April 20, 2016 - Sturgill Simpson

  • 04/20/2016

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump win the New York primaries, The Best F#@king News Team relives the 90s, and Sturgill Simpson performs songs from "A Sailor's Guide to Earth."

we're gonna get tolast night's election news

in just a minute, but first,I'm sure you all saw this.

Breaking news: in the pastfew minutes we have learned

abolitionist Harriet Tubmanwill replace Andrew Jackson

on the face of the $20 bill.


-(whoops)-(cheering, applause)

That is so amazing. Wow.

Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill.

What a momentous occasion--

an abolitionist womanwho honored...

who is honored among the greats.Can you can imagine that?

And I... and I know...I know the treasury department

says that this isn't going to gointo effect until the year 2030,

but it's fine. It's fine.

Because when it does happen,it's gonna be epic.

I can tell you now,for at least a year,

every black person in Americais only gonna use $20 bills.

Only. Only. Nothing else.

There's people walking aroundlike, "Hey, man, you got change

for a 20?""Only if you got another 20."

That's all that's gonna happen.And it doesn't matter

what it is,black people are buy...

They're gonna use 20sfor everything.

"Hey, how much for that house?""$400,000."

"Cool. 20, 40, 60, 80..."

So, I'm celebrating.I'm loving this. Uh...

But I... but I'm notcelebrating too hard yet,

uh, because I've learnedto be cautious

when Americamakes promises about race.

You see, uh, I love this...I love this bill,

uh, but this is a fake onethat someone put online.

We don't actually knowwhich picture of Harriet Tubman

the treasury departmentis actually going to use.

And I wouldn'tput it past them to find

the most light-skinnedphoto they can.

I wouldn't be shocked if theywere like, "Harriet Tubman

"is a beautiful black woman,but wouldn't it be great

"if we cast her as Halle Berry?

Huh? Huh? Huh?Think about it."

All right, let's get tothe, uh, presidential race.

Yesterday wasthe New York primary,

and for the Democratsit was no contest.

Hillary Clintonbeat Bernie Sanders bad.

And Bernie knewit wasn't just because

fewer people voted for him.

In New York statetoday about 27%

of the eligible votersin that state

are unable to participate.

Tens of thousands of people,as I understand it,

have been purgedfrom the voting rolls.

It's a little bit crazythat in upstate New York

they opened the pollsat 12:00 noon.

Know what many peoplelove about Bernie sanders?

His blunt honesty. Yeah.

He speaks his mind.

Although, you have to admit,sometimes

he comes off a little paranoid.

Just... just in moments,he sounds like

a senior citizen who doesn'ttrust his Jamaican nurse.

He just..."She's laughing at me.

"She thinks I don't know,but she's stealing

"my goddamn Snickers.

Something's going on."

And... and I will say this:

Bernie Sanders is rightabout some things.

Voters shouldn't be purgedwithout reason or warning

and polls shouldn't openwhen people are already at work.

Uh, but everyoneis playing in the same system

and the rulesapply to everybody.

And Hillary--say what you want about her--

she played the rules right.

Last night was all about her.

She won her adopted home state,took New York City,

she even got a little swagcoming out to her victory speech


JAY Z: ♪ Hey, uh-huh

KEYS: ♪ Concrete junglewhere dreams are... ♪

Damn, Hillary.

-Damn.-(cheering, applause)

It's been a long timesince we've seen

the winning side of Hillary.See that?

She's got... she's gotthe swag of a producer

who just created her next hit.Look at that.

She's got that thing.

That's the same move she madewhen she was vindicated

in the Benghazi hearing.Just like, "Yeah."

And just like a producer,

Hillary didn't forgetto give her shout-outs.

Mikey spent six months in Rikers

for a low-level drug offense,

and he found outhow hard it is for people

who've done their timeto find jobs when they get out.

Mikey managed to starthis own ice cream shop.

I highly recommend it,as you might have seen.

I couldn't stop myselffrom eating it.

W... Wait, wait.

So, a guy with low-leveldrug offenses

gave Hillaryan ice cream he concocted?

And she couldn't stop eating it?

