CC Presents: Dov Davidoff

  • Season 11, Ep 5
  • 01/25/2007

WHERE SHOULD WE START? THIS A BIG CEILING.

- I FEEL LIKE--- [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW. I--

LOOK, THIS GIRL I'M SEEING HAS ISSUES WITH YEAST.

- WAIT, NO-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO, THE POINT IS-- I DON'T KNOW. I FEEL DISCONNECTED.

I LOVE PEOPLE, BUT THEY'RE FREAKIN' ME OUT LATELY.

I FEEL LIKE-- WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR? JOHN?

YOU EVER FEEL LIKETHESE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING,

AND I'M GONNA MOVE AWAY, FAR. IT ALL STARTED THREE WEEKS AGO.

THESE THINGS HAPPEN IN SUCCESSION.

AND I GOT A PHONE CALL FROM THIS WOMAN.

AND IT ITSELF WAS NOTHIN'.

BUT IT JUST STARTED A WHOLE-- SHE GOES, "IS VANESSA THERE?"

AND I SAID, "NAH, I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER."

AND SHE GOES, "ARE YOU SURE?" I WAS LIKE, "YOU RIGHT, THIS IS VANESSA."

AND THEN RIGHT AFTERWARDI WALK INTO A STARBUCKS.

AND THE GUY GOT MY ORDER WRONG, WHICH IS FINE,

BUT HE HAD THIS ATTITUDE. AND I SAID,

"THAT'S THE WRONG DRINK." AND HE SAID,

"SORRY, DUDE, I'M TIRED."AND I WAS LIKE,

"HAVE A FRIGGIN' COFFEE, MAN. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE."

AND THEN THIS IS WHAT DID IT. I WALK OUTSIDE AND SOMEBODY HAD

VANDALIZED MY BICYCLE. THEY CUT MY BICYCLE SEAT.

WHO THE HELL CUTS A BICYCLE SEAT?

YOU REALIZE WHAT LEVEL OF MISERY YOU HAVE TO BE EXPERIENCING

TO SEE MY 10-SPEED TIEDTO A POLE AND THEN JUST BE LIKE,

"LOOK AT THIS RICH BASTARD RIGHT HERE, THIS MOTHER..."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T CUT A MAN'S BICYCLE SEAT,

LIKE I CONTROL THE BANKSBECAUSE I OWN A HUFFY.

YOU'RE GONNA CUT BICYCLE SEAT? IT'S TERRIBLE.

I'VE BEEN SPENDING A LOT OF TIME IN L.A.,

WHICH IS-- JUST FOR WORK.AND I FEEL LOST.

I WAS SITTING IN A COFFEE SHOPAND THIS WOMAN WALKS IN--

WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN? JOHN.THE GIRL WALKS IN AND--

YOU GUYS WANNA BUY SOME WEED?

THE GIR-- NO THE WOMANWALKS IN AND-- [SIGH]--

SHE HAD THE BIGGEST FAKE TITTIES I'VE EVER SEEN. JOHN, THEY WERE THIS BIG,

WITH A HALF TOP AND STUFF WRITTEN THE SHIRT.

AND I COULDN'T HELP BUT LOOK AT 'EM.

AND SHE GOT MAD AT ME. THE WOMAN LITERALLY SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH-- "HEY, IF I STUFF A BALLOON IN MY PANTS AND PAINT

THE BULL'S-EYE ON IT, YOU MIGHT TAKE A SECOND [BLEEP] "PEEK-A-BOO, LUNATIC.

"I'M LOOKIN' AT YOU, BIG TITTIES.

"WHAT ELSE WOULDI BE LOOKING AT?

"YOU GOT CAR UNDER YOUR SHIRT, I'M LOOKING AT YOU. I SAID,

"WHY WOULD YOU GET THEM THAT BIG IF YOU'RE SO SENSITIVE?"

AND SHE GOES, "I DID IT FOR ME."

I WAS LIKE "YOU BUY AN ORTHOPEDIC PILLOW FOR YOU."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DID IT FOR YOU?

