The Amazing Johnathan: Wrong on Every Level

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 11/18/2006

The Amazing Johnathan and Psychic Tanya perform illusions with the help of audience volunteers.

Announcer: AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME

THE AMAZING JOHNATHAN.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

PLEASE, SIT DOWN EVERYONE.

OW!

WELCOME TO THE HUDSON THEATER AND OUR COMEDY CENTRAL SPECIAL.

THAT'S TJ, HE'S AN ASS-[BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

I GOTTA TELL YOUWHAT HE JUST DID TO ME.YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS.

SO WE LIKE PRACTICAL JOKES BACKSTAGE.

WE'VE BEEN DOING 'EM ALL DAY LONG WITH THE CREW 'CAUSE THEY'RE COOL.

HE JUST BURNED ME SO GOOD ON A PRACTICAL JOKE.

HE'S BACK THERE FREAKIN' OUT A SECOND AGO ABOUT SOMETHING.

AND I'M LIKE, "TJ, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?"

SO HE SPINS AROUND TO FACE ME AND HE'S GOT HIS [BLEEP] CAUGHT

- IN THE CAP OF A BIC PEN. - [LAUGHTER]

I KNOW, BUT WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

THE JOKE'S ON ME HERE.'CAUSE IT WASN'T CAUGHT,

THERE WAS PLENTY OF ROOM. AND I'M LIKE AHHHH,

I CAN'T BELIEVEI FELL FOR THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU GUYS HAVE SEEN ANY OF THEOTHER COMEDY CENTRAL SPECIALS,

THEN YOU KNOW MY ASSISTANT,PSYCHIC TANYA,

WHO ON THE WAY TO THE THEATER JUST NOW WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

NOTHING SERIOUS UNFORTUNATELY--

[LAUGHTER]

SHE SWERVED TO AVOID A PINE TREE IS HER STORY.

AND THEN SAW ANOTHER PINE TREE AND SWERVED.

AND THEN ANOTHER ONE, THEN ANOTHER ONE.

AND THEN THE CAR ROLLED INTO A DITCH. AS IT TURNS OUT,

IT WAS THE AIR FRESHENER HANGING FROM HER REARVIEW MIRROR.

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S GIVE HER A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,PSYCHIC TANYA.

[CHEERS, MUSIC & APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

LOOK WHO'S IN HER OWN LITTLE WORLD.

- [CLAPS TWICE] - LAND THE SPACECRAFT.

[LAUGHTER]

- WELCOME TO EARTH. YOU ALL RIGHT? - NO.

- I HEARD ABOUT YOUR ACCIDENT. - YEAH. I GOT HURT.

- I KNOW. I HEARD ALL ABOUT IT. - YEAH.

- WHERE DID YOU GET HURT? - I GOT HURT THERE-- OW!

AND THERE-- OW!AND THERE, OW!

YEAH, YOU WANNA TRY MY SHOULDER JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT PLEASE?

OW!YEAH, YOU GOT ABROKEN FINGER YOU IDIOT.

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT.

ARE YOU A DOCTOR? NO, I'M NOT. I'M JUST NOT AN IDIOT.

[WHINEY LAUGH] SO TANY--

I'LL MAKE IT RANDOM--YEAH RANDOMLY--SHE DOES IT EVERY NIGHT.

SHE DOES A GREAT JOB. HOWEVER YOU WANNA PICK 'EM.

SO IF SHE PICKS YOU, JUST COME UP.

DON'T GIVE HERANY GRIEF OF ANYTHING--SHE KNOWS HOW TO DO IT.

I'M GONNA THROW THIS--NO, YOU'RE NOT GONNATHROW A BRICK, NO.

JUST GO DOWN THEREAND PICK SOMEBODY ALL RIGHT?

IT'S NOT EVEN REAL.IT DOESN'T--

- [THUMP] - [LAUGHTER]

OKAY, HALF THE BATTLE IS OVER.SHE DIDN'T FALL DOWN THE STAIRS.

