Monday, October 27, 2014

  • 10/27/2014

Dannah Phirman, Alison Becker and Rob Corddry come up with #CrappyHalloweenCostumes, watch embarrassing sports gaffes and list absurd BuzzFeed articles.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID RERESH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, TAYLOR SWIFT IS A LOT OFTHINGS TO A LOST PEOPLE.

SHE IS A INSPIRATION, A MOGUL, AROLE MODEL. BUT TO ME SHE'LL

ALWAYS BE THE TEMPTRESS WHOBROKE JOHN MAYER'S HEART.

BY THE WAY, IF YOU [BEEP] HER,SHE'LL WRITE A SONG ABOUT YOU.

IT'S JUST -- THAT'S HOW ITWORKS.

HER VAGINA IS HER MUSE.

IT'S LIKE A MAGIC MUSIC BOX --YOU PUT SOMETHING IN IT AND IT

JUST SPITS OUT POP HITS.

THIS WEEK TAY-TAY DECIDED TORELEASE HER NEW ALBUM "1989" 47

MINUTES EARLIER THAN PLANNED ANDHER FANS LOST THEIR

SELFIE-LOVING MINDS.

WHICH OF THESE REAL AND VERYENTHUSIASTIC FAN TWEETS GOT THE

MOST RETWEETS.

A, 1989 SOUNDS SO (BLEEP) NICEI'M PUCKING GLITTER RN BECAUSE

EVERYTHING IS PERFECT HER VOCALSARE PERFECT THE MEL-OID-IES ARE

PERFECT JESUS CHRIST.

[ APPLAUSE ]

B, I WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT 199 INTHE CAR MY NOSE STARTED

BLEEDING.

OH NO. YOU MIGHT GOT THEEBOLAS.

C, I'M LISTENING TO 189 AND OTHINKING I AM GIVING BIRTH,

DYING, PUKING AND CRYING AT THESAME TIME.

UH, YES, ALISON BECKER.

>> I AM GOING TO SAY C, TEENPREGNANCY IS TO HOT RIGHT NOW.

>> CHRIS: OH MY GOD YOU GUYS,DO YOU HAVE A PREGNANCY PACT?

DID YOU MAKE A PREGNANCYPACT. OH MY GOD.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS A.

NO POINTS.

NOSE BLEED, PUKING, SHAKE ITOFF.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: COMEDIANS, BASED ONTHOSE TWEETS, WHAT ARE SOME

SOTHER SYMPTOMS TAYLOR SWIFTFANS MIGHT EXPERIENCE FROM

EXPOSURE TO HER NEW ALBUM.

ALISON BECKER.

>> LADY BONERS THAT LAST UP TOFOUR HOURS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: POINTS. ROB CORRDRY.

>> TWO THINGS.

HEARING LOSS OR LOSS OF INTERESTIN HEARING.

>> Chris: OK.

[LAUGHING]

DEFINITELY POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

ACCORDING TO BUZZFEED IT WON'TBE LONG UNTIL YOU'RE FLYING THE

FRIENDLY SKIES IN A WINDOWLESSPLANE.

YES, BY TAKING THE WINDOWS OUTOF THE PLANE THEY CAN REDUCE

FUEL COSTS, MAKE THE SEATS WIDERAND FREAK THE [BEEP] OUT OF

CLAUSTROPHOBICS FOR HOURS, ANDHOURS, AND HOURS.

BUT THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, BEFORETHE END OF THE FLIGHT, FREAKING

THE (BLEEP) OUT OF ACROPHOBES.

TAKE A LOOK.

>> OFFERING SCENIC PANORAMICVIEW AND ENTERTAINMENT.

INFORMATION AND INSIGHT AT YOURFINGER TIPS.

IT'S TIME TO START YOUR JOURNEY.

>> Chris: AHH!

THE WINDOWS WILL BE REPLACEDBY VIEW SCREENS THAT SHOW YOU

WHATEVER IS RIGHT OUTSIDE THEPLANE, LIKE MASSIVE STORMCLOUDS,

OR OTHER PLANES OR GREMLINS ONTHE WINGS, BILL SHATNER.

OR JOHN LITHGOW, DEPENDING ONTHE TWILIGHT ZONE YOU SAW.

ONCE YOU GET TO CRUISINGALTITUDE, I'M SURE THE SCENES

WILL BE REPLEACES WITH EPISODESOF "BIG BANG THEORY" OR SOME

(BLEEP), LIKE ALL THE WAYTHROUGH --

THESE GIANT INTERNAL VIEWSCREENS WILL NOT BE CHEAP, SO

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS ANEXCITING INNOVATION YOU CAN

EXPECT FROM LESSER, BARGAINAIRLINE IN THE FUTURE?

