Below the Belt With Kevin Heffernan & Steve Lemme

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 11/11/2016

In addition to performing stand-up, Kevin Heffernan and Steve Lemme reminisce about a bender they went on in Australia and quiz their fans about Broken Lizard movies.

OK guys, in my pocket I havesome Broken Lizard trivia

questions.

Whoever answers these questionscorrectly is going to walk

on part in the next movie.

Exciting, right?

OK, here we go.

Shitface, you're first.

The first question is a"Super Troopers" question.

Have you seen "Super Troopers?"-Oh yeah.

All right, you'regoing to great.

You're going to do great.

All right, Shitface,between Kevin and Steve,

which of us wouldyou rather [bleep]?

[laughter]

Don't shout out the answer.

Which of us wouldyou rather [bleep]?

Shitface?

I want a mustache ride.

I'm going with thisguy right here.

There you go.

I feel a littlehurt by that, but--

By the way, Shitface,that answer is correct.

One nothing Shitface.

All right, SugarTits, you're up buddy.

Your question is a"Beerfest" question.

Have you seen "Beerfest"?-Absolutely.

You're going to do great man.

You're going to do great.

Sugar Tits, between Kevinand Steve, which of us

would you let [bleep] you?

It's a little different.

Which of us wouldyou let [bleep] you?

Sugar Tits, before youanswer this question,

I would just liketo say to all of you

that this game was waybetter with chicks.

[laughter]

Good game with chicks.

A lot of fun with girls.

Very good game with chicks.

OK, but we make do.

OK, Sugar Tits,what's it going to be.

Steve.

Oh, [bleep] yeah.

What the [bleep]is going on here?

I think he's afraidof falling in love.

He's got his own problems, myson, because he's four years

old, and he's atthat age right now

where he's got no dick control.

Like he's always pissing allover everything, like the floor

and the wall and me, you know?

And you get thediaper off those kids

and you think it'sjust going to work,

but then you realize the kid'sbeen hands free to this point

in his life, right?

Like he's never held it before.

He's never aimed it before.

He's never shot it before.

And that's whatthey tell you to do.

Have you guys heardof the Cheerio

thing, the Cheerio thing?

You throw in theCheerios in the toilet,

and then you let thekid shoot the Cheerios.

And that's how they learn.

This is a real thing, right?

So we did that.

We did the Cheerio thing.

And what I found out wasthat apparently my kid

is one of these huntingpurists, because apparently

he has to eat what he kills.

[laughter]

Why so squeamish, Colorado?

It's just yellowCheerios, who cares?

No, no, I felt the same way.

So we stopped that.

And now he continues topiss like a homeless man

in a bus station.

And it's because he'sgot no dick awareness.

Like he doesn't knowhis dick is there.

Right, he just doesn't know.

Like the other day he's inthe bathroom taking a piss,

and I'm out in the living room.

And he yells out to me.

He's like, Dad, Dad?

I said, what's up?

He said, are mypants on backwards?

I said, that's a weirdquestion to ask while you're

taking a piss, right?

So I go rushing in there.

And he's peeing, butat the same time,

he's checking to see ifhis pants are on backwards.

So he's just pissing straightdown into his underwear.

He's just frackinghis underwear.

And I'm like, buddy,what are you doing?

What are you doing?

He said, I'm checking to seeif my pants are on backwards.

I said, right now,it doesn't matter.

And he stands up, and hegoes, yep, they're on right.

And then he spraypaints my legs.

He pisses all over my legs.

[bleep] dudes, we're so gross.

We're so-- that's the thing.

We're so gross and horny.

Like I love-- I lovethis kid unconditionally,

and I will love himevery day of his life,

probably until heturns around 13,

and then he can moveout of my house.

Because I don't want ateenage boy in my house,

because teenage boysare goddamn disgusting.

Because all theydo is whack off.

And they're toodumb to even do it

properly becausethey think they're

the only ones who are doing it.

And so when theymasturbate, they

do it under a shroudof secrecy and fear,

like a troll ina cave someplace.

You know like, [grunts].

Like if you haveteenage son, and you

left him at home to comehere to the show tonight--

[laughter]

She's-- well, I marriedabove my pay grade.

No, I hit the jackpot.

My wife is a doctor.

[applause]

Pretty good.

Pretty good.

Farva married adoctor, pretty good.

[laughter]

There was some love involved.

There was some love involved,but she's a [bleep] doctor,

come on, man.

No, the threshold forbreaking up with a doctor

is much higherthan other people.

Like the shit you normally breakup over, you don't do it when

you're dating a doctor, right?

Like she chews with hermouth open, who cares?

She snores, who cares?

She's got a dick,who gives a shit?

[laughter]

She's a [bleep]doctor man, come on.

Here's the other thing.

Growing up, I always hatedgoing to the doctor's-- hated,

hated going there.

I figured, marry adoctor, you don't have

to go to the doctor's anymore.

Brilliant, right?

Here's where I [bleep] up.

My wife's a gynecologist,and I don't have a vagina.

If you've seen "Super Troopers,"you know that I have a dick.

Kind of-- I kind of have a dick.

It was cold that day.

It was cold that day.

But I'll tell youthis, a gynecologist

So a couple months ago, my wifeand some of her girlfriends

decided to have a girls day.

And what they weregoing to do was

all go together andwax their "pu-swares,"

and make a day of it.

You know, like have somewine, have some laughs,

rip out their pubes.

And they gathered at myhouse, you know, to pregame.

And so they're allin the kitchen,

like, getting drunkon white wine.

And I was down in my office,just like writing, you know.

And I could hear themdown in the kitchen.

They're just like screamingall at the same time

with excitement and joy.

And what they weretalking about was

the waxing process,and about which

part of the waxingprocess hurts the most.

And of course to myself I waslike, the asshole, obviously.

[laughter]

And what I heard them saywas that actually the asshole

doesn't hurt at all towax, which I found--

I see you shaking your head.

No, it doesn't.

She's in agreement.

I found thisimpossible to believe.

Like I got up and I marchedright down to the kitchen,

and like busted through the walllike Kool-Aid, like bullshit.

[laughter]

And they said no, no, theasshole-- actually there's

no nerves in the asshole.

I'm like, double bullshit.

There's extra nerves back there.

Like if you touchme on the asshole,

I would go rightthrough the ceiling.

Have you ever had thatwhen, like, something rolls

under the end table,like next to the sofa,

and you're like I'll get it.

And you'll get down onyour hands and knees.

And you're like oh man,it's so far back there.

Got it.

Oh, I almost have it.

I've almost got it.

And your friendwalks by like, boop.

And [bleep], you shoot forward,like a thousand miles an hour,

and take everythingwith you, like

the end table and the lamp.

And you go rightthrough the wall.