THERE HE IS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN GIVE IT UP.

COME ON, IT COULD BE YOU.

[CHEERS, MUSIC & APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT. COOL.

SEXY. [GIGGLES]

YO, NUTMEG,TAKE A HIKE.

I LOVE YOU. HA, HA, HA!

THE WHEEL TURNS BUT THE HAMSTER'S DEAD.

- HOW YA DOING?- FINE.

- JOHNATHAN. - JOHN.

- NO JOHNA-THAN.- GOT IT.

- AND YOU ARE? - JOHN--

OKAY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE LIKE ABBREVIATING MY NAME.

I HATE THAT. I WAS LIKE--ALL RIGHT, THAT'S TWO JOHNS.

THIS WILL BE MIC SO THERE'S NO MORE CONFUSION.

MIC, JOHN, JOHN, MIC. SAY, "HI MIC."

HEY MIC. HOW YA DOING, TONY?

THAT WAS ME. THAT'S ME.

YEAH I'M SCREWING AROUND. THAT'S VENTRILOQUISM.

YEAH, I'M STUDYING AT THIS VENTRILOQUISM.

WATCH, LOOK THAT WAY,MOVE YOUR MOUTH,BUT DON'T SAY ANY WORDS.

- WATCH. "I'M GAY." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S ME.THAT WAS ME.

I'M HAVINGA BLAST WITH THIS STUFF.IT'S REALLY FUN.

I'M NOT SAYING I'M GAY. I THREW IT OVER TO HIM.

AND HE MIGHT NOT BE GAY.AND EVEN IF HE WAS, SO WHAT?RIGHT, YOU'RE NOT RIGHT?

NO.'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE CREEPY.

- ALL RIGHT, NOW-- - [LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE DRINKING A LITTLE RED WINE TONIGHT THOUGH, HUH?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SHIRT?IS THAT BLOOD OR RED WINE?

I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS TO YOU, YOU GOT RED ON YOUR SHIRT.

OH, YEAH-- OH! I WAS GONNA DO THAT TO YOU.

IT'S LIKE HEROINETO A COMEDIAN TO GETSOMEBODY ON THAT.

NOT THAT I'VE EVER DONE HEROINE. [CHUCKLES]

- NOW AH, JOHN AND I-- - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WE'VE NEVER MET BEFORE, RIGHT?NO.

SO THEN YOU DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW IT'S ME. AND I'M ASSUMING IT'S YOU.

RIGHT. RIGHT. WE'LL TRUST EACH OTHER.

SO, I NEED TO BORROW FROM YOU

A $20 BILL. IF YOU HAVE 100 IT'S FUNNIER.

BUT A 20 WILL WORK. SO SEE IF YOU HAVE ONE. CHECK YOUR WALLET.

YEAH, MAYBE YOU HAVE ONEIN YOUR WALLET. LOOK.

COOL. ALL RIGHT. UH-HUH. ALL RIGHT.

CHA-CHING. LOOK AT THAT,YOU LITTLE BASTARD.

YOU GOT ALL KINDS OF MONEY IN THERE.

I'LL TAKE THE 20. LOOK AT THE 100s.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE THE 20.I DIDN'T MEAN TO POINT THAT OUT.

- HE HAS A STACK OF 100s. - [LAUGHTER]

NO, 'CAUSE WHAT IF HE'S WALKING OUTSIDE AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT.

"OH, THERE'S JOHN WITH $1,000 IN HIS WALLET." YOU KNOW?

THAT'S JUST WHAT I SAW. THERE COULD BE MORE.

AND THEN IT'S LIKE, BAM!-- YOU'RE DEAD.

AND THEY'RE RICH.

HOW EASY COULD THAT BE?

- BACK POCKET ON THE RIGHT. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD LUCK. NOW, YOU NEEDTO STAY ON THE TRAPDOOR

OR YOU'RE GONNA HIT YOUR CHIN ON THE WAY DOWN.

NOW LOOK.

