John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show
Season 4

Joe Mande, Jamie Lee, W. Kamau Bell

  • Season 4, Ep 8
  • 09/13/2013

Joe Mande has an odd encounter in a New York bodega, and Jamie Lee doesn't enjoy being approached by overconfident guys at bars.

for the first time.

And it's a beautifulcountry.

Amazing beaches,fantastic weather,

koalas.

Everything you needin a land.

The only problem is that,as a British person,

you are forced to confrontthe idiocy of your ancestors.

Because you might notbe aware,

but Australia was a Britishprison colony.

It's where we sentour criminals.

Think through the logicof what I'm telling you.

We sent our criminalsto somewhere

that was nicerthan where we lived.

When clearly what we should havedone is built huge fences

around Britain and said,"You all stay here.

We're leaving."

Just imagine how confused thatfirst convict must have been

as he stepped offthat prison ship

onto the beautifulsandy beach,

looked up at the glorioussunshine,

saw a [BLEEP] koala,

and thought,"This must be a joke.

We are all going to getshot in the head right now."

Right?

Because if this is real,

no one is this[BLEEP] stupid.

As a criminal, I've just learnedthe opposite of my lesson.

I will say thisabout Australia.

It is the most comfortablyracist country

I've ever been to.

Not the most racist,New York. Relax.

Not that.

Not the most racist country,

just the most comfortablein their racism.

They've really settledinto their bigotry

like an old,suspicious slipper.

Because everywhere I wentin Australia

I started to hearthe same thing.

Just people saying,

"You know what we got a problemwith here, John?

"Bloody lebbos.

"Bloody lebbos everywherehere, John.

"Coming over here,these lebbos.

"Bringing their lebbo familiesover here.

"We got a huge lebbo problem,John.

"Lebbos here, lebbos there,

we got lebboseverywhere."

And eventually I had to say,"I'm going to have to stop you.

"At the risk of seeminglike a fool,

what is a lebbo?"

And they said,"Are you kidding me?

Bloody Lebanese."

Who the [BLEEP] has a problemwith Lebanese people?

That is almostimpressively specific.

That's like saying,You know who I can't stand?

Sri Lankans.

Malaysians,lovely people.

Bangladeshis, the best.

Sri Lankans, [BLEEP] them.They know what they've done.

That is so specific.

I don't actually thinkit's racism anymore.

It's just a flawedargument.

Also, how manyLebanese people

can there be in Australia

to necessitate there beinga perceived problem?

There are only 4 millionLebanese people

in [BLEEP] Lebanon.

New York,it's great to be here.

It's lovely to standin front of a neon swastika.

That's pretty cool.

Very comforting.

Uh, it is greatto be back.

I used to live in New Yorkfor years.

And, uh, I had to moveto L.A. last year.

And I-- I miss New Yorkvery much.

Uh, I was thinkingabout it recently

and I realizedthe thing I miss most

about livingin New York City

are the bodegas.

A lot of people don't knowwhat bodegas are.

Oh, well, they're onevery corner in New York City.

Uh, they're a lot likea convenience store,

like a 24-hour 7/11,

but, uh, much smallerand filthy.

Filthy.

And all they sellare, like, plantains...

Jesus candles.You know?

You know,the essentials.

But they are convenient.They're open all night.

One time I went intomy neighborhood bodega

It was, like,3:00 in the morning.

I was very drunk or high,it doesn't matter.

All you need to knowis if my mom saw me,

she would be very sadand disappointed in me.

It's 3:00 in the morning.Very drunk and high.

Walked over, grabbed a bagof Goya-brand potato chips,

or whatever they sell there.

And I start walkingtowards the cash register.

I made, like, three steps,

and then out of nowhere,uh, I suddenly heard

the worst noiseI'd ever heard in my life.

It was just this awfulhigh-pitch screeching sound.

I thought it was, like,an alarm or something.

And I startedlooking around

to see if I could turnthe alarm off.

And eventuallyI glanced down,

and that's when I noticed

I was standingon a cat.

Right?

So I lift my leg up,the cat ran away,

and I was like,"I'm sorry, bodega cat."

