Monday, October 17, 2016

  • 10/17/2016

Robert Kirkman, Jonah Ray and Adam Conover follow up on a cliffhanger from a previous episode, describe the odd ways fans show support for musicians and list #VideoGameCelebs.

If you're a fanof The Walking Dead,

like all other right-thinkingpeople in this great nation,

you knowlast season's finale ended

with a devious cut-to-black

before Negan put the smack downon a main character,

but we don't know who it was!

We can assume it wasn't Carl,

'cause it wasn't just, like,half the screen.

-Uh...-(laughter)

So we decidedto do the same goddamn thing.

We've been taunting our audiencefor five months

like a religious girlfriendwho is only gonna do

-over-the-jeans stuff,and that's it. -(laughter)

But we're finally readyto give it up. That's right.

Now for that thing

America's been talking aboutall summer long.

Everyone go, "Chris Hardwick,who did you eliminate,"

they say to me, "on @midnight?

"I just can't functionuntil I know

what the cliffhanger wason @midnight."

Well, here is who was eliminatedfrom that fateful episode.

You are aboutto get completion.

We're gonna haveto eliminate someone,

but we'll find outwho it is in six months.

(laughter)

I'm just kidding.It's Kirkman. Uh...

-(laughter and groaning)-Do you have any last words

before we eliminate you?

This really wasn'tworth the wait.

Unlike Walking Dead, season seven,

which was totallyworth the wait.

But this--this was bull (bleep).

HARDWICK:All right, red light!

(cheers and applause)

Man.

-I mean...-I don't know.

In the end, it was entirelywho you expected it to be.

(laughter)

(dramatic musical sting plays)

Well, there it is.That's everything that, uh...

Well, who-who won?

HARDWICK:Oh, Wil Wheaton did. Yeah.

-There he is winning rightthere. Right there. -Yeah.

-(applause and cheering)-Yeah, it was amazing. -Yeah.

He had a reallyincredible answer.

Yeah. His answer was, like,

a million times betterthan Jonah's,

who was standing therelooking all lose-y.

Look at me just staringat that handshake,

just wanting so much for aconnection with my...

-This is what human contactis like. -Hey, this is my shot,

-man. -It's true. -HARDWICK:I'm just glad you're wearing

-the exact same outfitas six months ago. -(laughter)

-Yeah.-(cheers and applause)

HARDWICK:Well, comedians,

this all started becauseof a Walking Dead cliffhanger

that we're all gonnaget closure on this Sunday.

-Uh, we're gonna do a live...-(applause and cheering)

-Oh. -Live Talking Dead from Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

We'll all find out at once.But what's another big reveal

we might getin Sunday's season premiere?

-Adam. -Well, to competewith Westworld,

now you can (bleep) the zombies.

HARDWICK:Oh, that's great!

-That's great. All right.-(applause and cheering)

Just wear a condom if you do.Wear a condom.

-That's how you...-(laughter)

That's how it spreads.

Jonah Ray.

You're gonna find out thatthe timeline of the show starts

after this upcoming election.

-HARDWICK: What?!-Yeah, yeah.

-HARDWICK: Oh, that's crazy.-Oh. -Just shortly after.

-HARDWICK: Makes a lot of sense,though. -When it all goes down.

Robert Kirkman,what can you spoil for us?

After many years of fan demand,

we do full frontal nuditywith Daryl Dickson.

-(whooping and cheering)-But we reveal

that like Chris Hardwick,he has no genitalia.

-HARDWICK: Okay, that's fair.-(laughter and groaning)

-That's fair. That's fair.-(applause and cheering)

Perfect queen-of-everything,

Beyoncé, was finally provenmortal this past weekend,

when her earring ripped outduring a performance,

causing her to emitwhat appears to be human blood.

Uh, she's fine, I think?

She's used to it.Beyoncé blood is what

the Illuminati use to begintheir Christmas parties.

-(laughter)-So she'll be fine.

(applause and cheering)

She'll be fine.

And she finished the concertlike a pro,

but some of the more ferventmembers of the Bae Hive

are showing their solidarityby making themselves bleed...

-(Hardwick laughs) -Oh, no!-(laughter and groaning)

What is our culture?

...with the hashtag#CutForBeyonce.

-Oh, God! -Uh...-(groaning)

This is ridiculous,especially considering

not a single person showedtheir solidarity last year

with the hashtag#WhipYourDickOutForLennyKravitz.

-Nobody.-(laughter)

-(cheers and applause)-There he is. -Ah.

CONOVER:He has known

-struggle, too, you know.-Yeah.

♪ It wants to get away.

(laughter)

Comedians...

It looks like it hurt real bad.

HARDWICK:It... (laughs)

Comedians... what are peopledoing in solidarity

with other musicians?

-Jonah.-Um...

in solidarity,fans of Sublime are sucking.

-HARDWICK: Aw, Jesus Christ.-(laughter)

You know, they hadsome good songs, Jonah.

-No, they didn't.-All right, points.

(laughter)

(Hardwick laughing)

-Adam. -In solidaritywith Keith Richards,

fans are hiding heroinin their walkers.

Now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

This past weekend,Los Angeles took a break

from seeing stars to go collect them,

uh, with the independentgaming festival IndieCade.

It features games playedon a sewing machine,

like this right here,

on a cookie sheet,like that thing there,

proving gamers have transitioned

from Mom's basementto Grandma's kitchen.

-laughter) -Uh, but since thisis still Hollywood,

let's mix those A-B buttonswith some A-list names

with tonight's #HashtagWarVideoGameCelebs.

Examples might be:Portal de Rossi,

and Super Mario Lopez.

It's been right therethe whole time.

In 60 seconds, and begin.

-Jonah.-Richard Geres of War.

-(laughter)-Very good. Points.

-Robert Kirkman.-Resident Evel Knievel.

-Yes, points.-(whooping, applause)

-Adam.-Duma Thurman.

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

-Jonah Ray.-Zach Galagafianakis.

-Yes, very good. Points.-(cheering)

-Adam Conover.-Wario Batali.

-Yes, very good. Points.-(cheering, applause)

-Robert.-Super Street Fighter II Turbo

Gary Busey Editionwith Hyper Fighting.

-Yes, points.-(cheering, applause)

I would play that. Jonah.

The Artist Formerly Knownas Prince of Persia.

-Yes, points.-(whooping, applause)

-Adam Conover.-Donkey Kong Downey Jr.

-Yes, points.-(whooping, applause)

-Jonah.-Glenn Danzig's Punch-Out!

Yes. Points. Adam.

Pokémonica Lewinski.

-Yes, points.-(cheering, applause)

-Kirkman. -Mike Tyson'sMike Tyson's Punch-Out!

(laughter)

Genius. Points. Adam Conover.

You guys rememberthe first boxer of Punch-Out,

Glass Jonah Ray?

Oh, yeah, yeah,Glass Jonah Ray. Yeah.

-Go inside?-Oh!

Dude, you guys remember...some (bleep) Adam?

(laughing)

Two Tales Adventure.

(bleep) you,(bleep) you.

The game you just said was Dumb(bleep) Adam Two?

Yeah.

Tales of what?

Yeah. Put it on the board.

No, you're not...

You're not getting pointsfor that.