IF THIS IS GONNA MAKE YOU NERVOUS THAT WE'RE USING YOUR 20--

AND I SENSE THAT IT IS--LET'S SKIP IT.

WE HAVE A LOT OF OTHER STUFF TO GET TO.

LET'S LOOK AT SOME OF THE STUFF YOU JUST BOUGHT FOR 20 BUCKS.

FIRST TRICK-- OOPS--THE LINKING RINGS.

I CAN LINK THEM TOGETHER-- IT'S EASY FOR A MAGICIAN--

AND I CAN ALSO TAKE THEM APART. BUT WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

SOMEONE FROM THE AUDIENCE TRIES.I NEED SOMEONE BIG AND STRONG.

WHO WANTS TO TRY IT? I DON'T CARE WHO IT IS

COME UP AND TRY TO PULLTHE BOTTOM RING OFF,

- BIG AND STRONG. - [LAUGHTER]

I'M KIDDING. I'M JUST KIDDING. I'M JUST KIDDING.

COME ON. YEAH,I'M KIDDING YOU AROUND.JUST TRY IT.

MAKE SURE THAT YOU TRY TO PULL--OH, YOU BASTARD-- GIVE ME THAT.

YOU LITTLE DICKHEAD COME HERE.

IS YOUR TONGUE PIERCED,YOU LITTLE ASS-[BLEEP]?

COME HERE! [GRUNTING]

[OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HATE GUYS LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW.

ALWAYS TRYING TO SCREW UP YOUR SHOW.

EXAMINE THAT DECK.MAKE SURE IT'S AN ORDINARY DECK,

YES OR NO? IS IT?LOOKS ORDINARY.

YEAH IT IS, ISN'T IT?[BLEEP], CAN'T USE THAT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT GOT UP THERE. WE'LL USE THIS.

NOW, HOLD THAT. WHEN I ASK FOR IT BACK MAKE IT SNAPPY.

HA, HA, HA, HA! VOOM! OKAY, NOW, ORDINARY DECK?

YES.YEAH, THEN EXPLAIN THIS.

- [LAUGHTER] - YEAH, ORDINARY HUH?

YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITH AN ORDINARY DECK.

YOU GOTTA PUT A STRING THROUGH EVERY SINGLE CARD TO DO THAT.

IT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS; IT TAKES ALL NIGHT.

LUCKILY I DON'T SLEEP MUCH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS WAS THE ORDINARY DECK.

PICK ONE AND I'LLTELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

OH, YEAH, I'M LOOKING RIGHT AT THEM.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TRY IT THIS WAY,

- BUT IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK. - [LAUGHTER]

SEE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GO AHEAD AND PUT IT BACK IN ANYWHERE YOU WANT.

SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE THOUGH--APPARENTLY-- IN THE MIDDLE.

PUT IT BACK IN THE MIDDLE OVER THERE.

PUT IT IN THE MIDDLEOF THE DECK.

GOOD, OH GEE, IT'LL BE HARD TO FIND THE U-SHAPED CARD.

- [LAUGHTER] - GOOD.

NOT ONLY WILL I CAUSE YOUR CARD TO RISE BACK TO THE TOP OF THE DECK [SLAP]

I CHANGED IT TO THE 2 OF HEARTS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU EVER BLOW BUBBLES WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE KID?

SURE. HE'S BACK IN TOWN.

- HEY BUBBLES? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU REMEMBER THIS GUY?

- THESE REUNIONS MAKE ME TEARY. - [LAUGHTER]

FIFTY BUCKS I PAY THAT GUY EVERY NIGHT.

IT'S WORTH EVERY PENNY. NOW, GO AHEAD AND PICK ONE.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH CARD YOU CHOOSE.

ALL RIGHT-- OH DAMN. GIVE ME THAT.

YOU WERE CLOSE. GIVE ME THE CARD. GIVE ME THE CARD.

OH [BLEEP], YOU WERE SO CLOSE. ALL RIGHT NOW--

WHAT ARE YOU TICKLISH OR SOMETHING?

