Thursday, October 22, 2015

  • 10/22/2015

Brian Posehn, Steve Agee and Ron Funches don Halloween costumes, listen to #SpookyBands and complain about New York City's rat problem.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PULL THE CHEAPLATEX MASK FROM THE FACE OF THE

POLITICAL PROCESS AND TAKE A BIGWHIFF OF THAT PUNGENT, SWEATY,

PLASTIC SMELL.

IT'S PANDERDOME!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)IT'S HARD OUT THERE CAMPAIGNING

FOR PRESIDENT WHEN YOU'RE NOTONE OF THE FRONTRUNNERS.

TAKE, FOR EXAMPLE, TIMID MEN'SWAREHOUSE MANNEQUIN MARTIN

O'MALLEY.

THE MARYLAND GOVERNOR'S HAVINGTROUBLE GETTING POLL NUMBERS

THAT AREN'T FRACTIONS, SO HEWENT ON "THE VIEW" TUESDAY TO

SHOW EVERYONE THAT HE'S MORETHAN JUST A ROBOT.

HE'S A ROBOT THAT CAN PLAYGUITAR!

(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING)>> ♪ NOW WE GOT...

>> ♪ NOW WE GOT PROBLEMSAND NOW WE CAN'T SOLVE THEM

YOU MADE A REALLY DEEP CUT♪ AND BABY

NOW WE GOT BAD BLOOD. ♪HEY!

>> HEY!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: HEY.

"THEY SAID I COULDN'T MAKE THISSHOW MORE UNWATCHABLE.

HEY!"(LAUGHTER)

"I SHOWED THEM...

WITH THE THING I LEARNED FROMGUITARTABSFORSTEPDADS.COM."

UH, NOW THE SING-ALONG OF THEDAMNED, OF COURSE, WAS TAYLOR

SWIFT'S "BAD BLOOD."

AND IF YOU THINK THAT'S BAD,JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE LINCOLN

CHAFEE PLAYING "HOTLINE BLING"ON A KAZOO.

OY!

(LAUGHTER)NOW, GOVERNOR O'MALLEY CLEARLY

DID THIS TO APPEAL TO THEMILLIONS OF TAYLOR SWIFT FANS

OUT THERE.

SO, COMEDIANS, HOW WILL MARTINO'MALLEY TRY TO GET THE SUPPORT

OF ANOTHER POP STAR'S FAN BASE?

RON FUNCHES.

(RON WHOOPS)>> HE'S GONNA REACH OUT TO MILEY

CYRUS'S FAN BASE BY TWERKING UPAGAINST WAYNE COYNE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. PERFECT.

(LAUGHTER)FLAMING LIPS, OF COURSE. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER.

>> HE WILL APPEAL TO DAVEMATTHEWS FANS BY TAKING A DUMP

OFF A BRIDGE ONTO A BOAT FULL OFTOURISTS.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)I GONNA GIVE YOU POINTS TO STEVE

AGEE.

BRIAN POSEHN.

>> WELL, HE'S GONNA APPEAL TOSLAYER FANS BY SHITTING ON A

TAYLOR SWIFT CD AND YELLING,"FUCKIN' SLAYER!"

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)MOVING ON, CANADIAN TEA PARTY

WERE WEASEL TED CRUZ, UH, WHOLOOKS LIKE IF GRANDPA MUNSTER

SOLD HOT TUBS.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)HE'S DONE JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING

HE CAN TO GET PEOPLE TO LIKEHIM.

BUT THERE'S ONE GUY WHO'S JUSTNOT BUYING IT-- FORMER PRESIDENT

AND MONCHICHI WITH A LEARNINGDISABILITY, GEORGE W. BUSH,

WHO...

(LAUGHTER)...JUST FLAT-OUT SAID ABOUT

CRUZ, QUOTE, "I JUST DON'TLIKE THE GUY," DURING A RECENT

FUND-RAISER.

WOW, HARSH, BRO.

I MEAN, BUSH EVEN LIKED DICKCHENEY. COME ON!

(LAUGHTER)SO, COMEDIANS, WHAT WOULD TED

CRUZ DO TO WIN OVER GEORGE W.,OUR FORMER HAYSEED IN CHIEF?

STEVE.

>> HE'LL DO A 9-11.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?!

(LAUGHTER)>> WHOO! FRANKENSTEIN IS

POLITICALLY ACTIVE.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO STEVEAGEE.

UH, THIS WEEK VIRGINIA SENATORJIM WEBB, WHOM YOU MIGHT KNOW AS

"THE GUY WHO KILLED THE GUY,"UH...

