Monday, January 6, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 1001
  • 01/06/2014

Kumail Nanjiani, Paul Scheer and Andrea Savage invent titles for #FutureBooks, judge Madonna's parenting skills and title creepy Pinterest boards.

(LAUGHTER)RIPPED FROM

TODAY'S INTERNET HEADLINES IT'SRAPID REFRESH, THE FIRST ONE OF

2014.

(APPLAUSE)THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN

WITH THE ANSWER GET 1S00 POINTS.

POINT VALUES DIDN'T CHANGE OVERTHE HOLIDAYS.

NO INFLATION.

IT WAS A BIG WEEKEND FORFOOTBALLING, WHATEVER THAT IS.

(LAUGHTER)PAT MACK -- SPORTS IS CRAZY.

PAT McAFEE WHO'S PAID TO KICKFOOTBALLS ACCIDENTALLY

PHOTOGRAPHED MAN BALLS.

THAT IS NAKED INDIANAPOLIS COLTSQUARTER BACK ANDREW LUCK

UNLUCKILY PHOTO BOMBING A LOCKERROOM PICTURE IN WHICH McAFEE

TWEETED AND QUICKLY DELETED.

THERE HE IS IN THE BACKGROUND.

LOOK AT LITTLE WOLVERINE THERE.

LOGAN, DOES IT HURT WHEN ITCOMES OUT?

EVERY TIME.

(LAUGHTER)I'LL TAKES IT WHAT WAS McAFEE'S

NEXT TWEET.

WAS IT.

A)OH, BOY, HALF NAKED ANDREW IN

THE BACK OF THAT LAST ONE.

B.)OOPS, SORRY, ANDREW, BUT TALK

ABOUT GOING LONG!

(LAUGHTER)C)

WHOOPS, THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BEA D.M. I LOVE MY WIFE.

>> Chris: KUMAIL?

>>>> A!

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS"A."

WOULD YOU FWLANG PICTURE BACKUP?

DO YOU THINK HE DELETED ITBECAUSE OF THE TWEET OR THIS

GUY'S AWFUL SANDALS?

(LAUGHTER)NOW, CHRISS THIS IS THE SAME

OUTFIT YOU WEAR BEHIND THATPODIUM.

>> YES, I'M WEARING A TOWEL ANDSANDALS UNDERNEATH.

>> NOTHING'S CHANGED!

(APPLAUSE)>> Chris: POINTS TO ANDREA

SAVAGE AS REPARATIONS FOR OURRELATIONSHIP.

ALL RIGHT, MADONNA CAUSED ASTORM OF CONTROVERSY AVENUE

INSTAGRAMING HER THIS PICTURE OFHER 13-YEAR-OLD SON ROCCO AND

HIS TEENAGE FRIENDS HOLDINGBOTTLES OF ALCOHOL-- BECAUSE

THAT'S GOOD PARENTING.

MADONNA?

REALLY?

THE INTERNET IS ALL PISSED OFFABOUT IT NOW.

HOW DID MADONNA CAPTION THISPICTURE?

A)I'VE DEFLOWERED BACKUP DANCES

THAT LOOK YOUNGER THAN THIS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)B)

THE PARTY HAS JUST BEGUN, BRINGIT 2014!

C)TRUTH OR DARE, HE CHOSE DARE

#LIGHTWEIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)YES, KUMAIL?

>> I'M GOING GO WITH "B" THEPARTY HAS JUST BEGUN.

>> YES.

BRING IT 2014!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Chris: WHY DID SHE HANG OUT

WITH SOMEBODY SIGNIFICANTLYOLDER AND SIGNIFICANTLY YOUNGER?

THIS IS LIKE A FAILED T.G.I.

FRIDAY SHOW.

(LAUGHTER)IT'S CALLED 12 STEP BY STEP.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS TO ME!

WHILE WE WERE OFF THE AIR YOUGUYS KEPT PLAYING ALONG WITH US

ONLINE.

THANK YOU FOR IGNORING YOURFAMILY.