MEMORIZE THAT CARD AND DON'T FORGET IT EVER, EVER.

- NOW PLACE IT BACK IN THE DECK. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK-- LOOK AT MY HAIR. LOOK, WATCH, WAIT.

- I'M DUCK MAN. - [LAUGHTER]

I'M DUCK MAN.

HELLO, HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN THE POND.

I'M PARAKEET MAN.

PARAKEET MAN.

OH ALL RIGHT, WHAT WERE WE DOING? YEAH, I DIGRESS.

PUT THE CARD BACK IN ANYWHERE.

I WILL FIND YOUR CARD.

[LAUGHTER]

JACK OF DIAMONDS.NO.

NO, THAT'S NOT THE CARD?WELL, IT IS.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID IT WAS. I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS YOUR CARD.

I'LL FIND YOUR CARD.I'M NOT A BABOON.

I COULD PROBABLYDO ONE THOUGH.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT-- YES, YES, YES, YES.

DR. ZAYAS. DR. ZAYAS,

THEY'VE GONE TO THE FORBIDDEN ZONE. HA, HA, HA, HA!

THAT'S GOOD. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, NOW.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, NO, NO, NO, NO,

NO, NO--

YOU DIDN'T PUT IT IN HERE, DID YOU?

YOU'RE TRYING TO [BLEEP] WITH ME, AREN'T YOU?

AH! AH!

I LOST IT.

WAS IT THE LITTLE ONE?THAT'S IT.

AH! I SHOULD HAVE WENT WITH MY INSTINCTS ON THAT.

WHAT WAS THE LITTLE ONE?YOU TELL ME.

NO, YOU TELL ME.WHAT WAS THE LITTLE ONE?8 OF SPADES.

WHAT A BIZARRE COINCIDENCE, WHEN I THREW ALL OF

THE CARDS DOWN JUST NOW, SOME OF THEM LANDED FACE DOWN.

TURN OVER ANY ONE OF THE THOUSAND OF FACE DOWN CARDS

AND WATCH WHAT IT IS. YOU CHOOSE. CHECK THIS OUT.

WHAT WAS YOUR CARD?8 OF SPADES.

YOU WOULD HAVE FREAKED OUTIF THAT WAS THE 8 OF SPADES.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO COOL.YOU WOULD HAVE FREAKED OUT, MAN.

AND SO WOULD HAVE YOU FREAKED OUT.

AND I WOULD HAVE FREAKED OUT. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

THERE'S GOTTA BE A WAY TO DO THAT.

EXAMINE IT.

ORDINARY?YES.

GOOD. MAKE A FIST. OKAY?

PUT YOUR FEET CLOSER TO THE GROUND.

NOW, TWO FISTS. AND RAISE THAT ONE UP A LITTLE LOWER.

GOOD.

NOW...

DON'T WORRY.

OPEN UP ONE OF YOUR FISTS. A LITTLE, YEAH--

JUST A LITTLE WIDERTHAN YOU'RE USED TO.

GOOD GOOD, GOOD, NOW A LITTLE MORE. I DIDN'T KNOW--

I'M SORRY-- I DIDN'T KNOW.

NOW, I'M PUSHING THE SILK INTO ONE OF YOUR FISTS--

RANDOM CHOICE-- I COULD'VE PUT IT OVER THERE BUT I DIDN'T

I PUT IT HERETO PROVE TO YOUIT WAS RANDOM.

- [LAUGHTER] - John: OKAY.

MOST MAGICIANS WON'T DO THAT.

YOUR FISTS ARE IDENTICAL, ESPECIALLY THIS ONE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, I PUSH THIS DOWN, CLOSE AROUND IT

SO I CAN'T GET AT IT. GOOD, TIGHT, THERE IT IS.

YOU SAW IT GO IN THERE. NO TRICKS.

NOW, WOULD IT BE IMPRESSIVE

IF I COULD CAUSE THAT TO VANISH FROM HIS HAND AND REAPPEARS--

- [LAUGHTER] - WHAT?