(LAUGHTER)TO BE FAIR, HE KILLED THE GUY

WHO TOOK LIEUTENANT DAN'S LEGS.

ALL RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)HE DROPPED OUT OF THE DEMOCRATIC

PRESIDENTIAL RACE BEFORE WE EVENGOT A CHANCE TO KNOW HIM.

SO HERE'S A FEW QUICK FACTSABOUT JIM WEBB.

HE'S ACTUALLY A WAR HERO.

THE MAN IS A DISTINGUISHED NAVYCROSS AND TWO PURPLE HEARTS

EARNER; HE WAS SECRETARY OF THENAVY UNDER REAGAN; AND HE'S A

SUCCESSFUL NOVELIST.

SEEMS LIKE AN IDEALPRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE TO ME.

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE...

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE WHAT KINDOF NOVEL A TRUE WAR HERO WOULD

CRANK OUT, GUYS?

(CHEERING)>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: OF COURSE YOUWOULD.

>> I WOULD.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, WE'RE ALL INFOR A TREAT.

I JUST TURNED TO A RANDOM PAGEHERE.

"HIS MUSCLES WERE YOUNG ANDHARD, BUT HIS FACE WAS

DEVASTATED WITH WRINKLES.

A NAKED BOY RAN HAPPILY TOWARDHIM.

THE MAN GRABBED HIS SON IN HISARM, TURNED HIM UPSIDE DOWN, AND

PUT THE BOY'S PENIS IN HISMOUTH."

WHAT THE FUCK, JIMMY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

WHY!

(LAUGHTER)UH, THAT'S ACTUALLY IN THE BOOK.

WEBB SAID THAT IS SOMETHING HEACTUALLY SAW WHILE WORKING AS A

REPORTER IN THAILAND.

BUT HE'S GOT TO BE THE FIRSTCANDIDATE TO PUBLISH HIS

WRITINGS ON BOYS' PENISES--BESIDES RICK SANTORUM'S LIVE

JOURNAL, I MEAN. UH...

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)SO... COMEDIANS, KNOWING WHAT WE

NOW KNOW ABOUT JIM "STILLWORKING OUT SOME ISSUES" WEBB,

AND SINCE HE'S GOT SOME FREETIME NOW, PLEASE GIVE ME THE

SYNOPSIS OF HIS NEXT BOOK.

RON FUNCHES.

>> WHOO! YOU KNOW THE NATUREBOY'S AN AVID READER, AND HIS

NEXT BOOK IS ABOUT A VIETNAM VETWHO GETS DROPPED BEHIND ENEMY

LINES AND HAS TO FUCK HIS WAYOUT.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)IT'S CALLED "BEHIND ENEMY

BEHINDS."

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

(WHOOPING)MR. AGEE.

>> IT'S ABOUT A MAN WHO FELLATESHIS WAY OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL

RUNNING.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: HOW WOULD THAT...

HOW WOULD THAT GET YOU OUT OFTHE...

ALL RIGHT, POINTS TO STEVE AGEE.

BRIAN POSEHN.

>> WELL, CHRIS, IT'S ABOUT APUPPY WHO THINKS A BALLOON IS

HIS MOM.

AND ALSO, THE PUPPY LOVES BOYDICK.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS TO THAT.

>> WHOO! AUDIENCE IFFY ON "BOYDICK," MEAN GENE.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, WHISTLING)I ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD TO

HALLOWEEN, BECAUSE IT'S THE ONETIME OF YEAR PEOPLE DON'T LOOK

AT ME WEIRD WHEN I DRIVE AROUNDBLASTING THE "MONSTER MASH."

TO CELEBRATE THIS-- IT'S GOODOTHER TIMES OF THE YEAR, YOU

GUYS.

(LAUGHTER)TO CELEBRATE THE MUSIC OF THIS

HAUNTED HOLIDAY, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS: SPOOKYBANDS.

SPOOKYBANDS!

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE LL GHOUL J, ORTHE RED HOT CREEPY CRAWLERS, AND

(EERIE MOANING): U-2.....!

UH, I... THANK YOU. UH...

(LAUGHTER)I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, STARTING NOW.

STEVE.

>> FIONA RAZOR BLADE APPLE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RON FUNCHES.

>> NWA. THAT'S NECROMANCERS WITHATTITUDE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(WHOOPING)BRIAN POSEHN.

>> PANTERA-FYING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS ABOUTTHAT SERIAL KILLER IN YOUR

NEIGHBORHOOD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BRIAN POSEHN.

