Monday, January 6, 2014

  • 01/06/2014

Kumail Nanjiani, Paul Scheer and Andrea Savage invent titles for #FutureBooks, judge Madonna's parenting skills and title creepy Pinterest boards.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, RIPPED FROM

TODAY'S INTERNET HEADLINES, IT

IS RAPID REFRESH, THE FIRST ONE

OF 2014.

(APPLAUSE)

THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN

WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100

POINTS.

POINT VALUES DID NOT CHANGE OVER

THE HOLIDAYS.

NO INFLATION.

IT WAS A BIG WEEKEND FOR

FOOTBALLING, WHATEVER THAT IS.

PAT Mc... SPORTS IS CRAZY,

KUMAIL.

PAT McAFEE, WHO'S PAID TO KICK

FOOTBALLS, ACCIDENTALLY

PHOTOGRAPHED MAN BALLS.

IF YOU CAN SEE THIS IN THE

BACKGROUND THERE, THAT IS NAKED

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS QUARTERBACK

ANDREW LUCK UNLUCKILY

PHOTOBOMBING A LOCKER ROOM

PICTURE WHICH McAFEE TWEETED AND

QUICKLY DELETED.

THERE HE IS IN THE BACKGROUND

THERE.

AWW, LOOK AT LITTLE WOLVERINE

BACK THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

"LOGAN, DOES IT HURT WHEN IT

COMES OUT?"

"EVERY TIME."

(LAUGHTER)

OH, COME ON.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE IT.

I'LL TAKE IT.

I'M ATTENTION STARVED.

IT WAS A LONG HOLIDAY.

WHAT WAS McAFEE'S NEXT TWEET?

WAS IT:

KUMAIL?

>> A!

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS

"A."

WOULD YOU BRING THAT PICTURE

BACK UP?

DO YOU THINK HE DELETED IT

BECAUSE OF THE TWEET, OR BECAUSE

OF THIS GUY'S AWFUL SANDALS

RIGHT HERE?

>> NOW, CHRIS THIS IS THE SAME

OUTFIT THAT YOU WEAR BEHIND THAT

PODIUM.

IT'S JUST A TOWEL AND FLIP

FLOPS, RIGHT?

YEAH.

>> Chris: YES, I'M WEARING A

TOWEL AND SANDALS UNDERNEATH.

>> NOTHING'S CHANGED!

(laughter)

>> Chris: POINTS TO ANDREA

SAVAGE AS REPARATIONS FOR OUR

RELATIONSHIP.

ALL RIGHT, MADONNA CAUSED A

SHITESTORM OF CONTROVERSY AFTER

INSTAGRAMMING THIS PICTURE OF

HER 13-YEAR-OLD SON ROCCO AND

TWO OF HIS TEENAGE FRIENDS

HOLDING BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL,

BECAUSE THAT'S JUST GOOD

PARENTING.

MADONNA?

REALLY?

(LAUGHTER)

THE INTERNET'S ALL PISSED OFF

ABOUT IT NOW.

HOW DID MADONNA CAPTION THIS

PICTURE?

(LAUGHTER)

YES, KUMAIL?

>> I'M GOING GO WITH B.

THE PARTY HAS JUST BEGUN.

>> Chris: YES!

>> WHY DOES HE HANG OUT WITH

SOMEONE SIGNIFICANTLY OLDER AND

THEN SIGNIFICANTLY YOUNGER?

(LAUGHTER)

>> THIS IS LIKE A FAILED T.G.I.

FRIDAY SHOW.

>> Chris: IT'S CALLED 12 STEP BY

STEP.

(LAUGHTER)

POINTS TO ME!

TO BRING THE TWEET OF THE DAY

BACK.

LAST NIGHT'S WINTER WAS

@MIDWSTRN_VALUES WITH THE

#FUTUREBOOK, "CHARLOTTE'S WEB

SERIES."

WELL PLAYED.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AS I MENTIONED, LAST NIGHT'S

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME MARKED THE END

OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL'S BOWL

SEASON.

I THINK I UNDERSTAND WHAT SOME

OF THOSE WORDS WERE.

CONGRATULATIONS, GRADUATES.

COMEDIANS IN HONOR OF THE EVENT,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS REJECTED

BOWL GAMES.

#REJECTEDBOWLGAMES.

SO SOME EXAMPLES MIGHT BE THE

SARS BOWL, OR THE TURD IN THE

PUNCH BOWL OR THE SPLENDA BOWL.

