I'm Retired

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 10/17/2012

A biracial boy has penis concerns, and an inner-city substitute teacher takes roll call.

- DA STRUGGLE IN THE HOUSE.

USING WORDS AND RHYMESTO GET THROUGH HARD TIMES.

YEAH. COME ON.

[hip hop music]

♪ I CAME FROM THE STREETSWITH NOTHING IN MY POCKETS ♪

♪ NO FOOD, NO BOOKS,NO POWER IN THE SOCKETS ♪

♪ EACH BATTLE I FIGHT,A ROLE MODEL AND A TEACHER ♪

♪ HIP HOP, MY CHURCH,EVERY RAPPER A PREACHER ♪

- ♪ PREACH FROM THE ASS,MY FARTS IS MY SERMONS ♪

♪ THE CHURCH IS YOUR MOUTHWHERE I SHOOT MY HOLY SPERM IN ♪

♪ YOU CAN TAKE YOUR ROLE MODELS,ROLL 'EM ON MY MEAT ♪

♪ BITCHES ALWAYS ON THE MENUWHEN I GO OUT TO EAT ♪

- ♪ BUT EVERYWHERE WE GO

♪ WE DON'T FORGETTHE STRUGGLES, SON ♪

♪ BLACK WOMAN,TWO JOBS, TWO KIDS ♪

♪ TOO TIRED TO JUGGLE THEM

- ♪ JUGGLE 'EM, JUGGLE 'EM,JIGGITY, JIGGITY JUGGLE 'EM ♪

♪ YUM, YUM, YUMMY

♪ TITTY TITTIESIN MY TUMMY, YUM ♪

♪ TITTIES IN MY MOUTH,I GOT TITTIES IN MY MOUTH ♪

♪ I GOT TIG OL' BITTIES FROMA BUNCH OF DIFFERENT CITIES ♪

♪ I GOT--

[hinges creaking]

- I WAS WONDERING WHENI WOULD COME IN HERE TO FIND YOU

SITTING IN THAT CHAIR.

- IT WASN'T EASYTRACKING YOU DOWN, DECKER.

- WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE.

- I KNOW YOU'VE RETIRED,BUT--

- THAT'S ALL BEHIND ME NOW,GENERAL.

I'M NOT THE MAN YOU KNEWDURING THE COLD WAR.

- I UNDERSTAND.

WE'RE NOW FACING A THREAT UNLIKEANY WE'VE EVER FACED BEFORE.

A MAN WITH YOUR EXPERTISE--- I MADE A VOW.

NEVER TO KILLANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

SORRY, GENERAL, GONNAHAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

- OH...

NO, WE WEREN'TTHINKING YOU'D DO IT.

WE WERE--[clears throat]JUST HOPING YOU COULD

RECOMMEND SOMEONEFOR THE JOB.

- I GUESS I COULDCOME OUT OF RETIREMENT.

- NO. NO NEED.JUST A RECOMMENDATION WILL DO.

- ALL RIGHT. I'LL DO IT.

- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JUSTNOT WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

- YOU SLY SON OF A BITCH.

YOU ALWAYS KNEWHOW TO PUSH MY BUTTONS.

I'M IN.

- NOT YOU, DECKER.

- I'M SHARP AS I EVER WAS.- [sighs]

- EVEN FASTER TOO.GRAB MY HAND.

NOPE. WAIT TILLI COUNT TO THREE FIRST.

- REALLY?

- ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

OKAY.

I WANT YOU TO TRYAND SLAP ME IN THE FACE.

UNH! WASN'T READY FOR THAT.

TRY AGAIN.

UNH! OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

- NOW WHAT?- DIDN'T HAVE MY ADRENALINE UP.

'CAUSE THIS IS NOT AN ACTUALHIGH-STAKES SITUATION.

ALL RIGHT.

DRAW YOUR WEAPON.

AND...DISARMED.[gun hammer clicks]

YOU'RE GETTING PRETTY QUICKAND DISARMED--OKAY.

I DON'T NEEDTO TAKE YOUR WEAPON.

YOU KNOW WHAT?SHOOT ME.

- I AM NOTGOING TO SHOOT YOU.

- WING ME IN THE SHOULDER.- THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

- TRY, GENERAL.SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

- [sighs]

- DEFLECTED--OOOWW!

- OKAY. I MADEA MISTAKE COMING HERE.

- WING ME IN THE OTHER SHOULDER.- I'D RATHER NOT.

- I INSIST.

DEFLECTED--AAAHH!

THAT WAS BECAUSE MY OTHER ARMWAS ALREADY INJURED.

- OKAY. I'M LEAVING.- [grunting] ALL RIGHT.

ALL OR NOTHING. GUT SHOT.

- NO!- GUT SHOT! COME ON!

IF YOU CAN SHOOT ME IN THE GUT,I'LL CONCEDE.

- DECKER, YOU HAVETWO WOUNDED ARMS.

- GUT SHOT! GO!

- GOT IT.[groans]

- YOU--YOU CAUGHT THE BULLET?

- OH, YEAH.[groans]

- SO YOU'RE TELLING METHAT THE BULLET

IS IN BETWEENYOUR HANDS RIGHT NOW.

- THAT'S WHATI'M TELLING YOU.

- [sighs]

[birds chirping]

- IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?

COME ON.

HEAD SHOT.

HEAD SHOT.I'M READY.

ONE SEC THOUGH.[gunshot]

[bell rings]

- ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP, Y'ALL.