>> THE PET SEMATARY BOYS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RON FUNCHES.

(LAUGHING)>> WEREWOLVES VERSUS VAMPIRE

WEEKEND.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> DIE ANTWOORD, I SAID DIE!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RON.

>> THE BOO-TANG CLAN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> MELTIN' JOHN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BRIAN POSEHN.

>> DEAD SHEERAN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> SERIOUSLY, KILL ED SHEERAN.

>> HARDWICK: NO, DON'T.

(LAUGHTER)UH, STEVE.

>> B-B-B-B.B. KING.

>> HARDWICK: OH, GOD.

(LAUGHTER)(HARDWICK GROANS)

(LAUGHTER, SHOUTS)

SWEET EMOJI:HALLOWEEN EDITION.

(THUNDER CRASHING)OH...

OH...

OOH...

>> OOH, IT'S BLINKING.

>> HARDWICK: I'M HAVING ASEIZURE LIKE I'M WATCHING A

JAPANESE CARTOON...!

EMOJI AREN'T JUST FOR LETTINGYOUR BAE KNOW YOU WANT TO PEACH

HER BANANA.

THEY CAN ALSO BE USED TO WEAVETAILS OF HORROR MORE

BONE-CHILLING THAN A POOP THATSMILES.

COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU ASERIES OF SPOOKY EMOJI, AND FOR

250 POINTS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TOTRANSLATE IT INTO A SCARY STORY.

ALL RIGHT. FIRST ONE.

SPIN IT!

OH... WHOA... CHILLING.

STEVE AGEE.

>> YOU GUYS... I JUST HEARDABOUT THIS NEW, HOT, GRAY CORN.

OH-HO-HO-HO-HO.

(LAUGHTER)FOR REAL, YOU GUYS.

>> HARDWICK: NO, STOP.

NO POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> BUT IT'S GRAY... CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: GREY EQUALS ZERO.

>> OOH...

FIRE BAD!

>> HARDWICK: AW, MAN.

ALL RIGHT.

I GOT TO GIVE YOU POINTS FOR"FIRE BAD".

RON FUNCHES.

>> (WHOOPS) CHRIS, THIS IS THETERRIFYING TALE OF THE TIME I

WENT TO AREA 51 WITH CORN AND WEHAD A KARAOKE CONTEST AND WE

BURNED THAT PLACE TO THE GROUND.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS, RON FUNCHES FLAIR.

>> (WHOOPS)>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, NEXT UP.

SWEEP, SWEEP, SWEEP, SWEEP.

RON FUNCHES.

>> (WHOOPS)THIS IS THE TERRIFYING TALE

ABOUT THE TIME MY PENIS WENTFROM A SHRIMP TO A EGGPLANT WHEN

I WAS WATCHING THE SPIDER-MANMOVIE.

OOH.

I HAD A LOT OF EXPLAINING TOMYSELF TO DO.

>> HARDWICK: UH, OKAY, I'M JUSTCURIOUS-- WHICH SERIES, WHICH

FILM?

>> IT WAS THE LATEST, SO IT WASREALLY... I DON'T KNOW HOW TO

EXPLAIN IT.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NO, THAT'S...

ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

STEVE AGEE.

>> YOU GUYS, I FUCKED A SHORT,BLIND PERSON AND I USED A

SPIDERWEB AS A CONDOM.

OOH!

>> HARDWICK: NOT A BAD IDEA.

THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

BRIAN POSEHN.

>> THE PORN REBOOT OF SPIDER-MANHAS A LOT WEIRD-SHAPED DICKS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> OOH.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S, UH,KNOBGOBLIN.

>> (WHOOPS)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, NEXT

ONE.

>> THAT'S A GOOD ONE, GIOVANNI.

>> HARDWICK: THANK YOU.

NEXT ONE.

OH!

OH, MY GOD, FIVE KIDS, THAT'SFUCKING TERRIFYING.

UH, STEVE.

>> YOU GUYS...

YOU GUYS, I JUST SAW FIVEBODILESS BABIES.

OOH.

GREY CORN.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

UGH.

>> THEY HAD NO BODIES, CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS,DAD.

BRIAN.

>> I'M GONNA GET SO RICH SELLINGTHESE BABIES ON THE DARK WEB.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

RON FUNCHES.

>> OH, THIS IS THE TERRIFYINGTALE OF A WEEKEND IN '88 WHERE I

FATHERED FIVE CHILDREN IN FOURDAYS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS TO RON FLAIR.