I GOT MY BALLS ENLARGED. THEY'RE 12 1/2 POUNDS EACH NOW,

BUT I DIDN'T DO IT FOR ANYBODY ELSE.

IT WAS ALL ME. I LIKE HEAVY NUTS.

I LIKE 'EM TO SWING LIKE A LUNCH BAG WITH, DAH-DAH!

AND THEN PEOPLE JUST DO WACKY STUFF

FOR THE SAKE OF DOING WACKY STUFF.

I WAS STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK OUTSIDE A CLUB, JOHN,

AND THIS DUDE WALKS UP TO ME WEARING A CAPE. AND THEN HE JUST SAID--

"HEY MAN, YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?" AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL--

YOU'RE JUST GONNA ASK ME THATLIKE YOU'RE NOT WEARING A CAPE?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"IT'S TIME TO TAKE OFF THAT DUMB ASS CAPE, MAN."

NO, LOOK, THE POINT IS-- [BLEEP] NO.

- [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]- YES SIR. THE UM--

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S SO STRANGE DEALING WITH PEOPLE.

I NEVER GET USED TO IT.

YOU KNOW GUYS ARE STRANGE WITH ONE ANOTHER.

LIKE WE'RE ALL COOL HERE'CAUSE WE'RE IN A ROOM.

BUT YOU GET OUT INTO THE WORLD,AND IT'S STRANGE THE WAY

WE RELATE TO ONE ANOTHER. GUYS ARE ONLY NICETO EACH OTHER IN PUBLIC

WHEN IT'S SOMETHIN' IN COMMON, LIKE SPORTS OR SEX.

LIKE GUYS WILL SAY THINGS THAT STILL CATCH ME OFF GUARD.

I WAS AT A BUS STOP AND THE DUDE TURNED TO ME.

THIS GIRL WALKS BY, A NICE LOOKING GIRL, JOHN.

AND THE DUDE TURNED TO ME AND HE GOES "MAN, YOU SEE THAT?

I WOULD TAKE HER HOME AND DO THINGS TO HER THAT IF SHE HAD PARENTS--

SHE WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO LOOK AT THEM IN THE EYE AGAIN."

AND I WAS LIKE "THAT'S COOL." I HOPE THIS BUS GETS HERE SOON.

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA TALK ABOUT NOW, THE WEATHER?

WE PRETTY MUCH TAKEN THIS FRIENDSHIP AS FAR AS IT'LL GO,

YOU SERIAL KILLER.GUYS DO STRANGE STUFF LIKE THAT!

I WAS IN THE PHARMACY. THEY HAVE TWO PLY CONDOMS NOW.

FOR REAL, TWO PLY. IT THAT'S A REFLECTION

OF THE TIME AND SPACE WE LIVE IN ON THIS PLANT.

THE GUY TURNS TO ME IN THE AISLE, HE GOES,

"HEY, YOU THINK I SHOULD GO FORTHE TWO PLY OR THE REGULAR?"

I'M LIKE, "MAN,IF YOU'RE EVEN THINKING TWO PLY

MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T [BLEEP] HER."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I WAS LIKE,"WHY NOT GET THE CONDOM

THAT COMES WITH THE PENICILLIN AND THE SYRINGE, YOU LUNATIC?

YEAH. THAT ALONE IS KINDA HUMOROUS.

I WAS IN THE PARK AND THIS WOMAN IS SITTING ON THE BENCH.

AND SHE HAS HER LEGS OPEN A LITTLE BIT.

AND MY DOG JUST MADE A BEELINE, JUST RIGHT IN BETWEEN 'EM.

AND THEN SHE GOES, "HEH, HEH."

SHE GOES,

- "HE SMELLS MY DOG."- [LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT, JOHNNY?

"HE SMELLS MY DOG." ALL RIGHT.

WHAT-- HE DIDN'T START AT YOUR ANKLE, THOUGH.