AND REAPPEARS SOMEWHERE ELSE. WHERE?

THE SILVER CHALICE ON MY TABLE.

- [LAUGHTER] - OH, THAT'S FUNNY.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? [BLEEP] ME. I'M NOT DOING IT.

- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES] - YOU DONE LAUGHING?

WANNA OPEN THAT HAND AND SHOW THEM PLEASE? OH, IT'S STILL THERE.

WELL, THEN THAT MEANS IT DIDN'T HAPPEN THE WAY Y JUST THOUGHT IT DID.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

MM, MM, MM, MM, MM, MM, MM, MM, MM, MM.

[BLOWS] OH, WAIT A MINUTE]

- WHOA, OH, OH, OH, OH! - [LAUGHTER]

MUSIC, PLEASE. HERE, REMOTE CONTROL, TAKE IT.

WATCH.

[INTRODUCTION MUSIC PLAYS]

YOU TAKE THAT HALF. I TAKE THIS HALF. PRESS THE BUTTON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE. NOW, THAT'S A BUDGET.

EH, HEY.

UH-OH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S THE END OF THAT ONE.

- WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO? - [LAUGHTER]

COME HERE. WE'RE GONNA DO A COOL LITTLE TRICK. YOU'RE PROBABLY HUNGRY.

- HAVE SOME PEANUTS. - [LAUGHTER]

TAKE IT. OPEN IT. QUICKLY, YOU'LL LIKE THESE.

WHAT-- WHAT THE F--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THEY'RE PEANUTS!

LOOK AT THE MESSYOU'RE MAKING.

NOBODY'S UP HERE TO GET YOU. COME HERE. RELAX.

ALL RIGHT, NOW LOOK. YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY THESE. THEY'RE REALLY GOOD.

HAVE SOME.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER] THEY'RE JUST PEANUTS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT, A BIG PEANUT MONSTER GONNA GET YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

- HEY, GIMME A 20. - [LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT,WE'LL USE ONE OF MY OWN.

NOW, ON THE BACK ON THE 20, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT BUILDING IS?

YES. WHAT IS IT?

IT'S THE WHITE HOUSE.THE WHITE HOUSE.THANK GOD YOU KNEW THAT.

I'VE JUST BEEN IN VEGAS DURING NASCAR. EVERY NIGHT I ASKED

I GOT GRACELAND FOR THE ANSWER.

ALL RIGHT, NOW.WE'RE RIPPING THE CORNERFROM YOUR 20.

IT'S AN ILLUSION.YEAH.

YEAH. THAT'S WHYI GET THE BIG BUCKS.

IT LOOKS REAL, DOESN'T IT?UH-HUH.

WELL, IT'S MORE OR LESS A RECEIPT FOR YOU IN CASE YOU LOSE THIS.

YOU TAKE THE CORNER TO A BANK YOU EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED,

THEY'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH THIS.

BUT I NEED YOU TO BE THE SAFEGUARD OF THIS.

YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH THAT AND KEEP IN YOUR TOP POCKED,

IF YOU WOULD PLEASE, ALL RIGHT? PUT IT IN YOUR SHIRT POCKET.

OH, MAN, YOU'RE GOOD. YOU ARE GOOD.

YOU KNOW I'M GONNA GET YOUR ASS.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, IT'S A MISSION.

♪ DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA... ♪

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, NOW.

WE ROLL THIS UP INTO A LITTLE, TINY $20 BILL BALL.

HOLD THAT, RIGHT LIKE THAT. THIS IS A CHICK PAN.

WE USE ON THE FARM TO BURN SICK BABY CHICKS IN...

[OH'S AND LAUGHTER]

WHEN THEY'RE SICK. IT'S HUMANE.

YOU CAN TELL WHEN THEY'RE SICK, TOO

- THEY GET YELLOW AND FUZZY. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEY MAKE THAT, "PEEP, PEEP, PEEP, PEEP" SOUND,

ESPECIALLY WHENTHEY'RE IN THERE BURNINGTHEY MAKE THAT SOUND.