FOR INSTANCE,@AARONROSENFELDCREATED THIS ONE AFTER OUR OUR

BORING VIDEO GAME.

IT SAYS "HALO, IT ISN'T MEYOU'RE LOOKING FOR."

TURNING OUR ATTENTION AFFAIRWITH THAT, IT'S TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

I'VE MISSED IT SO MUCH.

GUY INS!

GUYS!

GUYS!

IT IS 2014!

WELCOME TO THE FUTURE!

ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR NEWYEAR'S RESOLUTIONS IS TO READ

MORE BOOKS.

A BOOK IS LIKE A PRINTOUT OF THEKINDLE YOU DON'T USE.

(LAUGHTER)SO IN HONOR OF YOUR FAILED

RESOLUTION WE'LL UPDATE CLASSICSWITH TONIGHT'S #TAG FUTURE

BOOKS.

EXAMPLE OF THIS WOULD BE #A TALEOF TWO TWIN CITIES, #MOBY DICK

PICS.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

PAUL SCHEER?

>> PRIDE, PREJUDICE ANDTWERKING.

>> Chris: POINTS!

KUMAIL?

>> BLOG OF ANNE FRANK.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS!

ANDREA?

>> BRAVE NEW WORLD OF WAR CRAFT.

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS!

CUE SNAIL>> WARTS OF BEING A WALL

FLOWERS.

>> Chris: ANDREA?

>> MAPQUEST SHRUGS.

>> Chris: BRAINY!

FALL?

>> THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON EMOJ>> Chris: YES!

>> OH, THAT'S SUCH A SAD TEXT.

>> Chris: ANDREA?

>> A TIME TO KILL-- PEOPLEBECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF

PLAYING CALL OF DUTY.

>> Chris: POINTS!

PAUL?

>> TYLER PERRY'S "LORD OF THERINGS."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I WAS GOING SAVE THAT FOR CRINGE

WORTHY.

>> Chris: KUMAIL?

>> GRUMPY CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF.

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS!

IT'S TIME PLAY "PIN IT."

PINTEREST NOW HAS MORE USERSTHAN TWITTER, YOU GUYS.

I'M SURE YOU GUYS KNOWPINTEREST, YOU POST PICTURES ON

BULLETIN BOARDS LIKE"INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES" OR

"FURNITURE I MAY HAVE SEX WITH."

WE'LL SHOW YOU A PICTURE FROM --WHAT DID YOU WANT TO SAY KUMAIL?

>> WELL, I'D ONLY (BLEEP) ONE OFTHOSE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: THE TABLE, RIGHTING?

>> IT HAS TO BE THE TABLE.

IT'S JUST REALLY NICE.

>> Chris: WE'RE GOING SHOW YOU APICTURE THERE PINTEREST AND I

WANT YOU NAME THE BOARD ITSHOD BE PINNED ON.

LET US BEGIN.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE: WHAT'STHAT BELONG TO?

PAUL SNEER>> LAST THINGS YOU SEE BEFORE

YOU DIE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> Chris: I WOULD HAVE SAID

THINGS THAT SURPRISINGLY SMELLGREAT.

>> HOW ABOUT THIS?

DECOMPOSING FURRYS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> Chris: THE CROWD WASN'T WITH

YOU BUT (BLEEP) THEM!

POINTS!

>> CAN I DO ONE?

>> Chris: KUMAIL?

SURE.

>> DAVID LYNCH'S FALL LINE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS FOR ALL OF YOU

ON THAT ONE.

NEXT ONE.

THE(LAUGHTER)

>> BABY, ARE YOU SURE IT'S MINE?

>> Chris: THAT'S THE D.N.A.

TEST.

>> OUR PERM BANK IS TOO BIG TOFAIL.

>> Chris: POINTS!

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FAR!

(APPLAUSE)ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

YES, KUMAIL?

>> WORKING MOTHERS?

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris:

>> IF I HAD A PINTEREST BOARDI'D PUT THIS ON "THINGS YOU

COULD NEVER UNSEE."

>> Chris: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO?

NEXT ONE.