DANNAH.

>> THERE WILL BE PEDDALS ATEVERY SEAT TO KEEP THE PLANE IN

THE AIR -- ACTUALLY, SPIRITAIRLINES IS ALREADY TRYING THAT.

>> Chris: -- ALREADY TRYING TODO THAT. OKAY, GOOD, POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: ROB CORRDRY.

MORE LEG ROOM, BUT, SORRY, LESSFOOT ROOM.

>> Chris: OK.

ALRIGHT, ROB CORRDRY, POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: AS YOU'VE ALREADYSEEN, THERE IS A LOT OF TERRIBLE

HALLOWEEN COSTUMES OUT THERE,BUT I THINK YOU GUYS CAN COME UP

WITH WORSE IDEAS.

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS CRAPPYHALLOWEEN COSTUMES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE OPTTUMSSUB-PRIME MORTGAGE

OR SEXY PRIME MINISTER MARGARETSNATCHER.

[GAGGING NOISES]

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: I'M GONNA PUT 60SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

YES ALISON BECKER.

>> DONALD DUCK DYNASTY.

Chris: YES, POINTS.

ROB CORRDRY.

>> SEXY FRENCH STUART.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: DANNAH.

>> SEXY ZOMBIE, AKA NICOLERICHIE.

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS.

ALISON BECKER.

>> SEXY CHILD.

TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH.

[APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: THE AUDIENCE MAKESME GIVE YOU POINTS.

ALISON BECKER.

>> ROB CORRDRY.

Chris: OKAY. POINTS.

>> NO, IT'S CRAPPY.>> CHRIS: ROB.

>> MORE LIKE FANTASTIC.

MY LATE UNCLE LAWRENCE.

IT'S FUNNY IF YOU KNOW HIM.

>> Chris: OK, OK, OK, OK.POINTS.

>> MY FAMILY WOULD THINK IT'SFUNNY.

>> Chris: I CAN'T ARGUE THAT.

DANNAH.

>> SEXY ROB.

[LAUGHING]>> IT'S REALLY HARD TO FIND.

Chris: I KNOW.

>> IT'S REALLY HARD TO MAKE.

AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY BLACKAND WTF: HALLOWEEN EDITION.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: HALLOWEEN IS ALMOSTHERE.

I KNOW BECAUSE I WENT TODISNEYLAND THE OTHER DAY AND

THEY TURNED THE HAUNTEDMANSIONED INTO NIGHTMARE BEFORE

CHRISTMAS HAUNTED MANSION --

WHICH IS AWESOME.

NOW, COSTUMES HAVE BEEN AROUNDSINCE LIKE, THE 30s.

AND MAYBE IT WAS THE FACT THEPCP WAS USED TO SOOTHE A

TEETHING BABY OR COCAIN WAS ANOPTION AT THE SODA FOUNTAIN --

ALL I KNOW IS PEOPLE WORE MESSEDUP [BEEP].

THANKS TO RECENT POSTS BYBUZZFEED AND IMGUR, COSTUMES ARE

TIMELESSY PRESERVED.

SO IN THE SPIRIT OF HALLOWEEN, IWANT EVERYONE TO REACH UNDER

YOUR LECTURN, GRAB YOURFLASHLIGHT, AND TURN IT ON.

NOW BRING THE STUDIO LIGHTSDOWN, CHILDREN.

AND FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOUTO CHANNEL YOUR INNER VINCENT

PRICE AND GIVE ME A TRULYCHILLING LINE FROM AN OLD

TIME RADIO SHOW FEATURING THESECHARACTERS I'M ABOUT TO SHOW

YOU.

FIRST UP, THESE TWO TROUBLEMAKERS.

OH THE HORROR.

YES, ALISON BECKER.

>> THIS IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOYOUR WOMEN IF YOU ALLOW THEM TO

VOTE.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROB CORRDRY.

>> COME CARVE A PUMPKIN WITH US,DANNY, FOREVER AND EVER, OR AT

LEAST UNTIL HALLOWEEN IS OVER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS DROOGE.

YES, ALISON.

>> THE PROJECT RUNWAY GHOST TOSEEK REVENGE ON TIM GUN FOR

TELLING HIM THAT HE COULDN'TMAKE A TINY HAT WORK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: MAKE IT WORK.

DANNAH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, PHARELL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> WOW.

>> Chris: ROB.

>> I SWEAR I'M NOT ATRICK-OR-TREATER.

I AM HERE TO ROB YOU.

>> Chris: LAST ONE.

THIS SAD CLOWN.

YES DANNAH.

>> DID SOMEBODY HERE ORDER ANUBER.