Just-just me, just me,her eating it?

Just like, "Mmm, what is this,banana spliff?"

on the Republican side,

the choice was betweenthree candidates.

And yesterday voters lined uplike a kid at a popsicle stand

and said,"We'll take the orange one."

Yes, people, Donald trumpcrushed it.

And it was probably the bestnight of his life

that didn't involve a swimsuitcompetition, you know?

He won by a landslidein his home state

and he was surroundedby all of his children...

No, no, no.His children.

Thank you. His children. Yes.

You know what's awkwardis, technically, they're not

all his, but theystill took his name.

Uh, the one thing you knowabout... It's the buildings,

not the chil...It's the joke of the thing.

You can't "aw" for a building.

You know, the one thingyou know about Trump

is that when he wins,he's gonna savor the moment.

And as always,you can trust Trump

to choose the best musicto walk out to.

♪ And findI'm king of the hill ♪

♪ Top of the heap

What a fitting song.

'Cause that'll be the anthemof most people

when Trump's elected president.

♪ Start spreading the news

♪ I'm leaving today

(cheering and applause)


now, Donald Trump may havemade us listen to an old song,

but what we got to see yesterdaywas a new Trump.

He was succinct, disciplined,and respectful.

Which, according to the media,made him presidential as balls.

REPORTER: Donald Trump takes on a more presidential tone.

And his tone is already becomingmore presidential.

Very disciplined.

-He didn't call Senator Ted CruzLyin' Ted. -No.

He called him Senator Cruz.

More presidential?

"Senator Cruz," not "Lyin' Ted."

Did you notice that?

And he wasn't racist?

And he didn't callany female reporters a bimbo?

This guy's readyfor the White House!

Give him the codes!

This is ridiculous!

Trump has basically loweredthe media's expectations so much

that not insulting someoneseems presidential to them.

Yeah, it's a tactic straight outof The Art of the Deal:

wear people down to the point

that they will settlefor the bare minimum.

"Trump stabbed a strangeron Fifth Avenue."

"Yeah, but at leasthe didn't shoot them.

He's so presidential."

The only thing more befuddlingthan Trump's entrance

was how CNN declared himthe winner.

REPORTER: Once CNN projectswinners, the lights will change

to correspond to the colorsthat CNN is using

to represent each candidate.

This is what a Donald Trumpvictory would look like,

with the top of the Empire StateBuilding illuminated

in a dark red, a crimson.

So, CNN, you're telling people

that to get their news,they should stop watching,

go outside,

and then, what,hold paint swatches up

to the Empire State Building?

"What color is the building?What color is the building?

"Oh, it's brownish aqua.

"Oh, that meansthree people charged

in the Flint water scandal.Thanks, CNN."

Why don't you just tellthe people the news?


And this is what happened.

CNN had different colors planned

for all the candidatesif they won.

So, like, if Kasich won, itwould have turned a bland beige.

Uh, if Cruz won,it would have been black,

since that's the colorof his soul.

Uh, if Hillary Clinton won,

it would turn whatever colorwas the most popular

at that particular moment.

And, uh... and if the buildingturned glitter,

then that meansthat Princess Panda has returned

from the Panda Land!

It's Princess Panda, everybody!

-Princess Panda!-(cheering and applause)

-Oh.-That's right, Trevor.

I've come to reignover the world once more.

Princess Panda,it's been so long.

Wh-Why did we banish youin the first place?

I don't know,but, boy, the world has changed.

The Daily Show is being hosted by a (bleep).

(groaning, laughter)

Oh, that-that was the reasonwe banished...

You're a horrible racist panda.That's...

He-he! Bye now!

I can't believe you guys cheeredfor the racist panda.

Disgusting.All right, where were we?

Ah, yes, Donald Trump.Uh, now, you might wonder

why Donald Trump won New Yorkor, actually, how he wins

any state, given that hiscampaign has basically been run

like Speedy Gonzales--it's-it's cartoonish,

impossible to pin down, andalways insulting to Mexicans.

Uh, as always, as always,the key to understanding

Trump's success is understandingwho his competition is.