HOLD IT. I WANT YOU TO PUT YOUR 20 IN THERE PLEASE.

JUST DROP IT IN THERE. AND THIS IS LIGHTER FLUID.

OKAY, NOW, DON'T MOVE. WE DON'T WANT TO TAKE CHANCES.

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, OKAY? BUT IT'S NOT EVEN LIGHTER FLUID

OR I WOULDN'T BE SQUIRTING YOU LIKE THAT IF IT WAS.

- ALL RIGHT NOW-- OH, [BLEEP]! - [LAUGHTER]

NAHHH! MY THUMB WAS ON FIRE. DID YOU SEE THAT?

THAT WAS AWESOME.

- NOW COMES THE PAIN PART. - [LAUGHTER]

AHHH!

OKAY, NOW--LOOK AT YOUR 20.

IS IT BURNING?YES.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BURNING 'CAUSE THERE'S A FIRE IN THE PAN.

BUT LOOK AT THE 20 ITSELF IS IT TURNING BLACK?

YEAH, IT'S TURNING.

AH, [BLEEP]! OKAY WELL,

THAT GOES ON THE LIST OF [BLEEP] I CAN'T DO!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO, YOU SHOULD SEE THE LIST.

IT'S GETTING HUGE.

IT'S GOING RIGHT THERE.

IT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M A DOCTOR.YOU'RE A DOCTOR. REALLY?

YOU LOOK SO YOUNG TO BE A DOCTOR.

LIKE DOOGIE HOUSER WITH GRAY HAIR.

WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU?

I'M A SURGEON.REALLY? CAN YOUWRITE PRESCRIPTIONS?

NOT FOR YOU. AH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE I CAN ORDER 'EM IF YOU CAN WRITE 'EM.

AND NOW, WHEN I OPEN-- AH! SON OF A BITCH!

OPEN THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

WAIT-- WHAT IS THATIN THERE NOW?

AN ORANGE. HOLD THAT.

HOLD IT IN THE AIR LIKE SOME ASS-[BLEEP] GONNA THROW A KNIFE AT IT

AND YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN THE WAY.

- HOLD IT. HOLD IT! - [LAUGHTER]

AS A DOCTOR, YOU PROB-- COME HERE!--

YOU PROBABLY AREVERY AWARE OF YOUR HANDSAND YOUR NEED FOR THEM.

NOW IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME THATYOU LOOK LIKE THE MOTHER-[BLEEP]

THAT KILLED MY MOM AND DAD.

HA, HA, HA, HA! RELAX,

I KILLED MY MOM AND DAD.I'M KIDDING AROUND.

- "PICK UP YOUR CLOTHES!" "NO!"- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW MUCH OF THAT CAN YOU TAKE? NINE LONG YEARS OF THAT CRAP.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NOW-- GOD!

WHERE'S THE THINGTHAT MAKES THIS A TRICK?

NOW, REMEMBER WHAT WE DID. WE BURNED YOUR 20 IN THE PAN.

I OPENED THE PAN.I PULLED THE ORANGE OUT.I HANDED IT TO YOU.

NOW, DO NOT MOVE OR YOU WILL LOSE A FINGER. OKAY?

OOH, [BLEEP], SORRY ABOUT THOSE.

NOW, WATCH YOUR FEET.

OKAY, NOW, PULL ON THE TOP HALF.

INSIDE OF THE ORANGE, LODGED IN THE CENTER,

IS A $20 BILL. I CAN'T GET THAT OUT. PULL.

PULL IT.

[GASPS]YOU'RE THE KING!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK, IT'S LIKE-- IT'S DROOLING PACMAN! MM-MM, MM-MM, MM-MM.

OKAY, THE 20IS MISSING A CORNER.

IF IT MATCHES THIS ONE, THAT WOULD BE SPOOKY.