Then, uh, you know,I started looking around

to see if anyone heard the noiseover the reggae tone blasting

on the radio.

Then I look at the counter,

and the store owneris glaring at me.

He saw the whole thing,and he was furious.

As he should be.

I was standing on his catfor so long.

Like...

I was like, Señor, question.Ooh, pregunta.

Una. Una pregunta.

Um, por qué gato...

man?

Why the [BLEEP] do you havea gato running around...

your trabajo?

But I live in L.A. now.

I was in a parking lot

in Glendale, California,last weekend.

You know,just hanging out.

And this old womancame up to me

holding one of those, uh,disposable cameras.

And she was like,"Excuse me, sir?

Can you tell me where I can getthis film developed?"

And I was like,"I don't know. The past?"

That, like, if you met a person20 years ago

who developedtheir photographs

the way people maintainan Instagram account today,

like, that person would goto a mental hospital.

You know, like,if you met a girl in 1993

and she brought you backto her place,

and she was like,Can I show you some photographs?

And you're like,Uh, yeah, sure. Go nuts.

And she was like, Okay.

And she pulls up, like,15 photo albums.

Lines them up on a table.

And she's just like,Okay, here we go.

That's my face. That's my face.That's my face. That's my face.

That's my face. That's my face.That's my face.

That's my face. That's my face.That's my face. That's my face.

That's my face. That's my face.That's my face.

That's my face. That's my-- Ooh.That's my cat. That's my cat.

That's my cat. That's my cat.That's my cat. That's my cat.

That's my cat. That's my cat.That's my cat.

That's my cat.That's my brunch.

Brunch. Brunch. Brunch. Brunch.Brunch. Brunch. Brunch.

Brunch. Brunch. Face. Face.Face. Face. Face. Face. Face.

Cat. Cat. Cat. Cat.Nails. Nails. Nails. Nails.

Yeah.

Exactly. Exactly.

You'd be like,

Cool, nice meeting you.

And then you'd go runand page 911,

or whatever people did20 years ago.

Anybody? Okay, okay.

I mean, I-- I don't meanto judge you guys

but, uh, I only drinkwhen it's a special occasion.

You know, like whenit's someone's birthday

on Facebook.

But, um...

Thanks. I keep itvery classy.

I really am likea huge lightweight.

Like, I can't drink a lot.I cannot.

Because, like,if I have one drink,

I swear I'll just do somethingsuper klutzy,

like stub my toe.

The camel one.

And, uh, it's just notworth the risk, you know?

But I feel likeat every bar

there's always, like,that one overconfident guy

who has to, like,swoop in and try to talk to you.

He's always, like,70 years old.

And he has, like, one of those,like, long, cascading, gray,

sex commune ponytails.

And, like, a bolo tieand a lazy eye.

And he's like, "Oh, hey,little lady. What's your sign?"

And you're like, "Yield."

And, uh...

He just keeps going.

He's like,"Oh, cool. I'm a cancer."

I'm like, I know.

Everyone knowsyou are a cancer.

You are a social melanoma.

Go away.

congresswomanwho was shot.

That was horrible.

But there was a good partof that we didn't focus on

as a country long enough.

The first personwho was key in saving her life

was a dude namedDaniel Hernandez, Jr.

That dude was the key personin saving her life.

Daniel Hernandez, Jr.is a gay Latino.

And for two weeks,Americans all over the country

had to be happy about that,

even though America hatesgays and Latinos.

Do you understand? But they hadto be happy about it,

because he saveda white woman.

As we know, that's America'smost precious resource.

You know what I'm saying?

So for two weeksAmerica was like, Yeah!

A gay Latinosaved a white lady.

Yay.

That's so great.

A gay Latinosaved a white lady.

As soon as I heard thatI was like,

Please be a Muslim.Please be a Muslim. Please.

Yay, a gay Latino Muslimsaved a white lady.

Yay! What's that?Supports ObamaCare?

Yay!

Oh, God, it's so good.

Wait, he believesin evolution. Yay!

Likes algebra.How white was that lady?

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