Check out this pieceof Ted Cruz's concession speech

from last night.

Join me now on this journey

of less talk and more action,

real solutions,

because I know you.

You may have been knocked down,

but America has always been best

when she is lying downwith her back on the mat.


I'm sorry, what?

At no pointdid he think this was weird?

He sounds like he's readinghis erotic America fan fiction

to an empty room.Just listen to that again.

America has always been best

when she is lying downwith her back on the mat.

Opening her Oval Office wide,

begging for democracy,

her swimsuit area as baldas an American eagle.

This guy is so weird.

You know the best partof the entire primary yesterday?

It didn't come from the resultsor from the speeches,

but, instead, it came

from America'smost trusted news source.

If you go on Facebook right now,still one

of the top trending topicsfrom last night, Ted Cruz...

Somebody was watching The Maury Povich Show.

This episode of Maury Povich was about a paternity test

for this girl,and a watchful viewer thought

that this lookedexactly like Ted Cruz.


(applause and cheering)

That is so insane.

That's a real personon The Maury Povich Show,

and that is...

Which way... which one is...?

They looked like Ben Carsonseparated them at birth. Like...

-(laughter) -And... and thesimilarities don't end there,

because last night,

that woman won exactlyas many delegates as Ted Cruz.

You know, the possibility

of another Clinton presidencyseems perfectly in line

with everything elsethat's happening this year.

America is obsessedwith the '90s.

Seriously, just this weekend,there was HBO's movie

about the Anita Hill,Clarence Thomas hearings,

and earlier this month,

there was FX's miniseriesabout the O.J. Simpson trial.

And, obviously,

Netflix has revisited the whole Full House scandal.

You know, Stamos and thehorse fetish-- disgusting.


And with upcoming dramas planned

about the Menendez brothersand JonBenét Ramsey,

it feels like the '90sare having a real moment.

I mean, they had a moment,which was the '90s,

but you know what I mean.

Uh, so, clearly, this isa huge ratings opportunity,

and The Daily Show refuses tomiss out on these opportunities,

so we've made a '90s showof our own.

MALE NARRATOR: Two decades ago, it shocked a nation.

Another closely watched trialbegan today

in Manassas, Virginia.

What really happened betweenLorena and John Wayne Bobbitt?

Lorena Bobbitt is chargedwith malicious wounding

for the sexual mutilationof her husband.

MAN: She'll be on trial

for cutting off her penis.

I'm gonna chop off your peenand throw it in a field.

-(blade slashes)-(yelling)

My peen!

(tires squealing)

I chopped off his peen,

and now I'm gonnathrow it in a field.

NARRATOR: You think you know the whole story? Think again.

Thanks for helping mechop off my husband's peen,

Tonya Harding.

I still think we should havehired someone else to do it.


So what are we gonna do now,Notorious B.I.G?

Now... we go kill Tupac, huh?

You gonna chop off his peen?

-Bad boy. Come on.-(engine revving)


Amy Fisher.


-Dr. Kevorkian. -(explosive whoosh)

-(angelic singing) -David Koresh. -(click)

-(woman moaning) -Monica Lewinsky.

And the Unabomber.


(cheers and applause)

Don't forgetto tune in, America.

My guest tonight isa Grammy-nominated musician

whose new album is called A Sailor's Guide to Earth.

Now to play the song "In Bloom"from that album,

please welcome Sturgill Simpson!

(cheers and applause)

(band plays slow, gentleintro to "In Bloom")

♪ Sell the kids for food

♪ Weather changes moods

♪ Spring is here again

♪ Reproductive glands

♪ He's the one

♪ Who likesall the pretty songs ♪

♪ And he likes to sing along

♪ And he likesto shoot his gun ♪

♪ But he don't knowwhat it means, no ♪

♪ He don't know what it meansto love someone ♪

(instrumental interludefeaturing steal guitar)