HE JUST-- [NOISE]. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING WITH--

BUT THE POINT IS-- YOU KNOW, I JUST MOVED INTO A NEW APT--

LATINO PEOPLE HERE? OH, MY LATINOS.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I MET MY NEIGHBOR FOR THE FIRST TIME, SWEET GUY. HE HELPED ME MOVE IN.

PUERTO RICAN GUY. HIS NAME IS ISRAEL.

I DID NOT KNOW YOU COULD NAME A PUERTO RICAN ISRAEL.

'CAUSE YOU'RE PRETTY SURE YOU NEVER MEET A JEW

BY THE NAME OF PUERTO RICO. SAY HELLO TO MY SON,

"PUERTO RICO FEINSTEIN.SAY HI-- SAY HI, PUERTO RICO."

MY GIRLFRIEND'S GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME BECAUSE HER DOG

LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF MY GENITALS ONE TIME.

GET A SENSE A HUMOR, RIGHT? YO FLUFFY'S WAGGIN' HIS TAIL.

I'M CLEAN. WHO'S GETTIN' HURT IN THIS SCENARIO?

NO, THE POINT-- THAT'S A GOOD PICTURE.

I GREW UPIN A JUNKYARD, FOR REAL.

BUT THE POINT IS--HEY, YOU EVER DROP ACID?

20 MINUTES LATER YOU'RE DOING COMEDY AND-- EH-HEH...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AH-HAH! ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.I DON'T GET HIGH ANYMORE MYSELF.

LET ME JUST START OUT BY SAYING THAT.

I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE IT-- LOOK THE POINT IS-- LIKE,

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO HIGH WHEN YOU'RE EATING CEREAL NAKED

AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS LIKE, "PUT SOME CLOTHES ON,"

AND YOU REALIZEIT'S NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND

- IT'S JUST A WOMAN ON A BUS. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE POINT IS FAMILY IS DIFFICULT, JOHNNY.

MY FATHER SMOKED WEED IN THE BATHROOM WHEN I WAS A KID.

AND THERE WAS SMOKE POURING OUT UNDER THE DOOR. AND I WAS 12 YEARS OLD.

I WOULD KNOCK AT THE DOOR. I'D BE LIKE, "ARE YOU OKAY?"

AND HE WAS SO HIGH HE COULDN'T RESPOND

WITH ANYTHING THAT HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE QUESTION.

YOU LITERALLY HEARD HIMIN THERE GO, "[INHALES]

- I'M IN THE GARAGE!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A GAME OF PICTIONARY. YOU EVER PLAY PICTIONARY?--

JOHNNY, THIS GUYDRAWS A DUCK IN A LAKE.

IT WAS A DUCK. HE YELLS AT ME FOR TEN MINUTES 'CAUSE I DIDN'T GUESS

CHICKEN SOUP. AND THEN THE WHOLE FAMILY'S ANGRY WITH ME

BECAUSE APPARENTLY I OUTED MY COUSIN DURING AN ARGUMENT

OVER A TURKEY LEG. 'CAUSEHE GOES, "YOU HAD THE LAST LEG."

AND I WAS LIKE "YOU'RE GAY."

NAH, NAH, BUT JUST 'CAUSE EVERY YEAR--

BUT I HANG OUT WITH--WE'RE VERY CLOSE, ME AND BILLY.

EVERYBODY'S ACCEPTED AND WE LOVE 'EM.

IT'S JUST EVERY YEAR MY AUNT FRANASKS THE SAME QUESTION,

AND I JUST HAD ENOUGH OF IT. LIKE, EVERY YEAR SHE SAID,

"BILLY, HAVE YOU MET ANY NICE GIRLS YOU'RE DATING?"

AND I WAS LIKE "BILLY'S WEARING CAPRI PANTS, MAN."

HE'S NOT EVEN A LITTLE GAY. HE'S NOT ON THE FENCE.

- HE'S LIKE [NA-NEH]. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S GAY-GAY. I LOVE THE GAY MAN.

I'VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD PEOPLETHAT DON'T LIKE GAY PEOPLE.