[LAUGHING]

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXTGAME MAJOR LEAGUE FAILS.

MAJOR LEAGUE FAILS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

WE ARE KNEE-DEEP INTO THE WORLDSERIES OF BASEBALL AND DAYS AWAY

FROM THE START OF THE NBASEASON, SO WE SLID HEAD-FIRST

INTO THE WORMHOLE OF SPORTSBLOOPER GIFS.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A FRAMEFROM A SPORTS BLOOPER GIF, AND

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU HAVE TOGUESS WHICH IS THE EMBARASSING

OUTCOME.

THIS GUY SLIDING INTO SECOND.

DOES HE GET SECOND BASE MAN ASSOR HE'S COMPLETELY PANTSED BY

THE UNFORGIVING GROUND.

ROB CORRDRY.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY PANSTED,BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WANT IT TO

BE.

>> Chris: I THINK WE ALL WANTTHAT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH!

Chris: I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINKTHAT'S TECHNICALLY THIRD BASE.

THIS SOCCER PLAYER, DOES HE GETTAKEN DOWN BY NOTHING BUT THE

AIR OR PLANTING HIS FOOT DEEPINTO A TEAMMATE'S RECTUM.

ALISON.

>> RECTUM! RECTUM!

(CHANTING) RECTUM! RECTUM!RECTUM!

>> Chris: OK, OK. COME ON.

GUYS, HOW MUCH ASS-PLAY DO YOUTHINK WE CAN SHOW ON THIS

PROGRAM?

HOPEFULLY AT LEAST TWO.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH.

>> Chris: THIS IS THE ONLY TIMEI WILL EVER SAY THIS:

I WANTED IT TO BE RECTUM.

ALRIGHT.

NEXT: THESE TWO NBA BENCHWARMERS, ARE THEY ABOUT TO

REALIZE THEY'RE BEING SHOWN ONTHE KISS CAM AND THEY'RE INTO

IT, OR THE GUY ON THE LEFT ISCONFUSED OVER WHOSE LEG HE'S

STROKING.

YES, DANNAH.

>> I THINK IT'S THE LEG.

BECAUSE THAT'S AMAZING.

>> Chris: OK, LET'S FIND OUT.

>> YEAH.

>> HE KEEPS DOING IT!

LOOK HOW HARD HE'S TRIES TOEXPLAIN -- I WAS TRYING TO DO MY

OWN, I WAS TRYING TO DO MY OWN!

AS WE JUMP TO THE NEXT GAME.BUZZSPEED, HALLOWEEN EDITION.

THIS IS OUR CLASSIC GAMEBUZZSPEED.

OFTEN IMITATED IMITATED ANDSUPRISINGLY DUPLICATED ON OTHER

PROGRAMS, WE'RE SO HONORED.

LIKE 32 CATS WHO LIKE HALLOWEENMORE THAN YOU.

AND, 33 SUPER EASY CARDBOARD BOXCOSTUMES FOR LAZY PEOPLE.

THESE ARE REAL.

COMEDIANS, COME UP WITHHALLOWEEN LISTS MORE RIDICULOUS

THAN THE ONES THAT ARE ACTUALLYON BUZZFEED.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

DANNAH.

>> FIVE BEST CANDIES TO HIDERAZOR BLADES IN.

>> Chris: ROB.

>> 15 KIDS WHO [BEEP] UPHALLOWEEN FOR THE REST OF US.

>> Chris: POINTS. ALISON.

>> 17 WAYS TO PEE IN A MAVERICKFROM TOP GUN COSTUME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IS IT COLD WHEN YOU PEE INTHERE?

>> YEAH. LIKE ICE.

ROB.

>> THE TOP TEN WAYS TO GET KIDSTO COME TO YOUR HOUSE THE OTHER

DAYS OF THE YEAR.

>> Chris: OK POINTS.

ALISON.

>> 22 GUYS DRESS LIKE FRUIT WHOI'VE BLOWN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALISON.

>> 19 GUYS IN HAUNTED HOUSES GETPOINTS FOR TOUCHING MY BUTT.

>> Chris: OK, POINTS. ROB.

>> 17 STRUGGLES THAT ONLYJACK-O-LANTERNS UNDERSTAND.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS. POINTS.

THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OFBUZZFEED HALLOWEEN EDITION.

AND I SEE THAT ROB CORRDRY, YOUJUST BARELY GOT EDGED OUT BY

ALISON BECKER BY 50 POINTS.>> YEAH! YEAH!

>> Chris: NO, NO, NO. THAT MEANSYOU HAVE TO LEAVE.

>> OH, CRAP.

>> Chris: YEAH.