ANY BOWL WOULD BE ACCEPTABLE FOR

REJECTED BOWL GAMES.

I'LL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK.

READY, SET AND GO.

YES, DOUG BENSON.

>> FINGER BOWL.

>> Chris: POINTS!

GRACE HELBIG.

>> THE OTHER TWO MEMBERS OF THE

ORIGINAL DESTINY'S CHILD BOWL.

>> Chris: THAT'S A VERY

SPECIFIC BOWL.

POINTS.

MOSHE KASHER.

>> BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE.

>> Chris: I GOT TO GIVE YOU

POINTS.

IT WORKS.

DOUG BENSON?

>> PACK-A-BOWL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THEY LOVE YOU.

>> Chris: TWO THINGS, DOUG.

TWO THINGS.

ONE (BLEEP) YOU!

TWO, POINTS.

YES, MOSHE.

>> DEEZ NUTS BOWL, PRESENTED BY

PLANTERS.

>> Chris: THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

POINTS.

THEY SHOULD HAVE THAT.

YES, DOUG?

>> TUPPERWARE BOWL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHY WERE YOU...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T EVEN THINK TUPPERWARE

COULD HAVE CONTAINED THE

EXCITEMENT AND THE ENTHUSIASM

BUT I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS

ANYWAY.

YOU GUYS, IT IS TIME TO PLAY

ETSY PITCHMEN, THE FIRST ONE OF

THE NEW SEASON.

NOW, IN THE REAL WORLD RETAIL

STORES WILL GO OUT OF BUSINESS

WHEN THEY CAN'T PAY RENT.

BUT ON ETSY YOU CAN SELL

ANYTHING YOU WANT, MAKE NO

MONEY AND KEEP YOUR DOORS OPEN

AS LONG AS THEY DON'T TAKE YOUR

COMPUTER AWAY.

AND EVEN THEN IT'S GOING TO BE

ON ETSY'S SERVER SO YOU'RE FINE.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS SOME

STRANGE ITEMS FROM ETSY AND FOR

250 POINTS YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME

A KILLER TAG LINE TO HELP SELL

IT.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

MILEY CYRUS RELIGIOUS CANDLE.

YES, MOSHE.

>> THIS IS A RED CANDLE, BUT IT

ACTS BLACK.

>> Chris: OH, WAY POINTS.

WAY POINTS.

DOES IT OR DO YOU YOU JUST FIND

IT ON TOP OF A BLACK CANDLE?

(LAUGHTER)

A THICK BLACK CANDLE.

>> IT'S HARD TO TELL BECAUSE

THE LINES ARE BLURRED.

THANK YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: HEY, MOSHE, I GAVE

YOU POINTS BECAUSE YOU'RE

♪ A GOOD GIRL

OKAY, NEXT ONE?

THE PERFECT GREETING CARD FOR

THE CREEPIEST CAT LADY IN YOUR

LIFE.

THE ONLY THING MORE DISGUSTING

THAN YOUR AUNT'S OBSESSION WITH

HER CAT IS THIS CARD.

THAT'S HOW JUST A CAT WOULD BE

IN YOU AND THEN EXIT YOUR BODY,

FUR AND ALL.

I THINK THIS IMAGE IS EVEN

MORE DISGUSTING IF YOU IMAGINE

SHE PUT IT IN THERE IN THE FIRST

PLACE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> ME-OUCH!

>> Chris: ME-OUCH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> POINTS!

POINTS!

>> THIS IS FROM HOARDERS,

EXTREME EDITION.

>> Chris: WAIT A MINUTE.

GO BACK TO THAT IMAGE.

GO BACK TO THAT IMAGE RIGHT THIS

SECOND.

SO WE CAN SHOW THIS BUT YOU HAVE

TO PIXELATE THE TITS OUT?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WELL, WE DON'T WANT ANYONE TO BE

OFFENDED BY A NIPPLE.

THERE IS A CROSS-SECTION OF A

LADY WITH A CAT COMING OUT OF

HER VAGINA BUT IF THERE'S ONE

MILLIMETER OF NIPPLE, (BLEEP)

GOING TO GET CRAZY!

(APPLAUSE)

THIS IS WHAT IS FUN.

SEE, THAT BIG PUSSY COMES OUT OF

THAT BIG (BLEEP).

AND IF MY STANDARDS AND

PRACTICES CALCULATIONS ARE

CORRECT ONLY ONE OF THOSE GOT

BLEEPED.