LOOK AT THAT HELLO KITTY!

ANDREA SAVAGE?

$WHAT MY UNCLE WEARS TO CHURCH.

>> I WOULD SAY HELLO KITTY,GOOD-BYE BOYFRIEND.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS!

>> I WOULD SAY RED FLAG.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: I WOULD SAY POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,CHUCK E. CHEESE OR JAIL?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)VERY EXCITING, YOU CAN FIND

REVIEWS OF EVERYTHING ON YELPAND THE REVIEWS FOR JAILS AND

CHUCK E. CHEESES ARE SHOCKINGLYSIMILAR.

I'LL READ YOU EXCERPTS FROMREVIEWS AND FOR 250 POINTS TELL

ME THE YELPER IS TALKING ABOUTCHUCK E. CHEESE OR JAIL.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

"CAN'T BEAT THE FAKE COOL LAID."

KUMAIL?

>> CHUCK E. CHEESE.

>> Chris: NO, THAT'S JAIL!

"THERE HAS BEEN SEVERAL FIGHTSBETWEEN GANG BANGING DADDIES."

KUMAIL?

>> OH, MY GOD, THAT HAS TO BEJAIL.

>> THAT'S CHUCK E. CHEESE!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> Chris: CHUCK E. CHEESE!

WHICH I THINK I'M GOING SAY THEPROBABLY LIKE JAIL FOR PARENTS.

>> I LIKE THAT EVEN WITH THATHE'S LIKE "TWO STARS."

I'M NOT UNREASONABLE.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, GREAT PLACETO BRING YOUR KIDS.

PAUL?

>> JAIL.

>> Chris: THAT IS JAIL FOR SOMEREASON.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

>> ONE STAR.

>> Chris: MAYBE HE WAS BEINGIRONIC.

THIS IS THE AMAZON WISH LIST.

LOTS OF PEOPLE HAVE AMAZON WISHLIST BUS NOT MANY SUPREME TWO

PENISES.

(LAUGHTER)LATE LAST WEEK, A MAN WITH TWO

PENISES DID A RHETT DID A.M.A.

-- THIS MAN, THIS IS THE PICTUREBECAUSE HONEST TO GOD ONE IS

CIRCUMCISED AND THE OTHER ISNOT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HEY, HE'S HEDGING HIS BETS,

RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: TONIGHT I'M FEELING A

LITTLE EURO!

THIS MAN'S AFLEXION/SUPERPOWERQUICKLY BECAME NATIONAL NEWS,

ALSO HE'S BISEXUAL SO THAT'SAWESOME.

ONE FOR EACH PENIS.

THIS MAN DESERVES TO BE LAVISHEDIN GIFTS SO COMEDIANS FOR 250

POINTS LIST ADDS AS MANY ITEMSAS POSSIBLE THAT WOULD BE ON THE

MAN WITH TWO PENIS' AMAZON WISHLIST.

I'LL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCKSTARTING NOW.

SAVAGE?

>> A THIRD PENIS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: RULE OF THREEs.

YEAH, POINTS.

KUMAIL?

>> TWO FLASHLIGHTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: BUT CONNECTED IN A

"V."

POINTS.

KUMAIL AGAIN>> A REAL SEX DOLL AND A POWER

DRILL.

>> Chris: A D.I.Y. DOUBLE ENTRY?

SURE.

POINTS.

ANDREA?

>> ONE GIRL, TWO CUPS.

>> Chris: POINTS!

PAUL?

>> ONE OF THOSE CHINESEFINGERTOR TORTURE THINGS.

>> Chris: WHY WOULD THAT WILL BEON HIS WISH LIST?

>> BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

YES,FALL?

>> A MINI T-SHIRT THAT SAYS "I'MWITH A DICK."

>> Chris: A MINI T-SHIRTS TO FORONE TO PUT ON THE OTHER?

>> EXACTLY.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: KUMAIL?

>> ANYTHING BUT A BICYCLE.

(LAUGHTER)>> I THINK HE ACTUALLY WANTS A

BICYCLE BUT I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

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