Stolen Phone

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 02/26/2014

Abbi and Ilana travel to all of their least favorite parts of New York City in search of Abbi's stolen phone, and Ilana hooks up with a guy who's in a terrible improv group.

Oh, my goodness.

This dude Brian NicholeraI went to high school with

just friended me,he just moved here.Oh, my God.

People from high schoolonly friend you, like,

after business hoursif they wanna hook up.

Really? I had a hugecrush on him.

Oh, you shouldask him out.I can't just do that.

Oh, my God,he "likes" "Roseanne."

Okay, this is--

This is your newsexual partner.

All right,I'm asking him out.

I'm just gonna do it.Do it.

This is so great.

Like, why are we waiting forguys to come to us, Ilana?

Did Amelia Earhartwait to be

asked to flyaround the world?

Definitely not.

She asked.

And then theysaid no.

But she still did it.

And she died, but she,like, died doing it.


I'm doing it again,I'm asking someone else out.

This is the Abbi I loveand fell in love with

and I'm obsessed with.

Skylar Cummings-Conkelmann,

I used to babysitfor him.

He was adorable.


Yeah, he's 20,that's acceptable.

Troy Megliarino.

He spent a hot sec in jail,but he lives in South Jersey

and I know he'd steal a carand come up for the night.

Chris Wazcyleski,he was a nude model

in my life drawingclass and he, like,

always angledhimself out to me.

Chad Michael Fong.

We met at a hardware store,he was disgusting.

You know, I'm picking allwhite dudes right now.

I must be cravingpink dick.

I'm gonnago with this.

(Abbi)Okay, who else,who else?

Henry Rowdenbush, had a unibrowall through middle school

and then he started waxing itand all of a sudden it was like,

glasses off, you're(bleep) gorgeous.

It's like"She's All That."

I feel like I'm oncoke right now.

P.J. Mallory.

Bobby Cornhauser.

Johnny Fissinger.Danny McCarrow.

Ryan Long.

Rod White.

We are, like, feministheroes right now.

So, okay,that's 36 guys

that we've been rejectedby and one lady.

Okay, so what, dude?You know what?

The Internetis so '90s.

Let's go findsome guys IRL.

You know, you can justsay "in real life."

It's the same numberof syllables.

Hey, where at you?

I'm at thatdog shelter.

Lincoln, justget a dog.

Ilana, I can'tinflict upon a dog

the crazy lifeof a dentist.

Anyway, Abbi's not pickingup any of her calls,

so I'm prettysure she's dead.

I need you to be my eyes and ears here.

Stay on the local news, theyonly cover rapes and murders.

She didn't even say"bye, Lincoln."

That takesone more second.

People have no phoneetiquette these days.


Oh, my God.Oh, my God.

What?You wouldn't pickup your phone.

I thought yougot SVU'd.

No, dude, I'm fine,I just lost my phone.

Remember that hotdude at the bar?

He was supposed to text me,so now, I'm, like,

never gonna hearfrom him again.

Oh, my God.

You should usethe FindMyPhone app.

I watch myself run aroundthe city all the time on it.

Oh, okay, well,we'll just do that.

There's my phone,I knew it was stolen.

Ugh.Okay, it's in Harlem.

Great, let's gotrack it down.

No, wait, wait, wait,it's moving south.

It's in theUpper East Side.Oh, dude.

I-- I don't wantto go there.Must we?

My son-in-law'ssuch a disgrace.

He went to Cornell.

I'm fine with the tsunami,but not in St. Bart's.

Anywhere elseis fine.

It's the tenth horsethat died this year.

That's ten horsesI've had to replace.

Why does anybodycome up here?

It is a horrible,vapid wasteland.

Um, excuse me,where's the Met?

Oh, right down here,you make a right.

Yeah, you can'tmiss it.Thank you.

Dude, I-- I thoughthe was in a band.

I didn't know this wasgonna be, like an improv show.

Yeah, me too,I don't know.

What's hotter than a pinkdick with a sense of humor?

I mean, a blackdick, but...

You know that you're soanti-racist sometimes

that you're actuallyreally racist?


(man)All right, thankyou all for coming.

We are Statutory Crepe.

Everything you're about tosee will be fully improvised.

All we need to getstarted is one word.

(man)Eggroll!I heard "eggroll."


Mom.Yes, son?

I need to talk toyou about my penis.

Yes, son?

I love answering questionsabout penises,

even thoughI have a vagina!

Ha ha ha!

How much forthis shirt?I can--

One million dollars.

I'm embarrassedthat I'm here.

I'm embarrassed thathe was inside of me.

(animal noises)

I'm not watchingthis by myself, get--

(Ilana)You should comedown here.

Sit in your seat,you brought me here.

Oh, my God.


We're gonna takea quick break and be back

with another hour ofStatutory Crepe!


(Ilana)Oh, my God, that was theworst thing I've ever seen.

I feel like I'vebeen hate-crimed.

Oh, my God!The dot's back!

(Abbi)Ew, it's stillin Times Square!

I bet the freakwas seeing a play

and turned itoff to be polite.

Oh, my God, dude.

Times Square,Central Park?

Upper East Side,means it's a tourist.


The dot's movingdown Eighth Ave.

What tourist spotis down there?

I don't know, butlet's get out of here

before Jerry Lewissees you again.

(Ilana)Oh, my God, oh!

I've beenpulled back in.

It's too-- I can't--I can't not.

I can't say no.

Okay, you go withDr. Evil, because

I just figured out wherethe thief took my phone,

the last placeevery tourist goes.

The airport?No, not--

Not literallythe last place.

Magnolia Bakery.

Right, right,right, right.Right?

Yeah, do it.Okay, I'm going.

Get your hot piece.All right, I'm going.

Get it.


Oh! Oh.