NOW, YOU'RE THE JUDGE HERE. ON THE OTHER SIDE,

THE SERIAL NUMBERS HAVE BEEN RIPPED OFF.

COMPARE THEM TO THE OTHER SIDE. ARE THEY PERFECT?

THEY'RE PERFECT. I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

- THEY'RE PERFECT.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I KNOW, BUT IT'S NOT PERFECT. IT'S STILL RIPPED.

- AND IT'S ORANGEY. - [LAUGHTER]

AND THIS SHOWIS ALL ABOUT PERFECTION.

- [LAUGHTER] - THERE'S NO LAUGH THERE.

SO, WE USE TO FIX THAT,THE MAGIC SILK OF INDIA.

- [SILENCE] - DON'T PATRONIZE ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THIS CAN DO.

WHAT IF IT COULD KILL A LARGE GROUP OF ASS-[BLEEP]?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU, MA'AM, YOU LIKE BIRDS?

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - KEEPER!

YEAH, YOU! YEE-HA! YEAH, YOU LITTLE MOTHER-[BLEEP],

- YOU MOTHER, MOTHER-[BLEEP]! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE CAN MAKE IT ALIVE AGAIN.

- FIX THAT. - [LAUGHTER]

IT WAS SICK.THAT'S WHY I DID IT.

IT WAS! YOU SEE HOWPALE THAT THING WAS?

WHAT WERE WE DOING?OH, YOUR RIPPED TEN.BRING IT OVER.

TWENTY. TWENTY, WHATEVER.

COME OVER HERE NEXT TO ME WHERE IT'S SAFE AND WARM.

[LAUGHTER]

WATCH. WE PLACE THISUNDERNEATH THE MAGICSILK OF SWITZERLAND.

[LAUGHTER]

INDIA.

INDIA? YEAH, INDIA.YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

NO. THE MAGICAL CITY OF INDIA, I'VE BEEN THERE MANY TIMES.

THEY CALL IT,"THE LAND OF THE LAKES".

"THE WINDY CITY" OF INDIA.

WHERE THE MAGIC IS SO POWERFUL, IT CAN FIX YOUR RIPPED FIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

- [FLUTTERING NOISED] - [LAUGHTER]

SOMETIMES MAGIC SOUNDS LIKE TAPE.

IT ISN'T. IT'S THE POWER,

THE POWER OF INDIA.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[COUGHING, RIPPING TAPE]

- YOU SON OF A-- [GRUNTING] - [LAUGHTER]

SOMEBODY COULD BE HELPING ME. I WONDER WHO THAT IS.

HOLD THAT UP SO I CAN-- BOTH SIDES CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

- [LAUGHTER] - YEAH, OVER HERE, DOOGIE.

NOW, YOU EVER HELP A MAGICIAN BEFORE?NO.

THAT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT HELPING ONE NOW EITHER.

[LAUGHTER]

HELLO, EVERYBODY OVER THERE IN I-CAN-SEE-HOW-DID-THAT LAND!

[LAUGHTER]

INDIA! INDIA! INDIA!

LAND OF THE BUCKTOOTHED SNAKE.

- [HISSING SOUND] - [LAUGHTER]

- [HISSING] - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SEE YOU WOULDN'T BE LAUGHINGIF THAT WE'RE REAL.NO DOUBT.

BUCKTOOTHED SNAKEBITE ON YOUR HAND. BYE!

[SNAKE BITING SOUND]"I CAN'T BREATHE!

I GOT BIT BY THE BUCKTOOTHED SNAKE!"

[BITING SOUND]

"HE BIT ME AGAIN!

"IS THAT-- IS THAT YOU?

[BITING SOUND]

HE'S RELENTLESS!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOT ONLY ISYOUR SINGLE FIXED...

[LAUGHTER]

BUT NOW IT'S IN THIS NEAT LITTLE CARRYING-CASE!

IT'S YOU ON YOUR WAY TO INDIA.

IT'S ORIGAMI IT'S CALLED.

THAT'S YOURS.