♪ We can have some more

♪ Nature is a whore

♪ Bruises on the fruit

♪ Tender age

♪ In bloom

♪ Hey, he's the one

♪ Who likesall our pretty songs ♪

♪ And he likes to sing along

♪ And he likesto shoot his gun, but ♪

♪ He don't know what it means

♪ Don't know what it meansto love someone ♪

♪ Hey, he's the one

♪ Who likesall our pretty songs ♪

♪ And he likes to sing along

♪ And he likesto shoot his gun ♪

♪ But he don't knowwhat it means, now ♪

♪ He don't know what it means

♪ When I say

♪ He's the one

♪ Who likesall our pretty songs ♪

♪ And he likes to sing along

♪ And he likesto shoot his gun ♪

♪ But he don't knowwhat it means, now ♪

♪ He don't know what it means

♪ To love someone

♪ To love someone

♪ Now, now.

We're here with,uh, Sturgill Simpson.

who is now, uh, officiallynumber one on the iTunes charts.

-Congratulations.-Thank you very much.

-Yeah.-(cheering, applause)

Can I just take a second to say,I mean, obviously the song

is amazing, but, like,is this a choice

that everything youown looks really old?

Yeah, actually,it's intentional.

Is that, like, is thata musical thing or a...

It's just... the older stuffsounds better.

Oh. Yeah.I like the way you say that.

-It makes it sound real.-Well...

You got-you got, like, a...You've got that voice

-that makes anything...-At least it-it sounds like

the records we love, you know?

-Old school.-Old school.

With the Yeezys on.I like that.

Little bit of new school.

Let's talk about the albumitself. Uh, I read

a beautiful write-up on it,and how you talked about

it was basicallya letter to your infant son.

-Correct. -Do you notplan to speak to him?

-Well, you know, things happen.Never know. -(Noah laughs)

It's a beautiful story.Uh, the song we just heard

was, uh, Nirvana's "In Bloom".

I'm assuminga huge influence on you?

Yeah, when I was about 13that record, uh,

was like a bomb going offin my bedroom, so, I wanted...

I thought it also captured,lyrically,

whether he intended it or not,I found that lyrics

lent themselvesto a good narrative for every

young boy's life aroundthat post-pubescent age.

I love your style, man.You're just, like...

You're the kind of guy I wantin an emergency situation.

You know, on the plane,when they go, "Keep calm",

I'm like,"Who's gonna keep calm?"

-Sturgill's gonna keep calm.-You have... you have no idea.

Sturgill Simpson's new album, A Sailor's Guide to Earth,

is available now.Now, to play us out

with the song "Call to Arms",please welcome,

once again, Sturgill Simpson.

(cheering, applause)

(upbeat music plays)

♪ I done Syria, Afghanistan,Iraq, and Iran ♪

♪ North Korea,tell me, where does it end?

♪ Well, the bodieskeep piling up with every day ♪

♪ How many moreare they gonna send? ♪

♪ Well, they send their sonsand daughters ♪

♪ Off to die for some war

♪ To control the heroin

♪ Well, my son,I hope you don't grow up ♪

♪ Believing that you've gotto be a puppet to be a man ♪


♪ They have to cut off your hairand put a patch on your arm ♪

♪ Strip you of your identity

♪ Tell you to keep your mouthshut, boy, and get in line ♪

♪ Meet your maker overseas

♪ Wearing that Kim Jong-il hat

♪ Grandma's selling pillsand meanwhile ♪

♪ I'm wearing my "can't paymy fucking bills" hat ♪

-♪ Yeah -♪

♪ Well, and nobody's looking upto care about a drone ♪

♪ All too busy looking downat our phone ♪

♪ Ego begging for foodlike a dog from a feed ♪

♪ Refreshing obsessivelytill our eyes start to bleed ♪

♪ Serve up distractionsand we eat 'em with fries ♪

♪ Till the bombs fallout of our fuckin' sky now ♪

(instrumental interlude)

♪ Well, now, now, now, now

Go, baby.

(instrumental interludefeaturing guitar)

(synthesizer plays upbeat solo)


(instrumental interludecontinues)

♪ I got bullshit on the TV

♪ Bullshit on the radio

♪ Hollywood telling mehow to be me ♪

♪ The bullshit's got to go...

(cheering, applause)

(song ends)