LAST ONE, LAST ONE.

SWEEP, SWEEP, SWEEP, SWEEP.

ALL RIGHT, THERE WE GO.

RON FUNCHES.

>> OH, YOU'RE A DEAD MAN.

YOU'RE GONNA WISH YOU WERE ALADY STRUCK BY LIGHTNING, JAKE

THE SNAKE, WHEN I PUT YOU IN MYSLEEPER HOLD.

>> HARDWICK: OH, VERYWELL-PLAYED.

>> (WHOOPS)>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO RON

FUNCHES.

STEVE.

>> YOU GUYS...

>> (WHOOPS)>> THIS IS TRUE: MY GIRLFRIEND

WAS KILLED BY AN ELECTRIC EELWHILE I WAS SLEEPING.

I... I TOLD HERE THAT BRIGHTPINK BIKINI WOULD MAKE HER AN

EASY TARGET, BUT SHE DIDN'TLISTEN.

>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD.

>> AND SHE HAD CRAMPS FROMEATING GREY CORN.

CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH?

ARE YOU DONE?

IT'S ALMOST NEXT HALLOWEEN.

>> OOH.

>> HARDWICK: I LIKE... I LIKEHOW YOU'RE USING FRANKENSTEIN'S

MONSTER'S SIGNATURE CATCHPHRASE,"YOU GUYS" OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

BEFORE THE BREAK I ASKED YOU TOTELL US HOW BAD THE RAT CRISIS

IS LIKE A CLASSIC NEW YORKERWOULD.

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU CAME UPWITH.

STEVE AGEE, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> YEAH, THE RAT CRISIS IS SOBAD THE HOOKERS IN TIMES SQUARE

HAVE STARTED PUTTING SNAP TRAPSIN THEIR PUSSIES.

THEIR PUSSIES.

>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD.

>> AM I RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: ARE YOU DONEMUGGING YET, FRANKENSTEIN'S

MONSTER?

>> UH, IT'S FRANKENSEINFELD.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NO!

THAT WOULD BE AN AMAZINGCOSTUME!

UH, RON FUNCHES.

>> (WHOOPS)THE RAT PROBLEM IN NEW YORK IS

SO BAD.

I TRIED TO GO TO CHUCK E. CHEESELAST WEEK, AND THAT NIGGA HAD IT

CLOSED FOR A FAMILY REUNION.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

(FUNCHES WHOOPS)BRIAN POSEHN.

>> WITH ALL THESE RATS, THERE'SSO MUCH BUBONIC PLAGUE ON THE

SUBWAY.

IT MAKES ME WISH WE COULD GOBACK TO WHEN TRAINS WERE JUST

FILLED WITH AIDS.

(GROANING, LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, SPATCHAT.

SPAT CHAT.

THE GREAT PART ABOUT PLAYING AGAME LIKE HALO 5: GUARDIANS

ONLINE IS YOU GET TO COMPETEAGAINST REAL PEOPLE.

♪ (GUNFIRE)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)YEAH.

(FUNCHES WHOOPS)THAT-THAT WAS ME DOING ALL THAT

SHIT.

UH...

UNFORTUNATELY, SOMETIMES YOUROPPONENT TRIES TO THROW YOUR

GAME OFF BY GIVING YOU BADADVICE OR QUESTIONING YOUR

MOTHER'S MORAL CHARACTER.

SO, COMEDIANS, STRAP ON YOURHALO HEADSETS AND SAY SOME

THINGS YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO HEARWHILE PLAYING HALO 5: GUARDIANS

ONLINE.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)FUNCHES.

>> (WHOOPS) UH, WHILE WE'RE DONEPLAYIN', I ACTUALLY JUST WANTED

TO LET YOU KNOW, THIS IS HILLARYCLINTON AND I JUST WANTED TO

KNOW WHO YOU WERE GONNA VOTEFOR.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)STEVE.

>> I FARTED SO BAD YOUR EARSWILL SMELL IT IN THREE, TWO...

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)BRIAN POSEHN.

>> HEY, IT'S ME, THE GUY THATJUST BEAT YOU.

I WAS BORN IN 2003.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)BRIAN POSEHN AGAIN.

>> SIR, THIS IS THE POLICE.

THE ASS-KICKING IS COMING FROMINSIDE THE HOUSE.

>> HARDWICK: UH, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)STEVE.

>> IT'S YOUR FATHER.

YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE GETTING ADIVORCE.

ALSO, NO SPAWN CAMPING.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.