Comedy Central Presents
Season 6

CC Presents: Lewis Black (2002)

  • Season 6, Ep 1
  • 04/21/2002

Lewis Black produces a soothing panacea of rage for confronting the 21st century and its terrors.

LEWIS>> YOU-- YOU--

YOU GUYS ARE WAY TOO EXCITED.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THAT PUTS A LOT OF PRESSURE

ON ME AND I DON'T RESPOND WELL

TO PRESSURE!

(LAUGHTER)

I WATCHED THE, AH,

THE SUPER BOWL AGAIN THIS YEAR

BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT.

(LAUGHTER)

I'VE WATCHED, UH,

EVERY SUPER BOWL.

AND I'VE WATCHED EVERY

SUPER BOWL BECAUSE

I HAVE NO RELIGION.

AND I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT

FOR MEN TO HAVE A RITUAL, AND

THE SUPER BOWL IS ON ONCE A YEAR

ON SUNDAY, SO AT LEAST I'M

TRYING.

I HAVE NO RELIGION BECAUSE

I WAS BORN AND RAISED JEWISH.

AND ON THE FIRST NIGHT OF

CHANUKAH, MY PARENTS WHEN I WAS

VERY YOUNG GAVE ME A TOP

TO PLAY WITH.

THEY CALLED IT A DRADLE...

I KNEW IT WAS A TOP.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND AS I LOOKED AT THAT TOP,

I SAID, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK

I'M GOING TO BE JEWISH

FOR VERY LONG.

(LAUGHTER)

THE SUPER BOWL THIS YEAR

WAS KIND OF INTERESTING BECAUSE

THEY RAN THREE AND A HALF,

FOUR HOUR'S OF A SALUTE

TO AMERICA BROUGHT TO US

BY THE NFL.

SO BY THE TIME THEY WERE KICKING

OFF, I WAS ACTUALLY SICK OF

FREEDOM.

(LAUGHTER)

I PINED TO BE ENSLAVED!

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

BUT LAST YEARS' SUPER BOWL

WAS HISTORIC.

BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,

I SPENT THE FIRST SIX MINUTES

WATCHING THIS GAME, THEY WENT

TO FOUR MINUTES OF COMMERCIALS,

THEY CAME BACK...

I FORGOT WHO WAS PLAYING.

(LAUGHTER)

AND SOME OF THE COMMERCIALS

ARE SPECTACULAR.

THEY'RE EXTRAORDINARY,

THERE LIKE MYSTERY STORIES.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY'RE

SELLING UNTIL THE VERY END.

(LAUGHTER)

THREE RABBITS ARE ON A LOG

AND ONE OF THEM GOES HOME

AND HANGS HIMSELF...

"BUY A BIKE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

PEPSI RAN AN AD AT

THE LAST SUPER BOWL THAT WAS

THE MOST PSYCHOTIC AD I'VE EVER

SEEN.

THE AD WAS STARRING

BRITENY SPEARS.

SHE CAME OUT AND SHE WAS SINGING

ABOUT PEPSI.

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE WAS

SINGING CAUSE SHE CAN'T SING!

(WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE)

SO THE MESSAGE YOU GOT WAS,

"TITTY, TITTY, TITTY,

ASS, ASS, ASS, TITTY, TITTY,

ASS, ASS, ASS, MORE ASS,

TITTY, TITTY, TITTY, TITTY,

ASS, ASS, ASS, TITTY TITTY,

ASS, ASS."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND HALFTIME AT THE SUPER BOWL

IS THE BEST.

BECAUSE HALFTIME AT

THE SUPER BOWL AS GOTTEN

EXPONENTIALLY WORSE EVERY YEAR.

I USE THE WORD EXPONENTIALLY

BECAUSE I WAS TAUGHT IT

IN A MATH CLASS.

AND THAT WAS THE FIRST SENTENCE

I COULD USE IT IN.

EXPONENTIALLY WORSE MEANS:

CRAPPIER AND CRAPPIER

AND CRAPPIER.

(LAUGHTER)

LAST YEAR THE HALF-TIME SHOW

WAS PRESENTED BY MTV.

'CAUSE WHEN I THINK MUSIC,

OH, YEAH, I THINK MTV.

THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE

EVERYTHING THEY COULD IN

MY LIFE TIME TO DESTROY MUSIC

AS I KNOW IT.

AND IN CASE YOU DON'T REALIZE

IT, MTV IS TO MUSIC AS KFC

IS TO CHICKEN!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO WHO DOES MTV GET TO PLAY

AT HALFTIME?

THEY GET 'N SYNC.

SURE, BECAUSE WHEN I THINK

FOOTBALL, I THINK 'N SYNC.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND IT WAS INTERESTING 'CAUSE

I HAD NEVER HEARD 'N SYNC PLAY

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY

COME ON, I LIKE TO TAKE A PENCIL

AND SHOVE IT IN MY EAR.

AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH

FOR A HALF-TIME SHOW BUT, NO,

QUITE SHORTLY THEREAFTER

THEY'RE JOINED BY AEROSMITH.

I HAVE 'N SYNC AND AEROSMITH.

AND I AM CONFUSED.

(LAUGHTER)

'N SYNC AND AEROSMITH

ARE TWO BANDS THAT SHOULDN'T BE

IN THE SAME STATE AT THE SAME

TIME.

SO IN-SYNC AND AEROSMITH BEGAN

TO PLAY BUT WHAT THEY PLAYED

WAS NOT MUSIC.

WHAT YOU HEARD WAS THE SOUND OF

CHAOS.

I KNOW THAT SOUNDS STRANGE,

BUT IT'S TRUE.

BECAUSE I COULD HEAR THE SOUNDS

OF PIGS BEING SLAUGHTERED.

AND WOMEN WERE WEEPING AND

MEN WERE GNASHING THEIR TEETH.

I HEARD SOUNDS THAT WERE

SO HORRIBLE, IF I WERE TO REPEAT

THEM TO YOU, YOU WOULD FLEE

FROM THIS ROOM IN HORROR!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, I THOUGHT, THIS HAS GOT

TO BE OVER SOON.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING

THIS HALF-TIME SHOW SINCE I WAS

ELEVEN YEARS OLD.

BUT, NO, THE BOYS ARE JOINED BY

BRITENY SPEARS.

I HAVE 'N SYNC AND AEROSMITH

AND BRITENY SPEARS.

I HAVE A TRIFECTA FROM HELL.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT I WAS LUCKY BECAUSE I HAD

A SPOON IN MY HAND...

AND I SHOVED IT UP MY ASS.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YOU MAY BE WONDERING WHY?

TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM

THE PAIN.

BECAUSE IF I'M GONNA HURT THAT

MUCH, I'M GONNA DO IT TO MYSELF.

(LAUGHTER)

OPRAH CALLS THAT EMPOWERMENT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AT THE SUPER BOWL THAT SANTA

DIDN'T LAND AND THAT WE JUST

STARTED CHRISTMAS AGAIN.

I WILL TELL YOU THAT

YOU CHRISTIANS HAVE CREATED A

HOLIDAY THAT HAS BECOME A BEAST

THAT CANNOT BE FED.

EVERY YEAR CHRISTMAS GETS

LONGER AND LONGER AND LONGER

AND YOU DON'T CARE DO YOU?

YOU JUST TAKE MORE AND MORE

OF THE CALENDAR FOR YOURSELF.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU PEOPLE

TO SHOP?

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S BEYOND BELIEF!

IT'S INSANE!

WHEN I WAS A KID, HALLOWEEN WAS

HALLOWEEN AND SANTA WASN'T

POKING HIS ASS INTO IT!

(LAUGHTER)

THE WORST THING ABOUT HALLOWEEN

IS OF COURSE, CANDY CORN.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE TO ME.

CANDY CORN IS THE ONLY CANDY

IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICA

THAT'S NEVER BEEN ADVERTISED.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THERE'S A REASON.

ALL OF THE CANDY CORN THAT WAS

EVER MADE WAS MADE IN 1911.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND SO SINCE NOBODY EATS

THAT STUFF, EVERY YEAR THERE'S

A TON OF IT LEFT OVER AND

THE CANDY CORN COMPANY SENDS

THE GUYS TO THE VILLAGES

AND THEY COLLECT OUT OF THE

DUMPSTERS ALL THE CANDY CORN

WE'VE THROWN AWAY.

THEY WASH IT!

THEY WASH IT!

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL NEVER FORGET THE FIRST TIME

MY MOTHER GAVE ME CANDY CORN,

SHE SAID, "HERE, LEWIS,

THIS IS CANDY CORN.

IT'S CORN THAT TASTES LIKE

CANDY."

(CRIES OUTS)

(LAUGHTER)

THIS TASTES LIKE CRAP!

AND EVERY YEAR SINCE THEN

HALLOWEEN HAS RETURNED AN EYE

LIKE AN ALZHEIMER'S PATIENT.

FIND MYSELF IN A ROOM AND

HE ROOM HAS A TABLE IN IT,

AND ON THE TABLE IS A BOWL OF

CANDY CORN.

AND I LOOK AT IT AS I'VE NEVER

SEEN IT BEFORE.

(LAUGHTER)

CANDY CORN I THINK...

CORN THAT TASTES LIKE CANDY.

I CAN WAIT!

SON OF A BITCH!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THANKSGIVING USED TO BETHANKSGIVING AND IT WAS IT'S OWN

HOLIDAY.