I'M Y'ALL'S SUBSTITUTE TEACHER,MR. GARVEY.

I TAUGHT SCHOOL FOR 20 YEARSIN THE INNER CITY,

SO DON'T EVEN THINKABOUT MESSING WITH ME.

Y'ALL FEEL ME?- MM-HMM.

- OKAY.LET'S TAKE ROLL HERE.

JAY QUELLIN.

WHERE'S JAY QUELLIN AT?

NO JAY QUELLIN HERE?

- [clears throat]- YEAH.

- UH, DO YOU MEAN JACQUELINE?

- OKAY. SO THAT'SHOW IT'S GONNA BE.

Y'ALL WANNA PLAY.

OKAY, THEN.

I GOT MY EYE ON YOU,JAY QUELLIN.

BALAKAY.

WHERE IS BALAKAY AT?

THERE'S NO BALAKAY HERE TODAY?

YES, SIR.

- MY NAME IS BLAKE.- BL...

ARE YOU OUTOF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?

[mocking voice] BLAKE.WHAT?

DO YOU WANNA GO TO WAR, BALAKEY?- NO.

- 'CAUSE WE COULD GO TO WAR.- NO.

- I'M FOR REAL.I'M FOR REAL.

SO YOU BETTER CHECK YOURSELF.

DEE-NICE.

IS THERE A DEE-NICE?

IF ONE OF Y'ALL SAYSSOME SILLY-ASS NAME...

THIS WHOLE CLASSIS GONNA FEEL MY WRATH.

NOW, DEE-NICE.- DO YOU MEAN DENISE?

- SON OF A BITCH!

YOU SAY YOUR NAME RIGHT,RIGHT NOW.

- DENISE?- YOU SAY IT RIGHT.

- DENISE.- CORRECTLY.

- DENISE.- RIGHT.

- DENISE.- RIGHT.

- DEE-NICE.- THAT'S BETTER.

- [sighs]- THANK YOU.

NOW, AY-AY-RON.

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHERE IS AY-AY-RON RIGHT NOW?

NO AY-AY RON, HUH?

WELL, YOU BETTER BE SICK,DEAD, OR MUTE, AY-AY-RON!

- HERE.OH, MAN.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER METHE FIRST TIME I SAID IT, HUH?

- HUH?- YOU KNOW, I'M JUST ASKING YOU.

I SAID IT,LIKE, FOUR TIMES.

SO WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY IT THEFIRST TIME I SAID, "AY-AY-RON?"

- BECAUSE IT'S PRONOUNCED"AARON."

- SON OF A BITCH![clattering]

YOU DONE MESSED UP, AY-AY RON,NOW TAKE YOUR ASS ON DOWN

TO OH-SHAG-HENNESY'S OFFICERIGHT NOW AND TELL HIM

EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID!

- WHO?- OH-SHAG-HENNESY!

- PRINCIPAL O'SHAUGHNESSY?

- GET OUT OF MY GODDAMNCLASSROOM BEFORE I BREAK

MY FOOT OFFIN YOUR ASS!

INSUBORDINATE...

AND CHURLISH.

TYM-OH-THEE.

- PRESENT.- THANK YOU!

[bell rings]

- DUDE.

HEY, YOU GOING TO RAY'S PARTY?- YEAH, I'M GOING.

- YOU KNOW,AMY'S GONNA BE THERE.

- YEAH, I KNOW.

- THINGS HAVE BEENREAL GOOD WITH HER, MAN.

TONIGHT COULD BE THE NIGHT.- COULD BE.

- DUDE, ARE YOU OKAY?

- NOT REALLY, DUDE.- WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU GET THE HOTTEST GIRLAT A PARTY WITH NO PARENTS.

YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA HIT THATFOR SURE TONIGHT, MAN.

YOU'RE GONNA LOSETHAT V FOR GOOD!

[slams]- MY PENIS IS WHITE.

- EXCUSE ME?

- I HAVE A WHITE PENIS.- WHAT?

BUT YOU'RE BLACK.

- NUH-UH. I'M BI-RACIAL.

ALL THE WHITE WENT STRAIGHTTO MY PENIS.

- THAT--WHAT--WHAT,YOU MEAN, LIKE, THE COLOR?

OH.- YEAH.

- BUT WAIT, [bleep], DUDE.

I MEAN, HOW BAD COULD IT BE?- IT'S BAD.

- HOW BAD?- IT'S LIKE A SNICKERS.

- REGULAR OR FUN SIZE?

- WHICH ONE DO YOU GETAT HALLOWEEN?

- FUN SIZE.- THAT'S THE ONE.

- [bleep]- I KNOW.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?I MEAN, I...

HOW AM I GONNA HIT IT WITH AMYWITH MY LITTLE WHITE PENIS.

EVERYONE'S GONNA FIND OUTAND I'M NEVER GONNA HEAR

THE END OF IT.

- DUDE, DUDE, DUDE.- AMY'S WHITE.

SHE'S NOT GONNA CARE.- REALLY?

- YEAH.

SHE'S WHITE.- YEAH.

- YEAH.- I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

I MEAN, SHE'S PROBABLY NOT EVENGONNA KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

- NAH, MAN.

WHITE GIRL, WHITE PENIS.YOU'RE ALL GOOD.

[bell rings]

HEY, THERE HE IS.HOW'D IT GO LAST NIGHT?

- DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.- WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?

- BLACK VAGINA.

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