.

They never fold."

( laughter )

"It was go time.

We showed our cards.

Damn!

A pair of queens.

I lost it all to a pair of

queens.

Or as they call it in Vegas, a

Siegfied and Roy."

I didn't write this one.

This is a poem that my dad wrote

for my mom.

It's called, "Enough with the

Bread Already."

( laughter )

"Your smile blooms like a bright

summer flower.

Your hair flows down like a soft

rain shower.

Your eyes are like open seas,

blue from coast to coast.

So how come your ass looks like

a truck?

Enough with the bread already."

( cheers and applause )

I know what you're thinking.

I know what you're thinking.

In all fairness, here's one my

mom wrote back to my dad in

rebuttal.

( laughter )

It's called "Put a Shirt On,

You're Scaring the Children."

( laughter )

"I love you, and you love me.

But you eat like you have two

buttholes."

( laughter )

"Put a shirt on, you're scaring

the children.

And put some pants on, you're

scaring the cat."

( laughter and applause )

You know, I actually have a

girlfriend now, William.

>> Is that right?

>> Yeah.

I think she's too young for me,

though.

>> Why do you say that?

>> Because I told her I love

her, and she said, "Then buy me

a pony."

( laughter )

>> Yeah, that's really young.

>> Here's a last poem.

I've got to go.

It's a sad one.

I don't mean to leave you on a

sad one.

It's a love poem.

It's called... it's called "I

miss her sometimes."

"I ran into my old girlfriend

yesterday.

Then I backed up and ran into

her again."

( cheers and applause )

"I miss her sometimes."

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