Norm Macdonald: Me Doing Stand-Up

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 03/26/2011

Life's not great, but Norm Macdonald points out that it's better than being dead, even when taking into account the human body's cruelty, the news and the hazards of hope.

SEX COULDN'T BE SIMPLER.

HEY, THERE'S ONLY LIKEFIVE THINGS YOU CAN DO

IN THE WHOLE [bleep] THING.

YOU KNOW?

YOU EVER THINKYOU INVENTED A SIXTH?

YOU'RE LIKE,"WHAT ABOUT THIS? AAGH!"

THEN LATER, YOU GO,"AH, IN ALL HUMILITY,

I GUESS THAT WASPRETTY CLOSE TO NUMBER FIVE."

YOU KNOW WHO'S REALLY--

YOU KNOW WHO'S REALLYPROUD OF THEIR SEX?

YOU EVER HEAR GUYS WITHSMALL [bleep] TALK ABOUT IT?

SMALL [bleep] GUYS.THEM GUYS.

HOLY LORD.CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT ENOUGH.

THEY EVEN GOT POEMS.YOU KNOW, THEY'LL SAY,

"AH, IT'S NOT THE MOTIONOF THE OCEAN,

IT'S THE BOATOF THE LOTION."

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW THE--I DON'TMEMORIZE THE POEMS.

BUT...

I'VE EVEN HEARD VARIANTSOF THE SAME POEM.

IT'S LIKE, "IT'S NOT THE TREEOR THE SIZE,

IT'S THE AXTHAT YOU WHACKS."

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT, UH, IT'S...

IT'S A LITTLE SUB GENREOF POETRY NOW

THAT'S TAUGHT IN MANYOF OUR FINER INSTITUTIONS.

TURNS OUT GUYSWITH SMALL [bleep],

NOTHING THEY LIKE MORE

THAN JUST SPOUTIN'FREE VERSE AT HOME

ABOUT THEIR...

AND THE...[chuckling]

THE SUBTEXT OF EVERY ONEOF THESE BEAUTIFUL POEMS

IS, UH, IT DOESN'T MATTERHOW BIG YOUR [bleep] IS,

IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT.

YOU KNOW?

LIKE THE GUY WITH THE GIANT[bleep] WOULD HAVE NO CLUE.

YOU KNOW, HOW WOULD...

HOW WOULD HE POSSIBLY KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU DO?YOU PUT IT IN, AND THEN YOU...

"I'M STUMPED.I DON'T KNOW."

"IT'S IRONIC--EVERYONEWANTS MY GIANT [bleep],

"BUT...

"I DON'T THINKI'LL EVER SOLVE THIS...

"RUBRIC.I DON'T KNOW, I...

"IF ONLY IT WAS SMALLERAND EASIER TO MANEUVER, I...

"I CAN'T--I CAN'T FIGURE IT.

I DON'T KNOW."

LIKE, ALL RIGHT,ONE TIME, I READ THIS.

THIS IS A THING I READ,UH, UH, BY A SCIENTIST.

IT WAS IN ONE OF THOSEBIG SCIENCE BOOKS, YOU KNOW?

OR ELSE IT WAS ONE LINEIN USA TODAY.

I CAN'T REMEMBER.BUT...

BUT IT SAID THIS.IT SAID,

"SCIENTISTS NOW SAY

THAT A MAN THINKS ABOUT SEXONCE EVERY 7.3 SECONDS."

NOW, I KNOW WHAT I THINKONCE EVERY 7.3 SECONDS.

I'LL JUST BE WALKINGDOWN THE STREET, YOU KNOW.

YOU JUST, YOU KNOW,YOU'RE LIKE,

"DOODLEY DO.HEY, THERE'S A BUILDING.

"DOO DOO DOO DEE.

"HEY, LOOK AT THAT.

"GUY WEARING COWBOY BOOTSOVER THERE.

"HOW 'BOUT THAT? HUH.

"DOODLEY DOO. WONDER IF ISHOULD WEAR COWBOY BOOTS.

"NAH, I'M TOO OLDFOR THAT STUFF.

"OH, THERE'STHAT BUILDING AGAIN.

"DOODLEY DOO.

"HEY, MY ASS IS ITCHYOVER HERE.

"I CAN'T SCRATCH MY ASSOUT HERE IN THE STREET.

"HEY, WILLIE NELSONSTILL WEARS COWBOY BOOTS.

"BILLY JOE SHAVER, TOO.

THOSE FELLAS MUST BEWELL NIGH THREESCORE AND TEN."

ANYWAY, IT'S JUST A BUNCHOF MEANINGLESS GIBBERISH.

THAT'S MY POINT.

BUT IT'S NOT SEX.

AND THEN, THE REAL TIME--

THIS IS THE AMOUNT OF TIMETHAT YOU THINK ABOUT SEX.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

WHICH IS...NOT A SCIEN--

SCIENTISTS DON'T LIKETHAT TERM.

BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILEYOU THINK ABOUT IT,

AND, UH, YOU KNOW,LIKE, I THINK ABOUT IT

EVERY COUPLE DAYS.

OR IF YOU'RE A YOUNGER MAN,

YOU PROBABLYTHINK ABOUT IT MORE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT THENTHE PROBLEM BECOMES,

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

IT'S ALLYOU CAN THINK ABOUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT JUST ENCOMPASSESYOUR WHOLE BRAIN.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JUST LIKE,"AAH!"

YOU'RE LIKE A--

LIKE A FUCKING WEREWOLFOR SOMETHING, LIKE...

USUALLY, YOU'RE A CIVILIZEDHUMAN BEING.