I'VE NEVER UNDERSTAND THAT. YOU KNOW THE WHOLE--

IT'S LIKE-- THAT'S HOW THE GUY PREVENTING YOU FROM GETTING LAID--

I MEAN-- THINK ABOUT IT. IF YOU WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP

WITH WHOEVER YOU'REIN A RELATIONSHIP WITH,

I WISH EVERY OTHER GUY WERE GAY. THINK ABOUT THE LEVERAGE

THAT WOULD CREATE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT.

YOU COULD BE LIKE NOT EVEN MAKING EYE CONTACT,

WITH ONE FOOT UP ON THE COUCH, WITH YOUR SHOE ON.

AND YOU COULD JUST BE LIKE, "MAKE ME A SANDWICH."

AND SHE'LL BE LIKE, "WHAT-- WHO-- WHAT?"

AND YOU'D BE LIKE, "AH-- WHERE ARE YOU GONNA GO?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WANT THIS CLEANED UP AROUND HERE AS WELL."

IT'S THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN. I LOVE THE GAY MAN.

THE POINT OF THE WHOLE SHOW IS--THIS IS GOOD--

WHY DO GAY GUYS ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THEY JUST SMELLED COOKIES?

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- HOOO!

WHAT IS THAT LOOK, JOHN, THAT-- [SNIFFS]-- AH-HAA?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DID SOMEBODY MAKE-- AH-HAH?

- NO, YOU'RE GAY! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE PRESIDENT IS HIGH.

I MEAN I'M NOT MAKING A POLITICAL STATEMENT.

I'M NOT SAYING LEFT OR RIGHT.

I'M JUST SAYINGTHE GUY IS HIGH.

YOU KNOW, LIKE WE HAVE AN $8 TRILLION NATIONAL DEBT.

I DON'T EVEN THINK HE BELIEVES THAT'S A REAL NUMBER, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW THAT WINK HE HAS THAT ALWAYS--

YOU KNOW SOMEBODY SAID SOMETHIN'.

SOMEBODY WAS LIKE,"MR. PRESIDENT, WE HAVEAN $8 TRILLION DEBT."

AND HE IS LIKE, "UH-- [CHUCKLES] YOU KNOW.

"8 TRILLION BILLION BAZILLION. AND CALL ME SHERIFF, BOY.

I TOLD YOU, CALL ME SHERIFF."

HE'S DIRECT, THOUGH.THE MAN SAYS WHAT'S ON HIS MIND.

I SAW HIM IN AN INTERVIEW AND A JOURNALIST SAID,

"MR. PRESIDENT, ANTI-AMERICAN SENTIMENT IS UP 900 PERCENT."

AND HE IS LIKE, "I GOT GUNS, BITCH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW-- THAT'S A-- SHERIFF. "I'M THE SHER-IFF!"

[INHALES] "SHER--!"

I DON'T KNOW. OUR MILITARY IS RUNNING THIN.

THINGS ARE-- HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW COMMER--

AND I WOULD NEVER KNOCK THE MILITARY.

BUT THE COMMERCIAL TO GET YOU TO JOIN IS INSANE.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW COMMERCIAL TO GET YOU TO JOIN THE MILITARY?

THERE'S TWO AMERICAN SNIPERS ON A HILL-- JOHNNY--

AND THEY'RE LOOKING AT THESE TERRORIST AND THE VOICE-OVER SAYS--

"YOU HAD ENOUGH SUPPLIES FOR FIVE DAYS. IT'S DAY 12. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES?"

AND I WAS LIKE-- "NAH. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MAN?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. WHY NOT JUST SAY WHAT IT IS.

YOU KNOW YOU'RETIRED AND UNCOMFORTABLE.YOU GOT THE RUNS.

THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER.YOU'RE BEING SHOT AT.

BACK HOME YOUR GIRL, SHE MAY BE BANGIN' OTHER GUYS.

YOU WANT IN? YEAH! SIGN ME UP, MAN. I'M ON MY WAY.

LUNATICS. EVERYBODY'S CRAZY.

THE PRIEST WON'T STOP BANGIN' THE KIDS.

[LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

"OH" WHAT? OOH.

THAT'S GOING ON?WE GOTTA FACE UP TO IT.

BUT YOU KNOW YOU START THINKING ABOUT THIS.

LIKE FIRST IT WAS THE PRIESTS. AND THEN THEY HAD THE THING

WITH THE BOY SCOUTS.AND THEN IT WAS MICHAEL.AND NOW IT'S THE PRIEST.

IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY TIME ADULTS--

THEY'RE REALLY HANGING OUT WITH THESE BOYS,

IF THIS STUFF IS SO PREVALENT, MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP POINTING

THE FINGER AT THE ADULTS, START LOOKING AT THESE SEXY-ASS BOYS.

THE ATHLETES ARE TALKING TO GOD.GOD'S HELPING THE ATHLETE.

YOU ALWAYS HEAR THESE GUYS, "GOD'S ON OUR SIDE."

YEAH, THEN WHAT ARE YOURUNNING AROUND FOR?

IF GOD WAS ON MY SIDE, I'D SHOW UP JUST LIKE THIS,

AND THE COACH WOULD BE, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

I'D BE LIKE, "YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE WHO'S ON OUR SIDE.

HAVE A CHICKEN WING, BOSS.WE GOT THIS ONE."

AND WHY'S GODALWAYS GOT SUCH CRAZY--

LIKE EVERYBODY ASSOCIATED MOST CLOSELY WITH GOD

IS ALWAYS DOING SOMETHIN' WILD. LIKE THE FUNDAMENTALISTS

ARE TALKING TO GOD, THEY'RE BLOWING THEMSELVES UP.

THE GUY WHO KIDNAPPEDTHE ELIZABETH SMART KID

SAID GOD TOLD HIM HE NEEDED HIS SECOND WIFE.

SON OF SAM SAID GOD WAS TALKING TO HIM THROUGH

HIS NEIGHBOR'S DOGSO HE HAD TO KILL PEOP--

WHY DOES GOD ALWAYS GOT SOME WACKY [BLEEP] TO SAY?

YOU KNOW, WHEN'S THE LAST TIMEYOU HEARD SOMEBODY SAY, "LOOK,

"GOD TOLD ME TO GET A MUFFIN AND A CUP OF TEA

AND COOL OUT, MAN." GOD SAID, "DON'T STAB EVERYBODY."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- MY GIRLFRIEND LEFT ME RECENTLY. AND-- - Audience: AW!

NO, NO, I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE FOR LIKE A WEEK AND A HALF.

I'M DATING AGAIN--IT'S NOT REALLY DATING--

I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEYSO WE JUST WALK AROUND.

SHE'LL ALWAYS SAY THINGS LIKE,"WHERE ARE WE GOING?" YOU KNOW.

AND I'M LIKE-- "FURTHER.

I TOLD YOU TO EAT BEFORE YOU COME OUT WITH ME."

IT'S HARD TO MEET NICE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW? AND THEN, WHEN I WAS

AT MY MOST VULNERABLE POINT, THIS TERRIBLE THING HAPPENED.

I GOT A REJECTION HOTLINE NUMBER FROM A GIRL.

YOU GUYS KNOW THE REJECTION HOTLINE?

- [LAUGHTER] - THIS IS CRUEL, MAN!

YOU-- YOU CALL. THE-- THE-- HE-HEH!

I WAS SMILING, AND THE GIRL WAS SMILING,

AND SHE GAVE ME HER NUMBER. AND TOOK IT DOWN.

I GOT HOME AND I WAS SO LONELY. AND-- AND I WAS LIKE...

AND THEN IT JUST SAID, "YOU HAVE BEEN REJECTED." AND I WAS LIKE WAH-OH.

YOU KNOW, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY FUNNY. I DID.

BUT MY FRIEND KNEW THE GIRL. HE KNEW WHERE SHE LIVED.

SO I DECIDED TO PLAY A LITTLE JOKEY JOKE ON HER.

I SHOWED UP AT HER HOUSE. AND THEN I RANG HER BUZZER.