NOT "CHRISTMAS PART ONE."

(LAUGHTER)WHEN I WAS A KID, YOU ATE

AND YOU DRANK AND YOU PASSED OUTAND NOBODY WOKE YOU UP AND SAID

"LET'S GO SHOPPING!"BUT CHRISTMAS HAS GOTTEN OUT OF

CONTROL.

BUT WHEN I WAS A KID I WANTED TOCELEBRATE IT BUT I COULDN'T...

BECAUSE I'M JEWISH.

BUT WHEN YOU COMPARE CHRISTMASTO CHANUKAH THERE'S NO

COMPARISON.

CHRISTMAS IS GREAT...

CHANUKAH SUCKS!

(LAUGHTER)HOW DO WE CELEBRATE CHANUKAH?

WE CELEBRATE IT WITH CANDLES,LITTLE TINY PISS ANT CANDLES.

YOU CHRISTIANS ON CHRISTMAS,SANTA COMES AND HE BRINGS A TON

OF STUFF, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

IT'S EXTRAORDINARY.

I GO NEXT DOOR TO SEEMY BEST CHRISTIAN PALS,

I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

AND THE WHOLE HOUSE IS FILLEDWITH BOXES, IT'S LIKE A

WAREHOUSE.

AND OUT BACK THERE'S SIX PONIES.

SIX!

"WE WERE GONNA BUY PRINCESS ONEBUT WE LOVED ALL OF THEM.

HA-HA, MERRY CHRISTMAS!"(LAUGHTER)

PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT CHANUKAHIS CELEBRATED FOR EIGHT DAYS.

AND THAT'S A LIAR, LIAR PANTSON FIRE SITUATION.

MOST JEWISH FAMILIES DON'T MAKEIT PAST THE FOURTH DAY.

IT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

"COME ON, HARVEY, AREN'T WEGONNA LIGHT THE LIGHTS?"

"EH, NO, ENOUGH'S ENOUGH."

(LAUGHTER)FIRST NIGHT YOU GET SOCKS,

SECOND NIGHT AN ERASER,A NOTEBOOK...

IT'S A BACK TO SCHOOL HOLIDAY!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I MADE AND EXTRAORDINARY

DISCOVERY.

YOU KNOW, FROM THE BEGINNING

OF TIME, MAN HAS LOOKED AT

THE HEAVENS AND TRULY BELIEVES

THAT THE UNIVERSE ENDS OUT

IN SPACE.

WELL, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I'VE SEEN THE END OF

THE UNIVERSE AND HAPPENS TO BE

IN THE UNITED STATES AND ODDLY

ENOUGH...

IT'S IN HOUSTON TEXAS.

I KNOW.

I WAS SHOCKED, TOO.

(LAUGHTER)

IMAGINE MY SURPRISE WHEN I LEFT

THE COMEDY CLUB ONE DAY AND

WALKED TO THE END OF THE BLOCK,

AND THERE ON ONE CORNER

WAS A STARBUCKS AND ACROSS

THE STREET FROM THAT STARBUCKS,

IN THE EXACT SAME BUILDING

AS THAT STARBUCKS...

THERE WAS A STARBUCKS.

(LAUGHTER)

I LOOKED BACK AND FORTH,

THINKING THE SUN WAS PLAYING

TRICKS WITH MY EYES.

BUT THERE WAS A STARBUCKS

ACROSS FORM A STARBUCKS.

AND THAT MY FRIENDS,

IS THE END OF THE UNIVERSE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

PEOPLE SAY "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

AND I SAY, "GO THERE."

STAND BETWEEN THOSE TWO

STARBUCKS LOOK AT YOUR WATCH.

TIME STANDS STILL.

AND IF YOU LOOK THIS WAY,

AND LOOK AT ONLY THE ONE

STARBUCKS, IMMEDIATELY

YOU THINK, WHEN I TURN AROUND

THERE CAN'T POSSIBLY BE A

STARBUCKS BEHIND ME.

NOBODY COULD BE THAT STUPID.

AND IF THERE WAS A JUST

AND LOVING GOD, HE WOULDN'T

ALLOW THIS KIND OF THING

TO HAPPEN.

SO YOU TURN SLOWLY,

THINKING YOU'LL SEE A DENNY'S

OR A GAP OR A MOBIL STATION.

AND THERE'S A STARBUCKS!

(LAUGHTER)

PEOPLE HAVE ASKED IF THERE ARE

TOO MANY STARBUCKS.

NOW WE KNOW.

WHEN YOU BUILD A STARBUCKS

ACROSS FORM A STARBUCKS

THAT'S IT, GAME OVER.

WHAT GROUP OF PEOPLE WOULD NEED

THE SERVICE OF A STARBUCKS...