BUT THEN EVERY COUPLE DAYS,YOU'RE LIKE, "AH HAH...

AH HAH."

AND THEN YOU GOTTACLOSE THE BLINDS, YOU KNOW?

MY UNCLE BURT,HE'S MY GREAT-UNCLE,

BUT WE CALL HIM UNCLE BURT.

HE GOT BOWEL CANCER NOW.

HE'S, UH...HE'S DYINGOF IT, YOU KNOW.

AND, UH--

OR LIKE, UH,SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY...

NOW THEY--SEE, IN THE OLD DAYS,

A MAN COULD JUST GET SICKAND DIE, YOU KNOW?

NOW THEY HAVETO WAGE A BATTLE,

[laughs] SO...

SO MY UNCLE BURTIS WAGING A--

A COURAGEOUS BATTLE,

WHICH I HAVE SEEN,'CAUSE I GO AND VISIT HIM,

AND THIS IS THE BATTLE.

HE'S LYINGIN A HOSPITAL BED

WITH A THING IN HIS ARM,WATCHING MATLOCK ON THE TV.

THE STATEOF THAT BATTLE, I--

I GOT HIM THE BOX SETOF MATLOCK, AND...

BUT IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.

WHAT THE [bleep]IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO?

GO, "I GOT YOU!"

IT'S JUST A BLACK THINGIN HIS BOWEL.

AND THE REASONI DON'T LIKE IT IS

'CAUSE IN THE OLD DAYS,THEY'D GO, "HEY!

THAT OLD MAN DIED."

NOW THEY GO, "HEY!

HE--HE LOST HIS BATTLE."

THAT'S NO WAYTO END YOUR LIFE.

YOU KNOW, "WHAT A LOSERTHAT GUY WAS.

LAST THING HE DIDWAS LOSE."

"HE WAS WAGINGA BRAVE BATTLE,

"BUT AT THE END,

"I GUESS HE GOT KIND OF COWARDLYWAS WHAT HAPPENED.

"AND THEN, THE BOWEL CANCER,IT GOT BRAVE.

"YOU GOTTA GIVE ITTO THE BOWEL CANCER.

YOU KNOW, THEY WEREIN A BATTLE, AND THEN--"

WHAT THE [bleep]?

AND I'M PRETTY SURE--I'M NOT A DOCTOR,

BUT I'M PRETTY SUREIF THE CANCER DIES--

I MEAN, IF YOU DIE,THE CANCER ALSO DIES

AT EXACTLYTHE SAME TIME.

SO THAT, TO ME,IS NOT A LOSS.

THAT'S A DRAW.

THAT'S A--YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S NOT LIKE [bleep]

THE CANCER'S GONNA JUMP UPAND GO,

"AAH, I'M [bleep]UNCLE BURT'S WIFE.

"WHERE IS HE?

"I WON FAIR AND SQUARE.

HEY, I DID WANTTO SAY ONE THING

ABOUT MY BUDDY RICHIE,WHO HAS A DISEASE.

AND, UH, BUT IT'S--

IT'S AN INTERESTING DISEASEHE HAS.

HE HAS THE DISEASEOF ALCOHOLISM.

ALCOHOLISM.

AND, UH, HE CAME TO ME,YOU KNOW,

AND HE TOLD ME, AND, UH,I LIKE TO LOOK--

I'M THE KIND OF GUYTHAT LIKES TO LOOK

AT THE BRIGHT SIDEOF THINGS, YOU KNOW?

SO I TOLD HIM, I SAID,"RICHIE, IT'S TRUE

"THAT YOU HAVE A DISEASEAND EVERYTHING.

BUT...I THINK YOU GOTTHE BEST ONE."

[laughterand scattered applause]

IT'S THE ONLY DISEASEWHERE YOU

GET TO DRINK BOOZEALL THE TIME.

I--I HAVEN'T LOOKEDAT EVERY MEDICAL JOURNAL,

BUT I BELIEVE...

IT'S THE ONLY DISEASE WHEREYOU CAN CONSTANTLY DRINK BOOZE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,THAT IS THE DISEASE.

YOU KNOW, AND I DON'TTHINK RICHIE

WOULD THINK IF HE HAD A--

LIKE, I DON'T THINK RICHIEWOULD GO TO MY UNCLE BERT

AND GO, "HEY, I UNDERSTANDYOU GOT BOWEL CANCER.

"YEAH, MAN,I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

"I GOTTA...DRINK A LOT OF BOOZE.

"THOSE DISEASES...

"THEY'RE TOUGH, THOSE DISEASES,HUH, UNCLE BERT?

HEY, WHAT'S YOUR SYMPTOMS,UNCLE BERT?"

"WELL, MY BOWEL, I GOT BLOODPOURING OUT OF IT ALL THE TIME.

"I GOT BOWEL BLOOD POURIN' OUT,GUSHIN' OUT OF MY BOWEL,

"ALMOST NONSTOP.

"AND, UH, I GOT SEARING,CLAWING PAINS,

"RIPPING, TEARING, YOU KNOW.

"UH...MIND-SCREECHING...BOWEL PAINS.

"AND, UH, THEY'RE COMBINEDWITH ACHING, DULL,

SOUL-DEADENING BOWEL PAIN."

"THOSE ARE BASICALLY MYSYMPTOMS; HOW ABOUT YOU?"

"I GET HAPPY."

"AND, UH, YOU KNOW.

"I TEND TO BE ABLE TO TALKTO PEOPLE EASIER, I FIND."

"SOMETIMES, I WILLMEET A LADY AT A BAR,

"GOT THE SAME DISEASEAS I DO.

"AND I'LL FUCK HER.

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