(APPLAUSE)

>> HEY CHRIS.

>> Chris: WHAT?

>> POINTS.

#FML OR #YOLO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SOME DAY WHEN SETI DISCOVERS

LIFE AND ALIENS VISIT EARTH

TO DETERMINE WHAT HUMANS

WERE LIKE BEFORE WE WENT

EXTINCT, THE ONLY THING THAT

WILL BE THERE WILL BE TWO

PHRASES WILL FULLY ARTICULATED

WHAT OUR SOCIETY STOOD FOR:

FML AND YOLO.

I'M GOING TO READ A BUNCH OF

TWEETS AND YOU HAVE TO TELL ME

IF THE TWEETER USED THE HASHTAG

FML OR YOLO.

HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

ANAL IS UNDERRATED IN CLEANSING.

(LAUGHTER)

HANG ON AND THEN WE'LL GET TO

YOUR ANSWER.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE THE ACT

ITSELF SHOULD BE THE CLEANSING

PART.

MOSHE KASHER?

>> I MEAN IF IT WAS FMA, IT

WOULD BE ONE THING BUT IT'S

DEFINITELY YOLO, FOR SURE.

>> Chris: YOLO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND BY THE WAY, I THINK IT IS

EXACTLY RATED RIGHT WHERE IT

NEEDS TO BE.

>> OH, IT'S A DUDE, THAT'S

SOMETHING HE TELLS HIS

GIRLFRIEND.

>> THAT'S MY FOLLOW FRIDAY RIGHT

NOW.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT

ONE.

DROPPED MY BIRTH CONTROL IN MY

COFFEE.

THEN DRAINED IT TO TAKE THE

DISSOLVED PILL.

ONLY ME.

GRACE?

>> FML?

>> Chris: FML.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CLUMSY.

CLUMSY.

OOPS, I HAD A BABY.

>> IT'S STUPID DANGER PANDA AND

IT'S STUPID DANGER PANDA FACE!

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT GIRL CANNOT GET HER LIFE

TOGETHER.

>> Chris: WAS THAT THE PANDA?

WAS THAT DANGER PANDA FROM

EARLIER?

DANGER PANDA SMOKED A BUNCH OF

WEED AND THEN DROPPED HIS BIRTH

CONTROL PILLS.

>> DANGER PANDA NEEDS TO GO TO

REHAB.

THIS IS CALLED NEW FACEBOOK

GROUPS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FACEBOOK IS LOUSY WITH ALL KIND

OF TERRIBLE FACEBOOK GROUPS

THAT SOMEHOW HAVE HUNDREDS OF

MEMBERS LIKE DRESSING UP AS AN

APPLE AND CHASING FAT PEOPLE.

WHICH IS REAL.

OR ALIEN INTERVENTION RESISTANCE

GROUP.

OR I HATE WHEN ONE OF THE

STRINGS OF MY HOODIE BECOMES

LONGER THAN THE OTHER.

THAT HAS 1.3 MILLION LIKES BY

THE WAY.

1.3 MILLION.

THAT CAT CAME OUT OF SOME

WOMAN'S VAGINA!

(LAUGHTER)

OVER ON ETSY.

COMEDIANS YOU HAVE 60 SECONDS TO

COME UP WITH FACEBOOK GROUPS

THAT NO SANE PERSON WOULD WANT

TO JOIN.

EACH FACEBOOK GROUP THAT MAKES

ME AND THE AUDIENCE LAUGH GET

250 POINTS.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK STARTING

NOW.

MOSHE KASHER.

>> ADULT CHILDREN OF

CHOCOHOLICS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

GRACE?

>> SCABIES BEANIE BABIES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: BEANIE SCABIES.

POINTS.

MOSHE?

>> WHITE MEN THAT HAVE SLEPT

WITH KIM KARDASHIAN.

>> Chris: ONE MEMBER.

ONE GUY.

>> JUST ONE GUY.

>> Chris: ONE GUY, YEAH.

GRACE HELBIG?

>> THE OTHER TWO MEMBERS OF

DESTINY'S CHILD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

GOOD CALL BACK.

DOUG BENSON?

>> FANS OF GRAVITY, NOT THE

MOVIE.

>> Chris: THAT SHOULD HAVE A

LOT, BUT NOT AS MUCH AS THE

HOODIE ONE.

POINTS.

GRACE HELBIG.

>> I NAMED MY PITBULL PITBULL

AFTER THE MUSIC ARTIST PITBULL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

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