ACROSS FROM A STARBUCKS?

I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS

LONG AND HARD.

AND THERE'S ONLY ONE GROUP

OF PEOPLE AND THERE THE ONLY

GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT MAKE THIS

JOKE OF MINE WORK.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THAT'S PEOPLE WITH

ALZHEIMER'S.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT HAS TO BE A GROUP OF PEOPLE

WHO CAN DRINK COFFEE ALL DAY

IN A STARBUCKS AND THEN

WALK ACROSS THE FLOOR AND

OPEN THE DOOR.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

"GENTLEMEN, DO MY EYES DECEIVE

ME?

I BELIEVE THAT'S A STARBUCKS.

I THINK IT'S TIME WE HAD A CUP

OF JOE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

LEWIS BLACK>> PEOPLE SNAPPED

AFTER SEPTEMBER 11th.

THE ONE WHO TRULY SNAPPED,

THE LEADER OF SNAP, WAS

JERRY FALWELL.

JERRY FALWELL WAS CRAZY BEFORE

AND IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT,

I'D LIKE YOU TO WEAR ALUMINUM

FOIL SO WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND JERRY FALWELL SAID THAT THE

REASON SEPTEMBER 11th HAPPENED,

THE REASON THAT GOD ALLOWED IT

TO HAPPEN, WAS BECAUSE OF

CERTAIN PEOPLE IN OUR COUNTRY.

PEOPLE LIKE, AND I'M QUOTING,

"THE PAGANS" WHICH IS A

MOTORCYCLE GROUP.

(LAUGHTER)

FEMINISTS.

HE BROUGHT UP FEMINISTS.

HE USED THE WORD EVEN.

GOD I THOUGHT I HAVEN'T HEARD

THAT WORD IN A WHILE.

DID HE REALLY THINK IT WAS

FEMINISTS?

IS THAT WHAT UPSET GOD?

THAT WOMEN, A NUMBER OF

YEARS AGO, DECIDED TO LEAVE

THE KITCHEN AND GO INTO THE

WORKPLACE AND DEMAND EQUAL WAGES

AND DEMAND POWER EQUAL TO A MAN?

THAT'S WHAT UPSET GOD?

THAT GOD LOOKED DOWN INTO THE

KITCHEN AND THERE WAS NOT A STEW

ON THE OVEN.

AND THE SPICE RACK WAS IN

DISARRAY AND HE SAID,

"I WILL SMOKE THEM!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT,

HE SAID THAT GOD HAD ACTUALLY

TALKED TO HIM AND SAID

THESE WERE THE PEOPLE,

THAT WAS THE REASON.

IT WAS THOSE PEOPLE AND THAT WAS

WHY GOD ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN.

AND I THOUGHT WELL THAT'S ODD

BECAUSE GOD HAD CALLED ME

TWELVE HOURS BEFORE...

(LAUGHTER)

AND HE SAID THE REASON THAT HE

WAS UPSET WAS BECAUSE OF PEOPLE

LIKE JERRY FALWELL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF I LEARNED ANYTHING FROM

SEPTEMBER 11th, IT WAS THAT

I SURVIVED TRAUMA THROUGH

MY SENSE OF HUMOR,

THAT'S HOW I DEAL WITH IT.

THAT'S HOW IT WORKS FOR ME.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE LUCKY

BECAUSE THEY HAVE RELIGION, BUT

I HAD A DRADLE SO THAT WAS OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN OF COURSE THERE'S

PATRIOTISM.

WHICH I THINK IS GOOD

IN A LOT OF WAYS EXCEPT FOR A

THREE AN HALF HOUR CHUNK BEFORE

THE SUPER BOWL!

(LAUGHTER)

BUT PATRIOTISM AND RELIGION ARE

ONLY GOOD AND ONLY IN BALANCE

WHEN THEY HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

AND WHEN THEY DON'T,

THINGS GO AWRY.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS LOOK AT OUR

ENEMY.

THAT'S A GROUP THAT DOES NOT

HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.

THAT'S A GROUP THAT IS JUST

SNAPPED.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU DON'T LAUGH.

YOU GET ALL WOUND UP IN WHAT

YOU'RE BELIEVING IN AND NOBODY'S

GOING HA-HA, AND YOU'RE SCREWED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BUT YOU CAN'T DENY THE FAITH

OF THESE PEOPLE THAT WE FIGHT,

IT'S ABSOLUTE.

THEY BELIEVE THAT IF THEY KILL

THEMSELVES, THEY WILL BE MET

IN HEAVEN BY SEVENTY SOME ODD

VIRGINS.

IMAGINE THAT KIND OF FAITH,

TO THINK THAT THAT WOULD HAPPEN.

WHEN I HAVEN'T MET ONE ON EARTH!

YOU GUYS, I ADORE YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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