AND THEN I HID BEHIND THE TREE OUTSIDE.

AND SHE CAME OUT AND SHE WAS LOOKING AROUND.

- AND I KILLED HER. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WE LAUGHED AND LAUGHED. FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY.

NO. BUT YOU KNOW, LOOK, A MAN COULD FANTASIZE.

THAT WAS CRUEL! I JUST WANNA MEET A NICE GIRL!

I WANNA MEET A GIRL WHO CAN MAKE THINGS, YOU KNOW?

LIKE-- KNITTING OR-- A FOOD, NOT IN A MISOGYNISTIC WAY.

I JUST MEAN MAKE SOMETHIN'WITH YOUR HAND. NICE PEOPLE MAKE THINGS.

YOU EVER BEEN OUT WITH A STRIPPER, AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"NO, I DON'T WANT ANYMORE COKE, BUT IF YOU GOT SOME YARN,

I'LL KNIT YOU UP A MITTEN." NICE PEOPLE MAKE THINGS.

BUT FINALLY I MET THIS GIRL. AND LOVE-- OH GOD.

I THOUGHT I WAS IN LOVE. SHE WAS A PH.D. IN LITERATURE.

AND I WAS THROWN OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL, YOU KNOW,

AND I THOUGHT MAYBE I COULD LEARN SOMETHIN' FROM HER. BUT INSTEAD,

IT TURNED OUT SHE WAS JUST REALLY CONDESCENDING.

BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE IT FOR A WHILE 'CAUSE I WAS IN LOVE.

AND I GO TO PICK HER UPAND IT HIT ME ONE DAY.

SHE CAME TO THE CAR, BUT SHE WAS A HALF-HOUR LATE. SHE WAS ALWAYS LATE.

AND I SAID, "WOMAN, YOU'RE A HALF HOUR LATE."

AND SHE GOES-- SHE WOULD USE QUOTES ON ME FROM AUTHORS

THAT HAVE BEEN DEAD FOR 200 YEARS--

SHE TURNED TO ME AND GOES, "TIME AND SPACE ARE PERCEPTIBLE

ONLY TO THE HUMAN HEART.JAMES JOYCE, 1888."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN I SAID, "GET THE HELL OUT.

IKE TURNER, 1967." NOW HOOF IT, WISE ASS!

- DON'T CONDESCEND ME.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NO, THE WHOLE THING IS, THIS IS WHY I JUDGE PEOPLE!

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO JUDGE PEOPLE.

IT'S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.

I DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE BASED ON SKIN COLOR.

BUT BASED ON DEMEANOR AND THE WAY THEY CONDUCT--

JUST THE PERSON-- IF YOU'VE EVER LIVED IN AN AREA WHERE,

IN ORDER TO KEEP YOURSELF SAFE, YOU NEED TO MAKE A JUDGMENT,

IT'S LIKE, I WAS HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIEND.

HE'S A VEGAN FROM BEVERLY HILLS. HE'S ABOVE THAT.

HE DOESN'T JUDGE PEOPLE. AND WE WERE STANDING NEXT TO

THIS GUY WITH A BANDANNA A TATTOO TEAR DROP AND A KNIFE.

AND I SAID TO MY FRIEND, "I DON'T WANNA HANG OUT HERE."

MY FRIEND WAS OFFENDED. HE SAID, "DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE."

I SAID, "THE DUDE'S GOT A KNIFE." HE SAID, "HE COULD BE A CHEF."

"YOU VEGAN IDIOT. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GO WITH ON THIS MURDERER?

YOU'RE GONNA ASSUME HE'S A CHEF?" THIS GOES FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, EVEN DATING.

IT'S LIKE-- YOU CAN'T ASSUME THE BEST ABOUT PEOPLE, JOHNNY.

IF I GET A GIRL HOME AND SHE TAKES HER PANTS OFF

AND IT LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS HERPES,

I CAN'T AFFORD TO ASSUMESHE GOT STUNG BY A PACK OF BEES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE ALL CRAZY, MAN!

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