NOW IF YOU WERE TO TAKE THE TAPE OFF OF THIS WHEN YOU GOT HOME AT NIGHT,

YOU'D BE SURPRISED TO FIND IT'S NO LONGER RIPPED.

YOU WOULD BE. YOU'D BE SURPRISED, WOULDN'T YOU?

I'D BE SHOCKED. I'D BE SHOCKED AS HELL! YEAH, ME TOO!

WE GOT A GIFTFOR YOU FOR THAT,TO MAKE UP FOR THAT.

- TANYA! - OH, YEAH?

DON'T WORRY, IT ISN'T TANYA.

YOU'D GET CHANGE BACK FROM THAT.

COME OUT AND BRING OUT HIS GIFT PLEASE.

HEY, HEY!I GOT SHOW TICKETS! OH, BOY! SHOW TICKETS!

YEAH! ALL RIGHT. BLUE MAN GROUP.

YOU SPENT MORE THAN 100 BUCKS ON FOUR TICKETS--

OH, NO,THESE WERE FREE.BULL-[BLEEP].

THEY DON'T GIVE OUT FREE TICKETS TO ANYONE.

I'M A WINNER WINNER,CHICKEN DINNER.[ROOSTER CROWING]

NO, YOU'RE A LUNATICAND ANY [BLEEP] DO.

GIMME THESE. LET ME SEE WHAT THEY ARE.

[OH'S AND LAUGHTER]

OKAY, HOW THE HELL DID YOU MANAGE TO GET FRONT-ROW SEATS--

- OH, GOD! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COMPLEMENTARY. HA, HA!

COMPLEMENTARY!HA, HA, HA, HA!

COMPLEMENTARY!

[HIGH-PITCH VOICE]COMPLEMENTARY!

[LAUGHTER]

ARE YOU DONE? YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST OF ALL, YOU GOTSTUFF ALL OVER YOUR FACE.

OKAY, YOU GOT IT. NOW, I WANT YOU TO GO GET

HIS PRESENT FOR REAL.I ALREADY BROUGHT OUT--

THE ONE I PUT OVER ON THE BACK OF THE CHAIR THERE, EUPHORIA.

YOU WANT THEBACK OF A CHAIR? NO. COME HERE.

JUST STAND HERE AND I'LL GET IT.DON'T TOUCH HIM OR MY PROPS.

LISTEN TO THIS TAPE WHILE I'M GONE.

LISTEN TO ME. IF SHE TOUCHES YOU OR ANY OF MY STUFF,

SWEEP-KICK HER LEGSOUT FROM UNDERNEATH HER.

SHE WON'T FALL. SHE'LL HANG THERE IN THE AIR LIKE A DEMON.

JUST DO IT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I DON'T-- I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.

OH, HEY. YOU JUSTRIPPED YOUR PANTS. HE-HE-HE!

HEY, SEXY, SEXY!

DO YOU LIKE TODANCEY, DANCEY! HUH?

- [DANCE MUSIC STARTS] - HE, HE, HE! COME ON, DOC.

COME ON. COME ON, DOC!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

HA, HA!

COME ON, DOC! COME ON! LET'S GO SIT DOWN.

LET'S GO SIT DOWN JUST KICK IT UP.

KICK IT OUT OF THERA, RA, RA...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

UH-OH.

YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE!HA, HA, HA! OOHT-OOHT!

OOHT-OOHT!

- OOHT-OOHT! - OOHT-OOHT!

OOHT-- UH-OH. LOOK ITI'M SO SCARED,

- I'M SHAKING. - [LAUGHTER]

LOOK, I'M SO SCARED, EVEN MY HAIR IS SHAKING.LA, LA, LA, LA.

LOOK AT-- AAA... [WHIRRING NOISES]

- [GUN SHOT] - [BOOM!]

- OW! - [LAUGHTER]

OOHT-OOHT! OOO-OOO-OOHT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: LET'S HAVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSEFOR MY VOLUNTEER!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GREAT JOB, MAN.

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